I Could Cry
Open Minded
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 226
I Could Cry
With happiness :0)
This week has been such a new beginning for me in so many ways. I'm 41 and have been drinking constantly (apart from a 2 year sober period a few years ago) with gradually more and more constancy.
This week it's finally sunk in that alchohol could kill me and rob me of my future in so many ways. I want to live, I want to enjoy life with all it's up's and down's on it's own terms, I don't want to live from binge session to binge session, building gradually more debt and becoming more and more unstable.
I know now that I don't want to drink again, I want a life, a career, to be a mother for my son and a relationship, not in that order though :0)
For the first time I'm really looking at the future with confidence, making plans for the next ten years (omg - did I actually say that? lol, that is so not me).
Although it's been hard, my mum died at easter, but my inheritance has come through last week, not a great deal of money as she was in a care home and paying her own fees etc but however $13,000 NZ has been very welcome and so right in timing.
First off I paid off all my debts, yayy that's a great feeling!
Secondly I brought a Mamiya Pro medium format camera and three lenses - awesomely priced on an auction site, someone is looking after me it seems :0)
I brought a new bike for my son, he's so excited.
I brought a monitor calibration spider so my prints actually look like they do on my screen, lol.
The day before yesterday I brought a new car with the remaining money, from the auctions for a fantastic price and it's a great little car, hopefully it will last me for about 10 years if I look after it properly.
This morning I was dozing in bed daydreaming and realised I want to make plans for the coming 10 years. I've never done that before. I've decided on a savings plan, a time length (my son is 9 so I am going on 10 years here until he's 18 and can take care of himself) and goals.
I managed to get a diploma last year even though I was binge drinking virtually every night, but it's a great base to build on. I'm currently in the second half of yr two of a batchelor of design degree (I was cross credited for my diploma year). I'm majoring in photography and loving it, although it's heavy going. I know I couldn't finish it if I continue drinking. The alcohol was starting to come first, I was planning around when I could get drunk and have a hangover, the progressive nature of the illness now scares me, I've realised how deadly serious this is. Deadly being the operative word.
I've decided that I'll very likely take a year off after my degree and then would like to return to study to do a masters and then take another year off and do a doctorate. That will take me till my son is 18. By that time I plan to have saved enough for a mobile home (home on wheels, or whatever it's called in your country). Then I plan to travel around New Zealand being a photographer, I'd love to work for NZ National Geographic. I've got all this time between to make contacts so why not shoot for the stars?
I know maybe this seems a bit much but to me it's a revalation.
Yesterday I went to my local library to pick up some books and I could feel myself 'walking taller' - my self esteem is definately on the up and up.
I'm building up a support network, having made enquiries through various agencies regarding support groups and counselling. I've got a group meeting set up for Weds with the alcohol and drugs services center. I attended my first AA meeting on Weds night which was interesting, it allowed me to see that it's not the right group for me which allows me to go to the previously mentioned Weds group meeting knowing that's the best option. I'm going to another AA meeting tonight, I think a meeting on a Friday night would be very useful on an ongoing basis. I'm building some contingency plans for when I get those cravings.
Coming here has been very supportive, the sharing and encouragement has been vital this week for me, I am very grateful.
It's all coming together, bit by bit. Although I've been very emotional this last week I woke up feeling so much stronger and more together today, I feel so positive, it's amazing.
To anyone that's going through the withdrawal period etc please don't give up, get help if you need to, stick to your plan, get the help from a doctor if you need it, get some blood and liver workup's done if you are concerned and start really living your life. If you feel like I do you won't regret it :0)
Welcome to the sober club, lol. What a buzz!
This week has been such a new beginning for me in so many ways. I'm 41 and have been drinking constantly (apart from a 2 year sober period a few years ago) with gradually more and more constancy.
This week it's finally sunk in that alchohol could kill me and rob me of my future in so many ways. I want to live, I want to enjoy life with all it's up's and down's on it's own terms, I don't want to live from binge session to binge session, building gradually more debt and becoming more and more unstable.
I know now that I don't want to drink again, I want a life, a career, to be a mother for my son and a relationship, not in that order though :0)
For the first time I'm really looking at the future with confidence, making plans for the next ten years (omg - did I actually say that? lol, that is so not me).
Although it's been hard, my mum died at easter, but my inheritance has come through last week, not a great deal of money as she was in a care home and paying her own fees etc but however $13,000 NZ has been very welcome and so right in timing.
First off I paid off all my debts, yayy that's a great feeling!
Secondly I brought a Mamiya Pro medium format camera and three lenses - awesomely priced on an auction site, someone is looking after me it seems :0)
I brought a new bike for my son, he's so excited.
I brought a monitor calibration spider so my prints actually look like they do on my screen, lol.
The day before yesterday I brought a new car with the remaining money, from the auctions for a fantastic price and it's a great little car, hopefully it will last me for about 10 years if I look after it properly.
