needtobefree

The journey into recovery is such a discovery. Some things are great - like the feelings of freedom, others not so great. Like figuring out what the alcoholism was covering up, feeling the feelings. Right now I feel so lonely. I've been single for four years plus, pushing people away when all I really want is to be loved. This part is hurting, not sure what to do right now other than feel the feelings and recognise what they are, I've never really been any good at that.

JUST BE

Hey, so lonely, it will only get better. It's a journey. You never know what to expect. How is Auckland, New Zealand?

needtobefree

Hey, thanks for your reply :0)

This will get easier - I keep telling myself that and I'm sure it's true.

Auckland is great btw, we were nearly hit by tornados over the weekend, thankfully they headed out to sea. We aren't used to tornados up here, it was scary. Maybe there's an alegory to my recent journey in life there somewhere :0)

GlassPrisoner

It's a lot less lonely than it was. I don't know about you, but I was a big time isolator. I found lots of new friends in the rooms of AA, though.

Yeah, that "feeling" thing is different, huh ?

My sponsor always says feelings are not fact, and they just are. Let them wash over you, and you'll come out the other side stronger.

CE Girl

Hey Needs,,,,

It amazes me how the alcoholic and codie disease and recovery are so similar. The way I look at the lonliness is that its necessary. In order to focus on me, and be fair in my next HEALTHY relationship, I have to be the best I can be.

Recovery is about levels. And experience the "loss" of our disease. And yes, for sure, recovery is GOOD, but the stages of grief are the same regardless. Anger, lonliness, despair, denial, acceptance and PEACE all a part of the stages of grief. Not in that order, not always cut and dry. Sometimes we "revisit" stages. Point is, we need to grieve. To get to the joy, you got to feel the pain.

I will get better,,,be good to youself

Peace

stone

Hi needtobefree, I totally relate to everything you said. I have feelings now and sometimes those feelings hit me hard but like GP said we can just let them 'be'-accept them and let them wash over us, easier said than done at times tho.
I have been single for 10 (!!!) years now and have spent the whole time pushing people away too. I would love the type of companionship only a partner can give. I wonder, even if I was in a relationship, I might still feel lonely because this is a deep lonliness.
Lonliness of the soul type thing, sometimes it is unbearable but it passes and I do believe it will get better, most things do 'they' say
Anyway, have a hug!

BP44

When I heard " feelings are not facts" the first time, it was a revelation to me. I have spent a lifetime making decisions on how I felt. And it just isn't necessary anymore. Do I still do it? Of course, but I don't have to. Most of the time I leave it alone and let the feelings play its course. Feelings are temporary. Getting better is longer lasting. I had a guy come up to me after a meeting one day after I shared about all this angst I was having and he said flat out, " Do you want to feel better, or get better? " Well, my first thought is always alcoholic, so at first I thought feel better, but then after further review it hit me.....get better. That's what we are all after. And it does get better. However, I have found that there are a lot of "ifs" in recovery. Afterall, the promises start out with the word IF!!!!

Nuudawn

I'm not really sure if I'm any lonelier now than I was drinking. I drank because I was lonely. I drank everyday. I sobered up when my last relationship ended. He too was an alchoholic ..and an addict. We had a drunked-up surreal relationship. When blasted..no one is really present. True I wasn't AS lonely when in relationship but I was unhappy and insane and consumed by another's life and drama. My lonelieness is different now... it's solitude. I am finally figuring out who I truly am. The answers are surprising to say the least. It's hard work.

I'm quite certain that the next time I have a relationship... I will FINALLY be able to bring myself to the table. It will be healthy. I have never before had an adult relationship without booze. That's rather disconcerting... and a wee bit scary. Sex without booze??? That'll be odd.

Pilgrim

Hi Nuuu! Your posts still get me every time. Sex without booze? I have given up and I think I will die an old lady without ever knowing that experience.

Being an alcoholic is isolating isn't it? We seek other alcoholics to try to feel less lonely when we are drinking but we are still in our own worlds inside our heads.

Coming out of that is so spooky.

needtobefree

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies, I really appreciate the support.

I dunno, feelings are important, I want to feel better and get better, somehow to me they go together.

