leviathon

Hi All, I've been dealing with a lot of anger and resentment issues lately, as well as the usual stress, anxiety, pressure, etc. As a result of all of that, I have been having some meaningful discussions with someone that is particularly wise and during our discussions, he suggested I posted this thread, so here goes... the first post will be our most recent discussion on how he dealt with anger.

>> ... Can I ask, did you grow up with a lot of unexpressed anger? I am sensing that there are a lot of parallels between your story and my own.
Yup. As you spend more time in recovery you'll find that most of us guys have the same _feelings_, even though the details of our history are different.

>> ... What did you do to learn to express anger and resentment in a safe fashion?

Excercise, meetings, therapy. In that order. One of my early mentors was a world class body-builder. He encouraged me to exercise regularly, something which I still do today. Meetings gave me a safe place to vent and thus reduce the "pressure" before it built up. Therapy helped me understand the mechanisms behind my feelings, and with that understanding I was able to better avoid situations that "triggered" me.

So, here's my invitation to you all, how are you all dealing with your issues?

Just for the record, here was my response to the above:

Thanks so much NAME. Very helpful stuff.

I'd be glad to post in main forum... ACOA and Alcoholism... think it applies to both.

I guess part of me has been trying to do this without going to meetings and without going to therapy. I just want so bad to be normal. I've also been to therapy and to meetings and I got fed up with the procees a while back. I have also started working out again. I used to be a provincial class bodybuilder and I know a lot of what drove me to work out four to six hours a day was the stress, frustration, anger, hurt, anxiety, etc. Working out really did help, although at times I think I not only was over doing it (duh, ya think 4-6/day), but I was also using it as an escape.

I have found great strength and support here. I rely on that for my continued sobriety, along with my spouse and my relationship with God. Praying daily and it helps.

Peace Levi

parentrecovers

my anger always translates as fear. when i am able to let go and let god, i find peace.

i admit i am powerless. and i turn it over to my higher power.

i have no control over anyone except MYSELF.

i admit more shortcomings, i am humble.

easier said than done somedays..

thanks, good thread - k

hopeOct31

Thanks for your post Levi,

Your words remind me of the things I need to get back to doing in order to improve how I have been feeling lately. I "conveniently" forget to do the things that have worked before when I am in the moment

Lots of people have told me that it helps them to talk to others either at meetings, with their sponsor or through therapy. I am sure it does really help others, but for me I haven't found talking to be as useful. Especially if I am talking to someone who supports my reasons for being angry and I get more worked up about it.

What has worked most for me in the past is exercise, like you said, and spending time in a place that I find peaceful and spiritual. For me that is places in nature that I repeatedly go back to where there are no people, city noises, etc. I almost always find a sense of peace which makes it easier for me to not focus on the anger and focus on the more positive things in life.

The anger from my past will sometimes creep up on me again. For me it is a continual process of dealing with it, but I think it has gotten better over the last few years of trying to deal with it.

I hope you are able to find what helps you, all my best, HopeOct31

SaTiT

I grew up with surpressed anger.
And a constant reminder that anger wasn't good for me.
True..ture.. but nobody gave me any tools...basciallty just preached at me.
Or just shut the hell up...and do as you're told or behaved.
Surpressed or denial..it lead to the same place. I was depressed as heck
or suffered from chornic depression and anxity. At the end of it all..
I didn't want to hurt anyone so i drank and drank to tried to numb myself.
Alcohol and drug abused did serve it's purpose, but it too was killing me.

I didn't understand at first why my sponsor would tell me to write
how alcohol did some good in my life. I was a walking time bomb
and alcohol served as a releave from that rage.
The moment I sobered up, all I felt was rage at first.

