LiveInPeace

My addictions, defenses and not living as my authentic self were all a false facade of safety. Now that those are being knocked down, I am terrified of just "living".

I've isolated myself even more than I used to. I feel like I have no idea how to deal with things or people. I thought I used to. I've had jobs, friendships, etc but I see now how unhealthy I was through them all. And now it is all confusing and overwhelming. I feel like I still have the coping skills and thinking of a child.

I was given the keys to free myself from the jail of addiction, but I just freeze at the thought of going out there in the world. I just stare blankly at the keys, too fearful to move.

Has anyone else felt this way? Anyone overcome it? How?

I also don't understand if I've worked through the majority of the steps with a step sponsor, why am I feeling this way?

ScottFromWI

Most of us had/have underlying conditions to our addiction and many of us tried to mask them by drinking/drugging. Getting sober is certainly a prerequisite to solving those problems, but it's not the all-encompassing solution in itself. Some of us have physical issues that require medical attention. Others have psychological issues ( depresssion, anxiety, OCD, etc ) that require therapy and or possibly medical treatment.

So yes ....many of us have felt that way.

For me personally, Anxiety about my health, life and social anxiety was strong for after getting sober. For me the solution was to seek help via therapy. That and mindfulness has been really helping me a lot.

Have you ever seen a therapist or considered it?

LiveInPeace

Thanks, Scott. I've had depression/anxiety/with a little OCD mixed in there, since childhood but they weren't diagnosed until my 20s. In my 20s and 30s, I wasted 2 decades of therapy on and off, hiding behind my addictions and defense mechanisms. It wasn't until 3 years ago I found a therapist who worked well for me. But it's been a very long, excrutiatingly slow process for me. I'm on an SSRI too, though I've tried many times to get off it.

I'm glad I'm not alone in that respect. I don't hear anyone in the rooms talking about this part of the journey. My sponsor doesn't, either.

Thank you for saying that. That is exactly what I am experiencing now. I just want to hide under a rock.

I've read some things on mindfulness and love it, but I have a lot of problems applying what I read.

I am still in therapy. My other therapist retired, and the new one I see has been able to help me grow from where I left off. Plus he's an addiction specialist, which is lucky for me. I don't think this is news to him, though. His focus right now is on helping me feel my feelings which is the hardest thing I've ever worked on. But I need to communicate to him outloud what I wrote here, even if he already senses it.

Plus I should mention my sponsor doesn't want to work with me anymore. I'm too much for her to deal with. I'm not sure why, because I haven't talked "drama" with her since I first started the steps. But I think she's tired of trying to get me to do things and I'm too scared to do them. I'm really sad over this and trying not to fall into self-loathing.

ScottFromWI

It's good to talk about it...we have an anxiety and mental heath issues forum here too you know, check it out if you have some time.

Everyone does...meditation is difficult even for the seasoned. It's important for me to remember that it's not a magic cure that's going to just make the anxiety go away, rather to help manage it. If you like to read, a great book on this topic is "10 percent happier" by Dan Harris.

Here's an idea - print out your post and take it to your next session. Sometimes it's easier than saying it out loud.

Consider finding a different sponsor. It's your sobriety and if the relationship isn't working it's better to move on and not waste your time or hers/his

Anna

LiveinPeace, when I stopped drinking, I remember feeling like I would never figure out how to feel at ease through a normal day. For the first few weeks, I felt like unsure of myself all the time. I didn't have luck with a therapist, but I really hope you do. Instead I decided to try journaling. It was so very hard to write down all the feelings going through my mind and just seeing the words on paper was scary. But, out of desperation, I persevered and it helped a lot. Like Scott, I have found Minfulness to be so helpful. In particular, a book by Jon Kabat-Zinn "Wherever You Go, There You Are" was especially useful.

Fly N Buy

LifeGoesOn - your name kind of sums up a response! Life indeed goes on......sobriety is but a beginning step towards recovery. Finding our true selves is amazingly, scary, incredible journey - you are so on the right track.........

Our book emphatically mentions making use of other professionals, maybe that is something to consider.

Did I ever share this story with you? Not sure, it's a favorite of mine -

The story of the elephant sculptor : The Timeless Wisdom of Eknath Easwaran

I"ll leave you with this - a fine woman I know in the rooms held very high official positions within the political system in Washington DC years ago. When she gently speaks not a sound is utter - everyone wants to hear the divine nature of her simple sense.

