I need to talk to someone
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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nanita try and find a therapist that specializes in substance abuse, not only due to your alcoholism but your daughters meth problem.
nanita I know the feeling about age and parenting..... the young man I spoke of earlier the wife and I considered adopting, but our age and my drinking at the time were the 2 factors that led to us working with Social Services and getting him sent to his grand mothers.
nanita I know the feeling about age and parenting..... the young man I spoke of earlier the wife and I considered adopting, but our age and my drinking at the time were the 2 factors that led to us working with Social Services and getting him sent to his grand mothers.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Walden CO
Posts: 151
The therapist I've gone to is pretty experienced in addiction. Her daughter was killed by a drunk driver, so she's made a big effort to be well-versed in addiction. When I first went to see her (1988) she wasn't wanting to see anyone with a drinking problem, but for some reason, she liked me and has helped me for many years. Since that time, the pain from her daughter's death has lessened and she's made addiction a priority. I'll let you know the results of my conversation with her (now that I live in the mountains, we talk over the phone and she tells me how much I owe her when we're done).
Barb, you're right. This is a terrible place to be in. I feel we made a huge mistake in trying to help my daughter (we should have known better) and I know that we've done a huge disservice to my grandson. He would have been so much better off if we'd just left him with that great foster family and let nature take its course. Now, we've put him and us in a bad place and it's hard to say what's best for him. Even though we've grown to love him, should a child that's not even two yet be with people who don't want to "play", have no other children around, could even have resentments over the changes in what's happening as they reach their"golden" years, and on and on and on. I just don't know.
Barb, you're right. This is a terrible place to be in. I feel we made a huge mistake in trying to help my daughter (we should have known better) and I know that we've done a huge disservice to my grandson. He would have been so much better off if we'd just left him with that great foster family and let nature take its course. Now, we've put him and us in a bad place and it's hard to say what's best for him. Even though we've grown to love him, should a child that's not even two yet be with people who don't want to "play", have no other children around, could even have resentments over the changes in what's happening as they reach their"golden" years, and on and on and on. I just don't know.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Santa Monica
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by nanita 
I feel we made a huge mistake in trying to help my daughter (we should have known better)
Nanita, it really is horrible to read about so much suffering of so many good people.
As far as your daughter is in question it could NEVER a mistake trying to help (unless we're talking about enabling) someone. No one is beyond help - the only problem is how to approach such an issue. If you're a drunk, if her father was an abusive drunk, if her granny is a drunk, for the God's sake, what can you expect her to be?
A happy, well adjusted kid?
You are such a nice, intellingent human being who did survive a lot. Take care of your drinking (STOP IT) and this would give you enormous power in dealing with both your daughter and your mother. Invite them to join you for the joy ride, free of bullsh!t like meth or any other drugs or our drug of choice, alcohol.
Giving her son away would give her an excuse to kill herself in another escapade (where she is, drunk, drugged... etc., no one is "judging" her, they are all the same, having sex, meth, exchanging bull about this life, parents etc...) and to continue.
She DOES NOT need enabling. She needs a familly intervention and serious, serious therapy. She NEEDS to understand that she is KILLING herself, KILLING you, destroying her son's future (what would happen when he, when 18 or 21 decides to find out who are his real parents and finds out about so many tragedies that yet have to be written) and she need to get a hold on her own life first.
There is always hope. It all starts with her and with an ultimatum to her. At the RIGHT moment, planned (no yelling, no accusing, no nothing...) and under the supervision of an experienced drug abuse / familly councelor.
Good luck with your predicament.
121 day sober today here.
Join me and so many people here with years and years under their belts. It would be much, much better, your life, that is...
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: long island,ny
Posts: 190
First things first....
hi Nanita....so sorry to hear about what you're going through.....and it breaks my heart as well.....But,you have to do what's right for the child,and for yourself!
Drinking helps nothing....it just attracts negatives to your life....So,take that first step and get whatever help YOU need to get and stay sober....then you can better deal with life's ups and downs,with a clear head....and maybe you can better help your daughter too....but you have to take care of #1(you) first....thinking of you...love KT
Drinking helps nothing....it just attracts negatives to your life....So,take that first step and get whatever help YOU need to get and stay sober....then you can better deal with life's ups and downs,with a clear head....and maybe you can better help your daughter too....but you have to take care of #1(you) first....thinking of you...love KT
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 151
Thanks for the positive strokes, KT. I need all I can get right now.
