serina

feeling surreal

I went to another meeting. It was a speaker meeting. I could relate to a lot of what she said but of course some I said well I didn't go that far. the feelings were there. I asked the lady I met yesterday to sponsor me and she wants me to go to a meeting every day and call once a day. She has a big book for me. I guess I am really getting in this.

Part of me feels like what are you doing? another part feels like this may finally be an answer or way to get well from my distorted thinking. then I think this is a small town and everyone will know me as AA girl. i saw one person tonight that i recognized from a store i shop regularly....and she knows ex-bf....so i thought she might say something. i guess that's my ego thing.

i feel so awkward going up to people and meeting strangers. i have been so depressed and i feel like this shell of a person right now that doesn't have much to say or offer. i'm not one of the people coming out of detox crying in the meeting but i'm certainly not one in there all happy either. i guess i'm somewhere in between but i'm trying to keep an open mind and not compare!

then the scary thought what if this doesn't work and i just don't get it? and i quit going and run into these people all over town thinking she just didn't get it. am i thinking way too much about myself?

then i see people with 20 years sober and they are going to meeting nearly every night. do I want that kind of life? I guess they must really enjoy it though.

I wish the answers were simple. I wish I had stayed in recovery from the beginning and gave it my best shot. then i would have been like the speaker with 4 years of recovery instead i had 4 years dry...minus those few "social drinks"...which my sponsor said was a relapse. so i guess i'm starting over?

the speaker seemed to know herself so well and be very connected to her "higher power". anyway here i go comparing and i'm not supposed to do that. i guess it takes what it takes. i could have 8 years of recovery if I had gotten this from the start. what would i be doing today. instead i am walking in as a newcomer.

i kindof feel "surreal" like I can't believe i'm going back to AA again. after all those years staying sober on my own and then having a couple of drinks....kindof like i'm just walking through the motions but don't know what to feel. like my counselor said "disconnected" from my heart. maybe i will find that connection here.

sitting back looking i'm thinking the magic of AA is that we are a bunch of self-centered, insecure, fearful, egotistical people, and AA gets us to name those characteristics and call each other on them. then gets us outside of our self by working with others and doing service work, telling our story etc...not get outside of ourself...instead of keeping all the fear, anxiety, crazy thinking to ourselves we share it with the group and it loses its power.

i think last time i didn't get it because i thought i don't want to spend all my time doing all that stuff....but that's how you recover i think by taking the bad and making yourself useful to others. am i on the right track with this thinking??? if i am that certainly can't be a bad thing can it?

if i'm helping someone else i'm not focused on me. why do i keep thinking of the taste of beer while thinking all this AA stuff? i haven't had one in 2 1/2 months then i got to AA and get a thought like wouldn't a beer taste good.

Since i've gone this far I might as well jump in there. I'm committing to stick with this until I work the steps completely with this sponsor and follow her suggestions. That's the only way I will know if this is for me. before i always changed sponsors and never worked the steps. i just feel kindof like someone that decided to take the chemo for cancer and its like this may cure me but it doesn't seem like a pleasant prospect at the moment....or a diabetic that has to take shots. its like yes i want to get better but i sure wish there was another way. that's why i've been avoiding it so long.

oh, and i was worried about smoking at the meeting b/c i quit 2 years ago and i've been craving them. i know theres always a lot of smoke at meetings. so i took candy and gum and water....so far i did fine. i always crave one when i'm nervous, depressed, stressed, but got through it. thanks to altoids.

GlassPrisoner

Well

I think you're right on the money ! The only way to keep it is to give it away. Every day you help another alcoholic, you get another day of sobriety. It might seem like a lot of time, but watching these people change, knowing you're helping, SAVING LIVES, there is no higher calling. That's why I'm here. That IS Gods will for me.

I think that's a great idea. Maybe the best one you ever had ?

It's a wondeful program. You'll be amazed before your halfway through. That's a promise.

chip

Hello Serina,
Congrats on your sober time!

I think your recovery started when you quit for the first time. You needed to try some things, and you've now found the path you want to take. We are all works in progress. I'll bet you've done some growing during the time you describe.

I used to worry about what other people think about my AA membership. I can relate to much of what you said. I remind myself that they've been through this stuff just like me. I remind myself that they could be worried about what I think. I remind myself that they probably arn't thinking about me at all. It's really not my business what others think anyway.

I live in a small town, and I manage a local bar. As you can probably guess, my anonmyty is VERY important to me. I'm starting to get over the fear of being "found out" or "exposed". I didn't care what people thought of me when I ran around drunk... why should I care what they think of me sober? Chances are they won't be thinking worse things about me.

I'm glad you are giving AA another chance. Working the steps is a good choice.

Wishing you the best,
chip

Pilgrim

Hi Serina,

It's good to hear you went to a meeting after all.

You sound better than you did last week.

Good for you!!!!

barb dwyer

Sobriety *is* surreal… ha!

Good for you !!!!