She speaks of being in the program a couple of years and being so very confused. " I did not know who I was or what I liked - I didn't know if I liked chicken for dinner or steak".

When I see people of strength and character that confused in new sobriety I see hope for all. It just takes time and we can't be too hard on ourselves.

I see another post you made about your sponsor - oh well, nothing to drink over! People in AA will come and go from our lives - learn and move on is what I try to do. Have you worked with newcomers - you have a ton to offer!

LiveInPeace

Thank you, that's a helpful reminder. I forgot.

When I do meditate, I can sense the benefits from it, but I am still full of fear of being alone with my thoughts, if that makes sense. So fear gets the best of me, and I don't do it.

I like what you wrote hear about it being something to "manage" anxiety. I think that's why I quit eating well and exercising, because I was let down that they didn't solve my anxiety and depression. Plus now I'm just too slugglish and unmotivated. It's a huge catch-22, and it sucks.

I've read 10% Happier. :-) That was a good book. But I couldn't apply what I read. I don't know why. I took a ton of notes because I believed it would help. I have trouble taking action I guess. It's hard to explain. *

That is a great idea!!! He knows I struggle a lot with verbalizing things vs typing things. I'm going to do this!! Thank you.

I do think I may have outgrown her. Plus I had a resentment over something she said to me about 3 weeks ago that was very hurtful. I didn't know who to talk about it with, so I let it fester, and I think that may have been why things stopped working. I couldn't keep my hurt/anger in anymore.

I fear I won't be able to find a sponsor like her. She has great sobriety and spirituality. I guess I have no choice now though.

ScottFromWI

It makes perfect sense. For me, health anxiety is the worst of my problems. And in a sense, meditating can actually make it worse as much of my worry is focused within my body. So sitting completely still and focusing on my breathing makes me think about all the things that make me nervous!

But not all the time...it really does help to keep at it, even if it's just for a few minutes at a time.

Dee74

Hi LiveInPeace

I think this is very common too. I had no idea how to live as a adult, not a sober one anyway.

I was like a baby learning to walk...

The good thing was tho - I learned reasonably fast considering I had 30 years to catch up on...with each new situation I faced sober I gained a little more skill and knowledge.

Still...it takes a little while to be comfortable...how long have you been sober?

D

LiveInPeace

Thanks, Anna. That's exactly how I felt. When I focused on my step work, at least I had that. But now the world is too scary.

I've had many incompetent therapists in the past, and it sickens me how much money and time I wasted, but I do think my current one and the one previously were good. I'm sorry you didn't have good luck with therapists.

I am glad journaling helped you. I used to journal as a kid, so my experience was that it was a tool to vent. Is that what journaling for you is? I worry I'll just vent again. Is there a certain method you use to get to the core of your feelings?

I've read some of Jon Kabat Zin's book Full Catastrophic Living, but found it to be a bit overwhelming . I guess I need to figure out how to keep mindfulness and meditation SIMPLE because I get easily overwhelmed.

LiveInPeace

Yes this is how I feel. I had no idea it was common. Where do people talk about it and work on it?

How were you abe to learn fast? What helped you?

Since 2012, when I started working the steps. But I haven't really done much since then. I don't feel I can pick up where I left off. I did, however, do well at one party I went to about a year ago where I didn't drink, didn't seek attention, and took everything in. But the second social gathering didn't go as well. I can' t say I have given myself much opportunity to go out there and live, either. I am too afraid. I can't even bear the thought of working again, though I want to be useful again.

LiveInPeace

I'm sorry to hear you go through health anxiety. I had a bout of that this summer after a freakish medical thing happened. Reading health stuff online made the anxiety much worse. It took me about a month to finally stop. I think we alcoholics/addicts don't like it when something is out of our control. I know I wanted to fix my health issues and make them go away.

I know meditating is supposed to help because eventually our thoughts will diminish. I just don't give it a chance.

My husband was able to start meditating at just 30 seconds a day, and now he's up to about 8 minutes. He has general anxiety, though, not health anxiety. He started meditating after reading Dan Harris's book. I don't know why I won't give it a chance. I have faith it will help, but fear gets the best of me.

