BP44

Chris, I was exactly the same way. I felt like most of AA didn't apply. I was still quite unique. I had to go through a nasty relapse and then a lengthy period of dry drunkeness to experience the pain and fear that would lead me back to AA. I am now getting involved. I either hit a meeting daily or get together with my sponsor. On the weekends I hit 2 daily. I was always able to do whatever it took to drink, therefore I do whatever it takes to recover from this fatal disease. I'm just in no position to argue the solution for my condition. If you immerse yourself in AA, I promise life will get better. You may not be granted $200,000 to help you recover, but you will be granted the promises, and a daily reprieve. I needed a home group. I needed to come early and stay late. I needed to do what my sponsor told me to do without question. Right now, it's paying off. I just finished praying my morning prayers and read my devotion. I've checked in on this board, and after I sign off here, I'll get ready for work. Some time during the day I'll call my sponsor and discuss with him truthfully how I am conducting myself in this 24 hours. ie, am I being a selfish ass or not. I'll hit a meeting tonight and if I don't do anything stupid after all of that, I'll thank God for another 24 hours before bedtime. It's just that simple for me right now. Hope this helps. BTW, I'm in debt up to my eyeballs and it really doesn't matter. I've never gone without food or shelter. Don't drink and go to a meeting.

tkdan

Chris don't let the pressures in life get to you. About a month ago I let the pressures in my life get to me and I used it as an excuse to drink. Do you think all of the things I was going through magically disappeared once I started drinking? All drinking did was add another problem for me to deal with. It is not worth it for the little escape from reality you get from it. Go to your dr say exactly how you feel dr's can help with the things you described "anxiety, feeling miserable". You've made it this far don't turn back now.

Grasshopper

Hi Chris,dont forget the promises.They are there in the Big Book.We will intuvitually know how to handel things that use to baffle the hell out of us.Goes something like that..Its true...Dont stop ---before--the mircal happens!!!!
You say that you are self-centered.What alcoholic isnt?maybe the rare one is not.The BB also talks about this too.Saying--i am---this or that..Thing is is that recovery is all about--changing.Everyone can change,and dont need to be stuck as one once was.Thats the beauty,,we can and do change!!!!
I cant ..He can.I will let Him.

paulmh

Hey Chris, I've got every sympathy with you just now! For about the last six months I keep thinking about the promises, particularly the bit that says "Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us." I keep thinking - when?! But I know this - if I let it get me down to the point where I drink - well, then it'll never happen!

Try not to take it so personally. Bad **** doesn't happen because the universe hates us! It just happens - like you say. Pain is unavoidable, suffering is optional!

BigSis

Chris.... what would you say to me if I told you I was considering going back out?

You fit well here... this place feels very much to me like an AA meeting. It is filled with others who are like me, who come from crazy backgrounds. Who struggle with hurts and feelings of inadequacy and cravings and each and every one in these cyber "rooms" wants a better life.

So... if I decided to go back out. What would you say to me?

cali

2 weeks before my 2 year--I threw it away. All the same "stuff" was still there, and I lost my almost two years. Astro said it Beautifully:
I realized that I know how to "throw it away" but I don't know how to "keep it" therefore that is my challange---to stay sober "no matter what" may come my way in l-i-f-e.
Hope you chose sobriety, life.

findingout

Hey Chris,

Gosh, I feel like I am watching a train wreck in slow motion in one of those dreams where I cannot move my feet because they are stuck together with glue.

Right now, you have some trouble in your life but you still have your sobriety. Come Friday morning ( what's with the Thursday deadline anyways? You giving the Universe an ultimatum here or what? ), you won't have that and then? Not worth it.

There is no day so bad that drinking won't make it worse. That's why those of us in N.A. are fond of saying "Every clean day is a successful day, no matter what else happens."

Don't do it. Don't pick up.

Astro

Lol. One of the old-timers in our group has a belt buckle that says TSDD.

Tough Sh _ _ Don't Drink.

Chris, I've been depressed and living in fear lately, but I know for damn sure I don't want to throw away 2+ years of sobriety and pick up a 24 hour chip. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't live long enough to do it. Drinking just isn't an option for me anymore.

CarolD

Wow! Every reply makes me proud to share this site
with you.

Absolutely Awesome ...Thank you friends!

thisisme

This is a great thread. I have never seen such concrete evidence that a slip is planned.
I can offer you no advice, except of course not to drink.
I am curious why you reach out here?
What are you looking for?