Sex without alcohol would be way too spooky, I too wonder if that will ever happen, if I'll ever not be scared to be intimate and vulnerable. In some respects being (virtually) celibate in the last four years has been healing, I was pretty screwed up from sex as a teenager and that didn't change. Hrmm, I hope that's not tmi but it is a subject that is dear to my heart. Something I long for but doubt I'll ever achieve. Maybe I need more faith in me, that after gaining some more recovery ground I'll be well enough to be involved in a healthy relationship.

Tazman53

The last years of my drinking I was drowning in booze and solitude, I sat in my garage and drank, that was my life, I isolated and I drank........ that was life for me!

One of my biggest fears when I went into detox was what will I do if I am not drinking? That was pretty much all I knew, sitting around lonely and drinking, drinking and being lonely, even my family had for all intents and purposes abandoned me to my booze and lonelyness (sp).

In detox they told me that if I wanted a chance at staying sober I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor. I had tried my last 10 years of drinking to quit on my own and every time I failed because I had changed nothing, I was still a lonely man sitting around thinking about drinking.

In AA I learned that I had to change!!! I had to quit isolating!!!!! I had to first become a part of AA..... which I have, in AA I have learned that I am not alone, there are many others who were like me, they to isolated while they were drinking, they were alone even in some cases where they were surrounded by fellow drunks, but they were still really alone.

In AA I learned to quit isolating, first by going to meetings and AA functions, then by working the steps I have learned to cleanse myself of my past...... not forget it, but to get over it which has led to me being able to befreind sober people outside of AA without drinking.

Sex without drinking!!!! Well it is better, but then again I am married and the sex had been gone from it for years due to my drinking, so any sex was better then none. Of course even though I have been sober going on 10 months, it is still virtually non-existant due to my wife having no sex drive because of prozac.

But that being said life is so much better sober and it gets better every day.

Pilgrim

Hi Taz. My heart went out to you and your family when you told us about the Prozac. Hugs.

Dee74

geez will you people stop talking about sex ?
:

LOL.
D

stone

May I second that emotion Dee lol! Hmm who was that song by?

Dee74

Smokey Robinson I do believe Stoney
don't mean to make light of the issue, just gotta laugh, you know ?

LOL
D

barb dwyer

*rushes in*

... did somebody say sex ???

needtobefree

Hmm, I didn't expect so many diverse replies ;0)

Tazman53 said:

QUOTE]The last years of my drinking I was drowning in booze and solitude, I sat in my garage and drank, that was my life, I isolated and I drank........ that was life for me![/QUOTE]

That's been my life for the last 6 months too, my alcoholism has progressed so far. Apart from Uni and trying to keep up with my studies I've been consuming 2 litres plus of wine a night, most nights of the week. I'm rather excellent at isolating too. I'm reading the AA book at the moment, seems that's a common case scenario. Life this side of addiction sure is getting better mostly by the day.

I'm intending to get to some AA meetings next week, this week I have my son with me as it's the holidays, I don't want to take him with me so am waiting till he is home again.

That said I'm going on a trip with Uni in two weeks, I'm not looking forward to it as they will be in the pub every night after the days activities. I'm debating what to do about it. Maybe I can find an AA meeting down there to go to :0)

Thanks for being here everyone - I really appreciate the feedback and support :0)

Tazman53

needtobefree why not get on the net and call the AA number for the area you are going to, explain what is up and that you are in early sobriety and would really like some sober folks to hang out with. I am sure they can hook you up with some meetings and some other things as well. One of the things I love about AA is the fact I can go almost anywhere and have a meeting/meetings to go to and support is just a phone call away. I was on holiday last week and found a meeting with some great folks on the little island of Chincoteauge.

Jules62

Hi needtobefree!

Hope I'm not too late to this thread to help-:

Here's a link to all the A.A meetings in Auckland-:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org....n.cfm?TownID=5

You can also find links to meetings anywhere in N.Z on that site as well.Hope that helps!

Jules xox

needtobefree

Thanks Tazman and Jules - links etc much appreciated :0)

I will give them a ring and see what I can arrange, I don't want to miss the trip because we'll be visiting heaps of galleries (that's the purpose) but I don't want to visit heaps of pubs in the evenings.