BaldHeadedJohn

I know I'm killing myself. I can't imagine living with alcohol, and I can't imagine living without.

There are so many things I associate drinking with, normal things like cutting the grass, washing the car, laundry. Pretty much everything.

I thought I would post here before I'm too drunk to type. I work on a computer all day so typing is pretty much automatic now. I've had about 7 16oz beers at this point.

I was drunk Sat and I fell off the roof in front of my kids. Nothing broken, but it hurts like h3ll.

My ex-wife took me to the hospital. I think I owe her so much. She's a very good mother, and a h3ll of good soul.

I keep thinking that a drink or two after work will help me settle down, but I CANNOT STOP AFTER TWO DRINKS.

I have tried AA, I have read Rational Recovery. I'm afraid to detox myself again. I've done it before, and it gets worse every time.

I need some advice.

I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now.

Lost_Child, I love your poems.

Now what do I do?

Peter

Maybe you could think about rehab or doing a professional detox.

You are faced with the same dilemma that strikes fear in the heart of every alcoholic;"HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE WITHOUT ALCOHOL" That fear kept me drunk for at least another 3 years.

Now that I am sober I cannot imagine how my body endured so much punishment for all those years. I never want to go back and I don't miss it.....yep. that's what I said...I NEVER WANT ANOTHER DRINK AS LONG AS I LIVE.

If you want to get sober and stop falling down in front of your kids you can do it...... but it starts with courage and committment from deep in your heart.

BaldHeadedJohn

I think I posted in the wrong forum. Would the mods please move to the 'Newcomers' forum?

Thanks.

Bald-Headed John

BaldHeadedJohn

Peter,

Thank you.

I've been through detox and an intensive out-patient program. This was after I thought suicide was the answer in Nov 04.

All they did was send me to AA.

I have nothing against AA. I've seen it work in many people.

I've been able to stay sober for 2-3 weeks at a time, but there always seems to be something that says "HEY! a nice cold beer would br good right now!" And I always give in. And I <<KNOW>> in my heart that these few drinks today will lead to a major binge tomorrow.

I think that maybe I'm just a hopeless drunk.

Peter

I do not believe in such a thing as a "hopeless drunk"

Your greatest challenge will be "not picking up that first drink" You obviously will not be able to stop yourself after the first drink. I was the exact same thing. If you can dig deep and find the strength to resist taking that first drink everytime the thought or urge comes to you you can get sober.

Everyone posesses within us the ability to rise above obsession and mental torment.

Peter

There are some really savvy people that hang out in here who have experienced the same things you are experiencing now. I am glad you decided to let the thread stay . The others will be along soon.

BaldHeadedJohn

Thank you again.

I'm going to dump the last 3 cans in the sink, put some Stouffers French bread pizza in the oven, and start tomorrow as the brand-new day it will be.

I'll check in tomorrow from work. This dial-up taks SOOOOOOOO long sometimes.

Thank you again, Peter.

Blessed be.

BHJ

BP44

Bald, I "tried" AA too, but didn't really take the suggestions, went on a long dry drunk, then an almost as long relapse. This was after two stays at the treatment center, which I now lovingly refer to as the nut house. However, I became hopeless when I couldn't drink and I couldn't not drink and something told me that the only way I would avoid another first drink was to get my ass IN AA. Today I do not have the luxury of hanging around AA. I have to be involved. I have a sponsor now and am doing step work with him instead of step work in my own sick mind. I don't try AA anymore, I do AA. When I didn't work for AA, AA didn't work for me. I guess my best suggestion is that when you get to a point when for a day you want to not drink and go to a meeting , do it. Just do it. And if you have to go to 3 or 4 meetings that day and sit on your hands to not drink, do it. What would you do for a drink on any given day? If you are like I was, you would go to any lengths to get King Alcohol. Go to those lengths to stay sober for just 24 hours, and thwen get up and do it again. Hope this helps

BaldHeadedJohn

BP44;

Perhaps you're right. I did enjoy the company of AA. The part I had problems with was "Turning my life and my will over to the care of God, as we undestood him."