I can only speak of my experience with sobriety. I found quitting easy, I found learning to live life without alcohol very hard. I still pursue a quest for happiness in my life but I do know full well that drinking alcohol will reverse every single effort I have put forth so far.
I wish you well.

Peter

I am reminded of that story; you all know the one......about a man who decided he could no longer face the hardships in life...... so with the very last coins in his pocket he bought a piece of rope and a banana. He sat on a rock under a tree and ate the banana then climed up on the rock and tied the rope around his neck.....but just as he was about to jump off another man came along, picked up the banana skin and ate it.He though about what he had just seen then he climbed down from the rock and fell on his knees asking God to forgive him for his lack of faith.

No matter how bad things get I always have to remember that there are millions of others out there far worse off than I am and if I am not grateful for what i have God will remove these things from me. He will work through me and with me if I continue to have faith and face my challenges with courage.

SaTiT

Sorry about your bussiness.

I heard it said "don't pick up no matter what" ,
from very earily on in my recovery...
and in time it has a deeper meaning to me.

i also remember why i got sober and how I was able to stay sober.
I did it for me...not for the wife, kid ,money or the job.

and i also know, sometimes changes are a bitch.
i also know, sometimes things happens to me that don't like and
it would take a great event for me to change sometimes.
i also know..i can't have it both ways...i can't keep the old if i'm
to have a new..Letting go has a deeper meaning to me somtime.

i also know..recovery and the program works..if it was easy, everybody
would be doing it. i know through hard trimes I've learned how to trust.
becuase in these hard times the program carries me, because i can't
work it no matter how much i try...I also remember grace
I also remember that I didn't have to fight anymore
I also remember...I surrendered.

i lived an experince a fuller life in soberiety...the good times, the bad times.
I've gain everything and lost it all in recovery..and someday i would gain more
stuff on the oustside or loose it all again, someday..
Recovery is an insdie job....
I worked my 4th step and the lessons I learned from it was to accept me
all of me..not just the good or the bad....all of it.
life sometimes... it's the same...there's the good, the bad and the ugly.
I've learned to accept it in time...
I remember people telling me to " Hang on to my ass"..recovery is a trip.
when I'm happy I'm truely happy...when I'm sad, my ass falls off.
Living life sober is a trip and a half...it's better than any trip i've on getting drunk or high.
it's real...

Music

Well, sh*t does happen. Just because we get sober doesn't mean life stops being what it is. So, keep your schedule and see if drinking makes things any better. You need to find that out. I'll tell you one thing though. I've never sat in an AA meeting and had someone come back from drinking and say it was great and they're glad for the experience. So, you can do with that what you want. Sounds like you've got a good dose of the "poor me's." I hope you're able to come back some day and let us know how things worked out.

Latte

Play this one through, okay? What happens next? When you do that...you may change your mind.

I know the next time I drink I will lose my husband, my kids, my home and my life. When I play it through, it always ends bad.

ODAAT.

Astro

There are times when I wish I'd known how to play it through, instead I chose to take that next drink and I gave every one of those things away except my life. That might've been next if I hadn't chosen recovery.

SaTiT

My life truned upside down in my fifth year of soberietry.
I went though a long term relationship break up...
Nothing..no amount of money nor the great job I had made any difference.
I didn't understand...why in the hell things like that should happen
in soberiety. i did what I was told. I got my life back on track and
became a productive member of society, just living a cozie life
and raising a family...it wasn't too much to ask for.

I went to go talk to my sponsor..i cried my heart out becuase of all of my pains.
Well..the thing of it is...my sponsor's son had just died in an accident
a week before that. The man stay sober through all of that and still
reached out to me

Slowbriety

i might be missing something but why are you even telling us this? ****, if i was going to drink i wouldnt be posting it on here. i would be at the bar getting slammed. have fun getting wasted and thanks for showing me where i dont want to be.

parentrecovers

just hugs, chris. k

GrouchoTheCat

Just wait till the day after tomorrow.

CDr55

I really appreciate the replies.

Well today's the day, and I have yet to drink. I figure I am just going to take it one day at a time. I can't guarantee anything, but I'm hoping I can get through this alcohol free. I suppose I started this thread with the goal of being talked out of it.

It's upsetting. This is what happens when things go south in my life. I completely freak out, assume the worst, and get fearful and angry.

With this amount of sobriety, it's not as easy to just throw it away. When I really think about it, yes I want to drink, but I am afraid of getting drunk.