slacker

I have a big family function and party coming up in a month, one of my relatives is getting married. Everybody will be there, many of which I haven't seen in a couple years.
I know that my *not drinking* will be a big surprise and a talking point for many in attendence. This is causing me some anxiety.
I haven't told any family members about my problem and my perceived need to quit.

I have some shame reguarding this, and my personal situation (work, home, relationship) isn't anything to brag about either. I have a feeling this will be a "coming out" party for me to show the whole family what kind of loser I have become.

I have a couple of cousins that are AA'ers, I remember how other family members talked about them, their problems, and usually from the point of view that it is a personal weakness and character flaw.

Music

I'm confused! You stated you hadn't told any family members about you problem. Why would your drinking be a talking point at someone else's wedding? Why would you even bring up the subject of your quitting, unless you've already put yourself in the center of attention. You don't need to tell anyone you're not drinking. You'd be surprised I bet, at how many people really don't care about what you do. Just go amd have a good time and don't mention alcohol unless you're asked. Get a glass of mineral water with a piece of lime, or a tonic and lime and mind your own business. For sure, you're screwing up today, worrying about something a month off. Relax for pete sake. I was shocked when I found out that very few people gave a crap whether I drank or not.

Tazman53

Slacker I am not asking these things to be mean, but to try and understand and maybe be of some assistance.


Why are you such a focal point of your family?

Do all the members of your family watch you to see if you are drinking? Why?


So any alcoholic who quits drinking is a loser?

Damn I must have lost my mind, I was about to lose everything due to me being a drunk and now that I am sober I am a loser? God I feel great being a loser and everyone in my family is proud of me and see's the huge change in me. Oh wait it must be my family who is insane, why in the world would they be happy I am no longer a damn drunk?

You know for some odd reason I have a feeling that when you heard all that you had a drink in your hand and every person saying stuff like that had a drink in thiers as well.

Could it be a bit of jealousy or simply trying to make them selfs feel better being drunk?

slacker

It'll be pretty obvious I'm not drinking at all when I have to turn down a bunch of drinks from family members headed over to the bar.

Knowing how they reacted when two relatives of similar age went AA, I am not looking forward to being the topic of those conversations.

slacker

I am not *the focal point* of the family, but when somebody acts way out of character, people notice and gossip.

They don't watch to see if I am drinking, they actively pursue exotic ales and fine whisky for my consumption. They don't treat me like an alcoholic, they treat me a like a connaseur of fine spirits.



Well, it probubly depends a lot on where you were in life before and where you are now. Last they saw me I had it all together a whole lot better than I do now. The "loser" label is from career problems and such, the not drinking will just a fuel for their speculation as to why and how I am in my current situation.

Everybody will have a drink in their hand except for three people, myself and the two AA'ers. Most of them don't drink regularly, but this is a special social setting and everybody will be celebrating and drinking socially. Not drinking at such events is an announcement that you are a recovering alcoholic.

I guess it is as simple as:
1.) I am a recoving alcoholic
2.) The other to recovering alcoholics in my (extended) family were subject to much ridicule and gossip because many people view it as a personal weakness and lack of character.
3.) I am not looking forward to being the subject of #2

Tazman53

Slacker did alcohol have anything to do with your career problems?

You know slacker I had a lot of the same fears you have right now when I first quit, I found out that by letting the cat out of the bag for the world to see it did a number of things:

1. I got support & respect from people I never dreamed I would.

2. It shut up the gossips!

There is no fun talking behind some ones back when the person you are talking about has already let evey one know.

Ask your self this:

Would I rather be known as a drunk alcoholic or as a recovering alcohlic?

Do you really think no one else in your family knew you had a problem?

For years I thought the only people that thought I had a drinking problem was my wife and kids. Well when I quit it turned out almost every single person I knew felt I had a drinking problem.

You know I used to think that also, every time I went over to the in-laws house for a party or the holidays, I thought that every adult there drank the whole time. Well once I sobered up I found that the only person who ever drank more then one or 2 drinks if at all was my brother in law who is much further progressed in his disease then I was when I quit. Hell I thought he was a drunk when I was drinking, the guy is killing his self right in front of the families eyes. They have all told me how thankfull they are I quit, his wife has asked me to see if I could help him..... I told her I would be there when he was ready, until then there is not a thing I can do for the man except pray and be there if he becomes ready to stop.

Music

Slacker, it's nobody's business why you're not drinking. You can go into the AA thing if you want, but all you really have to say is, "I've had enough", or "thanks I'm not drinking." Let those "losers" say what they will. Who the hell cares what they say or think? Don't make a big deal out of it. Go and enjoy, or don't go. It's up to you!

Peter

Not much to add to whats already been said.

"Not yet thank you" or "I've had enough" will usually get rid of the most persistent offers.

I have a feeling you will be suprized at just how preoccupied everybody else is with their own glass.

Free Roll

When your self-esteem and self-worth is high you'll see that what others think of you doesn't matter a whole lot.

CarolD

Be proud you are wwnning over alcohol!

Tips I have used....

Go late and leave early

Keep your own beverage in your hand
and smell before you drink if you set it down

Take a sober person with you or phone numbers
to call if you get antsy

Dance a lot

and Enjoy

Brett Ashley

Slacker, I think I know how you feel, because I am in a similar situation.

