Need some advise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Reading, PA
Posts: 24
Need some advise
Hello,
I am usually in the Al-Anon rooms, but have a question.
My husbend is an alcoholic and has been through rehab back in dec. He relapsed after 54 days, and has been doing so ever since. The time before last he consumed a liter of vodka a day for a week and at the end of the week, was throwing up (mostly blood) uncontrolably, so he has sworn off liquor for now....The last time he drank he drank beer (2 cases in 2 1/2 days), and has become increasingly ill tempered where he never was before. I know this disease is progressive, He has been drinking since he was 12, he is now 30, and has late stage liver disease. (which scares me to death!!)
He won't go to AA meetings he says he is too tired, we live close enough to the rehab he went to to go to their sunday "mass", but he won't. He doesn't even contact anyone he was in rehab with anymore (except for this chick, but that's another story)..
I think a lot of it has to do with his pride, being that people at the rehab know he relapsed, but to me these are all excuses. I know that I cannot help him if he wants to be helped, so Im helping myslef.
but the fact is I don't want my husbend to die. He is the most amazing man, and can do anything he sets out to do....when he is sober. And it scares me more then anything.
Is there anyway or anything I can do to encourage him to stay sober?
Does anyone know what the symptoms of late stage liver disease are?(or the progression thereafter)
I am usually in the Al-Anon rooms, but have a question.
My husbend is an alcoholic and has been through rehab back in dec. He relapsed after 54 days, and has been doing so ever since. The time before last he consumed a liter of vodka a day for a week and at the end of the week, was throwing up (mostly blood) uncontrolably, so he has sworn off liquor for now....The last time he drank he drank beer (2 cases in 2 1/2 days), and has become increasingly ill tempered where he never was before. I know this disease is progressive, He has been drinking since he was 12, he is now 30, and has late stage liver disease. (which scares me to death!!)
He won't go to AA meetings he says he is too tired, we live close enough to the rehab he went to to go to their sunday "mass", but he won't. He doesn't even contact anyone he was in rehab with anymore (except for this chick, but that's another story)..
I think a lot of it has to do with his pride, being that people at the rehab know he relapsed, but to me these are all excuses. I know that I cannot help him if he wants to be helped, so Im helping myslef.
but the fact is I don't want my husbend to die. He is the most amazing man, and can do anything he sets out to do....when he is sober. And it scares me more then anything.
Is there anyway or anything I can do to encourage him to stay sober?
Does anyone know what the symptoms of late stage liver disease are?(or the progression thereafter)
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Sun,
I don't know anything about liver disease, so I can't offer anything there..
I've been where it sounds like your husband is more than once, (except for the liver disease). There wasn't anything anybody could say to get me back on track, and if someone tried, even my wife, it would just make me mad to the piont, I would do the opposite.
The mental beating I would give myself for "doing it again" was bigger than wanting to do the right thing. And then the thought of having to go see those folks and tell them about it, kinda felt like I'd be letting them down I guess, and before I knew it, it just became easier to do nothing, even though that continued to make me feel worse.
Not much of an answer, maybe a little insight for you...
Good luck to both of you,
D-
I don't know anything about liver disease, so I can't offer anything there..
I've been where it sounds like your husband is more than once, (except for the liver disease). There wasn't anything anybody could say to get me back on track, and if someone tried, even my wife, it would just make me mad to the piont, I would do the opposite.
The mental beating I would give myself for "doing it again" was bigger than wanting to do the right thing. And then the thought of having to go see those folks and tell them about it, kinda felt like I'd be letting them down I guess, and before I knew it, it just became easier to do nothing, even though that continued to make me feel worse.
Not much of an answer, maybe a little insight for you...
Good luck to both of you,
D-
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Sunshine.I am sorry to hear of your situation.
Unfortunately if your husband is in denial and refuses to get tratment for himself then there is very little that can be done.
Perhaps you could try an "intervention" with some of his close family members and friends.
