nanita

I've had a bad last few days and really need to vent. I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time -- everytime I stop drinking, I get on this site and am so excited. Isn't there a point where people just get sick and tired of you and don't want to hear your bulls--- anymore? I'm sure that must be the case, but I thank you for taking the time to read this anyway.

As you may recall, I have custody of my 21 month old grandson. The whole purpose in taking him was to give my daughter time to turn her life around so she can go to court and regain custody. She was here on Thursday with her five year old daughter, who is in the custody of her father (Amber isn't supposed to have any contact with her). She spent one night here with the two kids, bummed some money from me for gas and headed to Casper, WY. It's now Tuesday - she's still there, high on meth, hasn't called to check on the kids, who knows when I'll hear from her again. The five year old's dad came to get her -- he didn't even know she was here without her mom and when he realized it, he was really pissed!

Yesterday, my mom (who just recuperated from acute alcoholic hepatitis) called me at 9:30 a.m, drunk. Of course, by this time, I'm drinking again,too. I tried to talk to my mom about her drinking, but she refuses to admit that she's doing it. Her best friend called me two days ago to tell me that she can see her through the living mirror, taking swigs out of a vodka bottle.

Because of my daugher's inability to do anything responsible in her life, my husband and I have made the decision to send our grandson (Jeremiah) back to Family Services so they can hopefully place him in a good home with wonderful people who want a little boy. After having him for four months, this is a heart wrenching decision. We feel it needs to be done sooner rather than later -- the younger he is, the easier it will be for him, not to mention the easier it will be to find adoptive parents. However, my heart is aching so bad I can hardly stand it. Keeping him is really not an option for us - we could do it, but it's not something we want to do long-term, so it's not a good decision for anyone, including Jeremiah.

We have lots of other family crap going on, but nothing that merits mentioning. It's just that one things piles ontop of the others and it all just becomes so overwhelming!

Okay, that was really long and I could go on and on. I just really needed to vent! Today, I will call my sponsor from AA - I still haven't done that since I met her two weeks ago. I guess I'm just too embarassed to say I picked up a drink again. I don't understand why life has to be so damned hard. I know it's not like I, or someone I love, is dying or anything, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. Even if my problems seem petty compared to others, they seem huge to me right now. So - I'm going to go soak in a hot tub for awhile and come back to SR when I'm done. Thanks for your time!

stone

Hi Nanita, remember we were gonna compare notes on AA at 30 days? Well I drank after 24 days and I dont have all the stuff you have going on, you have a lot on your plate-far from petty stuff.

You arent wasting anyones time and have no need to be embarraesd in calling your sponsor-anyone who has been in the grip of addiction will understand

(((((Nanita)))))

sonas

I know where your coming from nanita.
I'm quite new to this site. I'm sober these days and I really feel that it's my time to stay sober for good this time.

But believe me if I'd found this site two years ago, I'd have joined up and the same life sh!t that did happen in the mean time would've happened anyway cos I wouldn't have stayed sober.
My decision to get sober didn't happen over night. This internal struggle has been going on for at least two years, and in the back of my mind even longer than that actually but I just kept thinking I'd quit when life got better...

I feel for you and the overwhelming feelings you describe. ((hugz))
You've probably heard this before, but I'll say it again anyway: alcohol is a depressant and it just makes those bad feelings worse.

It's very early days for me, so I don't want to sound like I've got it made.
Because I haven't by a long shot. Every day I'm tempted because that's how my mind is wired.
I just get through it by reminding myself of the way I was and tell myself that even if I do succeed in just having one or two, I'll just be putting that substance into my body again and prolonging the addictive pattern. Also, even if I do succeed in just having one or two, I'll be unhappy because I'll want more than that.

I hope you keep posting.
And as you can see, I'm not exactly brief with my posts either.

nanita

Thanks, Stone and sonas. I'm glad you don't feel that I'm being petty and wasting everyone's time. Sonas, you're right about alcohol being a depressant. I took my bath and came back to SR, as I said I would. All I had to do was read you guys' posts and I was in tears. It's definitely time to stop drinking again and this time for GOOD.