I have stayed sober for a while, due to two pregnancies and long periods of breastfeeding. Pregnancy and nursing babies are undisputable excuses not to drink, no-one can argue with that. But in social situations, people have sayd: "Oh, I bet you can't wait 'till your done nursing, so that you can have a drink!"

Well, I am almost done nursing the youngest baby now, and I frankly don't know what to say to people.

Some of our closest friends know that I have a drinking problem, and other people we know don't drink themselves, because they have super healthy lifestyles. So that's fine.

More recent friends, though, don't know about my problems, and I am not so sure that I want to tell them the real reason that I don't drink. I may well just tell them that I don't really drink anymore as a part of a more healthy lifestyle (I have seen the light! . And leave it at that. But you know some people will just start pestering you and arguing with you after a few drinks ("But a glass of wine is good for you, bla. bla.").

Telling my in-laws and that part of the family is a definite no-no. They'll just hold it against me, and I am bad enough as it is However, they don't drink much, and will accept that I don't drink without asking questions.

And there is my family. With binge-drinkers and alchoholics who have a hard time admitting that they are alchoholics. They are the toughest group, although I don't see them much, as they live far away. But they certainly will not take no for an answer, even if I fess up and tell them straight out that I have a drinking problem. Because for them, even spending the night in your own vomit on the bathroom floor, passed out because I could not stop after that one glass they talked me into having, does not mean that I have a drinking problem. To them I may just say that I am on some medication that requires me not to have any alchohol, as it reduces the effect of the medicine (I actually tried this once, when it was true, and it worked).

Also, hold something in your hand that resembles a mixed drink, then some people may not even notice that you are not drinking.

Good luck to you, and one last thing: It's too bad that people see your AA cousins as weak and flawed, because it takes a heck of a lot of strength to get and stay sober, and then telling everyone about the difficulties you have been through. All power to them and to you! Hope you enjoy the wedding without too many worries

Toomutch

Slacker,

Just hang out with the other 2 AAers, and you can all watch those who are making a**'s of themselves and be glad it is not you

~~~~~~~~

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

slacker

No. The industry I was in slowed down and my company quit manufacturing then laid everybody off. I had a hard time finding employment and took a crappy job out of necessity.

Overall, I am just not where I want to be in life right now. I am not looking forward to explaining any aspects of my situation to anybody, and the not drinking WILL be a cause of speculation and conversation amongst family I haven't seen in a couple years.

Tazman53

Darn shame to have a family that is that shallow and non-caring, I have learned in my recovery not to put anything or anyone in front of my sobriety. Like I said before though, I found that by being open and honest with everyone I have received nothing but support and understanding, even from those I thought would talk crap.

If some one looked down upon me because I quit drinking I would simply take a look at the reason they would do that. Usually they have a problem them selfs and know that now that you are sober you will be able to see they have a problem also that your drinking in the past kept you from seeing.

When I was drinking I knew my Brother in law drank more then I did, I come to find out after I quit that he was upset I had quit because he had been accusing me of drinking up all of his beer and now his real consumption of beer will not be able to be hidden by pointing a finger at me. I knew he drank a lot when I was drinking, but until I sobered up I never really was able to see how much of a full blown alcoholic he is.

slacker

It's not that the family is shallow is uncaring, the problem is that I have an odd combination of shame and pride and I am embarrassed about where I am in life right now.

Peter

I went to a family party once and a drunken member kept yelling in my ear "Drink a rum , man. Drink a rum"

It started to get really annoying until he eventually passed out on the porch. I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening with people who did not really care what I was drinking.

karrotop

hi slacker.....i,too,have an out of state wedding to attend this weekend,and the,"festivities" will last for four days for me......My family also never knew i had a drinking problem,because i always drank alone,every night....and worked very hard to keep it MY dirty secret.....I have been sober now for more than two months,and noone knows THAT either....the family members that i am travelling/staying with for four days are big drinkers....but i am going to try my best to stay sober....i have been advised to tell my brother ahead of time,before we leave,that i am sober now...that way noone's surprised when i refuse a drink.....i haven't done that yet...i don't want to make a big production of it,or make anyone feel they have to,"babysit" me while we're there....but i know there will be pressure put on me to drink,"just one......it's a celebration......"
I am going to try my hardest not to make it an issue,and just be happy drinking my club soda with lime....while i watch everyone else get sloshed......i wish you luck with your upcoming wedding.....and will let you know how i managed with mine.....wish me luck....KT

Pilgrim

I totally understand and it's not fair. Not everyone who wants to stop was at the stage where everyone around them was desperate for them to stop.

There is a stigma and it sux.

My Mother is terrified I will meet someone she knows in the rooms.

My sponsor tells me not to worry too much in advance. We can't pick our families. Some people in your family will give you encouragement and support and will tell the others to shut up. Stick with them if you know who they are.

Today - no need to worry. You only have one job - same as me - go to bed sober.

Music

Therein lies the problem. EGO!!! You've got yourself convinced that people actually spend their time thinking about you and giving a sh*t whether you drink or not. You don't have to explain any aspects of anything unless you have this burning desire to do so. Let it go.

barb dwyer

Music - beautiful.

Slacker (and Karrotop)
Am I the only one who sees any irony in that:

when we were drinking, we thought no one noticed us ...
*and then*
when we stopped drinking we think everyone is looking?

what up with that, anyhow?

Slacker -
bring a really thoughtrful and touching gift and no one will notice what's in your hand. Have a good time.