BP44

What makes you think someone else's wedding day is about you? See, that's one of my biggest problems, I always want to be noticed, the center of attention, the big shot....as long as it's positive. When it becomes negative, I don't want anything to do with it. The reality is that every relationship with family members and friends was effected by my alcoholism. A thorough first step looking extensively at unmanageability has revealed this to me. Sometimes all we need to do is suit up and show up sober. Plan some meetings and keep some phone numbers handy. And try to make it someone else's day, not your day. This isn't your "coming out day", it's somebody's wedding. Consider this....the potential for ruining somebody's wedding by being selfish, self seeking and self centered is available. Perhaps there is a better way.

Pilgrim

I don't think that is what Slacker means but I am too early in my recovery to be sure.

Slacker - I have a lot of these feelings and resentments about my family. Many are alcoholics who use "worrying about Steph" as an excuse to get all dramatic and drink. Now that I stopped, it's still being used. You know the thing - I drink because I have such a difficult daughter. Who wouldn't with a daughter like her?... blah blah

We do have to let it go though because it is a danger to us and might lead us to drink.

I read that wishing people you resent health prosperity and happiness took away all my resentments to them. Then being with them is not so hard. I do it everyday when I pray. Didn't mean it at first. We wish them well in our hearts and we don't have to feel the resentment any more. Not sure why it works but it does.

Or maybe just don't go. I wouldn't.

GlassPrisoner

Sorry to laugh (yes, I'm LoL) but that's CLASSIC alcoholic thinking. Yup, they're all going to the wedding to poke and make fun of you. They're probably talking behind you're back right now.

And, I'm not making fun of you. I was JUST LIKE THAT. I know how you feel.

Dude, you're in the right place. We feel less than, than we go overboard and overcompensate and try to be Superior.

Then, things don't go our way and we drink.

It took me 6 months of sobriety to figure that one out. Not only are people not doing stuff to me on purpose, most of the time I don't even enter their mind.

I know it's hard, but just put your sobriety first and foremost. If you have to miss the wedding, miss it.

slacker

I really wish you luck with the family get together.
Your sobriety is up to you, don't let anybody take that away from you.

slacker

I don't know why so many of you are under the impression that I think that I will be the center of attention. What did I say that gives the impression of egomania?

It will be a three day family reunion with a wedding occupying maybe 5 hours of that time. Everybody lives there, they all see each other frequently and know what's going on in each others' lives. I live over 2000 miles away and have been unseen and unheard from for almost three years, there will be the expected,
"Slacker is here, I have to go meet his girlfriend and see how he's been doing."

It's obvious I am not myself right now. You can see it in my eyes, you can hear it in my voice, and if you ask me about my job or anything else that people like to talk about, then you will get even more data points of what's wrong in my life.

There is really nothing about my life I want to share with anybody right now.

not my usual fun loving attitude + crappy job + not looking so good + won't even have a drink socially = speculative gossip

fraankie

"...........I know that my *not drinking* will be a big surprise and a talking point for many in attendence. This is causing me some anxiety................"


man,
don't play this
just go
have a nice time
think of it how you can, being sober, be there for the good of the family
think positive
then
recollect on past experiences, family gatherings
did you really notice who was drinking and who wasn't?
who had green shoes and who didn't?
who said hello and who didn't?
the point being everyone is there, more or less, for the honored couple, etc
no one will notice if you have a glass od scotch or ginger ale in your hand
during the toast, everyone will be looking at the happy couple,etc, not you
so
do your best
if you don't make an issue of your drinking, no one else will

if anyone asks,
the doctor gave you some flu meds,and said no alcohol, no sugar, etc
have a great time
and
wish the couple the best in life




best
fraankie

Dee74

for what it's worth, you already said your work probs weren't your fault.... relationships end everyday for all kinds of people and all kinds of reasons, and as for non-drinking...you, I, and everyone else here, knows that alcoholism is not a 'weakness' and that your sobriety is the most important thing in the world and a thing to hold your head up for.

