sad75

Good morning all, I hope you are well and strong.

I'm faltering a little. Not in the sense that I want a drink but scared that I'll fall into a safety zone or get the little devil on your shoulder that tells you it's okay to drink.

I've read over my previous posts and your replies and reminding myself what you are all going through with me helps.

I don't want alcohol right now, that's not the issue, it's finding the strength to keep up this battle, knowing that I need to keep pushing myself to going to AA. I'm awful for starting things with good intentions and then faltering when I can't refuse a drink.

I know what you are thinking - stay in today. Trying to, desperately but I haven't really slept too well since my first day sobriety.

The other thing that scares me is that there is no rhyme or reason to my drinking habits (I know I'm not alone in this and that whatever the pattern we all have the same problem). I haven't got to the stage of drinking every day, I do know that even although I don't drink in this way I'm fully aware that my relationship with alcohol is a no no.

Sorry for this scatty post - had to come and release something - I'm isolating myself at the moment and don't like the feeling of it. Coming here to type doesn't make me feel quite so alone.

Cheers,

Sad75

Tazman53

Sad this is very common in early sobriety, I was scared to death of everything for a good month, I was scared I would some how convince myself I could drink again and control it, I was scared I would get bored of AA & sobriety, scared I would become complacent with my sobriety.

What I found that really helped me was to throw myself heart and soul into AA and recovery.Even though I was a new comer myself, I grabbed on to every new person I could, I went to meetings even though I did not want to, I called folks even though I did not want to.

Some times a fear can be a good thing, for me the fear of drinking again or allowing myself to get into a frame of mind that may lead to that helped a lot in me staying sober early on. It gets better every day, I now love going to meetings, but I also now love spending quality time with my family so I do 4 meetings a week, one with my wife and the rest of the time is with my family.

It all gets better with time, for me working my program and keeping my sobriety my #1 priority was the key, the second I saw myself putting something in front of my sobriety is when I really checked myself and got my priorites straight again.

Peter

There will be conflict in your head about whether to drink or not. The alcoholic in you will fight to be dominant.

Everybody can stop drinking. The greatest challenge of all is to STAY STOPPED. This is where AA helps me most.

Every morning I wake up I am faced with a decision. " To drink, or not to drink"

My entire life is about choices. What will I choose today?

Today I am EMPOWERED with the ability to make healthier choices for myself because of what I learned in AA.

I also will never forget the horrible pit of dispair into which alcohol cast me.

I think of that pit whenever the thought of alcohol enters my thoughts.

degadar

Hi Sad,

The mental battle that goes on at first is a very loud and bloody affair isn't it? I kept looking back towards my old diaries and scribblings to remind myself that things really were getting better. Day by day it doesn't always feel like things are getting better but everyone will tell you how very true it is that things WILL get better.

Only drinking can make it worse now - so stay positive and use the extra conscious time to find good things to do.

Don't know where abouts you are in the UK, but I'm always available for a chat or a coffee. Keep on moving forward and you will come out the other side a different person.

Stay strong and know you're not alone.

Deg.

parentrecovers

one day a time, sad. just one day at a time...k

CarolD

I did not have problems each time I drank
but every time I had problems....
my drinking was involved.

Life is so much healthier
and smoother with my AA recovery.

Blessings

GlassPrisoner

At the end of my drinking, even that little devil was saying "Ummm, dude, you've gotta stop this..."

Yup, when people asked us "Why did you drink again ?" and we answered "I don't know....", it was the truth. Really.

I'd suggest getting to AA. Finding a way to live life on lifes terms is the best solution I have found. Trying it on you own is possible, for a period of time. But eventually it will be too much for you.

BaldHeadedJohn

Hi sad75;

Don't have great new ideas for you that you haven't heard from the others above. Just want you to know that you're not alone. A few weeks or months won't fix what it took years to break. Hang in there, my friend.

Blessings be to you!
BHJ

sad75

Hi everyone.

Thank you all again. First chance I've had to come back here since my scatty little post this morning.

I managed to get up, shower and out the house. Good choice, if I hadn't I don't think I would have gone to my meeting tonight.

I really wasn't going to go, not because of not wanting to, I knew I needed to go but just couldn't see myself going. I think the alcholic devil in me was saying, you've done one why do you need two... Mr devil that's the question you should ask when I've had one of you, not my sobriety meetings.

So, so, so glad I did. Big group tonight, 40 or so but there were young people there which for me was just wonderful to see, even before any of them spoke. As soon as I was through the doors I was a little aprehensive, completely different to yesterday's meeting but I guess AA meetings are a little like snowdrops, no two are the same, right?

