Utterly confused.
Utterly confused.
Hey guys,
I haven't written in awhile because I've been so busy with work, which is on the right track. Financially, things couldn't be better - just got my monthly statement in the mail from my financial advisor and made a decent amount over the last month, but still something is missing - do you know that feeling?
Over the last couple of weeks I drank twice, once about 7 light beers last week. Last night I had one, opened a second and just wasn't "in the mood" - so I fixed some food and watched the discovery channel after pouring the second beer down the drain without issue.
So I'm wondering, am I an alcoholic or just a problem drinker? I know I'm at least one - I am a problem drinker for certain, no question. But could an alcoholic pour a second freshly open beer down the drain without issue or thought of having more power than the beer?
I've go so many questions lately...
Sometimes I wonder if I just desperately wanted to be an alcoholic because I could finally find a group I could "belong" and had a right of passage.
Is this my disease tricking me?
Why did I have a beer to being with?
The real b1tch of it is that nobody can tell you you're an alcoholic, except you. I'm just really confused and could use any insight you may have.
Thanks for letting me share,
PR
I haven't written in awhile because I've been so busy with work, which is on the right track. Financially, things couldn't be better - just got my monthly statement in the mail from my financial advisor and made a decent amount over the last month, but still something is missing - do you know that feeling?
Over the last couple of weeks I drank twice, once about 7 light beers last week. Last night I had one, opened a second and just wasn't "in the mood" - so I fixed some food and watched the discovery channel after pouring the second beer down the drain without issue.
So I'm wondering, am I an alcoholic or just a problem drinker? I know I'm at least one - I am a problem drinker for certain, no question. But could an alcoholic pour a second freshly open beer down the drain without issue or thought of having more power than the beer?
I've go so many questions lately...
Sometimes I wonder if I just desperately wanted to be an alcoholic because I could finally find a group I could "belong" and had a right of passage.
Is this my disease tricking me?
Why did I have a beer to being with?
The real b1tch of it is that nobody can tell you you're an alcoholic, except you. I'm just really confused and could use any insight you may have.
Thanks for letting me share,
PR
I dumped out a few over time but for me to have one and dump #2 I could find easy to do. For me to have 2 or 3 and try dumping out the next is when I would find an issue.
Are you an alcoholic?
I think the better way to look at it is... Do you know where your limits are and can you control the intake so you don't pass them every time?
I know where my limits are. I know the progression alcohol has on people when they drink as well. Can I drink one beer and stop? maybe but... My choice is to not have that first one and by staying with that choice I will never need worry about what beer #2 or 3 does to me.
Are you an alcoholic?
I think the better way to look at it is... Do you know where your limits are and can you control the intake so you don't pass them every time?
I know where my limits are. I know the progression alcohol has on people when they drink as well. Can I drink one beer and stop? maybe but... My choice is to not have that first one and by staying with that choice I will never need worry about what beer #2 or 3 does to me.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
Explain that a little more if you can. Is it like an empty hole in your life that nothing except alcohol can fill?
Personally, I can't use a label like "problem drinker" as an excuse for my drinking. An alcoholic has problems caused by the disease of alcoholism, the mental obsession that compels him/her to drink. I also know that if I didn't have a problem, I wouldn't have spent the better part of my life questioning whether I was an alcoholic or not. People who don't have issues with alcohol don't wake up in the morning and then ponder later on in the day the why's and what's of alcoholism. The thought just never crosses their mind. That's my experience, take it for what it's worth.
Try answering these 12 questions honestly http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/....cfm?PageID=71 You're right, only you can decide for sure.
Personally, I can't use a label like "problem drinker" as an excuse for my drinking. An alcoholic has problems caused by the disease of alcoholism, the mental obsession that compels him/her to drink. I also know that if I didn't have a problem, I wouldn't have spent the better part of my life questioning whether I was an alcoholic or not. People who don't have issues with alcohol don't wake up in the morning and then ponder later on in the day the why's and what's of alcoholism. The thought just never crosses their mind. That's my experience, take it for what it's worth.
Try answering these 12 questions honestly http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/....cfm?PageID=71 You're right, only you can decide for sure.
Oh your honesty humbles me....I can't in good conscious
answer your question, but if it were me, (because of my disease, I would not want ot be an alcoholic, so I could drink) Maybe a couselor could help you work out these dilemas. I love my couselor, I can't say enough about batting around thoughts and fears and hopes with a professional...it's a good thing Martha would say, Hoep3
answer your question, but if it were me, (because of my disease, I would not want ot be an alcoholic, so I could drink) Maybe a couselor could help you work out these dilemas. I love my couselor, I can't say enough about batting around thoughts and fears and hopes with a professional...it's a good thing Martha would say, Hoep3
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
******** PR }}}}
I missed ya! Was wondering where you were ...
