My husband wants me to fail....
"For the moment, life is good"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Cheyenne, Wy.
Posts: 36
My husband wants me to fail....
I have 19 days sober today and know I am going to make it to 20. After the yeah, yeah match with my hubby last night, the 2nd in a week, I have come to the conclusion that he wants me to fail. He still treats me as if I was still drinking everyday of the week. I understand he is still upset over the fact that he married an alcoholic. What I don't understand is why he thinks he has to be negative to me about the situation continuously. Why he thinks I feek no shame or guilt over the fact that I am an alcoholic. Or over the fact that I have damaged all of my family relationships. I asked him last night if it was possible to change ANYTHING about the past and he said no. I then asked him why he is making me feel like that is exactly what I need to do in order to set things right and he had no answer. I have failed in the past and I know he sees me failing again. He is not a very positive person to begin with and then to have to share his life with an alcoholic has probably got his undies tightly bunched. His father is 8 years into his alcohol recovery and I feel my husband never dealt with the fact that his father was an alcoholic. His mother also denies that her husband was an alcoholic, as she says, he just liked to tie one on, everyday, for over 20 years.
Sadly I am not working right now and have no money saved to leave him. I have been out of the hospital for 9 days now and I'm still trying to get used to living a somewhat normal life. You know doing the things in my home that need to be done, and doing them sober. Trying to take care of myself as well. Inside and out. I think he thought I had time to recover from my near death experience while I was in the hospital and that I should have found some kind of employment the day I got out of the hospital.
I will make it through this day. I will be sober today. I will shower and put on my face, do something I enjoy and get through this day.....
Thank you for letting me vent. This site has been a blessing to me.....
Laceyhearts
Sadly I am not working right now and have no money saved to leave him. I have been out of the hospital for 9 days now and I'm still trying to get used to living a somewhat normal life. You know doing the things in my home that need to be done, and doing them sober. Trying to take care of myself as well. Inside and out. I think he thought I had time to recover from my near death experience while I was in the hospital and that I should have found some kind of employment the day I got out of the hospital.
I will make it through this day. I will be sober today. I will shower and put on my face, do something I enjoy and get through this day.....
Thank you for letting me vent. This site has been a blessing to me.....
Laceyhearts
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey lacey,
congrats on 19 days!
my daughter is an alcoholic/addict. when she is actively drinking and using, she is preoccupied/fixated on her drug of choice. at the same time, i can and often become preoccupied/fixated on her. it's how it works - it's a family illness. my addiction to her mirrors her addiction to drugs/drink. the more time i spend at alanon meetings and in support situations (here and with a private/family counselor) the healthier i get. and the stronger and more accountable and self confident she gets.
if your husband is willing, can you try some couple's therapy? has he entertained the idea of alanon. i understand you can't force him. but it sure helps me cope.
have a peaceful day 20. and remember - you can't control other people's actions and reactions. only your own.
forgiveness. resentment and anger will not help.
blessings, k
congrats on 19 days!
my daughter is an alcoholic/addict. when she is actively drinking and using, she is preoccupied/fixated on her drug of choice. at the same time, i can and often become preoccupied/fixated on her. it's how it works - it's a family illness. my addiction to her mirrors her addiction to drugs/drink. the more time i spend at alanon meetings and in support situations (here and with a private/family counselor) the healthier i get. and the stronger and more accountable and self confident she gets.
if your husband is willing, can you try some couple's therapy? has he entertained the idea of alanon. i understand you can't force him. but it sure helps me cope.
have a peaceful day 20. and remember - you can't control other people's actions and reactions. only your own.
forgiveness. resentment and anger will not help.
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Walden CO
Posts: 151
Lacey - congrats on your 19 days. I know you will make it through day 20, 21, 22,etc. Just hang in there and don't let your husband, or anyone, be your downfall. I am less than two hours from you -- do you ever get to Laramie???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
(((lacey)))
honey nineteen days is great... its not easy, and you should be very proud of yourself. one day at a time. you can't go back to the past, all you can do is try and get better for today. this moment. its all we have. its a hard thing to learn. but don't beat yourself up over the past, and don't let your husband do that, either. is your husband in alanon? he needs to take some responsibility for what is wrong in the relationship, too. he is responsible for making himself well, healing from the past... and working for the brief moments in his own life to be the best that they can be. if he has not gone to alanon, he should give it a try.