I'm still so broken-hearted over my grandson that I just don't know what to do. I feel like I made such a horrible mistake by trying to help my daughter and putting everyone in this awful situation. I do realize that it will all get better with time, but boy - it sure sucks right now.

paulmh

Hi Nanita!

Maybe it won't. But that's no reason for you not to get better!

There's everything else, and there's your sobriety. Cherish it!

Peter

I am really, really sorry to hear of this tragedy. I weep for the children.

Whatever other issues you have going on in your family I am sure it has something to do with the alcoholism and addiction.

But you know, none of it is unfixable.You are all being pulled along by the runaway train of your desires to drink rum and smoke sh!t.

If you can all find a way to overcome the addiction things will begin to sort itself out with your family. Yes I know you've heard that already and you know it's "easier said than done" but it really ain't that hard either. Throw yourselves on whatever source you think might help you, God religion, counselling, therapy, rehab, AA or even online information gathering but for God's sake you all need to get a grip on what you're doing to yourselves.

Since you are the one that posted here I suggest you begin to lead by example and put the bottle down. I know you can do it.

Best of luck to you.

nanita

After logging off of the internet I thought about how cool it is to be here in a small mountain town in Colorado and receive support from someone in the UK and in Ireland. How great is that anyway? And Stone - maybe we need to try that 30 day thing again????

nanita

Peter, you are so right. I think today is my day.

GrouchoTheCat

Nanita,

Thank whatever power you believe in that you are coming to grips with this.

It seems clear that both your daughter and mother are in deep heavy denial.

Actually it is amazing miracle that you have been given the eyes to see your own problem.

You want help, you want to stop, and you have a sponsor. These things are so much more than many have. Concider yourself blessed.

And as for worrying about wasting my time? Please know that I can identify so strongly with where you are and all I wish for anyone that is suffering is that they find a way to become well.

Believe it or not, listining to your struggle helps me to stay sober!

Prayers and (((hugs)))

stone

Yes we can do that! One day at a time tho-dont forget

Day 2 for me Nan, where are you at? If you havent stopped do it SOON please

nanita

Stone - congrats on your day 2. I'm at day 0. I promise you and myself that I'm stopping.

Tazman53

nanita meth.... alcohol..... they both destroy lifes. Hon my prayers go up for all of you.

You relapsed, okay fine, as long as you are going to hop back on the wagon it is not a failure, just another lesson to be learned, the most important thing to learn is either you were not doing something, you were not doing enough of something, or you were doing something you should not have been doing that led to this.

Learn from this and move on.

In order to stay sober I have made following the path of other recovered alcoholics as thoroughly as I can, my #1 priority in life for without my sobriety all else will eventually be lost. If I am drunk I am of no use to any one, I am of no use to my son when the day comes that his disease hits him hard enough for him to need to call on me. He sure will not call or listen to me if I am drunk.

I will say what my first sponsor told me the first time we talked, he said "Call me any time of day or night with any thing, but if you have been drinking do not bother to call until you are sober, I can not help you if you have already drank."

Nanita do not be to embarassed to call your sponsor, that is part of what a sponsor is for, that is also why other people gave you thier number, they want you to call them, whether you want a drink or not, when we call another member of AA we are helping them stay sober also, phone calls strengthen our own sobriety and the fellowship as well.

Things as you said will get better with time, but I have found that by staying sober 2 things happen, #1 I have far fewer problems & #2 when a problem cames up I am able to deal with it and as a result it is resolved far quicker.

When I was drinking a mole hill I could have simply stepped on sober I drank and ignored it until it had become a mountain, then I drank some more because there was no way I could step on a mountain.

One very important thing Nanita, nothing is petty for an alcoholic, reaching out for help is key.

CarolD

(+) (+) (+)
Hugs and Prayers

parentrecovers

thinking about you, nanita. and sending support. blessings, k

Rowan

I think of the innocent children, especially your grandson, and my heart aches.

