refreshing34

Hope I am posting in the right place.
I am married for 15 years to H.
He has always drank.
At times in our marriage I have made an issue when it has gotten bad.
Starting about 3 years ago he started treating me diffrent and drinking even more.
About a year ago (4-06 thru 8-06) he was drinking so heavy and having alot of blackouts. When I got to the point of leaving (8-06) he said he would go to marriage counseling but only went once and did cut down on drinking at that time.
In Dec he was drinking heavy again and talked to him about leaving. He cut down and even went 2 weeks without drinking.
Sometime in there he was drinking heavy again. No blackouts just getting drunk on weekends and drinking most weekdays.
I sent him and email and he has cut down again. At first was only drinking 1-5 beers every other day but now seems to be drinking 1-10 beers almost every night but skips 1-2 nights a week. Only drinks the 8-10 sometimes. It usually 1-3.

It seems he can maintain. Meaning he can drink one beer or 4 beers. So maybe he isn't an A?

The other thing is he seems to talk with a thick tounge and stammer over sentences or get his words mixed up now and he never used to do that this seems to be on nights he isn't drinking.
There is no evidence (smell, bottles, ect.) to suggest he is drinking at other times so Im not sure what is going on.

I know only he can know if he is an alcoholic but I am so confused.
I want to leave him if he doesn't get help and stop drinking but what if I am wrong and he isn't an alcoholic.
He is pretty upset that I am pushing the issue of him stopping. Thinks I am going overboard when he doesn't really have a problem.

He doesn't drink in the morning, or at work, only an occasional beer at lunch. Doesn't drink every day and doesn't go to bars. Usually drinks at home and since I drink very rarely he drinks alone.

How can I tell?
There are no job problems he is a very good provider and even though he drinks and drives occasionally he doesn't have any DUI's in 18 years.

I would like to hear viewpoints from others as I figure out where to go from here.
I have read the stickys but still would like others viewpoint.

Astro

Well, if you were posting from Phoenix I'd wonder if my ex was still trying to figure out what happened to me;-) Lol!

Your description of his drinking pattern matches what I followed through 11 years of my second marriage almost exactly, and yes I'm an alcoholic, not a heavy drinker. But only he can decide whether he has a problem and wants to do something about it, you can't do it for him.

Here's a simple test that might answer some questions for him http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/....cfm?PageID=71
And here's something that might help you http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/questions.html

queenteree

Sounds like my AH a few years ago. See my story is AH drank heavily many years ago, then I left him, he went to rehab and didn't drink for over 14 years. A few years ago, he started again, controlled it very well for several years, didn't drink at work, never missed a day of work due to drinking, paid all the bills, never drank and drove, and if he did, he drove fine, never drank in the morning, and could stop drinking for weeks on end. The thing was, once he started, he kept going, sometimes for weeks on end. He has progressed to the point of drinking almost daily (3 weeks on, 1 week (if that) off), more drunk and slurring than ever (even when I don't think he's been drinking), always drinks and drives (and is going to get a DWI real soon cause he's a bad driver now when he's drunk), drinks in the morning, drinks at work, and misses work to drink sometimes. This disease is progressive, and trust me, I've seen it with my own eyes. I, too, questioned whether my AH was an alcoholic being he could go without it at times, only have 4 at times, etc. Now, it's a cut and dry thing. Start to detach and take care of you and never mind what he does, you'll only drive yourself crazy.
QT

RedFox

Those are the things that stick out to me. I'll explain why:

1) I only drank on weekends. Frequency doesn't matter, it's quantity and how a person's body reacts to it. That was the major excuse I used to justify my drinking.

2) I'm not a doctor or anything. But that sounds like damage from drinking too much alcohol over such a long period of time. Just my guess.

3) Why does it matter if you're wrong about him being an alcoholic or not? The only thing you need to ask yourself is if the alcohol is causing problems between you two. That's it, if you can answer yes to that question than you might want t re-evaluate things.

Alcoholics tend not to be very accepting of people's opinions when they say they have an alcohol problem. My Aunt asked me point blank if I had a problem with alcohol and I immediately got defensive and denied it only to realize months later that yes, I do have a problem.

4) I've already addressed this. But how often one drinks really doesn't matter, as much as we'd like to believe it does. If he can't control how much he drinks when he does drink, then there's a red flag right there.