I had to spend a lot of time out in nature aside from AA and therapy.
I drove my motorcycle into mountain or out to the desert everyday
for over 6 months. Or just drove my motorcycle all day..it was all
I could handle or the best I could do. The only people the seem
to understand me was an old reocovery alki..He kept the doors
open for me everyday, if I just needed a place to rest between the meetings.
I felt bad..so I started moping the floor and making the coffee
without him asking me, before I laid down. it was the only safe
place i felt I could to be. Sometimes i would even leave as the meetings
started. All the man would say to me is
" keep coming back...it dosn't happen overnite"

Out in the wilderness, i could scream and shout at the top of my lungs.
I threw rocks and broke whatever, curse at god or whatever without
beinfg judge or sack religious. That's just where I was at.

No don't need to do that today anymore, becuase the pressure had
been releaved. People in recovery had passed on so many living tools
to me. I play my guitars sometimes to just release the negative energy.
it sounds pretty wicked sometimes..but no harm, no foul.

There's even lessons in the course of miracle..there's a formate of
" I'm angery at____________becuase of __________________."
that's it...a tool I can use to release or express my anger without
harm to myself or others. I don't have to analize the hell out of it.
I don't need to carry it inside of me anymore....that's it.
that's the miracle.

lanie67

I don't know that I will ever get it right where anger is concerned. I am a short female who was raised in the church. I grew up with a rageaholic father and felt like my space was constantly violated by his rage and anger coming out of him. There isn't much that a woman my height can do as far as being 'physically threatening' or whatever. I know some small women who are like that but I'm not one and will never be. My anger gets me in trouble...I wrote a caustic e-mail when I was in a bad mood and the person didn't keep it confidential but instead shared it and it has caused me no end of grief. But I can't confront people in real life, my voice just starts shaking and I can't breathe. I feel like I'm completely wrecked when it comes to anger. I'd really like to beat the h*ll out of someone once, that deserved it, and maybe that would make me feel better. That isn't very recovered but that is the truth for me right now. I am unable to express my anger directly to people because I am afraid that they won't have anything to do with me if I tell them that I am angry about something, so I express it behind their backs, which sometimes ends up in a disaster worse than if I had just said how I felt.

SaTiT

It was only until last year that i was able to tell my adbrasive alcoholic father
to go to hell...He wasn't going to stop being mean to me no matter what.
I had a lot of un-resolved anger inside of me, plus the man started re-enforcing
all of that insanity upon me again. Everytime I'm around him, i get a since
of fear going or I'm walking on eggshells. Well, he sure didn't give a hoot.
He kept on and on even after i ask him to stop. i finally stood up to my
abuser. I broke down into tears and was shaking after.

No he hasn't stopped drinking...but he dosn't abuse me mentally or
emotionally anymore. I won't have it.
Yes, we can still sit in the same room today.
I still love my father every much, but i no longer seek approval from him.

yes..a sence of release anger directed to the sob that caused me a lot of
pain and suffering. My childhood anger had been resolved. it was also a prelude to
something to come.

For some reason after that moment..my codi issues seem to subsided.
My gf was still a drunk...and I wasn't going to have any of it..
While not as hars as i was with my father..I stood up for myself without
the guilt and shame. I no longer went into the traps of codi/alki cycle,
which at the earily stages of her being sober, she was still acting out
in old behavior patterns. I broke that cycle..i found the courage to
do so by finding the courage to stand up to my father.
I love my Gf very much. I no longer seek approval from her either.
I hope that makes sense...

I seldom get angery anymore, but if i do get angery..i don't denial it,
I just don't re-act to it in a dystructive manner.

CarolD

Interesting thread....Thanks Levi

I just don't give others my serenity power.

I keep in emotional balance with...
"How Important Is It?"

Prayer works great for me....

leviathon

What I have and am finding really useful is that I cannot control other people, I can only control my reaction to it.

I used to think that meant if someone did something that was hurtful, I could only control my reaction by not letting it hurt me. That didn't make sense b/c it did hurt. Then I figured out, well it may still hurt, but I do not have to let them know that, and I do not have to respond in a hurt manner. Rather, I can step back, think my way through it and CHOOSE my response, if any, to what they have done.

