liongrrl goes roar
determined
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 17
liongrrl goes roar
Hello everyone.
This is going to be long, and I apologize in advance for being so verbose, but that is just the kind of person I am, drunk or sober. Fortunately this is the sober me.
Enough with this horrible, disgusting disease!! I am beyond fed up and I think I am angry enough to do something about it.
I'm at work now, and all morning long I was counting hours until lunch when I could go home and have something to drink. At 10:30 I was thinking Yay! Only one and a half hour left until I can go home and have some wine.
And then I remembered something about yesterday, how utterly stupid I was and how I ended up leaving work early to go home and indulge the stupid drunk, managing two drunk sessions yesterday. The stupid drunk is the idiot who accomplishes nothing, is a careless slob, and who continually ruins my reputation and happiness. Why do I indulge her? The stupid drunk is not me. I remember myself, as I used to be, and I want that back. I have been working on this for awhile. Quitting smoking cigarettes was the first great accomplishment (I have been smoke-free since January of 2006) and I want SO BADLY to get this monster off of my back for good.
Growing up with not one, but two alcoholic parents, I thought I would never become like them. Having gone from foster home to foster home as a child, I was certain that I would never drink as an adult, let alone become an alcoholic.
But then, at the tender age of 20, I realized (too late) that I had married one. Thankfully our marriage didn't last long -- unfortunately, it lasted long enough for me to adopt the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy that so many alcoholics have. I hope I will be able to beat this. But I fear failure. I'm only 27. I don't want to be fighting this the rest of my life.
During this past year, I've had more successes (days of sobriety) than in the past, but still many more failures. The longest "voluntary continual" was 5.5 days a couple of months ago. After that, a very large failure.
All the sordid details regarding that last failure: the person for whom I had been wanting to stay sober (who had been inspiring me to stay sober, something that I didn't think was possible) told me that he was going to pursue a relationship with someone else. My roommate was already kicking me out, and a short while later I found myself homeless and sleeping in my car. This didn't last very long before being harassed by police officers and arrested. I am SO thankful, I did not go to jail, but I very well could have.
After that . . . I got myself to a church and have been attempting to get rid of this stupid drunk. The church was great in helping me become a non-homeless person and helping me find some work, but I still have not been able to stay sober for more than a couple of days in a row.
It's making me so mad that it's not working. All the stupid excuses I use. But hey, at least they're good stupid excuses. I was in an auto accident in December of 2005, and never went to see a doctor. My back (neck, actually) has been in lots of pain; drinking helps me ignore the pain. I was raped in December of last year; drinking helps me forget that it happened. I guess need to start dealing with reality better.
This is going to be long, and I apologize in advance for being so verbose, but that is just the kind of person I am, drunk or sober. Fortunately this is the sober me.
Enough with this horrible, disgusting disease!! I am beyond fed up and I think I am angry enough to do something about it.
I'm at work now, and all morning long I was counting hours until lunch when I could go home and have something to drink. At 10:30 I was thinking Yay! Only one and a half hour left until I can go home and have some wine.
And then I remembered something about yesterday, how utterly stupid I was and how I ended up leaving work early to go home and indulge the stupid drunk, managing two drunk sessions yesterday. The stupid drunk is the idiot who accomplishes nothing, is a careless slob, and who continually ruins my reputation and happiness. Why do I indulge her? The stupid drunk is not me. I remember myself, as I used to be, and I want that back. I have been working on this for awhile. Quitting smoking cigarettes was the first great accomplishment (I have been smoke-free since January of 2006) and I want SO BADLY to get this monster off of my back for good.
Growing up with not one, but two alcoholic parents, I thought I would never become like them. Having gone from foster home to foster home as a child, I was certain that I would never drink as an adult, let alone become an alcoholic.
But then, at the tender age of 20, I realized (too late) that I had married one. Thankfully our marriage didn't last long -- unfortunately, it lasted long enough for me to adopt the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" philosophy that so many alcoholics have. I hope I will be able to beat this. But I fear failure. I'm only 27. I don't want to be fighting this the rest of my life.
During this past year, I've had more successes (days of sobriety) than in the past, but still many more failures. The longest "voluntary continual" was 5.5 days a couple of months ago. After that, a very large failure.
