parentrecovers

putting this out there, maybe you all can help me?

daughter is in the halfway house now, over 40 days clean and sober again. i am grateful. there's a guy in the men's house - in his 40s. he's recently divorced and in early recovery. the two of them are spending a lot of time together. she's in her early 20's. she says there's nothing going on. and she says she is going to honor the "no relationship for a year" rule. but we (my husband and i) are not liking it. she seems smitten, and he's playing it up from what we can tell. we were at an open meeting with him last week and he actually addressed us by MR and MRS...we're only a few years older than him, for god's sake! we called him on it..

we've told her to be careful, and that we feel it's a dangerous road. but we are not harping on it. just made our position clear.

any thoughts? what's the deal with this? am i putting my nose where it doesn't belong?

thanks, k

tyler

That's really all you can do. It does sound a bit fishy to me though. However I would refrain from pushing too hard because addicts, tend to have a "rebelious" streak in them. If you push the issue too much, she may do it just to "spite" you. That's my personal experience at least. I know it's hard, but she is an adult and is free to make her own choices and mistakes. All you can do is offer advice and support. Sounds like you do a good job of that. Take care.

stone

Hi k, I think Tyler hit the nail on the head. Nothing to add except my good wishes.

PurpleReign

Parent,
I just want to say that I'm glad you post here, because it reminds me of how much my family cares and how selfish I am when I drink despite their pain. So thanks for hanging out with the drunks.

PR

steve11694

Is it the age difference that bothers you? or being that he is a recovering addict?

If it is the age difference I wonder how Michael Douglas's and Larry King's in-laws deal with it.

Rowan

Regardless of age, they are both where they are to focus on getting clean and/or sober. Men with men - women with women. Just my opinion.
I'd keep a close eye on things, K.

serina

unfortunately i did the same thing. met a guy in treatment. married him a few months later. it was a mess. and nobody could tell me anything!!! i agree don't go overboard telling her not to see him b/c that will make it worse. its hard to say. maybe she will ask you if she sees you are not trying to make decisions for her. i definately didn't focus on my recovery b/c i was focused on the guy. i wish you the best with her. how serious is she about wanting recovery? I know i wasn't as serious as i should have been. i was in my 20's at the time as well. tough call to make. hang in there. she will eventually realize what she needs to do. there's a saying that we alcoholics/addicts attract people that are as sick as we are. so if we get in a realtionship without having recovery that is trouble. on the other hand i know people in recovery that have good relationships with another person in recovery but they both have time sober and work their programs. in hind sight i see why it is really difficult to work on yourself if you are caught up in those initial feelings of being in a new relationship. feel free to PM me if i can be of help.

laurie6781

Yes you have a right to be concerned, no there is nothing you can do about it.

You have voiced your concerns. Now, hopefully, she will discuss this with her sponsor. However, do not be surprised if she doesn't.

Many of us (both men and women) have had to learn the hard way, and not by others experiences.

Now is when you MUST work your own program and give her to HP. I know it is hard but you really have to LET GO NOW. She is not living under your roof, thus your boundaries cannot apply. She has to live by the rules of the halfway house, or not, her choice.

It is her life, hopefully she is ready to work on her recovery. Please, K, keep working on yours.

I understand your concern, but......................................she is an adult and now has to learn from her own actions.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

PurpleReign

Agreed,
You can't start a car with two dead batteries.

PR

BigSis

Sorry, I agree with the above. I was told when my kids were in rehab that finding relationships is a REAL common way to distract AWAY from recovery.

You can't do anything about it - but if that man decided to talk to ME... I would certainly ask him what the hell he thinks he is doing and whether he has a sponsor and what his sponsor thinks of his 13-steppin'.

Sorry.... this just Pi**es me off.

Peter

Flags go up whenever I hear this kind of thing.

It is very easy for addicts to be overwhealmed with all the new feelings of intimacy within a rehab or AA meetings. For some it is often their first real experience with intimacy for a long time and it is easy for attractions to develop between male and female.

I am a strong supporter of the "men with men, women with women principle" and I think you have good reason to be concerned.

Rella927

Tyler hit on the nose K!

"Flags" are everywhere as Peter stated...I believe that!

(((Hugs and Prayers)))) is what I send to you today!

Live

Can I ask a question? What upsets you about being called Mr & Mrs.?

I live in the south and here, it is simply manners to address others formally as Mr and Mrs or Sir and Ma'am unless one is promted to call you by your first name.

Some of husband's best friends, his age, still call him Mr. P. ????

Do you think he was being ingratiating?

BTW....I agree it is a bad deal and well passed on wisdom not to get involved with the opposite sex in the recovery process. Regardless of age.

my 2 cents.

live

parentrecovers

i'm so over this now with the relapse...

but thanks everyone, it stirred up some good thinking!

blessings, and everyone - stay sober today!

k