Don't let other people's opinions become more important than your own.

But, in the end, if this is gonna be an added hassle for self esteem, or even worse a trigger for relapse (apologies, but I don't know you, and don't know how long you've been sober)...then just don't go.

D

barb dwyer

I'm really curious to hear how this weekend went for you!

AndrewBeen

slacker,

you are not egomaniacal at all. you are experiencing something we all do, and have discussed here before: this pheonomenon where we believe that our drinking is a focus of the people around us, when in fact it is not. we have regular threads on this topic. the only one fixated on our drinking is ourselves. others dont really give a hoot. and in the rare cases where they say "c'mon have a drink" they usually let it go at that. the only ones who get on our case and put pressure on us to drink are other drunks. besides noone demands we have a drink if we have a ginger ale in hand.

so how did it go?

slacker

My expectations are based on how the family talked at the last one opf these when my cousing became an AA'er.

This event isn't for a month, it was the other poster karrottop that had a wedding a week away.

barb dwyer

dang!

that's like taking the night off to watch something on tv ...
to find out it's not on until NEXT month ...

TINLIZZY

Salcker -

Memorial Day weekend I wanted to have a barbecue at my house. I told my husband & kids, and friends were invited; I also wanted to invite my sister.

My sister is a drinker. The last three times she has been to my house, she has passed out, before dinner, on the couch where she spent the night. Her boyfriend left with her kids. Not pleasant!! Not something I would repeat today as I wanted to have a sober bbq! She is one of the people, court ordered, who sits in the back of an AA meeting and makes fun, loudly, of the person sharing. I was really apprehensive about sharing my sobriety and fulfillment in AA with her!

I was shocked at her encouragement and good wishes. She indicated that a sober bbq would not be a problem, and it wasn't. A good time was had by all.

You never know what you'll get 'till you get there!

Plan the action, not the outcome.

TinLizzy

Jules62

Slacker-I understand your fear-especially given you've witnessed two other family members being ridiculed for not drinking.It's a hard lesson to learn(and one I'm new to) but-what other people think really is none of my business.If they don't like the fact you're not drinking well I'm sorry-but screw them.It's anything but supportive.

I think you're probably feeling more vunerable about it because of your job situation and heck-of course you 'don't feel like yourself' right now.I am still trying to find out who I am as a sober person having been drunk for years and yes-I feel shame about some of my past-but I'm also learning to let it go-albeit slowly.

You are not 'a loser' you are someone who has had the courage to accept that you can't drink anymore. I ternd to believe that anyone who labels a recovering alcoholic a loser-probably has a drinking problem themselves-but that's just me.

I find it almost unbearable to be around people drinking right now and was sorely tested a few days ago-but managed not to.However-since that incident I have decided I will not-for now-mix with people who drink or allow alcohol in my house-until I'm stronger.If you feel it's going to be too hard for you then perhaps it would be wiser not to go?Just a thought.

I wish you well,

Rose.

parentrecovers

we've got two big family weddings this summer. so my daughter is also making her plan to stay sober. sending encouragement. these are the things that really make me believe in "one day at a time"..