All the sordid details regarding that last failure: the person for whom I had been wanting to stay sober (who had been inspiring me to stay sober, something that I didn't think was possible) told me that he was going to pursue a relationship with someone else. My roommate was already kicking me out, and a short while later I found myself homeless and sleeping in my car. This didn't last very long before being harassed by police officers and arrested. I am SO thankful, I did not go to jail, but I very well could have.
After that . . . I got myself to a church and have been attempting to get rid of this stupid drunk. The church was great in helping me become a non-homeless person and helping me find some work, but I still have not been able to stay sober for more than a couple of days in a row.
It's making me so mad that it's not working. All the stupid excuses I use. But hey, at least they're good stupid excuses. I was in an auto accident in December of 2005, and never went to see a doctor. My back (neck, actually) has been in lots of pain; drinking helps me ignore the pain. I was raped in December of last year; drinking helps me forget that it happened. I guess need to start dealing with reality better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Santa Monica
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by liongrrl 
I'm only 27. I don't want to be fighting this the rest of my life.
And then I simple realized (I did not even struggled against the urge...) that I just do not want to come here, to SR, telling the story about another relapse, another failure, another day of pain etc.... every day sober helps me to stay sober.
So I am NOT regretting taking the drink; if I had it I would most likely have killed myself.
I feel your pain. I wish I wanted to quit when I was 27...
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Don't drink and go to an AA meeting. Go to several in a day if that's what you need to do to not drink that day. Do this for 90 days consecutively. If you don't like the results after 90 days, we will refund your misery with interest.
determined
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 17
Thanks, people!
Okay, home now. Still sober, but there is wine in the apartment. It was on the counter when I got home, and I put it out of sight.
I'm going to be updating this thread a lot, with boring details and stream-of consciousness and such, just to keep my mind and hands busy, thinking of something besides drinking. I can do this. I know I can. I'm so glad that I remembered this place existed. I was actually a registered member a long while ago. When I was still a smoker, I think -- SnowLeopard was my nick and some of the best advice I remember getting was "one thing at a time". The addiction that was nicotine was the one causing me the most guilt, so I decided to rid myself of it first. I wish I'd had some super human powers to stop them both (alcohol and cigs) at the same time, and a long time ago, but I didn't.
I have to do this now. Especially since yesterday was a particularly bad day, and since the person who inspired me to want to sober up still communicates with me, and we're kinda . . . um, something. I still haven't told him about my being arrested.
One thing I'm sure is that it doesn't get any easier to quit as time goes on. Thinking back to how I used to be right after I married the alcoholic . . . I would lay in my bed and read at night. That was fun.
So I'm more aware of the pain in my back when my mind isn't numbed by alcohol. . . so I'll have to learn to live with that pain, I'll have to be grateful that I can indeed still walk around, be independent, etc.
Hopefully will this self-absorption cease after a period of time of being sober.
I'm sure I can make it through this day sober. After today, I will have a full day of sobriety and that will make me all kinds of awesome. I've heard it gets easier the more sober days in a row one accumulates. This is excellent news.
Okay, home now. Still sober, but there is wine in the apartment. It was on the counter when I got home, and I put it out of sight.
I'm going to be updating this thread a lot, with boring details and stream-of consciousness and such, just to keep my mind and hands busy, thinking of something besides drinking. I can do this. I know I can. I'm so glad that I remembered this place existed. I was actually a registered member a long while ago. When I was still a smoker, I think -- SnowLeopard was my nick and some of the best advice I remember getting was "one thing at a time". The addiction that was nicotine was the one causing me the most guilt, so I decided to rid myself of it first. I wish I'd had some super human powers to stop them both (alcohol and cigs) at the same time, and a long time ago, but I didn't.
I have to do this now. Especially since yesterday was a particularly bad day, and since the person who inspired me to want to sober up still communicates with me, and we're kinda . . . um, something. I still haven't told him about my being arrested.
One thing I'm sure is that it doesn't get any easier to quit as time goes on. Thinking back to how I used to be right after I married the alcoholic . . . I would lay in my bed and read at night. That was fun.
So I'm more aware of the pain in my back when my mind isn't numbed by alcohol. . . so I'll have to learn to live with that pain, I'll have to be grateful that I can indeed still walk around, be independent, etc.
Hopefully will this self-absorption cease after a period of time of being sober.