Please stop drinking. Please keep posting. Please keep reaching out.

((((hugs)))))

BP44

The only suggestion I have is to leave your family alone and worry about getting your own self sober. You say that your mother is in denial while at the same time you drank. Does that not feel insane? The sad fact is, we can do nothing for those around us. They couldn't fix us and we can't fix them. And if we are drinking, we can't even truly be available for them when they are ready anyway. I have to put my sobriety first above all else. My wife, my job, my house...nothing can come before it. 90 in 90 has been suggested. I know, some are too far away and the ones close to you, you are afraid of gossip. Well, here's a thought...... death of one of us drunks makes for good gossip in any town. What lengths are you willing to go to? Are you ready to stop?

nanita

BP - wow! Very sound advice you just gave me and I thank you, as well as everyone else who has responded to me.

K - I hope things are going better for you and your daughter - I think of you often.

BP, yes it does seem insane that I say my mom is in denial and yet I drink. I don't really know why, but her problem doesn't provide incentive for me. I wish it did. You recommended I leave my family alone and get myself sober - thank you. I'm in that process. As soon as I talk to my daughter, I'm going to tell her that until she is clean and sober, I want her to leave me alone. I need some peace in my life to receover. I thank you for your thoughts.

Rowan - my heart also aches for my grandchildren. I have cried countless hours the last few days for my grandson. I wish I could keep him forever and I feel so bad. I think he would be happier with a younger family that's wanting a small child, rather than with grandparents that have him out of a sense of guilt, responsibility, or whatever you want to call it. We've had him for 4 months now and I find each day becoming more and more difficult with him - that's not the kind of attitude to have with a small child. I want him to be happy and loved more than anything. Thanks guys - I'll check in again in the a.m.

Tazman53

nanita sounds like you are heading in the right direction, my wife and I brought a young lad into our home for almost a year due to his father being in jail and his mother having a severe drug and alcohol problem, the mother asked us to take him in because she did not want him on the street with her...... I can apreciate to a degree the pain you are going through with your grandchild. Working with Social Services his grandmother in Ca. took him in, his mother could not be found for months at a time. His dad has taken off for parts unknown and the last I saw of his mom she was in the final stages of alcoholism & drug addiction, she knows she is dying and just does not give a damn about anything as long as she can get her booze and dope.

Drugs and alcohol kill and destroy families, this I know to be a fact.

nanita as long as you keep sobriety your #1 priority all else will take care of itself in one way or another. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

nanita

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers Tazman. My husband and I have talked about almost nothing but our plight with Jeremiah for the last three days. He's the one thing that's consuming all of our thoughts and concerns. We want so much to do what's right for him. Although we've had him for 4 months, the guardianship papers still haven't been filed with the Court (slow lawyer) and he's still in the legal custody of the State of Wyoming. I hope people aren't thinking we're just contemplating turning him over to Social Services and abandoning him. He's been in their custody in one way or another for almost a year now. He would be in an incredible foster home, with people he already knows and loves (they had him for 7 months) until someone adopted him. They've already adopted four kids themselves, and maybe that's even a possibility.

This whole thing is so hard - it's heartbreaking to think of a child being put up for adoption, but with the right family, his life could be so grand. Wiith us, he would have stability, consistency, no financial problems and love. However, it's a life-long commitment to raise a child and it's not like they're gone at 18. Between Mark and I we already have 5 daughters and 10 grandkids. They all still have needs, wants and problems. We honestly don't know if we're up to another one at our age. Lots of soul searching to be done here before we make a decision.

I have put in a call to a therapist I've seen several times in the past - through my divorce from my abusive first husband, the guy I dated that tried to kill me, my dad's suicide and my daughter's addictions. It will be good to talk to her and get an outside perspective, additional thoughts we may not have had, etc. I'm also committed to make this decision with a sober mind, not one under the influence of alcohol. Working on that at this very moment!

barb dwyer

Wow.
What a terrible place to be in.

*prayers*