Maybe if you could get him to listen long enough to some of the people he cares about perhaps you could persuade him to sign himself into treatment again.
In the meantime just remember to take care of yourself and keep going to your Alanon meetings.
I am sorry I was'nt able to be of more help.
Peter.
Unfortunately if your husband is in denial and refuses to get tratment for himself then there is very little that can be done.
Perhaps you could try an "intervention" with some of his close family members and friends.
Maybe if you could get him to listen long enough to some of the people he cares about perhaps you could persuade him to sign himself into treatment again.
In the meantime just remember to take care of yourself and keep going to your Alanon meetings.
I am sorry I was'nt able to be of more help.
Peter.
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 4
Sorry to hear about your situation.
I actually just got very freaked out when my doctor told me my liver might be damaged. I used google to find out more about it. The internet has multitudes of information.
My friends recently had an intervention with me too. It helps to not be angry but make sure to show how much he is hurting you, and obviously himself. The fact that I was hurting my friends so much really got to me.
Good luck. Dont give up
I actually just got very freaked out when my doctor told me my liver might be damaged. I used google to find out more about it. The internet has multitudes of information.
My friends recently had an intervention with me too. It helps to not be angry but make sure to show how much he is hurting you, and obviously himself. The fact that I was hurting my friends so much really got to me.
Good luck. Dont give up
Misfit
Join Date: May 2003
Location: HOME
Posts: 42
Hi Sunshine.
My heart goes out to you -
An intervention is one possible way. Do you know any of the people in your husbands rehab group? - they might be able to help too.
As for liver disease - liverfoundation.org or a google search on liver disease will bring up a lot of information that may provide some additional insight.
Hope this helps a little -
My heart goes out to you -
An intervention is one possible way. Do you know any of the people in your husbands rehab group? - they might be able to help too.
As for liver disease - liverfoundation.org or a google search on liver disease will bring up a lot of information that may provide some additional insight.
Hope this helps a little -
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 46
Sunshine,
I'm assuming that it is the doctor who has pronounced that he's in the late stages of liver disease, so I would think s/he could provide all the information you need. Is it cirrhosis? That, or any liver disease, is a very serious condition and he simply must stop drinking if he wants to live. I would like to mention that I threw up blood once and went to the emergency room and they said I had a condition called Mallory-Weiss Syndrome which is a ruptured blood vessel where the esophagus meets the stomach and that it is associated with alcoholism. Maybe that could be why he's throwing up blood? It heals quickly as long as you don't keep aggravating it.
I am not trying to advocate one method over another here or ruffle any feathers, but given the seriousness of your husband's condition, I feel like I simply must say this: If he refuses to go to AA for whatever reasons, try to get him to read the RR book. For some people, like me, that was all it took to stop drinking. Different things work for different people and he just may be one of the ones that fits into the RR category. It could save his life, as I believe it saved mine, and AA has saved many others.
I wish you both the best in this very difficult time.
Screen3
I'm assuming that it is the doctor who has pronounced that he's in the late stages of liver disease, so I would think s/he could provide all the information you need. Is it cirrhosis? That, or any liver disease, is a very serious condition and he simply must stop drinking if he wants to live. I would like to mention that I threw up blood once and went to the emergency room and they said I had a condition called Mallory-Weiss Syndrome which is a ruptured blood vessel where the esophagus meets the stomach and that it is associated with alcoholism. Maybe that could be why he's throwing up blood? It heals quickly as long as you don't keep aggravating it.
I am not trying to advocate one method over another here or ruffle any feathers, but given the seriousness of your husband's condition, I feel like I simply must say this: If he refuses to go to AA for whatever reasons, try to get him to read the RR book. For some people, like me, that was all it took to stop drinking. Different things work for different people and he just may be one of the ones that fits into the RR category. It could save his life, as I believe it saved mine, and AA has saved many others.
I wish you both the best in this very difficult time.
Screen3
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
Sunshine,
All the advice and more has already been given in this thread. I have no more to offer you.