I don't have any insights or answers for ya. What you describe, i did for years and years before finally settling down and drinking like the true alcoholic I am ... I can't say what is in your heart or head, hon.
I'm just glad to see you!
I missed ya! Was wondering where you were ...
I don't have any insights or answers for ya. What you describe, i did for years and years before finally settling down and drinking like the true alcoholic I am ... I can't say what is in your heart or head, hon.
I'm just glad to see you!
Hey PR,
I've had this thought many times. For me though, the fact that I am an alcoholic provides the best explanation, does the best job of tying all the threads of my past together.
It's also hard for me to deny that the past four and half years without alcohol have been some of the easiest years of my life even though some not so pleasant things have happened which were completely outside my control. So even if I'm not an alcoholic (which I am), my decision to give up drinking would still be one the best decisions I ever made.
It's also hard for me to deny that the past four and half years without alcohol have been some of the easiest years of my life even though some not so pleasant things have happened which were completely outside my control. So even if I'm not an alcoholic (which I am), my decision to give up drinking would still be one the best decisions I ever made.
Maybe you are still at that point in your drinking where it is still possible for you to say no. Now is the time for you to put down the bottle and back away quickly before it progresses.
My own experiences has convinced me that "problem drinkers" go on to develop alcoholism. If you are noticing certain changes in your behaviour whenever you drink then the best thing I can tell you is to stay as far away from it as possible.
My own experiences has convinced me that "problem drinkers" go on to develop alcoholism. If you are noticing certain changes in your behaviour whenever you drink then the best thing I can tell you is to stay as far away from it as possible.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad to see you PR!
Well....I suggest you go back and read your old posts.
Do you really want to live that way again?
That empty feeling you mention ????
I filled mine with God and AA service work.
Mega Hugs
Well....I suggest you go back and read your old posts.
Do you really want to live that way again?
That empty feeling you mention ????
I filled mine with God and AA service work.
Mega Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Hi PR,
That's the $68 question that's missing ? I can only share my ESH.
I sober up at a young age and relapsed after 11 years.
Somewhere along the line in my relapsed I didn't think i was an alki either.
I left bottles in the frigg and half empty bottles that I didn't finish.
I went to work , clean my apt, washed my dishes, and paid all my bills.
The bith of it was...one of sponsee that I havn't seem in years
saw me doing laurndry one night and started talking to me
No program talk, just as a friend. I was a bit BUZZed..feel'in
pretty good. I saw tears in eyes tho. Didn't really want to go
back to meetings. So the next week..here he comes again
catching me doing laurndry again..i had a routine going.
That's the $68 question that's missing ? I can only share my ESH.
I sober up at a young age and relapsed after 11 years.
Somewhere along the line in my relapsed I didn't think i was an alki either.
I left bottles in the frigg and half empty bottles that I didn't finish.
I went to work , clean my apt, washed my dishes, and paid all my bills.
The bith of it was...one of sponsee that I havn't seem in years
saw me doing laurndry one night and started talking to me
No program talk, just as a friend. I was a bit BUZZed..feel'in
pretty good. I saw tears in eyes tho. Didn't really want to go
back to meetings. So the next week..here he comes again
catching me doing laurndry again..i had a routine going.
DISCLAIMER: The below relates alcoholism to the definition, as I understand it, of "alcoholic" found in the Big Book. I'm not looking to turn PR's thread into a debate.
PR, first...I'm glad to see you. I've missed you.
Second...well, this is a bit more complicated. Someone above said "I can't in good conscience answer." I'm going to try, with a disclaimer to anyone reading these thoughts that it's an alcoholic's temptation to latch onto any explanation for their troubles other than their alcohol consumption. I'll try to tread lightly, and I hope others reading will proceed cautiously.
Alcoholism, in my understanding of it, is not just a physical compulsion to continue drinking beyond the point of enjoyment or healthy consumption. For an alcoholic, there is no healthy consumption, as one will always lead to more. And more. And more.
Another component of my disease (and related to me by scores of other alcoholics) is that "something missing" feeling that you mentioned. Those of us who choose the 12 step way of living to treat our alcoholism find that the spiritual element fits into that empty space that we attempted (in vain or to no good end) to fill with booze.