hugs, k

karrotop

Hey,slacker! Just got back from my four day,out of state wedding/reunion.....I did it sober....the whole time!Yes, I got some negative comments,some very pushy people trying to,"entise" me to,"just have one"......"just do a shot with us"....and my daughter got alot of people asking her what happened to her mom...why is she not drinking?My daughter stood up for me the whole time.....told people I was happier not drinking now,and to LEAVE ME ALONE!....I was tempted several times to walk over to the bar and,"just have one"...but i stuck with the seltzer and diet coke...And,as the evenings grew on,and everyone got drunker and more stupid,loud and obnoxious,I felt thankful that I was ok.....And,in the mornings,when they were all a wreck,nursing their hangovers,I was outside on the balcony,feeling good about myself..I finally gained back the respect of my daughter....and my own self respect...and it feels really good....better than any drink could make me feel.
I certainly understand how you feel about other people.....I didn't want to explain...but noone asked......me...and if they had,i would've told them just what my daughter told them...things are better without drinking,for me..It's not like you feel you are going to be the center of attention because you aren't drinking...but people just love to gossip,and sometimes they are mean.And,i can honestly say that i am 100% sure i was the only,"teatotaller" there..you just have to go to this family event,and be strong enough in your decision not to drink.....and they will be talking about you,and they will make comments,especially when they are feeling no pain....just be strong and know you are doing what is best for YOU....I felt really good the next morning after the wedding....while they were all passed out/nursing their hangovers....I was in the pool,and I'm not sure,but I think I was smiling...If i can do it,you certainly can,so don't sweat it too much,like I did......when is this wedding,anyway?
Feeling good about myself is a new feeling for me....but I could certainly get used to it...KT

chip

Hey Slacker,
I can identify with how you are feeling. It's tough to quit drinking, and it's situations like these that make it really tough.

Family can be very cruel.

I'd consider skipping the whole thing. I'd even lie to get out of it. That's me.

I know what it's like to feel like everyone is going to wonder and talk. I know what it's like to be the only person drinking pop at an open bar party. It isn't always fun. Others have given some good suggestions. You will need to figure out ways to deal with your feelings. An escape route is a very good idea. Sneaking away when the heavy partying starts is another good idea. Nobody is going to leave the party to drag you back to it... I've found that "sudden stomach illness" or a "terrible migrane" gets me out of stuff like this.

It's probably true that most of this crap happens in our own minds, and most people don't care what we are drinking (pop, coffee etc...) It sure feels rough though.

The medication excuse is a great way to explain why you arn't drinking if someone asks. "not yet", "I'm driving" "I've had enough already", "not right now", "it doesn't agree with me lately" etc... are great quick answers. I always drink tonic with lime in a highball glass. Most people don't think anything of this. Mineral water in a wine glass is good for the toasting part. I always sniff my drink before I drink it, especially if I put it down.

You will end up going, or not going. It will pass. I hope you won't let it ruin your month while you wait for this event. You've got a month to come up with a plan.

Do you have any sober friends to talk to about this? Have you ever been to AA?

Finding a local AA group in the town where the wedding is wouldn't be a bad idea. Even if AA isn't your thing, a support group will be very helpful to get through this thing. It will also give you a reason to "escape" from your family, and come back renewed in your resolve not to drink.

I wish you the best,
chip

chip

Congrats on getting through your family event, Karrotop!!!
chip

slacker

I just got home from the trip. I stayed sober.

The wedding itself wasn't a big deal, the rest of the family reunion weekend was a hassle with booze being pushed on me continually. Every meal was eaten at restaurants, wine was ever present. Activities like going boating were ripe with beer and wine, and I got some funny looks when offered a beer and I requested a water instead.

I didn't feel like explaining myself or my reasons for sobriety to family, I just didn't drink.

The only ones that figured it out were the two AA'ers (4yrs +) that noticed there were always three people (myself being the third) drinking iced tea compared to everybody else drinking wine or beer.

I did get a lot of condescending talks from drunken family about what they think I should be doing with my life and career, that was far from pleasant and much of what I had anxiety about.

GlassPrisoner

Pardon my French, but f**k 'em. Keep your side of the street clean. You're actions and recovery will soon speak loud enough.

BTW, Great job on staying sober ! It must of been hella uncomfortable and ackward at times. Good Jib.

Tazman53

Congrats on staying sober, I know it was tempting, but you did what was right for you.

You owe no one an explanation, it is your life you are saving, not theirs.
Amazing how sober people can figure it out. Some how I have a feeling they remember every thing that went on and woke up with a clear head and no guilty feelings either.
Nothing more intelligent then the conversation of a drunk, especially when a drunk is explaining to you how to lead your life.

You did well, hold your head high, remember this victory when ever you feel the urge, it gets easier with time and the further you are along in the steps.