hbb

Hi, because this is all new for me, I was wondering if my bf was to relapse and drink after being sober (he's never gone that long before) for him to push me completely away and avoid me? We had a plan to possibly meet up and he sent an email stating he would talk to me soon and he had to sort things out. Would the guilt of drinking be so great that he would treat me very differently and not loving at all? I jumped to the conclussion there may be someone else but wondering if the same effect could have come from drinking. But on the other hand he's suppose to get his 6 month chip tomorrow and knew i might go. Would it be possible he's lying to his group, sponsor and me and family and still get it knowing he drank? He has been extremely distant, we took a break 2 weeks ago and before that he was snippy and very very distant. Just trying to figure it out. I'd love to think it was not someone else. He sent me a bday card and part of it was that he felt like he's let everyone down.....maybe i'm reading into it....just wondering from experience out there

wozzek

His lover is booze!
His demon is booze!
His life revolves around booze!

Nothing matters, no one, when you drink (IF an alcoholic, I am not talking about "normal" people that can enjoy an occasional drink), only YOU (the drinker), your guilt, your drink, your efforts of not to drink, you obsession with the drink, your "moderate" drinking and all nine yeards.

All this have nothing to do with you. It could be helpful or harmful to you (if you realize this truth) but you should know, a drunk's life is determined with his or her illness. Everyone else (marriage, love, friends...), everything else (job, money...) are being used by a drunk as crutches that help him / her to walk through the life without seeing he or she has no life at all.

At least not the life a humans should have - a life free of addiction.

Sugah

Suggestion? Find yourself an Alanon group.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

nan07

I haven't had any experience with a partner relapsing, but I have had experience with a partner who is fooling around. The distant, snippy behavior could well be a sign of this. If I were you, I would have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him that you have noticed the wall that has sprung up between the two of you. Hopefully, he is the honest type and will tell you what's up, be it drinking or somebody else. Good luck...

hbb

I'm torn, i asked him and he's kind of beating around the bush, i flat out asked him if there was someone else and he said we had discussed it and i asked him "so no" and he said "right". Not sure what to believe, don't think he would tell me either or be honest, just keeps pushing me away.

CarolD

I think he is making it clear to you that
t this affair is over.

Why do you want to hang on to
a man who is not to be trusted?

That is the question....IMO

Good luck and try therapy

nolonger

My 0.000002c.....
Seems like you can't force it. Walk away for a bit. If he's wants to come back, he'll come back and then you can decide on your terms whether you can be bothered to take him. Just don't let him twist you this way and that. Whether it's booze or just old fashioned dishonesty, it's not worth it.

MTBChick

I have been in this exact situation and when I sat down and had the heart to heart he blatently lied straight to my face.... I didn't officially learn the truth until much later, but I always knew the truth via my intuition...Follow that intuition.

collinsmi

Watch what he does more than what he says. If he is drinking again, chances are he won't be able to hide it for long.

Pick-a-name

BTDT with my husband of almost 30 years (still drinking). I didn't/don't much like EITHER option, but trying to play HIS game makes me feel badly about myself,so this is the same "solution" I have come up with....about the drinking (doesn't work in my life) and the behaviors...even worse to try to accomodate and put up with than the drinking.

Do I still love him...yes; but I have to put my love for myself (and children) ahead of that. Not easy, but feeling better about myself is more important.

Hope to see you at Family and Friends some more. Sorry you are hurting.

hbb

Thanks Pick, everyone has been great and i know that many are feeling like they are beating a dead horse here and i understand and i'm sorry for that. I feel if i let it go than i have nothing to hang onto with him. I actually went to the movies last week and laughed, felt SOOOOOOOOOOOO guilty for that afterwards which i know is crazy because he's not wondering what i'm doing. I'm just crushed to think that the person that i loved sooo much for such a while could basically care less and this is him sober not even drinking anymore. Never thought that helping him get sober and clean would result in me crying every minute of everyday...NEVER EVER thought that.

Pick-a-name

hbb; I understand. I AM broken-hearted,too. Everything in my life has been pretty-much broken at this point. He walked out and is still drinking; divorced me....there are women (he denies it,but that is not true....more HAS been revealed to me). Actually, he tells me the same kinds of things....not drinking (or just a few) things are great,blah,blah,blah......I sometimes even believe it, but our kids remind me that is not reality. He talked like that to other people when he was drinking and yelling,etc at us.....

Things are not always what they seem. More will be revealed to you,too.