((((())))) i know you can make it to day 20!!!
gg
honey nineteen days is great... its not easy, and you should be very proud of yourself. one day at a time. you can't go back to the past, all you can do is try and get better for today. this moment. its all we have. its a hard thing to learn. but don't beat yourself up over the past, and don't let your husband do that, either. is your husband in alanon? he needs to take some responsibility for what is wrong in the relationship, too. he is responsible for making himself well, healing from the past... and working for the brief moments in his own life to be the best that they can be. if he has not gone to alanon, he should give it a try.
((((())))) i know you can make it to day 20!!!
gg
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi Laceyhearts,
I do believe that people who are not addicts do not understand the grip the disease has on us, nor do they understand how hard it is to stop and stay stopped. That's just the way it is.
It is still early on in your sobriety and you sound like I did - impatient. I wanted everybody to be onboard with me, once I had stopped drinking. But, it didn't work that way. It took time and I had to slowly earn back the trust.
If it is true, that your husband wants you to fail, then eventually you will need to make a decision about what to do in your life.
I do believe that people who are not addicts do not understand the grip the disease has on us, nor do they understand how hard it is to stop and stay stopped. That's just the way it is.
It is still early on in your sobriety and you sound like I did - impatient. I wanted everybody to be onboard with me, once I had stopped drinking. But, it didn't work that way. It took time and I had to slowly earn back the trust.
If it is true, that your husband wants you to fail, then eventually you will need to make a decision about what to do in your life.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
she says, he just liked to tie one on, everyday, for over 20 years.
Hon in regards to your husband, he does need to go to alanon to work on his own recovery.
In the mean time when he starts giving you some crap just calmly look him in the eye and tell him "My sobriety and recovery is and will stay my #1 priority in my life, you should start working on your own recovery or think about moving on in your life."
If he wants to gripe or argue just walk away or if he time is right go to a meeting!
"For the moment, life is good"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Cheyenne, Wy.
Posts: 36
Thanks everyone for your kind words. NANITA, I have been to Laramie once in 5 years. I keep thinking one day I will look online and see what attractions there might be there and make a day of it. I am a Colorado Native. I miss it there. Only moved here because hubby is stationed at F.E. Warren.
And as for hubby going to counseling or even alanon, not going to happen. This is my problem alone, or so he says. I am the reason the marriage is so bad,or so he says. I am ok now, after posting this morning. He called me a bit ago and I just told him, if he has to say negative things to me, then he needs say nothing to me at all. I think he was a bit shocked. Being sober I can say things clearly and directly to the point. And as for being impatient, I am VERY impatient. Always have been, but I am working on that as well.
Hope everyone has a beautiful day.......................
Laceyhearts.....
And as for hubby going to counseling or even alanon, not going to happen. This is my problem alone, or so he says. I am the reason the marriage is so bad,or so he says. I am ok now, after posting this morning. He called me a bit ago and I just told him, if he has to say negative things to me, then he needs say nothing to me at all. I think he was a bit shocked. Being sober I can say things clearly and directly to the point. And as for being impatient, I am VERY impatient. Always have been, but I am working on that as well.
Hope everyone has a beautiful day.......................
Laceyhearts.....
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Hi Lacey,
I know that for me I need the support of my friends in AA and the ear of my sponsor.
I do hope you are going to meetings. You will find support there like you do here, only in person.
Just a suggestion,
Ted
I know that for me I need the support of my friends in AA and the ear of my sponsor.
I do hope you are going to meetings. You will find support there like you do here, only in person.
Just a suggestion,
Ted
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Lacey,
Congrats on your 19 days!
What Taz said!!! You, like most of us here, have a serious condition, in the overall scheme of life, you need to take a little bit of time out to concentrate on getting well.