All I can offer you is well wishes and hugs. And..... come over to our side
(alcoholism) any time you please.
I just wish he would go to meetings. I have one thing to offer... Rational Recovery....
for some reason they have a bug up their @ss about AA, but their program is supposed to be good.
Please keep coming back with updates and/or for support!
All the advice and more has already been given in this thread. I have no more to offer you.
All I can offer you is well wishes and hugs. And..... come over to our side
(alcoholism) any time you please.I just wish he would go to meetings. I have one thing to offer... Rational Recovery....
for some reason they have a bug up their @ss about AA, but their program is supposed to be good.
Please keep coming back with updates and/or for support!
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 55
Perhaps this might help...
I'm afraid my knowledge of relationships involving alcoholism or adiction is lacking; however, I may be able to share a thing or two about this illness your husband may have.
I mean no insult to your intelligence, nor to anything you already may know, but if your husband is an alcoholic, then he is in the grip of a progressive, and fatal, illness if left unchecked. Obviously...right?
You should also know that this particular illness centers as much in the mind as it does in the body, and your husband may be at that point where he simply cannot differentiate the true from the false in his life. Every alcoholic will tell you that they experienced the same state of mind, as is certainly the case with me.
You should also know that unless your husband truly wishes to recover, truly comes to terms with his own condition, then there is nothing you can say to him that will ever change his mind. I know that's bleak, but it is the painful, and unfortunate truth.
Having said that, your husband sound as if he is experiencing some very serious medical and mental issues as well, which are equally as deadly. These conditions...the advanced liver disease and what sounds like serious depression...must be dealt with before any sort of recovery can really occur for him, as he may very well not be in his right mind.
Now, I am not a doctor, and am sharing my opinion only, based on what you've written and my own experience with my own depression and alcoholism. My suggestion out of that would be to pursue the intervention. He si clearly a very sick man.
I would further suggest discussing the situation with some local AA folks in your area, as well as your doctor. Committment may be an option if it is clearly obvious that he is not in his right mind to assist himself.
Keep in mind, all of the components are working together right now against your husband, the alcohol, the liver disease, and the depression. Each alone is serious, but taken together...find help now would be my advice overall, from expertise in your area with experience in such cases.
Blessings and may God be with you and your husband in this trying time.
I mean no insult to your intelligence, nor to anything you already may know, but if your husband is an alcoholic, then he is in the grip of a progressive, and fatal, illness if left unchecked. Obviously...right?
You should also know that this particular illness centers as much in the mind as it does in the body, and your husband may be at that point where he simply cannot differentiate the true from the false in his life. Every alcoholic will tell you that they experienced the same state of mind, as is certainly the case with me.
You should also know that unless your husband truly wishes to recover, truly comes to terms with his own condition, then there is nothing you can say to him that will ever change his mind. I know that's bleak, but it is the painful, and unfortunate truth.
Having said that, your husband sound as if he is experiencing some very serious medical and mental issues as well, which are equally as deadly. These conditions...the advanced liver disease and what sounds like serious depression...must be dealt with before any sort of recovery can really occur for him, as he may very well not be in his right mind.
Now, I am not a doctor, and am sharing my opinion only, based on what you've written and my own experience with my own depression and alcoholism. My suggestion out of that would be to pursue the intervention. He si clearly a very sick man.
I would further suggest discussing the situation with some local AA folks in your area, as well as your doctor. Committment may be an option if it is clearly obvious that he is not in his right mind to assist himself.
Keep in mind, all of the components are working together right now against your husband, the alcohol, the liver disease, and the depression. Each alone is serious, but taken together...find help now would be my advice overall, from expertise in your area with experience in such cases.
Blessings and may God be with you and your husband in this trying time.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hopefully this link will be able to provide some useful information;www.intervention.com/alcoholism.html
Peter
Peter
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Sunshine,
I think it is wonderful your there to support your husband. You must be a very special lady and what you are going through is not easy. I hope your taking care of yourself and just wanted you to know I'll pray for you and hubby.
