Emimily

alright-i need to vent this.

for the most part, i am a sweet, mild-mannered girl with a job and friends and a beat up station wagon and i listen to jam bands and wear long skirts and love life and my dog. but, there is a tiny part of me that is so very angry. there are only a handful of things that really get me upset, but one of them is something that makes me think i need to stop coming to this site altogether.

i'm done reading posts that cajol the mewling, puking new kid. you know what i heard when i got sober? show up, and do the work. you want it? you work for it. if what you REALLY want is to show up and wah-wah-wah about your drinking problem and not DO anything about it, then take it somewhere else. if you have a problem with AA then don't go to AA. whatever, more power to you... but, please understand that you have no right to dissect a program of recovery that's works for 70+ years. it works for me, and countless others. if you have a "feeling" that it just won't work for you, then my suggestion is one of two things - 1) take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth, or 2) go out and drink until you're desperate enough to work for what you want.

i just can't STAND when people treat newcomers like they're infants. yeah, you're drunk and depressed and crazy, so what?! there are people in the rooms that've been homeless, living in cars, incarcerated, insane, etc. etc. there's nothing unique about a newcomer, it makes me sick watching people with multiple years of sobriety soothing the frazzled newcomer... there's a big difference between encouragement and enabling, and it feels like there's no distinction sometimes.

i guess i'm just used to more hardcore sober warriors. when i was a newcomer though, nobody said "ohhh, poor little girl, it's so great that you can spew your brains out with no plan of action, keep coming back!"

blech.

Anna

Hmmm, it sounds like you might want to work on that anger.

Thanks for your opinion.

Emimily

-respect-

collinsmi

Go on, preach to the choir! When I feel like this, and I frequently do, I try to remember that they, like I, are perhaps spiritually sick. Also, there's that whole accept the things I cannot change/change the things I can thing. My alcoholic brain wants to rail against situations I have no power to correct. I might have to exert myself otherwise. I'm trying to get rid of those self righteous binges, no matter how "justified" they seem. THey feel too much like drinking!

Surlyredhead

When I was first in recovery, I had alienated everyone I loved. It was such a change to have someone hug me and tell me that I was not alone and that everything would be okay, if I just didn't drink. I never felt as if I was being coddled, I felt as if there was hope. They told me I had to learn to forgive myself in order to recover. That was over thirteen sober years ago. I also learned , that in order to be accepted, I had to learn to accept others as they are. Your feelings are valid, I however, chose to heal with love and kindness. That doesn't mean that it won't be hard work, and it doesn't mean that I might not need to have my shoulders shook every now and then. I went to one of the toughest treatment centers in Detroit, and stayed there after I completed as a monitor for over a year (a year and a half in all) Even there, through the hard work, was always kindness and acceptance.
I understand your frustration, this might be one of those situations where we take what we can use, and leave the rest. That was an awsome rant though...I bet it feels good to get it out!!!!

Cathy

daisy_j

Personally, I say bless those on here who reach out to those who are struggling with words of encouragement and support. I understand what you are saying about your own journey, but everyone's is different.

Even in AA meetings, you will have some members who reach out to the newcomers and other members who take up a more "tough love" stance with them...it doesn't mean one way is right or wrong, they are different approaches with varying rates of success for each.

I have read other people complain about this same issue and to me the solution seems simple. If you don't want to offer support to a newcomer, then don't. And you can simply skip over their posts for ones that are more to your liking.

parentrecovers

recovery is different for everybody. and everybody deserves it. but rant away, i appreciate all the honesty.

blessings, k

Dee74

I agree with Surly...awesome rant...
but y'know...

maybe it's because I *am* a newbie - maybe I just don't know jack or maybe I'm just more sympathetic to my 'mewling puking' kin...maybe in a years time I'll see things differently - but in my opinion the monolithic response some newbies get here...the 'drunk and depressed and crazy, so what?' or the 'not ready to take my advice ?..drink some more and come back when your are' school actually drives or frightens a lot of people away, and that's not what this place is about, IMO...

