Aa_vark

Hey Tanuki

I recognize myself in your post. I've been there, in my own way.

You can use your memories of this experience as a sobriety tool, my friend.

Sometimes i need to be reminded of how terrible i felt, how hopeless i felt. It helps me to this day to remember what i'm actually bargining for when i think about using again. I'm so sorry for your pain. I do relate, i had to hurt badly before i surrendered and started to work recovery for myself.

There is hope for us, i found the begining of hope around AA, and in surrender.

When I relapsed, i had to pick myself up and surrender again.

Be well, and please keep coming back. We need you -

A

RedFox

That's the only way I'm staying sober. My memories of how horrible things were are slowly fading so sometimes I have to go back and read some things that I wrote when I felt like total sh*t. I don't know what to say except that things will get better. You can only go up from here right? If and when you choose to begin the fight look back on this post for a reminder of how ****** you felt and that will hopefully give you the motivation to keep going.

nanita

Tanuki - I feel for your pain. Like many others, I've been there, too. Several years ago, when I was in the deepest despair of my life (my father shot himself in the head, in front of my mother, as a result of making himself so sick from alcohol), I found a wonderful therapist that helped me put my life back together. Sometimes if you can find that right person to bounce things off of, that listens and understand and doesn't judge, it can provide hope and consistency in your life. That same woman still helps me today, although on a rare occasion. I now live four hours from her, but she remembers me even after 15 years. If I'm suffering in anyway or just questioning my judgment about something, I can call her and she gets me through it over the phone. There are some wonderful people out there that want to help - perhaps you can explore that option. I wish you all the best.

Dee74

thanks for sharing Tanuki4U....

you sound intelligent thoughtful, and you sound sincere in your wish to be free of this...OK, I'm only a newbie myself but I've learned this like I've never learnt anything else before...

the first step is to stop drinking...the second is to get help...have a look around, find a recovery programme you like, and that works for you, and *stick to it* no matter what....it's not easy, but neither's your life now, right ?

if we never give in, we can't lose the fight...but you've got to take the first step
D

GrouchoTheCat

Tanuki, suprizingly I do understand, deeply. I can feel your pain even though I don't know you from the proverbial Adam. I too feel the pain of other people. I am deeply sensitive and it can really hurt.

All I can do is give you hope that in sobriety, you can find peace. There are many others like us. I thought I was alone for a very long time. In AA I found others I can relate to on a deep level. (And none of them make fun of me).

If you reach out for help, you will find it.

Please know that I for one will hold you in my prayers.

Ted

Tazman53

Tanuki4u I was like you, I hated myself and I hated life, I wanted everything you want, I like you hated AA even though I had never been to a single meeting sober, I did go to one drunk on my arse about 3-4 years before I finally quit drinking.

Everything you want out of life I have found in AA & more, it did not happen over night and I did not do it on my own. I found rooms full of people that understood me, they understood how it felt to drink even when they did not want to drink, they wanted to stop. In AA they learned not only how to stop drinking and stay stopped, they learned how to become better happier people fee of all of the guilt and shame of their past.

The best thing of all, they were more then happen to tell me how they did it, they shared this all with me freely, they cared about me, they loved me until I learned to love myself again.

Oh trust me I had to reach the point where I was so bad I had to drink, it was no longer a choice, it was a requirement! I put myself into detox because I had no other choice in order to quit I had to do detox. In detox they told me that if I wanted a chance at long term sobreity my best chance was to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

Well I was beaten by alcohol so badly I was willing to go to AA even though I viewed it as an enemy of mine if it would keep me sober. I now love AA and have it to thank for my present sobriety and happiness.

It turned out that what was convincing me that AA was my enemy was my real enemy......... alcohol.

TryingisDying

I agree with Taz....you want to get sober....start going tto meetings.....it is a awesome place to start!

daisy_j

Tanuki-your post made me tear up this morning. Please first know that you are not alone-definitely not alone-I could have written what you wrote, I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you have to feel this way.

I tell myself that we have created our current reality by our past behavior. The only way we are going to get better is to learn to live differently and that means passing up the drink. It is hard, so hard, but please keep in mind that your emotions will rage out of control when you first try to quit but it goes away eventually, I think lots of people can attest to that. Right now it sounds like you might be suffering from alcohol induced depression, something I know too much about, and I do think the mood lifts if you abstain from drinking for an extended period of time. There is support out there and thousands of people who can relate to what you're feeling so remember, you're definitely not alone. Help is out there if we choose to seek it. Take care of yourself today.

GJ

CarolD

Alcoholic depression is why I started AA.

I had many many false starts untill
I read a book that convinced me to quit.

Here is a link to excerpts...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Blessings

GlassPrisoner

I don't thiink it will be. This place is great, don't get me wrong. But it is no way a primary recovery program.

The last place I wanted to go was AA. The last place I went as AA. guess what finally got me sober ?

BP44

Hopelessness was a great place to start. When I couldn't drink and couldn't not drink, that was the place where I could truly start. " Terror, frustration, bewilderment, and despair. Unhappy drinkers will understand this all too well." I'm not sure if the quote is completely accurate, but it is from A Vision For You. Like you, I didn't want to need AA. I just couldn't surrender myself to the fellowship until I was done. Until I was utterly hopeless and KNEW without a doubt that I would drink again without recovery, I could not walk back through the doors. Thank God I did. I didn't grow up to become an alcoholic, but maybe I became an alcoholic so that I could grow up in public. If you don't drink and go to a meeting, life will get better. 90 in 90 has been suggested, along with a sponsor. I had to surrender to the disease and to this program. When I got back this time I just wasn't in a position to argue anymore about anything. Especially the solution for my condition. I don't know if you're an alcoholic, but if you are, AA has a solution. I will say this, I didn't get here from eating too much chinese food. Hope this helps.

Spiritual Seeker

You can't, shouldn't and don't need to do this alone . Put your alcoholic/drug mind to rest and get into a program with support. The 1st step really should be "SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CAR" at 1st just get in a program and follow directions. ASK for help and take it!