I'm not of the "ME" generation, but conversely, there are times in everyones life when they have to put themselves FIRST. I cant think of a better time for YOU!
All the best, keep posting!
Steve
Congrats on your 19 days!
What Taz said!!! You, like most of us here, have a serious condition, in the overall scheme of life, you need to take a little bit of time out to concentrate on getting well.
I'm not of the "ME" generation, but conversely, there are times in everyones life when they have to put themselves FIRST. I cant think of a better time for YOU!
All the best, keep posting!
Steve
doing nothing
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: socal
Posts: 73
I started a similar thread recently, I think my girlfriend is trying to set me up for failure.
All I can say now is, don't believe that your current state of mind is permanent. We are going through big mental changes when we first quit drinking, remember that. How I felt in week one compared to week two, compared to week three has been quite different.
I was very close to ending the relationship with my GF, quitting my job, and even moving somewhere else. I still entertain those ideas, but with less conviction and urgency.
I just don't want to make any big life-changing decisions right now that I may regret, I have instead poured that mental energy into maintaining sobriety.
That's how I am feeling now, give me a week and I migh change my mind.
All I can say now is, don't believe that your current state of mind is permanent. We are going through big mental changes when we first quit drinking, remember that. How I felt in week one compared to week two, compared to week three has been quite different.
I was very close to ending the relationship with my GF, quitting my job, and even moving somewhere else. I still entertain those ideas, but with less conviction and urgency.
I just don't want to make any big life-changing decisions right now that I may regret, I have instead poured that mental energy into maintaining sobriety.
That's how I am feeling now, give me a week and I migh change my mind.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Every 24 hours sober is a miracle. If you were sober yesterday, you can tell the newcomer how you did it. All you have to do right now is don't drink and go to meeting. Some people come with us on this journey, and sadly some stay sick. By the way, you mentioned failure " I failed once before ". For some of us relapse has been necessary to get into real recovery. I never consider it a failure....just self destructive research.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
for me its been 5 years of constantly disappointing everyone around me. I have lost many many friends because of my addiction.
This time (now 17 days sober! your beating me ! LOL) I am so dam determined to PROVE to them all that I can and will do it! Most of all I am going to PROVE to myself that no matter what life throws at me, I can deal with it SOBER>
Honestly ... Just my opinion..... If you really think your husband wants you to fail. change that thought into My husband is 'waiting' for me to fail and let him down again. And in that, show to him that he is so so so wrong, and even though he did marry an alcoholic, TODAY you will show him what its like to be married to a 'recoverying' alcoholic. You have already talked to him about all of this, so just leave it at that (men dont seem to like to repeat conversations). Now today do things with a smile on your face, you have come so far. for years I only got to about day 3 of sobriety before I picked up my liquid handcuffs!
you have to concentrate on you. If your happy and doing your thing, just sit back and watch how your husband will start to get confused with your behaviour. Dont push him to go to meetings. Just casually leave a brochure somewhere that he might see it (suttle hints)
Okay I will stop rambling now.
Power to you!!
misslisa
This time (now 17 days sober! your beating me ! LOL) I am so dam determined to PROVE to them all that I can and will do it! Most of all I am going to PROVE to myself that no matter what life throws at me, I can deal with it SOBER>
Honestly ... Just my opinion..... If you really think your husband wants you to fail. change that thought into My husband is 'waiting' for me to fail and let him down again. And in that, show to him that he is so so so wrong, and even though he did marry an alcoholic, TODAY you will show him what its like to be married to a 'recoverying' alcoholic. You have already talked to him about all of this, so just leave it at that (men dont seem to like to repeat conversations). Now today do things with a smile on your face, you have come so far. for years I only got to about day 3 of sobriety before I picked up my liquid handcuffs!
you have to concentrate on you. If your happy and doing your thing, just sit back and watch how your husband will start to get confused with your behaviour. Dont push him to go to meetings. Just casually leave a brochure somewhere that he might see it (suttle hints)
Okay I will stop rambling now.