LiveInPeace

Haha good point. :-) I am so glad you wrote this about finding our true selves. I didn't realize it would be so scary. Looking back, it's almost like the step work was a cake walk compared to this part of my recovery. I feel like I have an even bigger mountain to climb and there's no instruction on how to climb this one.

What other professionals? Therapists? Religious professionals? Sorry I need things spelled out. :-(

Thank you for sharing this story! :-) I will read it as soon as I'm done replying.

"The divine nature of her simple sense." Yes that is what I dream I had!! Is it you're point is that it didn't matter that she held a high position, but that she had this simple divine sense? (Sorry again about needing things spelled out....) How did she gain that? That's what I yearn for. That peace in spiritual simplicity.

I can relate to that although I'm not sure it's my main issue. It is more of allowing myself the permission to have likes and dislikes.

I know it's in me somewhere but I can't find it. I will try to not be so hard on myself. I just wish there were instructions for this part of sobriety.

Yeah I ate over it, which was a bit of a transfer of addiction when I first started out, but today I am feeling my feelings althought it's hard not to blame myself.

Thank you for saying that. My sponsor said I wasn't ready to work with newcomers yet. I was asked a few weeks ago. I do feel I have a lot to offer because of what I was taught. I want to pass on what I was taught. But I also can't work with a newcomer with a low bottom. It's hard to explain but I have more than one addiction, and alcohol was not the one I bottomed out on, although I am an alcoholic. So I know I can't work with someone who needs detox or who will die if they drink again because I switched addictions before I got to that place. I can, however, take someone through the book. But they'd have to have another person to call as they got medically sober if that makes sense?

I'd go help someone in the addiction that I low-bottomed out in, but my old sponsor from that group yelled at me every time I brought up the big book during a share, and I will not sponsor without the big book.

On that note I am going to feed the dogs and go to a meeting.

Thank you everyone. ****{E-hugs of gratitude}}}

Dee74

I have no experience of the steps or AA.
My only experience is of SR. we talk about it a lot here


Like I tried to explain above it was both fast and slow.

Fast in that I had a pretty steep learning curve, but also slow in that it took me about a year before I felt comfortable with myself and like I was anything like a functioning adult human being.

Several things helped me. A commitment to not drinking again was paramount.

I found when you don't drink, you really have no choice but to face things head on...sometimes you ace things - and sometimes you mess up a little...but you get through, and you gain another skill or learn a little more.

I also had a little counselling help, I posted here wither asking for help or trying to give it, and I was lucky to meet my partner in this period.

All those things helped me work out who sober me was and what I wanted from life.

Maybe this is the phase of recovery you need to work on then?

The not drinking part is down and dusted right?
now it's all about what do you want your sober life, and sober you, to be like?

D

DoubleDragons

I think most of us are not used to caretaking ourselves in any meaningful way. My underlying reasons for drinking were to deal with my anxieties, resentments and my codependent tendencies. When I was a drinker, my only fix when any of these things reared their ugly heads was to act impulsively and emotionally and then drink about it.

Two nights ago, I went through an upsetting situation with my teenage son and his overzealous coach. Yesterday, feeling my crazy emotional state, instead of looking to fix the externals (i.e. desperately try to make my son feel better, attack the coach from my emotional state, etc.), I knew I had to make my internals better. So, for me, despite the crazy busy time of the year, I knew that I had to focus on myself. I went to three yoga classes yesterday, two of them being meditative in nature. I calmed myself down, accepted the situation and looked deeply into myself into what I felt needed to be done. I asked my level headed husband to email the coach in a respectful manner. He did. The coach sent a reasonable explanation back. Last night, we all watched a movie together as a family and my teenage son actually joined us and seemed in a good mood. I am in a calm, happy mood today.

This is such a new learning experience for us former drinkers, I know, but it is so rewarding and worth it and it gets easier as time goes on.

LiveInPeace

Thanks Dee. :-) Is there a particular thread or search that I can do to find it?

I guess I just didn't understand. :-(

I'm not doing very well with allowing myself to handle things head on I guess. I'll have to talk more with my therapist about this I guess.

Absolutely. Just not sure how but I guess it means to just deal with life as it comes.

Yes. But now it's like this feels even harder and I thought this was going to be the easy part. I feel like I'm alone on a row boat without a paddle or that I have a paddle but have no idea how to use it. I guess I have no choice but to figure it out.