One of the chairspeakers told her story and wow did it ring my bells, she's married with kids so lifestyle completely different but attitudes to alcohol and to herself and her meetings really struck a chord with me. I shared briefly tonight, still a bit shaky and tearful, to thank her for sharing and to let her know by the end of her story I was grateful I managed to get myself out my house and into the meeting. I left the meeting with 7 telephone numbers and I got chatting with the lady who shared her story afterwards. She told me herself she wasn't going to go to the meeting (8pm start) and at 7.45pm she said to her husband I think I'll go to my meeting tonight. It wasn't until she turned up that the group leader asked her to chair the meeting alongside him. Little things like these tell me I was meant to go to hear her story and she was meant to go so that someone like me (and others) could hear her words.

I'm going for a hot chocolate, there's an open bottle of wine in the lounge which my housemates are drinking. Yes there was a teeny little pang when I saw it, not to drink it really but ****, alcohol!!! However what I just told you in the previous para popped straight into my head and I'm glad to say that for today at least, I don't want a drink.

Hope you are all well and once again, thank you for swooping under me like a safety net this morning, you stopped me from slipping a bit further than I could have coped with today.

Hugs to you all & stay strong

just to say:

BHJ:

I loved this, thank you.

Tazman:

Ditto - thank you, I will be coming back to read that post again and again, I'm sure...

Degadar:

Thank you. My doc suggested this (keeping a diary) and I hadn't thought of using it to reflect when things get shaky, I think I will keep a diary although, this is sort of like one in here!

Peter:

My biggest fear. I got where I was on Saturday night because I conveniently forgot, always, or is it more a case of choosing not to remember my pits of despair. Yup, this is where you guys and AA comes in. With you guys I can't forget where it put me.

Sorry for the long ramble!

Cheers

Shaneo20

Good on you sad75. Stay committed and I'm sure you'll make it.

BP44

Good for you, Sad!!!! You are doing what you need to do, Don't drink and go to a meeting. That's really all you have to do right now. There is a reason why they suggest 90 in 90 which you will understand afterwards. I had to get immersed in AA. Eventually, going to meetings won't be a chore, it will be a part of the day that you look forward to. You mentioned doing battle. I found that I had to surrender. I give up!!!! I do not know how to get sober or stay sober. When I finally had no more answers or arguments, then I was ready and willing to be teachable. I had to start identifying with other alcoholics, not compare. I had to change playgrounds. Some had to change playmates. My playmates were long gone, so that wasn't too hard. But my playground had to be changed. For me, my biggest playground was my home. Which meant I had to change it by removing all the booze. The price of admission into my playground the way it was, was too high. Hope this helps. Don't drink no matter what!!!! If your ass is falling off, Don't drink and carry it to a meeting.

RedFox

This sounds EXACTLY like one of my first posts. That little devil on my shoulder thing got me earlier this year. I do hear that little voice every so often, but I know it's just trying to trick me. It's taken me 2 or 3 relapses now to realize that. But once you do things get that much easier.

I just said that in my head right before I read this sentence. At first I thought, "how the hell can I take it just one day at a time?" You just do, probably not the answer people want to hear. It just takes time to get in that mind set.

This drove me nuts in the beginning. I'm the type of person who has to know why for everything. I take things apart and fix them for a living, go figure. But this is one of those things that you just have to learn how to accept. It sucks, but we can all do it.

Tom

This really hits home and I fell victim to it. Felt so good after 13 days sober that I knew I could drink responsibly. Went so far as to reward myself with a few beers. And that day turned into 4 straight days of drinking again. Back to square one again. Gonna give it the old college try again.

baggervance

Sad Im scared too. Today is the first day I felt like anything meetings help me feel better. I thought I had this program figuerd out the first time and then I got so smart I didnt need the program anymore. I was selfish, I forgot it is my responisbility to be there for others especially newcomers. Im scared Ill fall back into my old way of thinking.Im gonna give this my all or all for awhile like I do every thing,including my drinking all or nothing.I had a moment on the way home tonight I can not use anything to change the way I feel or I will eventually be drunk agin.I was very arogant about not drinking flirting with fire,I went to bars with my old buddies to show myself I have this licked,I searched out how to make wine and whiskey on the internet built my own still and taught myself to use it. What am I gonna do different this time I dont know right now. I do know I made it through today.Im sharing here tonight and I am humble for now.Wish you and all who want it a better way of life.