I've decided to talk to my daughter at length before finalizing this decision. It's actually wozzek's comments that prompted me to do so. My husband and I are going to calmly sit down with Amber (hopefully she shows up today like she said she would). We're going to tell Amber that unless she makes an immediate change in her life, I'm returning Jeremiah to Casper. She would have to be in AA or NA within one day and have a full-time, permanent job within one week. She would have to show me check stubs to prove she's really working and a form from AA (similar to what they do for court-ordered attendance) to prove that she's attending daily. I'm also going to tell her that if she doesn't love Jeremiah enough to do this for him, that I love her with all my heart but until she's clean and sober, I want her to leave me alone. She's impeding my own recovery from alcoholism and I really don't need that kind of help!
This is an incredibly hard thing. We love Jeremiah and don't want to abandon him in anyway. At the same time, we feel the strain everyday from having such a young child around 24/7. Our work day is 3:45 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. Neither of us have much energy for play, and sometimes patience runs thin and is forced. We can't help but feel that even though we can provide stability, consistency, financial security and love, that's not aways enough. If placed in the right family, he could have all of that plus other children to play with, parents who are young enough to "play" and many more of the things a young child should have. We also feel that the younger he is (for adoption) the better. This is actually tougher than my dad's suicide, my son's death or my daughter's addictions. In those, we had no choice - this one is all ours and it's a huge responsibility. I'm trying to look at every angle because whatever decision we make is permanent, for us and for Jeremiah and one we have to live with. I would value your thoughts.
As an aside, I guess I just have to say that my daughter doesn't have a terrible childhood to blame her addictions on. Although her father wasn't a very nice person, he didn't drink,his abuse was mental and was aimed more at me than at our kids. My mother's alcoholism, as well as my own, didn't materialize until much later in life. It was something my kids didn't experience in their early years. For whatever reason, when Amber was about 14 or 15, she just decided to go completely crazy. She got 8 other girls together when she was in 8th grade and beat up her best friend so badly they put her in the hospital. The girls dad had a heart attack over the whole thing and died. Then Amber jumped out the 2nd story window of our house and ran away to Denver to live with the Mong (sp?) gangs. I couldn't find her for months. When she finally made it back home, I even installed an alarm system in my house (to keep her in, not other people out). We had a guy climb up to the roof of our garage and break in her bedroom window and watch her sleep, holding a gun. If I didn't say it earlier, she hid 3 murderers in my basement. Se had sex in my stepdaughter's little boys bed with her daughter in the room. She shot meth in her veins while she was pregnant with Jeremiah. The scars and open sores on her face are like nothing you can imagine. I've put her in a treatment facility with 0% success. She has bled me dry in everyway you can imagine - I still love her but I can barely stand to be around her. My youngest daughter wonders daily when she's going to get a call that Amber has died in an accident, been murdered, has Aids or has died of an overdose.
In addition to having Jeremiah taken away from her by the Courts, she lost Davis 7 years ago (he's 12 now) and Sylvia 2 years ago (she's 5 now). She refuses to have her tubes tied because "God is in control of how many children she has). If she gets pregnant again, I honestly never want to see that child and neither does anyone else in our family. We are tired of having our hearts broken by losing children! Well - I guess that was a really long post, but I guess I feel better having said all that.
I've decided to talk to my daughter at length before finalizing this decision. It's actually wozzek's comments that prompted me to do so. My husband and I are going to calmly sit down with Amber (hopefully she shows up today like she said she would). We're going to tell Amber that unless she makes an immediate change in her life, I'm returning Jeremiah to Casper. She would have to be in AA or NA within one day and have a full-time, permanent job within one week. She would have to show me check stubs to prove she's really working and a form from AA (similar to what they do for court-ordered attendance) to prove that she's attending daily. I'm also going to tell her that if she doesn't love Jeremiah enough to do this for him, that I love her with all my heart but until she's clean and sober, I want her to leave me alone. She's impeding my own recovery from alcoholism and I really don't need that kind of help!
This is an incredibly hard thing. We love Jeremiah and don't want to abandon him in anyway. At the same time, we feel the strain everyday from having such a young child around 24/7. Our work day is 3:45 a.m. - 8:00 p.m. Neither of us have much energy for play, and sometimes patience runs thin and is forced. We can't help but feel that even though we can provide stability, consistency, financial security and love, that's not aways enough. If placed in the right family, he could have all of that plus other children to play with, parents who are young enough to "play" and many more of the things a young child should have. We also feel that the younger he is (for adoption) the better. This is actually tougher than my dad's suicide, my son's death or my daughter's addictions. In those, we had no choice - this one is all ours and it's a huge responsibility. I'm trying to look at every angle because whatever decision we make is permanent, for us and for Jeremiah and one we have to live with. I would value your thoughts.