5) You should be saying he doesn't have any DUI's yet. If he keeps that up it's only a matter of time and I'd have to say he's pretty damn lucky if he hasn't been caught in 18 years. That's a big deal to me. He could get in an accident and kill some innocent person.

Sorry if I sounded harsh at all in this. I'm really exhausted today so my politeness buffer might be a little thin.

I hope some of this helps

Pilgrim

I found that if I was starting to keep count of the number of drinks my partner was having, I stopped living life on my own terms. It got sort of boring. I just had to admit that if he was out, he was drinking and the number didn't matter. Only the effect. Also, my counting wasn't always the same as what was really going down.

BP44

I tried every trick in the book to control the amount of alcohol I was drinking. Including outting 4 or 5 drinks in a large cup and calling it 1 drink. The fact of the matter was once I had the first drink I had no control whatsoever over how much, how long, or what would happen when I was drinking. Every bout was a roll of the dice and bad things didn't happen every time, but they happened and pretty regularly. When looking at my drinking history I have two lists...already happened and hasn't happened yet. My hasn't happened yet list has gotten awful short. Hooking into Alanon can be real useful for suffering families. Hope this helps. Take care of you. If your husband is an alcoholic it can and will get worse. But only he can determine that.

refreshing34

Thanks to all who have responded.
Thanks for the links Astro. I have checked them out. I know I can't do anything about his problem since he refuses to get help and only he can do that for himself. I really wish he could see what I see but the fact is he can't, doesn't or chooses to ignore.

Queenteree thanks for your post. I have already detached alot over the past year. What scares me is him getting to where your AH is so that is why I question. We pretty much live seperate lives. He does what he wants and I don't say anything. Other than the email I sent with links to AA and the link of where to find meetings I have said nothing to him. He does what he wants and comes and goes as he pleases. He knows how I feel about his drinking so I see no point in saying it again. Where the craziness is that I love him and hate seeing what he is doing to himself and honestly if all thats left on this road with him is heartache and pain I can't do anymore.

Jen thank you for your post and no you don't sound harsh.
You are right it doesn't matter if he is an A or not his drinking is causing major problems. I guess part of the reason I question is the fact that if is going to get worse like back to where it was in the summer with lots of blackouts or even worse there is no way I can do it. I am ready to leave until he gets help but was wondering if I am jumping too fast. He always knows how to appease me for a while.

Steph
yes I have been preoccupied with how much he is drinking because it seemed he was drinking more than what I saw and also that was part of my evaluation of staying or leaving. Yes I do need to let it go though it definately doesn't make me feel any better.

BP44 thank you for your post. I have started going to al anon. What worries me is it getting worse. I know that only he can know.

Thanks for all the replies it really does help and it helps me understand things a little better.

Pick-a-name

Thanks for the timely post. My (now ex) AH drank rather like that....about 10 beers a night at home,fell asleep, up to work where he was the boss (until he recently sold the business for a nice $) come home (unless he was on the gollf course) and do it again. Looked great from the outside but the anger,temper,blackouts,at home were getting worse and worse. Of course, he said it was me and the kids "causing" it,so he moved out. I told him the kids and I did not want to deal with that anymore (they did,too I'm told) so he'd have to get help before moving back in. After a year or so,he filed for divorce. (after 30y together)

Yesterday the two of us went to pick our daughter up and move her home from college for the summer. He was as nice as can be (actually extra sweet,no crabbiness,temper,etc) we drove home,he took us out for dinner,etc. Of course,now I am coming close to starting the mental circles...."what if he isn't,etc"...ugh. He is still drinking,there were empty wine glasses on his counter. He told us he never stopped and never would. He's never indicated to me or the kids that he had changed anything except that he is now in more control of his surroundings without us there. blah,blah,blah....I think I know why you posted this question (and how frustrating to hear "only he can decide if he is or isn't").

Chances are more than "good" both of these guys do have a problem with alcohol. WE have a problem with alcohol when it involves them, so I guess that is why we are looking for help (for ourselves) but I am fairly certain that it is not by "accident" we came up with this idea.

Thanks for the post and all you with the posts that shut off that nagging little voice that is trying to get me to hear it....THAT is part of MY sickness!