That also means that IF someone makes me angry, I cannot prevent that, they have hit a trigger or I cannot control their behaviour, but I CAN choose how I respond to the anger I am feeling. I can be angry with him/her, but yet respond in a rational manner. I can go into the woods if necessary to scream and shout and be irrational if that is what it takes for me to be able to do the former.

I am starting to see.... Thank you all for sharing.

Levi

parentrecovers

levi, i was in a family session over wkend with daughter at rehab - she said the same thing as you said above, almost word for word..about not being able to control other people. i find it so interesting how alcoholics/addicts and family members of alcoholics/addicts mirror so many of the same characteristics and struggles in/out of recovery.

thanks for sharing, k

ghostgirl

hey levi... thanks for the thread. i have some pretty serious anger issues. i was always brought up that girls didn't get angry. girls did what they were supposed to do. i just stuffed and stuffed, and one day someone (my dad) gave me a glass of champagne (i was 14), and i loved it... the numbness, the "euphoria", the cares right out the door... so i had another. and from that day on my love affair started.

today i am so pissed and resentful i can't evn understand it. yesterday was a great day, the day before was a great day, and today i have not been able to stop crying, and its not even noon yet. i'm exhausted already.

Tazman53

Anger for me is a BIG Trigger, funny how much less anger I have now that I am working the 9th step, the 4th & 5th step was a huge leap for me.

I now find a degree of surprise when I am in situations that used to get me POed, I have found the people I am dealing with remain calm and things go very smoothly when I do not escelate them with anger.

When I do feel anger build up getting in a place all alone where I can holler until the feeling passes helps me.

leviathon

Taz, I have learned of late that de-escalating and not allowing anger situations to escalate are two good strategies.

For example, in terms of de-escalating, if people are talking loudly, I keep my voice low and calm. If others are standing and posturing while speaking loudly, I sit down.

It works.

I find taking a break really helps when I am wound up. Lets me de-escalate.

Levi

GlassPrisoner

Levi, I did the same thing while dry, for about 5 years. I raced Mountain Bikes at the "Expert" level here in highly competitive Southern California. Everyone here "sandbags" (that is, competes in a class lower than their fitness level) so it was pretty much like racing Pro anywhere else.

I loved it, I poured every frustration and feeling of anger I had in me into those pedals. And I won, a lot. I trained maybe 20 hours a week, while working and going to school, and being a Dad ,a husband , and a homeowner. I had a resting heatrate of about 50, I was an aerobic monster ! Body fat ? What body fat ? Drop me in water and I'd sink.

But you know what? One day, I got tired. I said to myself, "why train 30 hours this week to shave .5 seconds off of my fastest time to that 4000 foot summit ? I'll think I'll stop and have just one drink on the way home....."

You know the rest.

Excersise, in moderation, is great. As a matter of fact, I don't get enough. But the best way I've found to deal with anger and resentment is through the 12 steps. After working the 12 steps, I have NO anger and resentment in me over past issues, and very little over the day to day stuff.

leviathon

Hi GP, thanks for sharing.

I found the same thing. I was training for bodybuilding. Without drugs I ended up placing fourth in the men's provincial heavyweights even though I was actually a light heavy in weight.

I trained four to six hours a day b/n cardio and weights. I went to uni full time ta boot and worked part time. I wasn't a dad, not sure how you managed that too. At the end of the day, I got out the frustrations, etc., but I wasn't really happy, I was running from my problems.

Now a days, I work out three to four days per week for maybe an hour at a time. That's it. I then take restful and peaceful walks with my spouse and our dogs. I read, I relax, I pray. These bring me much more spiritual relief and leave me at peace.

I started this thread more because I still have triggers from my childhood... had a very violent and abusive childhood. I have gone to counselling for a time and thought I had dealt withthem. But, now that I am in a relationship I am finding that they were still there, down deep. So, I am trying once again to find the resources, ES&H to deal with them... hopefully for the last time.

Peace, Levi

parentrecovers

my daughter is really struggling with anger/resentment right now - this thread was helpful for me to try to understand. thanks, k