I practice an alternative religion (Wicca), whose sole decree is "An' it harm none, do what ye will." And by none, that includes myself.

A few weeks ago, I wore my pentagram necklace to a meeting, and I got nothing but 'Satanist', 'Devil Worshipper', 'Heathen".

That is not the case. Just as I cannot believe in an all-good diety, I cannot believe an all-evil diety. And I cannot pretend to know what "God's will, not my will." is. I Try to be a decent human being. I try not to judge, for judging others says more about me than the other person.

I'm just very confused.

Thanks to you all. I'm glad I found this forum. If I don't replay tonite, I'll check in tomorrow.

Thank you all!! :-)

Peter

You are free to choose your own religion and understanding of your Higher Power even if it is a tree. AA allows you that freedom.

Members who think it fit to judge another for their creed or religion do so only at risk to their own sobriety.

However, perhaps you might try going to another meeting probably an agnostics AA meeting if you can find one:

http://agnosticaa.org/

Rob B

HI John,
I too could not imagine a life that didn't involve alcohol, my "trigger" was being awake, the last two years I was active I drank round the clock and wanted to die. In the end I wanted to live a bit more than I wanted to die, In a remarkable set of circumstances I crawled into AA.
Today I am a recovered alcoholic. Yes, I said recovered, this is a lot different from being cured. I am not craving a drink because I have no alcohol in my system to start the phenomena rolling. My mind is not telling me to drink. The program of recovery freely offered in AA led me to a source that has removed the problem providing I am willing to live by spiritual principles.
I am truly saddened to hear that you were given a hard time for your pentagram necklace. Unfortunately, not all members follow our tradtions. Find a group that accepts you for who you are, a still suffering alcoholic.
In regards to God's will, don't sweat the existential stuff, Here's a quick test for self will VS. (God's as you understand him will) If an idea, thought, or action is in question, get quiet for a moment and ask. 1. Is this selfless? 2.Is this honest?
3.Is this pure? 4. Is this loving?
Sober Recovery is a good place to share, however face to face is where you can look another human in the eyes and really see the truth. Please seek recovery out in whatever venue is going to work for you. Best of luck.

insanebrain

i can so relate to what everyone is saying here about cant live with it cant live without it. dont make aa harder than it has to be. your addiction is giving you all kinds of excuses for not getting sober. do you want to be controlled or be in control? although i must admit its easier to give advice than to follow it! good luck

BP44

John, dude don't worry about the third step. Get into the first step. And keep looking for a group that YOU are comfortable with. I could really care less what other's religious affiliations or beliefs. The mere fact that they believed in a higher power, and that their lives got better was enough for me. It meant that I could do it too.

GlassPrisoner

That is SOOO me. I remember thinking about my amends about 30 days in. My sponsor "suggested" I do the steps in order, starting with the first one.

I struggled with that too. Currently, my theory is this. I don't think God has a problem with me staying sober, raising my daughter, and helping others stay sober. Most likely, that IS His will for me.

BaldHeadedJohn

I'm going call today my Day 1.

Thanks all of you for support.

I going to keep my mind on my work until 3, visit my granny, go shopping, and hit my local meeting tonite.

Thanks again.

CarolD

Hi John...

Please see if this info works for you..

http://members.aol.com/JehanaS/recovery.html

Take care

BaldHeadedJohn

Thanks Carol!

I came across that a few months ago and forgot all about it- Printing it out now.

BHJ

collinsmi

Yeah, if I was awake and doing something, I knew it would go better with a beer.


Why not try a different meeting? Those people don't sound too tolerant, or representative of what I've found in AA.

nan07

I hope you're doing o.k., John. Today is my first day, too. Hope to see you around!

bye_bye_vodka

Both of you please keep us posted. We are here to help and you are here to help us.