I'm sure I can make it through this day sober. After today, I will have a full day of sobriety and that will make me all kinds of awesome. I've heard it gets easier the more sober days in a row one accumulates. This is excellent news.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
hi liongirl,
i give you a lot of credit with dealing with this problem.
It takes courage and wisdom to identify a problem in your life,
and not decide to interpret it as something else.
well done!
from my readings in alcoholism, (specifically, "Beyond The Influence", many medical researches have identified physical attributes within some people that makes alcoholism a physical disease.
And the author makes the point "you can't decide not to be alcoholic any more than you can decide not to have cancer or diabetes."
Now, the cures for these diseases are different. But all of them require intervention in a hospital, or with a clinical specialist.
Given your strong, strong attempts and your strong desire to make yourself well, i would counsel you to see a specialist. If you had cancer, you would have to see a specialist. You should treat this deadly disease just as seriously.
A book that shows the very real, very deadly affects of untreated alcoholism is
"Terry: My Daughters Life and Death Struggle with Alcoholism".
The author, a US presidential candidate in the 1970's, had a daughter who could not stop drinking. She ended up dying at 42. She drank too much at a bar in the winter, and passed out in the snow, and froze to death.
You can read the introduction at Amazon.
Alcoholism kills more people each year than all illegal drugs combined.
it's very deadly, and it's very important you treat this as your number one priority in your life now, and for the next few months.
You're young, and you have many years. But they may all be stolen from you if you don't do what you know you need to do.
I don't want to soft-peddle this message, because i don't want any confusion on the seriousness of it.
Treat yourself as you would treat your own daughter.
Please take care of yourself.
With every good wish...
i give you a lot of credit with dealing with this problem.
It takes courage and wisdom to identify a problem in your life,
and not decide to interpret it as something else.
well done!
from my readings in alcoholism, (specifically, "Beyond The Influence", many medical researches have identified physical attributes within some people that makes alcoholism a physical disease.
And the author makes the point "you can't decide not to be alcoholic any more than you can decide not to have cancer or diabetes."
Now, the cures for these diseases are different. But all of them require intervention in a hospital, or with a clinical specialist.
Given your strong, strong attempts and your strong desire to make yourself well, i would counsel you to see a specialist. If you had cancer, you would have to see a specialist. You should treat this deadly disease just as seriously.
A book that shows the very real, very deadly affects of untreated alcoholism is
"Terry: My Daughters Life and Death Struggle with Alcoholism".
The author, a US presidential candidate in the 1970's, had a daughter who could not stop drinking. She ended up dying at 42. She drank too much at a bar in the winter, and passed out in the snow, and froze to death.
You can read the introduction at Amazon.
Alcoholism kills more people each year than all illegal drugs combined.
it's very deadly, and it's very important you treat this as your number one priority in your life now, and for the next few months.
You're young, and you have many years. But they may all be stolen from you if you don't do what you know you need to do.
I don't want to soft-peddle this message, because i don't want any confusion on the seriousness of it.
Treat yourself as you would treat your own daughter.
Please take care of yourself.
With every good wish...
Thy will, not mine
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Lenexa, KS
Posts: 35
I've heard it said at meetings that "meeting makers, make it". The one thing that I do know from my own personal experience is that the only person I can get sober for is myself. Nobody can make me drink except myself, So I go to meetings to learn solutions to the everyday trials and tribulations that people call life.
Changing my lifestyle helped the most, but some people can't stop hanging out with those old friends. I've heard some pretty shotty excuses for poor judgement in the last two and a half years, but one thing I will say is that the people that are always in meetings or at the AA hall doing something positive do maintain sobriety.
Changing my lifestyle helped the most, but some people can't stop hanging out with those old friends. I've heard some pretty shotty excuses for poor judgement in the last two and a half years, but one thing I will say is that the people that are always in meetings or at the AA hall doing something positive do maintain sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
hi there lioness... have you gone to a.a. yet? lots of like minded folks who know exactly what you're talking about. and as far as quitting because someone is inspiringyou to , you have to do it for you. honey, you can see that when you get sober because someone ELSE believes you can, it just doens't work. you will learn in time how to address the painful issues of your life, but its important to get sober and do whatever it takes to stay that way.
(((((((((()))))))))))
gg
(((((((((()))))))))))
gg
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