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Question regard 'amends'

Old 05-22-2007, 09:35 AM
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Question regard 'amends'

Hi All:

I'm not entirely sure I understand the intent of the 'amends' step (#?). Anyway, I got this call last night from a guy that I used to date at least 18 months ago. We only went out for a few months. He called to make his amends. Said something like when we were dating, he made extremely bad decisions based on his drinking and that he was sorry for some of those decisions.

I'm going to be honest with you all here. His drinking was never really an issue with me because I never had much vested in him if you know what I mean. We dated, but nothing serious. I've dated a lot of guys in my time and I know a player when I see one. Alcohol or not the guy was a jerk! So... just because now he is in a recovering program, which by all means is a very positive thing, doesn't mean that you can blame every stupid boneheaded move you ever made on alcohol, right??

I graciously accepted his apology and wished him well. I assumed that in his mind, he truly believes that he was jerk because of the alcohol. If he only knew ......

I'm just curious what amends is intented to accomplish in one's recovery. Jo
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Old 05-22-2007, 09:49 AM
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the question is if he was apologizing... or apologizing with qualification...

or he was apologizing with justification...

Basically I know I did stuff that I wouldn't do if I wasn't drinking... but when I appologize to folks "I" will be the one apologizing... the drink wont be with me... and I can't go apologizing for the drink... because he isn't my friend anymore...

really amends is part of the letting go process... accept... set right... move on...

Some things you can make up for... like... I stole $20 bucks from this guy or that guy... well say you are sorry and give them money to make up for what you took...

other things all you can do is say sorry... it is the best you can do...

You don't stop drinking and whamo all your character defects are gone... it takes time...

Amends is the opposite of ignoring ones defects... it is actively discarding past filth... cleaning house...
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Old 05-22-2007, 09:49 AM
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Care4uNJ if he is in AA and is doing step 9 then he needs to be talking to his sponsor a bit more on making his amends, in making my amends I have apologized for my drinking, but I did not blame my wrongs on my drinking. In making amends one is to make them for all wrongs whether associated with drinking or not, and blaming it all drinking is shirking personal responsibilities. Hey look I am not going to knock the guy, he may be doing this with out a sponsor, or have gotten some poor guidance.
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Old 05-22-2007, 10:52 AM
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[QUOTE=care4uNJ;1341867]... just because now he is in a recovering program, doesn't mean that you can blame every stupid boneheaded move you ever made on alcohol, right??/QUOTE]

Recovery is not about blaming even ONE wrongful decision about alcohol, in fact it is the complete opposite.

AMENDS is about taking responsibility and owning up to our actions and about moving on.

The guy may be doing the best he can with making his amends.
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Old 05-22-2007, 11:14 AM
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I am pleased you were gracious...
it did you no harm and it's difficult to do amends.

Being kind is a good quality..
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Old 05-22-2007, 12:27 PM
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[QUOTE=Peter;1341979AMENDS is about taking responsibility and owning up to our actions and about moving on.[/QUOTE]

Perhaps he isn't such a jerk afterall. Now that I think about, just by making the call was huge in itself.

Thanks, I think I'm starting to understand the jist of it now. Jo
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:30 PM
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The big Book, which is our basic text, says that we have to make amends if we are going to truly over come alcohol. In doing amends, least with me, its not about saying sorry for what i did, its trying to make right what was wrong. i said i was sorry over and over again and still doing those "boneheaded" things. When making amends i tell the person what im doing why im doing it and if i can do anything to set right what i did in the past. The whole thing about making amends isnt for the other person, its for us. Not everything i did while in active addiction was due to my alcohol intake, but, when in active addiction, my mind was so jacked up because of the alcohol it all went back to it. I, just like many other people, suffer from a deisease that centers in our mind. Until i can fully let go and find a higher power to change me then i will continue to act out in those self distructive ways. it might not seem like a big deal to you but, doing the things that most of us have done, going back to those people and making the amends, well, it just takes balls. Recovery, for me, is all about owning up to my stuff and not running away like i use to.
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:37 PM
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amends
moving on
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Old 05-22-2007, 07:54 PM
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Amends, much like being repentant, include stopping doing whatever it is you were doing (or not doing as the case may be).

Also, there's living amends, where you demonstrate by the way you live and act that you have changed.
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