I think it is wonderful your there to support your husband. You must be a very special lady and what you are going through is not easy. I hope your taking care of yourself and just wanted you to know I'll pray for you and hubby.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Midland, Texas
Posts: 5
living with it
I can't speak to the liver disease, but I do know about living with a practicing alcholic and being a sober alcholic. I've been clean & sober since '81 and have been living with my alcoholic since '71. Yup. I went to alanon to get "him" sober and got sober in spite of my self.
fact: some people die drunk no matter how much they are loved.
sad but true.
Our youngest daughter was a junkie and killed herself in '89.
About that time I came to realize that I loved my husband, drunk or sober, in the same house or across town, and whether or not he loved me. I have also come to believe that is the only way you can really love anyone. Loving with no expectations. Life is short.
I took care of me first (stayed sober & had a strong support system in place). Then I committed to loving the people in my life (husband, children, friends, etc.) as well and deeply as I am able just for the sake of loving them. I no longer have time to try to bend them to my will. I am just grateful for each day I have with each of them. It turned out that my husband does love me and his behavior changed in response to my behavioral changes.
I am sorry that he still drinks, but acknowlege his right to do so.
I know he would quit if he could. He is such a wounded soul that he cannot not drink. I never forget that I am only 1 drink away.
Fact: loving someone does not mean enabling them.
fact: some people die drunk no matter how much they are loved.
sad but true.
Our youngest daughter was a junkie and killed herself in '89.
About that time I came to realize that I loved my husband, drunk or sober, in the same house or across town, and whether or not he loved me. I have also come to believe that is the only way you can really love anyone. Loving with no expectations. Life is short.
I took care of me first (stayed sober & had a strong support system in place). Then I committed to loving the people in my life (husband, children, friends, etc.) as well and deeply as I am able just for the sake of loving them. I no longer have time to try to bend them to my will. I am just grateful for each day I have with each of them. It turned out that my husband does love me and his behavior changed in response to my behavioral changes.
I am sorry that he still drinks, but acknowlege his right to do so.
I know he would quit if he could. He is such a wounded soul that he cannot not drink. I never forget that I am only 1 drink away.
Fact: loving someone does not mean enabling them.
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
What a marvelous post, mahitabel. And welcome! You have quite a story. Good for you for being sober throughout it all!
Wow!
as you know, without taking care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone. Talk about preaching to the converted. My sobriety date is May 18, 2003 (yes, I'm a serious newbie) but I just had to say.. you have what I want so I'm going to learn from you! "as well and deeply as I am able just for the sake of loving them"... sounds like true love. Love as is sought after by many AA ppl that I know! Wow again!
You are not co-dependent and you are living life on YOUR terms. Something I'm striving for!
Congradulations and good work!
I, too, am just one drink away and will always be (again, listen to the newbie). If you want to see how I lost a month of sobriety, just look up a thread of mine on the Alcoholics Anonymous board titled " Do I start over at one day?????????? " (I am even more committed now).
You are one awesome lady!!
I have also come to believe that is the only way you can really love anyone. Loving with no expectations. Life is short.
I took care of me first (stayed sober & had a strong support system in place). Then I committed to loving the people in my life (husband, children, friends, etc.) as well and deeply as I am able just for the sake of loving them
"as well and deeply as I am able just for the sake of loving them"... sounds like true love. Love as is sought after by many AA ppl that I know! Wow again!
I no longer have time to try to bend them to my will. I am just grateful for each day I have with each of them
and you are living life on YOUR terms. Something I'm striving for!
It turned out that my husband does love me and his behavior changed in response to my behavioral changes.
I, too, am just one drink away and will always be (again, listen to the newbie). If you want to see how I lost a month of sobriety, just look up a thread of mine on the Alcoholics Anonymous board titled " Do I start over at one day?????????? " (I am even more committed now).
Fact: loving someone does not mean enabling them.
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