I’m not sure what you man by ‘say something’ … if not TO you at the meeting, maybe they’re giving you time to get ‘settled’ … I do that sometimes. If you’re worried about them ‘saying anything’ OUTSIDE the rooms … that’s a no – no.
Most AA’ers don’t do that. That’s why it’s so cool.
Our anonyminity, like our Spirituality is a precious possession …

Ultimately, hon… you are there for YOUR recovery.
There’s a woman in our group with over ten years sobriety who often says, ‘I’ve sat in these chairs in heaven … happy with the world … and I’ve sat in these rooms in hell … and all of it … was ‘my’ chioice. The important thing is … YOU .. have sat here with me. I was not alone.”

‘Normal’ thinking. I think we ALL feel that. And I also think we ALL think too much of ourselves - LOL

See, *I* see those people with ‘that kind of life’ … and I WANT that ... for me.
I’ve never been ... happy. Never known … joyous. Couldn’t ever, but am now beginning to imagine … “FREE”.
I want that. More than anything else.

There is only today.

Maybe not so much comparing, but something to be worked toward?
You can’t start in the middle with something as life or death as sobriety. Let yourself start at the beginning … do it for real. Build your foundation. You’re being gifted an opportunity many many people find too true to accept.
Accept it. It’s being offered.


I thoroughly enjoyed your post. Brought back a good many memories.

CarolD

By Jove! Serena's on her way!!

BP44

Serina, glad you're back. I too had a good amount of dry time. 7 years. I had quit going to AA. I was going to a professionals group once a week moderated by my addictionologist. But I wasn't going to meetings. I just never got involved or really connected. And quit going. I also didn't want to count my slips as relapses. I only wanted to count the big relapse. In fact when I came back to AA I claimed 11 years before relapse, when it really was 7. Like you, I got a sponsor and when doing my drinking history with him we stopped after our first session just before the first slip. And over the next week, it hit me that my alcoholic mind was minimizing the slips....the "controlled" drinking. I said to my self ....f**k this.....if I'm going to do this thing it must be complete and thorough and brutally honest. By the time we were through with my drinking history on the second session the final count was 7 years of dry time and a relapse that lasted 4 1/2 years. and here I thought the relapse was only a year long. The year was just when I decided to give in and drink daily. I had a little over 2 years again dry when I came back to AA. We decided to reset my sobriety date to around the time I came back 3/26/07, even though my last drink was 2/6/05. Crediting dry time is just too dangerous for me. I'm looking forward to picking up a 90 day chip this month. I don't have much to give away, but I would recommend jumping in with both feet. I needed it and I needed to be connected. I started getting real emotional after about the second week back. Almost like when I was in treatment. Kind of freaked me out. I thought wtf I haven't had a drink in quite some time where is this coming from? It's just the process. I call my sponsor daily, sometimes more. And I'm actually sharing with him what's going on with me each day. I'm working the first step with him, and he just started a weekly group with all of his sponsees at his house. We are going through the BB. Three of us are early in sobriety, and the other two have worked all the steps with him. The beauty is....I really think I'm right where I need to be...and am I eaver so grateful for that. If I do today what I did yesterday....I have a chance for another 24 hours. Don't drink and go to a meeting.

findingout

Hey Serina,

Congratulations on your new start! I could really relate to

because I let that kind of thinking keep me drinking for at least a few years longer than I should have. Actually, my version didn't even look 20 years into the future. It would be March and I would say "I really need to quite drinking but I'll never make it through next Christmas sober" and so I'd never try. The thing is, I had no idea what I would feel like with 9 months of sobriety when Christmas rolled around but I let my imagination of what the future might be like keep me from doing what I needed to do.

Today, I have four and half years sober and I still go to four meetings a week. Will I still go to four meetings a week 15 years from now? Or will I go to 2? Or will I go to 7? Or will I get hit by a bus crossing the street later this afternoon and make the whole debate moot?

Today, when I see people with 20 years sober there's one part I know I want, the 20 years sober part. But I also want to actually live and experience those years and there's only one way to do that.

One day at time, sober is better.

stone

I just want to say thanks for this thread serina, I posted something similar the other day, I just started going to AA and am finding it a bit surreal myself. I was also thinking, so this is it-meetings for the rest of my life? Lots of what you said struck a chord with me and somehow made my day a little easier and I want to thank you for that.

PurpleReign

Serina,
GOOD FOR YOU!!! Wow, 2.5 months sober, I don't think I've had that kind of sober time once in the last three years - that's great.

I can cetainly relate about AA spiking cravings initially - as I was soberly reading the BigBook I couldn't take all the alcohol talk so I bought a 12 pack and continued reading. What I came to find out was it wasn't AA that caused the cravings, it was my own decision that I wasn't "done yet."

Stone,
This one's for you dude.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDGhsVtspTQ&NR=1

serina

your replies have reassured me that i have made a good decisions. thank you all so much. i don't know that i would have EVER went back if i hadn't had the support HERE first. i plan to stay here too!

CarolD

I find on line recovery has been a positive supplement to
my F2F AA.

Been doing both for 15 years and it's super!

All of you help me so much!
Thanks!..