zJoe99

Man, this sucks. The only time I feel joy or sadness or emotion of any kind is when I'm wasted. I want to feel! I want to be human!

I can last for weeks or months without booze or drugs but I feel like I'm in an emotional desert. Life is dark and gray when I ain't usin'. I stuff it long as I can but I feel like I'm going nuts. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I can only do this when I'm stoned.

I also fuggin want to live and I know my booze and dope are killing me. God bless, Life is so freaking black without alchohol or coke. I think "********" when someone says it will pass. I feel like the sober "winners" are some kind of Fox Drug Reality show frauds. Or unreal poster boys. Nobody talks about this crap.

I know some of you will say I can get through this with time. Frankly, I don't believe it. I mean how freakin' long does it take!? I feel like some huge alien snail has sucked half my brain out. I might as well be a goat or a rabbit. I got nuthin'.

I hate being this way!

Toomutch

Wow Joe I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. I can only imagine what that must feel like.

Glad you are here you will receive a lot of support.

~Toomutch

CarolD

Wow! Hugs

Have you considered a seeing a Psychiatrist?
Have you been using a recovery program?

I am sorry to know of your pain.

zJoe99

Thank you sweeties. I'll warm myself in the fire of you love and compassion til God rescues me. I think I'm going crazy. I HATE HATE HATE the way I feel. I feel like a turnip or a head of lettuce. A cold, dead vegitable.

CarolD

You may not have seen this info
it's long but interesting I think

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-dilemna.html

Take care

suziq1954

It isnt easy this living sober lark ... ITs not that I like to feel a failure if I drink , but I do...
for myself its to get away from mans gross inhumanity to fellow man ... Im not a better person than anyone but if Im sober Im a nicer person, I wish you well huni xx

Peter

Have you completely accepted that you will no longer be able to drink, or are you still romancing the glory days of alcohol?

If you are then perhaps you still have a reservation about drinking that is preventing you from moving on.

I used to think alcohol gave me a heighted sense of emotional experiences too but it was just an illusion created by alcoholic euphoria and an elevated heartbeat.

What your friends have told you is correct. Once you can get past the doldrums that you now find yourself in a whole new attitude about life will present itself to you. No it is not a myth.

The secret for now is to find a way to "fill the hole in the donut" that alcohol has left. Become involved in activities that appeal to you. Cultivate a useful hobby.Do some volunteer work at the cancer ward of the local children's hospital. I guarantee that will help you to stop feeling like a head of cabbage.

Nothing will change until you move into action.

zJoe99

I don't trust doctors. Speciically psychiartists. I want my mind back. Don't want to be plunged into another reality by psychotropic drugs imported by the lowest bidder from China. I mean, ****, they killed my dog a couple of months ago. What the **** are they pushin'.

I love you CarolD. None of this critisism is directed to you. You are just trying to help and I love you for it. Just don't trust those other pricks.

Dee74

are you doing anything else in recovery besides not drinking Joe ?
D

came2believe

I remember feeling that way. Things DID get better. No I did not win a million bucks on a reality show. Life is still hard at times, but at times I glimpse the most unspeakable joy. This has only begun to happen as I have gradually shed the lies I told myself. The first of those was that "I'm not an alcoholic" Once I admitted I WAS, the train miraculuosly and yes, painfully at first, turned round on its track.... and began going the other direction.

citychick

give yourself a chance and you'll experience love, laughter, happiness and all the rest. They just won't be the frantic emotions your used to, they'll be of a softer, more gentle kind that really is much more enjoyable and real.

confound

zJoe - remember that being sober isn't the same thing as recovery. It's not all hokey-talky bs, either - you really do have to work for it and find other things in your life to fill up that hole that you have now. What are you doing besides staying sober?