Many, many, many people have the second part, the spiritual lack, without the physical compulsion. It would never occur to most of these folks that alcohol was the problem unless they happened to turn into heavy drinkers. Alcohol is a depressant, so naturally, if alcohol consumption became a "habit" (rather than a compulsion or a physical addiction), it might occur to them that alcohol was the cause.
Now, before you latch onto that, let me ask you this: you said work is going well, things couldn't be better, and that's the reason you haven't been around posting much. How much are you working? Are you getting the same kind of numbing or distracting feeling....something that pulls you away from that empty feeling....by working instead of drinking? There are many different kinds of alcoholics, and some of them don't drink much! Take me, for example: I substituted drugs, motherhood, work, sex, spending money, gardening, you name it, for alcohol and got the same effect so long as I was driven, doing it compulsively and not allowing myself time to feel the wind whistle through me. That way, I didn't have to think about what I was missing.
Now, only you can answer the question, "Am I alcoholic?" If the answer is yes, and if you think that work is a sufficient substitute most of the time for your alcohol consumption, the steps can guide you and help you find what you need to live without walking around with empty (spiritual) pockets. If the answer is no, not really, because that physical component is missing, you may be one of the ones like my brother who was able to expand his spiritual life and find fulfillment in that way and not feel the need to be surrounded by recoverying alcoholics. He's essentially learned, through his religion, a version of the steps.
Or, you could have all the symptoms except the alcoholic drinking, only to develop it as time goes on. You could be saving yourself a whole boat load of heartache (and saving others around you from the crap) if you do something now.
Here's the rub. If you decide to use AA and the steps to recover--and I have heard others like you express that they "stopped in time"--and you still decide to have a few now & then, I caution you to be very, very careful in the effect on and false hope you could transmit to someone who is not like you.
Does that make any sense? I've been interrupted several times in writing this post, and I'm not quite sure I explained well what was on my mind. I'll come back & try to clarify if it seems I muddled it up!
(Again, good to "see" you!!)
Peace & Love,
Sugah
PR, first...I'm glad to see you. I've missed you.
Second...well, this is a bit more complicated. Someone above said "I can't in good conscience answer." I'm going to try, with a disclaimer to anyone reading these thoughts that it's an alcoholic's temptation to latch onto any explanation for their troubles other than their alcohol consumption. I'll try to tread lightly, and I hope others reading will proceed cautiously.
Alcoholism, in my understanding of it, is not just a physical compulsion to continue drinking beyond the point of enjoyment or healthy consumption. For an alcoholic, there is no healthy consumption, as one will always lead to more. And more. And more.
Another component of my disease (and related to me by scores of other alcoholics) is that "something missing" feeling that you mentioned. Those of us who choose the 12 step way of living to treat our alcoholism find that the spiritual element fits into that empty space that we attempted (in vain or to no good end) to fill with booze.
Many, many, many people have the second part, the spiritual lack, without the physical compulsion. It would never occur to most of these folks that alcohol was the problem unless they happened to turn into heavy drinkers. Alcohol is a depressant, so naturally, if alcohol consumption became a "habit" (rather than a compulsion or a physical addiction), it might occur to them that alcohol was the cause.
Now, before you latch onto that, let me ask you this: you said work is going well, things couldn't be better, and that's the reason you haven't been around posting much. How much are you working? Are you getting the same kind of numbing or distracting feeling....something that pulls you away from that empty feeling....by working instead of drinking? There are many different kinds of alcoholics, and some of them don't drink much! Take me, for example: I substituted drugs, motherhood, work, sex, spending money, gardening, you name it, for alcohol and got the same effect so long as I was driven, doing it compulsively and not allowing myself time to feel the wind whistle through me. That way, I didn't have to think about what I was missing.
Now, only you can answer the question, "Am I alcoholic?" If the answer is yes, and if you think that work is a sufficient substitute most of the time for your alcohol consumption, the steps can guide you and help you find what you need to live without walking around with empty (spiritual) pockets. If the answer is no, not really, because that physical component is missing, you may be one of the ones like my brother who was able to expand his spiritual life and find fulfillment in that way and not feel the need to be surrounded by recoverying alcoholics. He's essentially learned, through his religion, a version of the steps.
Or, you could have all the symptoms except the alcoholic drinking, only to develop it as time goes on. You could be saving yourself a whole boat load of heartache (and saving others around you from the crap) if you do something now.