God bless you. Please keep the focus on yourself and make HIM earn the priivledge of YOUR company back, if and when he gets it together!

hbb

Thanks Pick, i'm sorry your sad too, I look at so many relationships that are happy, so they seem, and just wonder why i can't have that too. I look at my parents, they have been happily married for 37 years and here i am 33 this week and have nothing. Granted i have my health and a wonder family and friends but you know how you thought "this is it, this is the one" and ya there have been problems to go with everything else but i thought we loved each other so much we would get through it. And i'm not giving up on hope i'm just trying to no holding on him not there right now. Damn it! He should earn it, maybe he will wake up and realized he lost the best thing that happened and part of me hopes i'm not there by then

cookconfay

My ex hubby sure is feeling the pain now! Mentioned before, don't know if you saw, but. . .I found out I was pregnant a week after he moved in with his girlfriend. He chose to lie, cheat & use & drink again, well got him OUT of my life. I wanted to hurt him real bad, all the girlfriends too. Well. . .I eventually calmed down, he has seen his now 3 yr old daughter all of 2 times and that was when she was a baby. Who's crying now????? I'm the winner in the deal and he's sittin his dumba** in prison. Another thing that got me through was being grateful that I wasn't waking up or. . .coming to, I should say, in all those nasty places with all that shame, remorse & guilt that he had. YEP, I was ever so grateful it was him and not me. He's got to live with his pain, I got over mine. I will add one more quick thing here. . .THE PAIN OF STAYING IN SOMETHING THAT JUST AIN'T GONNA WORK IS HORRIBLE, THE PAIN OF MOVING ON WILL EVENTUALLY LESSEN AND HEAL.

hbb

Oh Connie, i'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. I take the postings of people who are or were married and say that it could be alot worse and i should be lucky that it's only 9 months instead of 9 years in missery. This is truly a whole new world for me, my family isn't from alcoholism nor am i familiar with this process. I'm and always have been a social drinker, don't even care about it. Looking back, i guess his drinking was masking alot of problems that won't be cured without heavy therapy. And he said he has never done this other than by himself and you know, i dont want to be with someone who's going to do this everytime things get rough down the road every few months. I survived an ex before and maybe i will survive an ex again. My heart and my mind are in constant battle, i truly love him but my mind says it's too much work for 9 months and doesn't appear he's going to change the way we could work together.

fraankie

well, as far as important questions go
i got the answer
lol
but, seriously,
i don't know, ages, personal info, drinking history, family stuff, relationship issues,etc
think about this
your boyfriend is coming up on 6 months
probaly the first time in his life since he started drinking, drugging?
since his first drink, drug?
that he's had probaly more than a week sober
sober,
as in AA, don't drink and go to meetings, big book, steps, sponsor, sober friends, etc

for you
stay the course
be supportive
he very well turn "into" the man of your dreams
give him time
give him a second chance

best
fraankie

cookconfay

No need to be sorry. I am not anymore! I am grateful I got through it all without hurting anyone including myself. God's got bigger greater plans and I can always be sure they're better than anything I can imagine. Gotta leave it for him to take care of though and get out of his way. He's in charge.

hbb

Fraankie, you could very well be right. It's just that every single day that goes by for me is like 20 days. Not knowing what, where, whom he's with or what he's doing, i know i shouldn't care but i do. I'm not going to lie, we were inseperable for 9 months and it's tough but i know i've giving it 1,000,000 percent of my effort that i don't have the energy for anymore. I guess it's in someone elses hands for the moment, nothing i can do for him anymore and nor does he want it from his actions.

nan07

He's lying. You can tell by the way he's dodging you. I went through the exact same thing a few years back and my ex lied to me about fooling around, too. The worst part was the distant, mean behavior and her denying that anything was going on. I'll be honest with you...once I finally dragged the truth out of her and broke things off, it was a relief. I guarantee that you'll come out of this ahead, hbb. I was 38 years old when I met the person of my dreams and we are happily together today, so don't give up hope that you'll find true love. Take care...

hbb

I think he could have contact with his ex because he said he wanted to appologize to her for how he treated her in their 8 years together and never had closure. My feeling is that if that's what he wants he can have it. It was, from what i heard, awful, she as a loser, put him through the ringer. I literally have not done anything but be the best, not fight, pay for things, never asked for a dime, supported him. If the grass is greener than so be it, he's the one that will be ALONE in the end, what goes around comes around, maybe not now but it will and i'll know i did the BEST i could for this relationship. I hope it's not true, he could also be drinking, that was another thought i had from some resources....