Take care,

confound

BP44

Using black powder to build bombs seems a bit destructive. Risky behavior at least. I will say that some people seem to get some satisfaction out of target practice as a hobby. And hobbies are good for us. But I'm thinking pyrotechnics should be left to those who specialize in it.

zjoe, after I had my last drink I felt utterly hopeless for a long time. I couldn't drink, but I wanted to drink every day. And I sure as hell didn't want to come back to AA. So I resolved to dig in for a long seige and stay miserable. Self inflicted punishment for a self inflicted relapse. How sick is that? pretty sick. I did this for a long time and finally 2 months ago came back to AA. I was beat up, and I didn't want to drink again. I'm finally willing to take suggestions. Novel ideas that I've heard over and over, but didn't think applied to me. I got a sponsor and call him daily, and I'm honest with him. I'm doing step work with him. I'm getting involved with the home group....phone list, meet people, come early, stay late, make coffee, clean up, take out the trash....the things it takes to get immersed. I'm feeling better every day. Some days better than others, but on the days that I'm getting batsh*t crazy, I let my sponsor know about it. My sponsor recently suggested that I let go of the dry drunk time that I had since my last drink, and set a new sobriety date close to when I came back to AA. He wants me to pick up the chips. I did it without hesitation, and picked up a 60 day chip tonight for the first time in a long time. Guess what? It felt real good!!!! Dry Drunkeness is an extremely dangerous place for me, and one that I couldn't even sense. Keep working at it. And don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle happens. I watched a lady pick up a 33 year medallian tonight. One day at a time.

zJoe99

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Carol, that link was an interesting read. I believe all that is true.

I'm afraid that, in addtion to the psychological compulsion to use, I have messed up my brain chemistry from years of abuse. I remember reading somewhere how coke screws with your ability to feel pleasure. Something about serotonin levels getting out of whack from the artificial chemical stimulation of coke.

Maybe I should be on some kind of medication. I don't know. I know I don't trust docters and I'm scared of the effects of anti depressants. I've read a lot of nasty stuff on the web about people commiting suicide or having psychotic episodes while on them. Pretty scary stuff.

I know I'm jealous of the "joy" many other people in my AA meetings talk about. I feel like I'm missing out on something. It just seems like I emotionally flatline when I stop using. I know I should keep plugging away and give it time but sometimes I feel things will never get better. I seem to accumulate more and more negative thoughts and feelings as time goes by.

I try to remember to pray everyday and I read the big book and my Hazelden "day by day" book every morning. That seems to help sometimes but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I'm just swamped over by feelings of despair and a sense of hopelessness.

I'm not doing something right but I'm not sure what it is. Some of you have asked what I'm doing besides staying sober. I think you're suggesting I should be working the steps. This I'm trying to do but I'm having some difficulty here because I need to work with other people on this stuff. This has been a big failing of mine but I'm not sure how to fix it. I can't seem to connect or establish relationships with other people in AA. I had a sponsor but lost contact with my him after my last relapse. I could hear the disgust in his voice the last time we talked. He made me feel like I was wasting his time. Well, that was that.

My sponsor was the only AA contact I had who I really talked to. I watch other people in AA and the succsessful ones seem to be the more socialable gregarious types. I'm not like that at all. AA is a fellowship and you have to be able to connect to other people to get in the flow. I've tried to reach out to others but my efforts always make me feel humiliated. I guess I'm just a natural loner. When I try to break out of this mode it feels so awkward and contrived.

Well, sorry about the long ramble. Damn, I'm a motor mouth when posting here but when I'm around people in AA I freeze up like a clam.

zJoe99

LOL, thats exactly my technique for sobriety right now. The only skill I seem to have.

I'll pick up a chip at my next meeting. Thats a simple suggestion even I can follow.

GlassPrisoner

Wow zJoe, it's really got you're perception mixed up. What you feel when you're drunk or high is artificial, it's not happiness or joy or sadness, you're just f***d up on booze/drugs.

My thinking was all screwed up too. I really though I wouldn't get fired cuz they needed me so much at work, and everything was gonna be OK. (As I sucked down another 5th)

I truly believed my problems in life were my Boss, my wife, my finances, my [insert something here].

Step work is what you need. Get on that pink cloud for starters, then later on you get a taste of serenity. Once you experience that peace and calm, you'll never want to drink/use again.

BP44

Dude, believe me, I'm no social magnet. I am afraid of people as much as the next person. I was content to drink alone in the end. And lonliness has been a norm for me. I have to work at making the connections. My next goal is to start calling people in addition to my sponsor. I'm pretty good at talking to people before and after meetings. And recently started going out to Friday after the meeting dinners. Friday nights have traditionally been steak night at home with the wife. We moved that to another night in favor of connecting more with the fellowship. I'll never forget someone saying a long time ago, " Sobriety happens at the Waffle House" All I can say is take a chance on yourself. You may even have to share in a meeting that you are lonely and that you are struggling to connect.