Here's the rub. If you decide to use AA and the steps to recover--and I have heard others like you express that they "stopped in time"--and you still decide to have a few now & then, I caution you to be very, very careful in the effect on and false hope you could transmit to someone who is not like you.
Does that make any sense? I've been interrupted several times in writing this post, and I'm not quite sure I explained well what was on my mind. I'll come back & try to clarify if it seems I muddled it up!
(Again, good to "see" you!!)
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Best,
Your point is well received, thank you. Hmm, yeah I'm wondering if I am catching alcholism in it's "infancy" or if I just used alcohol during problem periods.
Astro,
I couldn't agree more - I just wish it were that cut an dry for me right now, I guess only time will tell...thanks for the insight. I took the quiz, scored 4/12 - which means, according to the site (4 or more) I may have a problem with alcohol. I don't think having a problem with alcohol is debatable it's the alcoholism that I wish I could figure out. The question then remains, should it matter?
Hope,
Your post brought a smile to my face, thank you. Yeah maybe I'll see a shrink, but more likely not - I'm not big on that whole scene myself - I think there is a great place for those professionals and the people they help, but right now I'm in a no-shrink zone.
Pilgrim,
Yeah I hear ya girl! A bottle of wine and a can of beer are a bit different, but not to worry I totally got your message and appreciate it, thank you.
Barb,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, wow it really feels good to be missed. I sure missed you all too. Thanks.
FindingOut,
Now that is a piece of advice I can sink my teeth into. I was explaining to another member via PM similar sentiments and my thoughts of abstinence being a happier place regardless of the REASON for the abstinence.
Peter,
That's my concern man - exactly. If I am an alcoholic I want to catch this thing sooner than later, if I'm not - well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I'm leaning toward the "having alcoholism until proven innocent or otherwise" mindset. Safe/sorry. Thanks.
Carol,
No doubt I had some crappy posts in my history that were the cause of alcohol and they remind me of why I came here to begin with, which is why I'm not so quick to dismiss the possibility of alcoholism vs. problem drinker. Thank you for your message, I've missed you!
ST,
Thanks for the insight man, you've always got some good stuff in your stories - thanks for the lesson to ponder.
Sug,
You did an outstanding job explaining that, thank you very much - you have been missed too. I'm working a decent bit, but certainly not substituting it for drinking - if I wanted to drink, I could sure make time. I am definitely trying to resolve what I think is a "spiritual malady" of sorts. I may indeed be headed down the same path your brother walked. I have a strong foundation based on faith, but faith is both belief and trust, I'm good on the belief, but I'm terrible on the trust part of the equation. I think I sit back an marinate on the information you and everyone else has provided.
To all,
Thank you so much for your kind words and insight, I almost forgot how much I missed this place and all the rockin' people here. Love to you all!
PR
Your point is well received, thank you. Hmm, yeah I'm wondering if I am catching alcholism in it's "infancy" or if I just used alcohol during problem periods.
Astro,
I couldn't agree more - I just wish it were that cut an dry for me right now, I guess only time will tell...thanks for the insight. I took the quiz, scored 4/12 - which means, according to the site (4 or more) I may have a problem with alcohol. I don't think having a problem with alcohol is debatable it's the alcoholism that I wish I could figure out. The question then remains, should it matter?
Hope,
Your post brought a smile to my face, thank you. Yeah maybe I'll see a shrink, but more likely not - I'm not big on that whole scene myself - I think there is a great place for those professionals and the people they help, but right now I'm in a no-shrink zone.
Pilgrim,
Yeah I hear ya girl! A bottle of wine and a can of beer are a bit different, but not to worry I totally got your message and appreciate it, thank you.
Barb,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, wow it really feels good to be missed. I sure missed you all too. Thanks.
FindingOut,
Now that is a piece of advice I can sink my teeth into. I was explaining to another member via PM similar sentiments and my thoughts of abstinence being a happier place regardless of the REASON for the abstinence.
Peter,
That's my concern man - exactly. If I am an alcoholic I want to catch this thing sooner than later, if I'm not - well, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But I'm leaning toward the "having alcoholism until proven innocent or otherwise" mindset. Safe/sorry. Thanks.
Carol,
No doubt I had some crappy posts in my history that were the cause of alcohol and they remind me of why I came here to begin with, which is why I'm not so quick to dismiss the possibility of alcoholism vs. problem drinker. Thank you for your message, I've missed you!
ST,
Thanks for the insight man, you've always got some good stuff in your stories - thanks for the lesson to ponder.