D

Astro

I appreciate your rant Emimily. Two very important words I learned in recovery that I constantly remind myself of when I'm feeling vicious: Love & Tolerance. Nuff said. Be gentle.

lanie67

I think this is kind of like a *very* open discussion meeting...and the internet brings out that thing in people where they are somewhat more antagonistic than they would be in real life, so maybe that is where the dissecting comes in. I don't know, people are supposed to carry the message and they are working their 12th step in the way they know how. I didn't get sober in rooms where people were come down upon, and I do find it uncomfortable but maybe that is what some need. I grew up with a rageaholic and I could never do anything right, so that approach would have had me running screaming out of AA; but then I was ready to quit drinking when I came, I was scared enough, although I have had one relapse in the course of my sobriety, at just under ten years. Really, nowhere along the way was the hardcore approach useful to me, but then I came in willing. Maybe some folks are just web-surfing, and maybe some are looking for a vent...I think if I feel that is what is happening I'll just remove myself from the discussion, because at some point it becomes either codependency or an argument.

Iwanttobe1

Wow! That's incredible anger. Be angry with the disease and not the afflicted.

I would not have made it to this, my second month of sobriety without the love and support I have recieved from AA friends and this site. Nobody coddled me, but they were patient when I cried, understood when I was hurting, and loved me before I could even love myself.

They did not enable my drinking, they enabled my sobriety. So rant on, but don't run newcomers away because you think people are being too nice to them. AA says we are to serve others to maintain our sobriety. I believe that is best done with love and kindness.

Just my opinion, only worth what you paid for it...

Carol

CarolD

What ever happened to....

"Love and tolerance is our code"?



And....

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. . . . But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.age 66

stone

Hi Em! Lol, so you got the tough talk and liked it huh? You just 'decided' to believe some ******** in a book? Like it was the word of god?
Good for you! I will keep wondering and not just 'blindly' believing any old ********.

came2believe

When I feel angry or vicious, I am now able to pause a bit and realize I don't have to act based on that anger or viciousness. Instead I can leave the room, take a walk, have a warm bath, or grab an apple and crunch away and enjoy those healthy sugars making me feel better. Often, the feeling goes. Sometimes, these feelings return or linger. That is when I phone up my sponsor.

If I felt like you describe, to the extent that "vicious" was the adjective that described the way I felt, I would do a mini 4th step on the people/attitudes that were so disturbing to me. Again, this is based on my experiences with a lingering resentment that bordered on rage. I had to do a mini 4th step on it. And putting off this mini 4th step led to my doing some rather cruel things to someone. Had I done the step sooner and been honest with my sponsor, it wouldn't have happened. FORTUNATELY I didn't drink over it. I'm VERY lucky I didn't. I sure felt like it.

I completed the step, corrected the problem and made my amends to the person. WOW. So much trouble would have been avoided if I had worked on that resentment sooner! But I learned something. Next time I WILL!

All the best.

leeside

If cajoling gets them to stop drinking then it is worth it. I generally dont do it because I gotta think it is gonna really work cause I hate to cajol. I kinda agree with Em that tough love is the best way to go. I just think tough love gets a person going, but the person has to be tough enough to take it. But if tough love wont work I am not going to put down someone for trying to cajol someone. (just my 2 cents worth)

SaTiT

Give me a break i was only 22 a smart ass punk of a kid when I got sober
What's your excuse ???

yeah...on the other hand, I hear people saying that I never had it bad
becuase i didn't grow up in the getto
becuase I was drive a bad arss car with to burn attending meeting after
a while....gee freaken wizz...i live in the slum of a thrid world country
as a child....what's your excuse ???

My father is a CEO...what's your excuse ??

and gee freanken wizz...my home land religion belief is that you
shouldn't depend on a higher power...what's your excuse ??

and what da who..i know the bibble like the back of my hand..what's your excuse ??

