Introvrtd1

After 8 days sober marked last friday. Felt good and convinced myself i was cured and that i can handle only a few. Ha, i was kidding myself. Ended up doing a 3 day binge. Again, only kidding myself.

Monday morning here, and im coming down hard (withdrawals). Back on the guilt trip. Panic attacks come and go. Riding it out until it subsides. Ha, having one right now. Cant sit still. Pacing the room. Started OCDing (Obsessive compulsive disorder). Cold water over the head helps. Good thing im alone otherwise it would look weird to have somebody walk in and see me drenched from the neck up.

Head is still swimming. Feeling kinda loopy and spaced out. Its raining out. Kinda weird, but i love when it rains. Most people hate it. It has sort of a peacefulness to it.

Just ranting, rambling. It helps take my mind off of being anxious and scared. After a week of being sober, felt great, like superman. Now, coming down from a 3 day weekend binge, feel like a wuss. Scared of being alone, but scared of having somebody see me like this. No shakes, just panic. On and on i go. I want to get off this ride, but cant. Have to wait till it stops so I can get off.

Thanks for letting me go on. will feel better soon. just paying the price for bingeing.

Sad part is when i drank was fully aware of what i was doing, just felt so good to be 'high' just didnt care. I knew I would suffer or 'come down', still didnt care. Alcoholism is a b***h.

Off to do something constructive. Takes my mind off feeling crappy. Definitely no drinking for another week or more. Ultimate goal. To quit completely.

Thanks to all the good folks in this forum. Thanks for that shoulder to lean on.

Introvrtd1

CarolD

You gotta want to stay abstinent
more than you want to drink.

I do hope you find a way to
healthier life...

Blessings

Introvrtd1

Thanks Carol.

Paying the price of bingeing.

Anxiety and panic really coming on strong now. Back of my mind i know it will pass.

Reading and writing on the post really helps. Funny how rambling eases tensions and has sort of a calming effect. Strange...

Introvrtd1

Nuudawn

It takes work to stay sober. We have to live thru the fear, the cravings, the hellish moments, the awkwardness, the discomfort...the whole damn transition to a new and better life. We spent years refusing growth, development, maturity and reality...prepare for a crash course. Get the support required anywhere you can.
Pick self up and try again.
Bright blessings to ya.

Introvrtd1

Thanks Carol, Nuudawn.

Feeling a bit better. Appetite coming back. Panic, anxiety is gone. Starting to feel 'normal' (whatever that means). Feel like the worst of the storm is over. Seas calming. Will see how sleep goes tonite at bedtime. Usually takes a couple of three days to sleep soundly. When I woke at 4am this morning, i knew it was the bingeing. Felt wired and apprehensive.

Back to day one sober. This time sobriety goal is two weeks instead of one. Who says I cant keep going?

Introvrtd1

Nuudawn

Glad you're feeling better Intro...
Are you looking for a better way or simply a test of endurance to the next drink?
Rather than any goal or timeline...maybe just think about right now..this moment..this day...one day at a time with eyes forward in a new brighter direction.

Introvrtd1

Thanks Nuudawn,

That is helpful information. I guess in my 'purple' haze, I never saw it that way. I may have been setting myself up for failure, trying to reach a goal only to possibly justify a rewarding drink. Not a good way to try and quit. Thats why im here to get some insight from folks besides my own conscience.

Uh, oh. Felt fine a few min ago, panic returning. Just when I thought it was safe to leave my space. I feel like crawling back into my box. I'll tough it out like I have many times before. Sheesh, this s*cks.

If anyone asks me why I put myself thru this, I would have no answer. Im strange.

Intro

Tom

Intro, what you just described is me in a nutshell too. I am a heavy binge drinker as well, especially on the weekends. I also have those same physical symptoms as well and also that feeling of loneliness where you are afraid to be alone, yet don't want to see anyone in that condition. I'm on day 1 myself. Here's hoping we can make it through tomorrow and eventually the weekend . Those weekends are going to be the toughest hurdle in my opinion. I plan on being right here at happy hour friday drinking a Diet Pepsi.

Nuudawn

I doubt you're any stranger than anyone else in struggle Intro. I'm partial to a phrase I read once.. "our minds are like a bad neighborhood, one shouldn't go in there alone".
There really isn't anything all that easy about truly getting to know oneself if we've spent years buying into some false persona or worse, hiding behind a haze...purple or booze induced (that's where I spent years). I fancied myself a party girl ...fun, fun, fun...the reality wasn't that sweet.
I know that I had (and still do sometimes) an awful time thinking I needed any sort of help in this life. I really believed that I could "tough it out" and do it all on my own. That's a debilitating fallacy...for me anyway. We all need each other. I'm glad you're here.

chango

You didn't "blow it." While you didn't do something on the surface that's good, it's part of your process of sobering up.

It sounds like you are coming to the deep realization that you can't moderate your drinking. Ever.