LiveInPeace

Same here. Add on my never being allowed to have my own feelings as a child, and being messed up over how to have them, deal with them, and communicate them.

This paragraph was really helpful especially the part I underlined. I think I need to make a list of things to do to fix myself internally, instead of reaching for an addiction or something. That's so cool you did that automatically. I wish I was as level headed as your husband sounds!

Thank you for that hope.

Berrybean

You have something better than a paddle. You have your Higher Power - God could an would, if he were SOUGHT.

Just keep seeking - reading, meditating, etc. Ask for knowledge of his will and the power to use it. You need to ask, and to have the willingness to do his will.

Maybe read steps 10 and 11 in the 12&12 as well... Alcoholics Anonymous : Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

Sandy Beach is pretty good to listen to as well ... Sandy B Steps 10-11 Stateline Retreat Primm Nevada 2006 | RecoveryAudio.org

As far as your sponsor goes, are you sure it's because of 'You' and not because of things going on in her own life? Whatever - maybe a new sponsor could be a positive thing.

Soberpotamus

I think you're in a great place right now, LiveInPeace. It's that feeling of being pushed up against the wall that many of us felt before we got sober. You know there's no sense in going backwards into the abyss that is addiction, and yet, the only way left is to go forward, despite your fears and anxieties.

The only way out is through

Baby steps, that's all. One little step at a time. It feels very awkward at first, facing life without your crutch and old habit to bolster you. We all had to go through these initial first steps. It can be done. You can get through it.

That's where this community comes in quite handy. We're all here to hold your hand in a sense and let you know you will get through it if you want it badly enough.

That said, any type of support, such as meetings, or therapy, or journaling can only help.

stevieg46

Hi Live In Peace .

FEAR F***k Everything and Run .

2nd Step says '' Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity '' Sanity is a'' Normal way of thinking and living''

What is normal? AA slogans are if'' adhered'' too .

After the 2nd Step the other 10 Steps aim is to have a spiritual awakening as ''the result of THESE steps '' not just step 12 , it also states ''practice these principles in All of OUR AFFAIRS '' EG our '' everyday daily living '' = normal way of life =love + AA slogans for ''simplicity reasons ''

Sobriety is a ''process '' ongoing life time work preferably having a ''normal way of thinking and living '' . We Grow .

Fear is the absence of faith . Faith is the absence of fear .

Opening the door of fear leads to all sorts , lacking confidence anxiety etc etc etc . example ,looking in the mirror ? if we look like ''s**t we feel like s**t , cant just hope we will change , effort is required .

Step 3 is the ''Key '' 100% handing over ''everything '' to God as you understand him/her , doing this right means ''trusting '' I CANT , God can, ''accept and believe .'' Then we have FAITH , in God in ourselves , in others ,the more we practice this?, we then'' develop'' a ''conscious'' contact with God , the more we do it the more this consciousness grows and our trust ,faith , confidence grows in conjunction with our effort ( more we put in the more we get out ) .

Our God consciousness and faith and trust ,and absence of ''fear '' enables us to tackle Steps 4 5 6 7 8 9 ''effortlessly '' . If God is With Us ? then Who Can be Against Us ? , the process steadily ''growing'' our conscious contact . We experience intuition , clarity , things that are not ''coincidence '' calmness and sometimes serenity depending upon our input , Experience Strength and Hope in oneself ''within '' the ''quite voice '' ''faith without works is dead ''.

Of course we cannot be perfect in every way we are human , and from time to time our ''old ''nature or some old idea can creep in '' that's were Step 10 comes in , spiritual progress ,we are not saints .

11 and 12th are self explanatory , except one small detail in''Step 11'' , we don't do Step 1 ------- Step 11 and try to ''improve our conscious contact '' to 'improve '' something ? simply means we already have it and now we are going to try to improve it.

Back to 3rd Step ''key '' sobriety is a ''gift'' and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous does ''exactly what it says on the tin '' . A Spiritual Awakening .

Living in Peace hope I am not sounding preachy , I know full well what depressive moods, negative thinking , fears are . Those that say ''whats the use ,never get far '' 100% Entirely ready , what an order ? you can go through with it . take care .

Regards .
Stevie .