Sug,
You did an outstanding job explaining that, thank you very much - you have been missed too. I'm working a decent bit, but certainly not substituting it for drinking - if I wanted to drink, I could sure make time. I am definitely trying to resolve what I think is a "spiritual malady" of sorts. I may indeed be headed down the same path your brother walked. I have a strong foundation based on faith, but faith is both belief and trust, I'm good on the belief, but I'm terrible on the trust part of the equation. I think I sit back an marinate on the information you and everyone else has provided.
To all,
Thank you so much for your kind words and insight, I almost forgot how much I missed this place and all the rockin' people here. Love to you all!
PR
Hey guys,
Thanks to all of your replies of insight, I think I've decided to just label myself as an alcoholic and treat this disease as such.
I continue to hold onto the idea that I don't blackout or drink in the morning, therefore I just *might* not be an alcoholic. However, when I compare my life sober to my life as an active drinker - I can't find a good reason to drink again. All things point to success as a sober person and a failure as a drunk person. When you look at alcohol in this light, it's hard to figure out why we even want it to begin with...cunning, baffling, and powerful.
I think it's time to stop entertaining my disease and accept it. Tomorrow is as good of day as any to declare yet another day one. I promised my mother as part of a gift to her...Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers (this include single dads, like my own, that had to put on the apron from time to time).
Thanks for listenting,
PR
Thanks to all of your replies of insight, I think I've decided to just label myself as an alcoholic and treat this disease as such.
I continue to hold onto the idea that I don't blackout or drink in the morning, therefore I just *might* not be an alcoholic. However, when I compare my life sober to my life as an active drinker - I can't find a good reason to drink again. All things point to success as a sober person and a failure as a drunk person. When you look at alcohol in this light, it's hard to figure out why we even want it to begin with...cunning, baffling, and powerful.
I think it's time to stop entertaining my disease and accept it. Tomorrow is as good of day as any to declare yet another day one. I promised my mother as part of a gift to her...Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers (this include single dads, like my own, that had to put on the apron from time to time).
Thanks for listenting,
PR
Every time I would visit my lawyer (also was my AA sponsor/mentor) He would point something out to me... So were you drinking this time as well?
I started to see a pattern... add alcohol, visit jail, and/or tickets and the lawyer.
No alcohol...no problems.
My response, I drank for years out of control. Then I got sobered up and I drank socially, take it or leave it, for years... then I eventually slipped into out of control again.
During the social years could I take it or leave it? Absolutely. The issue for me was I having the same thought after the first drink? Thought was "Euphoria". That never changed, I had the same consistent reaction to alcohol regardless of what phase I was in, I had the first drink and I immediately experienced euphoria. It was so darned good...
I know that they say that no once can tell you if you are an alcoholic, except you, well sorta... the fact that you are on here contemplating whether or not you are an alcoholic and then going through mental mind games as to whether or not you are an alcoholic or simply a problem drinker, in my opinion, answers the question, YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.
Levi
During the social years could I take it or leave it? Absolutely. The issue for me was I having the same thought after the first drink? Thought was "Euphoria". That never changed, I had the same consistent reaction to alcohol regardless of what phase I was in, I had the first drink and I immediately experienced euphoria. It was so darned good...
I know that they say that no once can tell you if you are an alcoholic, except you, well sorta... the fact that you are on here contemplating whether or not you are an alcoholic and then going through mental mind games as to whether or not you are an alcoholic or simply a problem drinker, in my opinion, answers the question, YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC.
Levi
Barb,
I don't think I could have said it any better in so little words. Outstanding!
Coll,
Nope, haven't tried the experiments, at this point I don't think I need to convince myself what I feared I already new...which brings me to Levi.
Levi,
Yep, I'm an alcoholic and to be quite honest it's embarrassing that I even second guessed it. I'm learning that fear is what I have to face, fear IMHO is a COMPLETE lack of faith in your HP and a COMPLETE faith in your D.O.C. It sucks to have been so blind.
PR
I don't think I could have said it any better in so little words. Outstanding!
Coll,
Nope, haven't tried the experiments, at this point I don't think I need to convince myself what I feared I already new...which brings me to Levi.
Levi,
Yep, I'm an alcoholic and to be quite honest it's embarrassing that I even second guessed it. I'm learning that fear is what I have to face, fear IMHO is a COMPLETE lack of faith in your HP and a COMPLETE faith in your D.O.C. It sucks to have been so blind.
PR
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