As an aside, I guess I just have to say that my daughter doesn't have a terrible childhood to blame her addictions on. Although her father wasn't a very nice person, he didn't drink,his abuse was mental and was aimed more at me than at our kids. My mother's alcoholism, as well as my own, didn't materialize until much later in life. It was something my kids didn't experience in their early years. For whatever reason, when Amber was about 14 or 15, she just decided to go completely crazy. She got 8 other girls together when she was in 8th grade and beat up her best friend so badly they put her in the hospital. The girls dad had a heart attack over the whole thing and died. Then Amber jumped out the 2nd story window of our house and ran away to Denver to live with the Mong (sp?) gangs. I couldn't find her for months. When she finally made it back home, I even installed an alarm system in my house (to keep her in, not other people out). We had a guy climb up to the roof of our garage and break in her bedroom window and watch her sleep, holding a gun. If I didn't say it earlier, she hid 3 murderers in my basement. Se had sex in my stepdaughter's little boys bed with her daughter in the room. She shot meth in her veins while she was pregnant with Jeremiah. The scars and open sores on her face are like nothing you can imagine. I've put her in a treatment facility with 0% success. She has bled me dry in everyway you can imagine - I still love her but I can barely stand to be around her. My youngest daughter wonders daily when she's going to get a call that Amber has died in an accident, been murdered, has Aids or has died of an overdose.
In addition to having Jeremiah taken away from her by the Courts, she lost Davis 7 years ago (he's 12 now) and Sylvia 2 years ago (she's 5 now). She refuses to have her tubes tied because "God is in control of how many children she has). If she gets pregnant again, I honestly never want to see that child and neither does anyone else in our family. We are tired of having our hearts broken by losing children! Well - I guess that was a really long post, but I guess I feel better having said all that.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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nanita if you follow through on what you have posted IMHO you are doing the right thing for your grandson, your daughter and for you.
Things like this are not easy, it was hard enough for me with the young lad I spoke of earlier, with your own flesh and blood it is far harder I am sure.
Hon all of you will continue to be in my prayers.
Things like this are not easy, it was hard enough for me with the young lad I spoke of earlier, with your own flesh and blood it is far harder I am sure.
Hon all of you will continue to be in my prayers.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Santa Monica
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by nanita
I've decided to talk to my daughter at length before finalizing this decision. It's actually wozzek's comments that prompted me to do so. My husband and I are going to calmly sit down with Amber (hopefully she shows up today like she said she would). We're going to tell Amber that unless she makes an immediate change in her life, I'm returning Jeremiah to Casper. She would have to be in AA or NA within one day and have a full-time, permanent job within one week.
I mean, she escaped from all that, she'd be back full of meth or booze or, at least, full of fear, remorse, guilt. If she's inclined so, she'd be argumentative, nervous wreck and so on. And if you drink, under this ENORMOUS pressure you live in, you're not in a clear state of mind, tired, exhausted, disappointed, full of your own problems you'd need to deal with, tired of her and her behavior - what you have planned is nothing but a recipe for the disaster! And then you'd get drunk after she leaves in rage and come here telling us about it. The lives are in stake there and no one seems to have a firm grip over it...
The ONLY thing you should (with someone's help, I am begging you, do not blow your "last chance" in haste) do with Amber in this moment is to FOCUS at her health and her betterment. You should try to get her understand that and working WITH her (not blackmailing her) find a solution. The only thing that matters should be presented kind, calm, with love but firm and taking it is as a non-negotiable matter is that she needs to get into the rehab ASAP. Maybe you should go with her as well. Then, AFTER (and if) she agrees to go to the treatment all would be her responsibility. And you all take it from there.
Good luck with this predicament.
Originally Posted by nanita
I'm also going to tell her that if she doesn't love Jeremiah enough to do this for him, that I love her with all my heart but until she's clean and sober, I want her to leave me alone. She's impeding my own recovery from alcoholism and I really don't need that kind of help!
Btw, WHAT recovery? Didn't you state you are still drinking?
Be firm with your own clean and sober descision(s) and do not expect that anyone would recover in a week, "with a full time job" and cheerful smile on the face bruised by the abuse. It is not all her fault.
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