At least I can put together more than a couple of weeks off the damn juice,
hell i put months and months together before entering recovery...
what's your excuse and hang up ???

here's a bit of encouragement... stop lying to youself.

cyberwolf

I have to say that coming here asa newcomer and still being one has been the driving force to me not drinking. I have recieved support and encouragement and just to read from someone that I am not going mad is SO reassuring.

I realise there are hundreds? Thousands? of members who have either not read my posts or have chosen not to respond and that IMO is totally fine, like wise I read posts from members and don't add to them I just take from them, I take inspiration, encouragement and hopefullty a bit of knowledege.

Tough Love works for some - I have no doubt, but it would have just made me cry and in the 1st couple of days, probably even now, drink. I imagine some of the SR members have "been driven" to drink because of so called Tough love in families and relationships and it might just discourage someone looking for encouragement and inspiration from even trying. Now I guess you could argue well then they are not ready, but I needed to know that there were other people who had been where I was and who could offer advice. I suppose what would I really know with only 11 days sober? I know that I had a need and desire to stop drinking and I know I needed support and I know SR has been a great support to me.

Thats just my opinion.

SaTiT

Nobody...made my drink or get high. Espeacially reading something on line.

I start making up excuses or I have reservation.
I start setting myself up for a fall.
I start blaming other poeple for my problems.
I come up with all kinds of hang up...such as I have a job or I don't have job.
I start blaming even recovery itself...it dosn't work or it won't work for me.
Well la de freanken da...it works, if you work it...even setting myself up for a drunk.

I start intertaining ideas that somehow I'm different or specail

and as if I've never relasped before...whats your excuse ?

Tazman53

Em that was an excellent rage and probably felt darn good to get it out.

For most alcoholics coming into the rooms of AA, thier butts are kicked pretty darn good, mine sure was, I did not get nor need the hard nosed aproach, the majority of the folks coming into the rooms don't.

The only time I have ever seen the hard nosed aproach in the rooms in my almost 8 months was when a guy came back into the rooms after a relapse, the first night he came in he jumped up on the pity pot and cried the woe is me tale for a good 10 minutes, he had been clean and sobe for several years and then went back out to experiment and discovered it was worse out there then it had been before. At this meeting he was made very welcome back and numerous folks were there for him.

Well a week later he came into the same meeting and did the same thing sitting on the pity pot and crying woe is me all over again. Well I was kind of shocked at a few of the folks with a good deal of time and how they played hard ball with him.

I spoke to one of the guys who did this and asked him why he had treated him that way. He told me that he had gone through de-tox with him, they had gotten sober together and he knew him very well and knew at that time that was what he needed, tough love! He told me he would never do that with a new comer, but this guy he knew exactly what was needed because he knew him qite well as did the others who hit him with the tough love.

Here at SR you have quite a mix of folks coming here as new comers, most of them are just seeking some answers and support, there have been a few others though who have spent a very long time here getting support and suggestions who just keep coming back and hopping on the pity pot but never doing a darn thing to try and recover.

Some of these folks do get the tough love. One person comes to mind and they are finally off of the pity pot and doing something to get and stay sober after getting some tough love, it was actually what this person needed, but because this is the internet it took a while for folks to realize that they did need that tough love to get them off of the pity pot and into taking real action to get sober.

cyberwolf

I totally agree NOBODY and NOTHING written online would have made me drink, it would be my own free choice, just like every single one of us makes the choice to be free from alcohol/drugs, and if we relapse it is us who make that choice, sure outside factors, deaths, life stresses, unkind words, grief etc etc can influence our choice but at the end of the day the choice is still ours.
IMO the first few days, weeks, and who knows months and years of sobriety make us vulnerable as we are choosing to leave something which has been our friend, our salvation and the answers to all our problems (or so we thought) for so long. I feel myself wondering about how I will manage when huge life altering events happen, but countless hundreds of people do manage and I will to because it is what I want, but sometimes, for me, and maybe others encouragement and understanding is needed to help us make that right choice, but an informed choice, especially in the early days.

Just MO