Power to you!!
misslisa
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
misslisa that advice is just like a woman!!!! LOL We men are more easily swayed if it is our idea! You gave excellent advice, leave that Alanon pamphlet out to where he can find it and decide he has had a great idea to go to alanon, of course you going to AA will leave him with time alone to think about that! LOL Alanon also has some excellent books for folks to read living with recovering and practicing alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Great on your 19 days!!!! That said, maybe he is a bit scared....... I am one of those spouses (well,ex-spouses....my husband left me to continue to drink,etc). As great as your 19 days is,after all the turmoil,broken promises,denials,etc during the drinking YEARS....it is going to take a little time to rebuild the trust back,no matter how much he wants to! That is just human nature,IMHO. After a while we have to "protect" our own feelings a bit,too.
Alanon for him would be a great idea!!! Could give him the tools that we need to overcome our own "stuff". Family and Friends forum is another very helpful place,too.
Good luck to you and continued success!
Alanon for him would be a great idea!!! Could give him the tools that we need to overcome our own "stuff". Family and Friends forum is another very helpful place,too.
Good luck to you and continued success!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
A pamphlet is a great idea or even a meeting schedule. Then, I would drop the matter unless he queries you further. If he is anything like my husband, he is resistant to anyone "telling" him what to do. My husband has never dealt with his dad's alcoholism either. What I have found to be useful is dealing with ME and MY OWN recovery. I have certain boundaries after having found I had NO boundaries in our relationship. I will NOT be spoken to in a certain way, I WILL get to attend my meetings, etc.
I recommend Melody Beattie's book CODEPENDENT NO MORE for a great discussion of boundaries. You may want to read it yourself. Sounds like your life has been affected by someone's drinking... your father-in-law's.
As time has gone on my husband has pursued one on one counseling and has read at Melody Beattie's and Earnie Larsen's books, a bit... this is going on 18 months sobriety for me though. He has never stepped foot into Al-Anon. Interestingly his siblings have no problem admitting their dad was alcoholic. To my husband, he just "drank like all the other Irishmen" lolol.....
Keep it simple! You've enough to worry about without worrying whether your husband addresses his codependency. Also, all the advice I have heard states NOT to make any major changes in the first year of sobriety. Unless you are left with no choice or are in a dangerous situation, then "no major" changes would include not ending your marriage. That comes from others' experience, strength & hope...
xo
I recommend Melody Beattie's book CODEPENDENT NO MORE for a great discussion of boundaries. You may want to read it yourself. Sounds like your life has been affected by someone's drinking... your father-in-law's.
As time has gone on my husband has pursued one on one counseling and has read at Melody Beattie's and Earnie Larsen's books, a bit... this is going on 18 months sobriety for me though. He has never stepped foot into Al-Anon. Interestingly his siblings have no problem admitting their dad was alcoholic. To my husband, he just "drank like all the other Irishmen" lolol.....
Keep it simple! You've enough to worry about without worrying whether your husband addresses his codependency. Also, all the advice I have heard states NOT to make any major changes in the first year of sobriety. Unless you are left with no choice or are in a dangerous situation, then "no major" changes would include not ending your marriage. That comes from others' experience, strength & hope...
xo
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Unless you are left with no choice or are in a dangerous situation, then "no major" changes would include not ending your marriage. That comes from others' experience, strength & hope...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm a recoverying alki..but since my GF is an alcoholic. I also have
to work on my co-dependency. In order for us to live under the same
roof.
Also keep in mind..I had a heck of a time accepting that I was alki. As you did.
I had a hell of a time accepting I was codependent.
My father is also an alcoholic..that totally blew my mind..I had a harder time
accepting that. It ment that I was ACOA. It ment that i had to
swallow my pride. Removing my denial made me very uncomfortable.
It ment I had to change.
The reasons why I chioce alcoholic or codi to have a relationship with
is..i didn't know better. But as I reserch and study, I begin to understand
better why. However, the willingness to reserch or acceptence of the truth didn't
come after much, much pain. The same as my alcoholism.