This experience can be an opportunity for insight into your addiction and recovery rather than a failure. It is up to you.

Introvrtd1

Thanks all.

One day at a time. Lots of good advice. I'll pick up, dust off, carry on.

I'll hit the gym after work today. Bingeing withdrawals are agitated by exercise, but recovery seems quicker that way. Helps to also ease the anxiety. Again, rambling on the post helps a lot.

Intro

Wii

I KNOW what that's like, it DOES suck.

TRY:

Eating candy

Double strength Chamomille tea ** 2 teabags} with lots of sugar or honey

LAY DOWN!!! Preferably on your stomach in a dark room and close your eyes. Put a Fan on!! The hum is soothing to your nerves AND aim it directly at your smouldering head.

Think about something PLEASANT!!


NO!!! Coffee!! Cola or anything with caffeine in it. It just makes you WORSE!!!

Come on, you'll get through this. I tried 6 times before I got it right and I am sober now 15 years. Just keep trying, ok?

Introvrtd1

Thanks Wii,

Im popping 1000mgs of vitamin c like candy. Chewing them for immed effect. May be a placebo, but makes me feel better. Not overdoing it though, dont want to od on c's.

When the panic and anxiety sets in, i pop one. About 5 min later, feel a little better. chugging lots of water. Still a little apprehensive. Hard to focus. Cant sit still.

......be back, need to pace the floor a bit.

Intro

Introvrtd1

Whew, feeling crappy again. Comes and goes, but like so many other times before, will become less frequent and less intense.

I know i feel bad now, but as soon as I get home from work, that craving will kick in.

I WILL resist the temptation to buy beer on the way home.

Heck, I want one (several) now.

Coming down from this binge is such a drag, its actually a deterrent........for now.

Gotta fight it.

Intro

sobergirl77

Intro, I know it's tough. I just completely my 9th sober day and trust me, it has been difficult these last couple days. For some reason, on my 8th day (yesterday), it was the hardest it had been all week.

I just keep reminding myself that it's the ethanol that we are addicted to. Which basically is a poison. A poison that makes us feel good, but does so much damage to our brains and organs. For some reason, that has helped me not take a drink. (Well, that and praying and willpower, which I only have little of).

Poison. It's only poison.

Introvrtd1

Sober,

That was a pretty inspiring post. While bingeing, i didnt want to admit or think about drinking a poison. Which it is just that. Amazing how we just tune out the bad or the negative things about something that makes us feel (or think we feel) so good.

I read where being intoxicated is actually lack of oxygen to the brain. Wow, if you think about it, who in their right mind wants to deprive themselves of oxygen? Yet in bars, clubs, and homes across America and the world, people do it every time we drink.

I guess like most indulgences we have, the damage is slooowly, but surely.

Alcohol withdrawals are the body's way of readjusting its chemical balance. Thats the reason for the anxiety, panic attack, dt's, etc. Everybody's has different ways of 'coming down'. For me, its terrible anxiety and panic. Feeling okay now, but this morning was hell. I describe the feeling of going crazy or the urge to run out of the building histerical.

Thank God I just sat here and posted, rambled, on and on. It helps a lot.

Thanks again for ur encouragement.

Intro

sobergirl77

Yeah I know exactly the panic and anxiety you are talking about. The last time I went cold turkey (several months ago), the first night was awful. I literally kept sitting up in bed in a panic, thinking I was dying. I had to keep saying to myself "I'm OK. I'm not dying. It's OK. I'm OK." As ridiculous as it sounds to continually talk to myself, it actually comforted me somewhat. I also had the TV on when I went to bed to distract me from horrible thoughts. Being in a completely quiet room was a no-no.

fuster

Hello, Intro: Don't end up like your buddy there, Jimmy H. There is a way out of the insanity; when you are ready to do whatever it takes to get better, it will be there for you.

Introvrtd1

Stopped by the gym after work. Rode the stationary bike for 30 min. Last 10 min of the ride became anxious, panicky. I felt relatively calm before I started. Came away feeling kinda like I did this morning. Exercise is suppose to make you feel better. I guess I stirred up the toxins in my body. I figure they were released by the muscles and organs during exercise. Starting to calm down now.

Kind of ironic to have jimi h for an avatar pic.

I was out of town on assignment earlier this year and drank to oblivion in my room. Luckily I went out to the lounge and when I came to from my blackout, I was covered in puke. The guy that found my told me the next day he had to turn me over to keep from possibly choking. Hows that for a weird omen.

Anyway I was greatful and that should have been the end of irresponsible drinking. Nope. Now trying to quit, but my latest binges are never anywhere near oblivion.

Confidently speaking, I will eventually quit. I know I can do it. I encourage others reading this post to be strong and dont stop quitting.

Setbacks, slips, relapses, so what. Try, try, again.

Pick up, dust off, carry on.

Intro

Pilgrim

I tried to do it on my own too. Couldn't.

What Carol and Fuster said.