This morning I was dozing in bed daydreaming and realised I want to make plans for the coming 10 years. I've never done that before. I've decided on a savings plan, a time length (my son is 9 so I am going on 10 years here until he's 18 and can take care of himself) and goals.
I managed to get a diploma last year even though I was binge drinking virtually every night, but it's a great base to build on. I'm currently in the second half of yr two of a batchelor of design degree (I was cross credited for my diploma year). I'm majoring in photography and loving it, although it's heavy going. I know I couldn't finish it if I continue drinking. The alcohol was starting to come first, I was planning around when I could get drunk and have a hangover, the progressive nature of the illness now scares me, I've realised how deadly serious this is. Deadly being the operative word.
I've decided that I'll very likely take a year off after my degree and then would like to return to study to do a masters and then take another year off and do a doctorate. That will take me till my son is 18. By that time I plan to have saved enough for a mobile home (home on wheels, or whatever it's called in your country). Then I plan to travel around New Zealand being a photographer, I'd love to work for NZ National Geographic. I've got all this time between to make contacts so why not shoot for the stars?
I know maybe this seems a bit much but to me it's a revalation.
Yesterday I went to my local library to pick up some books and I could feel myself 'walking taller' - my self esteem is definately on the up and up.
I'm building up a support network, having made enquiries through various agencies regarding support groups and counselling. I've got a group meeting set up for Weds with the alcohol and drugs services center. I attended my first AA meeting on Weds night which was interesting, it allowed me to see that it's not the right group for me which allows me to go to the previously mentioned Weds group meeting knowing that's the best option. I'm going to another AA meeting tonight, I think a meeting on a Friday night would be very useful on an ongoing basis. I'm building some contingency plans for when I get those cravings.
Coming here has been very supportive, the sharing and encouragement has been vital this week for me, I am very grateful.
It's all coming together, bit by bit. Although I've been very emotional this last week I woke up feeling so much stronger and more together today, I feel so positive, it's amazing.
To anyone that's going through the withdrawal period etc please don't give up, get help if you need to, stick to your plan, get the help from a doctor if you need it, get some blood and liver workup's done if you are concerned and start really living your life. If you feel like I do you won't regret it :0)
Welcome to the sober club, lol. What a buzz!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
That's a super post!
I remember when I first started to think of long-terms plans after my drinking stopped. It seemed like such a gift to be able to have dreams again - big ones and small ones. It sounds like you have lots of wonderful plans!
I remember when I first started to think of long-terms plans after my drinking stopped. It seemed like such a gift to be able to have dreams again - big ones and small ones. It sounds like you have lots of wonderful plans!
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Life is a funny old dog. Sometimes when we are sure that we don't have alot to offer those around us the fog will lift and we get a glimpse of just how much of a difference we can make if we use all the gifts that have been given to us.
When you are tempted to take "just that one drink" I suggest you pick up your new camera and make sure the lens is REALLY out of focus so that you can get a distorted look at things. If you do this before you take that drink you can have the effect of the booze with none of the real chaos and distruction, plus you won't even have the hangover!
Based on your writings I suspect you may just do some really wonderful things with yourself if you allow yourself to stay sober. You just might make a pretty wonderful life for those of us around you as well. It is up to you to find out if my guess is correct.
Go out there and be famous. Best of luck.
When you are tempted to take "just that one drink" I suggest you pick up your new camera and make sure the lens is REALLY out of focus so that you can get a distorted look at things. If you do this before you take that drink you can have the effect of the booze with none of the real chaos and distruction, plus you won't even have the hangover!
Based on your writings I suspect you may just do some really wonderful things with yourself if you allow yourself to stay sober. You just might make a pretty wonderful life for those of us around you as well. It is up to you to find out if my guess is correct.
Go out there and be famous. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
This is a great post. I will say though that I drank one day at a time, and I was never in a hurry for the drunk to end. I have to be real careful at getting all heady about the future. I've come to believe that I can't even have expectations for half a day, much less a whole day. When I get into now, I can have faith that the future will be better because every day gets better. This 24 hours has been a great day. I prayed this morning and did my meditation. During the course of the day I talked to 4 alcoholics, one of them my sponsor. I hit a meeting tonight, and I will thank God before my head hits the pillow. If wake up tomorrow and do it all over again, I have the chance at another 24 hours. Today, well lived, makes every tomorrow a vision of hope!!!!!
Open Minded
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 226
Thank you for your kind replies.
That made me laugh Jfanagle, heh, good one, I'll remember that :0)
And thankyou BP44 for the reminder that we need to take this one day at a time, it's interesting how now I can keep that in mind and see the longer term, it's great to make progress eh :0)
When you are tempted to take "just that one drink" I suggest you pick up your new camera and make sure the lens is REALLY out of focus so that you can get a distorted look at things. If you do this before you take that drink you can have the effect of the booze with none of the real chaos and distruction, plus you won't even have the hangover!
And thankyou BP44 for the reminder that we need to take this one day at a time, it's interesting how now I can keep that in mind and see the longer term, it's great to make progress eh :0)
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