I had a codependency book on the counter for months, months before I read it.
I've been infected with alcoholism since the day i was born.
I knew something wasn't quit right and life shouln't cuase that
much pain or chaos. But i develope a vail to hide the pain or to
cope inorder to survive as a child..my alcohol and drugs abuse
was just an extention of that...so was my workaholic or perfectism
and a bonch of other traits or habits I would do to not feel or process
the pain.
However onething that I've learned...after much pain..
I can only work my own program, especailly under my own roof.
A boundary is a must..it can be suggested all day long
but from my experience...It's necessary.
to work on my co-dependency. In order for us to live under the same
roof.
Also keep in mind..I had a heck of a time accepting that I was alki. As you did.
I had a hell of a time accepting I was codependent.
My father is also an alcoholic..that totally blew my mind..I had a harder time
accepting that. It ment that I was ACOA. It ment that i had to
swallow my pride. Removing my denial made me very uncomfortable.
It ment I had to change.
The reasons why I chioce alcoholic or codi to have a relationship with
is..i didn't know better. But as I reserch and study, I begin to understand
better why. However, the willingness to reserch or acceptence of the truth didn't
come after much, much pain. The same as my alcoholism.
I had a codependency book on the counter for months, months before I read it.
I've been infected with alcoholism since the day i was born.
I knew something wasn't quit right and life shouln't cuase that
much pain or chaos. But i develope a vail to hide the pain or to
cope inorder to survive as a child..my alcohol and drugs abuse
was just an extention of that...so was my workaholic or perfectism
and a bonch of other traits or habits I would do to not feel or process
the pain.
However onething that I've learned...after much pain..
I can only work my own program, especailly under my own roof.
A boundary is a must..it can be suggested all day long
but from my experience...It's necessary.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 390
not much advice to be givin from me other than if you stay sober and he cant change,he will probably regret not treating his own problems and having his marriage end,hopin he understands it IS his problem too.(some may disagree with me here)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Durham NC
Posts: 71
hey taz, I tried the tactic of leaving the pamphet just "laying around" where he could find it.... he found it, and there it sat. *sigh*
I've given up the fight as far as getting my husband into alanon, I found the more I pushed the more he resisted, so I just stopped caring about it and concentrated on my own recovery. I found out a bit later that he had been sneaking off to the library to read up on co-dependancy and it's related issues... what ever works I suppose. I had the same problems as far as being absolutely positive that my husband was trying to get me to drink, and maybe subconciously he was... because his role in the family was defined then. I went and screwed up the balance by getting sober and his role was completely turned upside down.... wow that can really get messy when everyone's roles and family duties get all twisted around because we go and get sober!!! Becoming comfortable and confident in the new roles... like an actual husband instead of my caretaker... the one who held my hair out of the way when I was puking, or the one who got me in bed when I passed out in the kitchen, or the one who took care of the maniac in a blackout..... it's a hard adjustment. It takes a good deal of time. Keep your sobriety as your first priority and after some time, or in my case alot of time, he will come around... he's still reeling from the shock I would think.
I've given up the fight as far as getting my husband into alanon, I found the more I pushed the more he resisted, so I just stopped caring about it and concentrated on my own recovery. I found out a bit later that he had been sneaking off to the library to read up on co-dependancy and it's related issues... what ever works I suppose. I had the same problems as far as being absolutely positive that my husband was trying to get me to drink, and maybe subconciously he was... because his role in the family was defined then. I went and screwed up the balance by getting sober and his role was completely turned upside down.... wow that can really get messy when everyone's roles and family duties get all twisted around because we go and get sober!!! Becoming comfortable and confident in the new roles... like an actual husband instead of my caretaker... the one who held my hair out of the way when I was puking, or the one who got me in bed when I passed out in the kitchen, or the one who took care of the maniac in a blackout..... it's a hard adjustment. It takes a good deal of time. Keep your sobriety as your first priority and after some time, or in my case alot of time, he will come around... he's still reeling from the shock I would think.
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