Rella927

"I think a whole line of discussion has started here i have questions too-lol
maybe post on alcoholism board too for even more input." HopeAngel
________________________________________
This is just like Tazman’s post-It maybe a stupid question but maybe not too-here are two post’s from Taz’s and try to answer the questions below. I know it is a disease and I know a lot of A’s out there in some post’s have stated that we do not know a lot about it unless we were in your shoes-well help us…

Just like Taz said “Try and take a step back from the hell we have/are put/putting you all through just long enough to help me try and grasp a normal person and drinking.”

So now take a step back from the hell we put you through with our behavior-nagging etc…just long enough to help us understand/grasp the mind of an A's from your own view (not ours)

“Seeing and knowing how many lives are ruined by addiction—
why would anyone NEED to drink--and WHY would you want to taste the poison that kills so many?
Why monitarily support alcohol in anyway shape or form?
I never touch it...even at a wedding for a toast==I would put it to my lips and ''see'' all of you and your loved ones as well as my own....” –SunFlower-

“what an interesting question, especially so it seems to me because i feel like alanoners (i am generalizing,and identifying myself as an alanoner) are always asking why does AH do this, that, what were they thinking, how can we understand them better-- and AHs never seem interested in our thinking. i know i am generalizing, but my husband can talk and talk about AH but would never ask me anything like this.”-Lillian-

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM? (HopeAngel)

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT? (HopeAngel) This is like the thread from forced treatment-

hopeangel

let me just clarify my questions as some got cut off

what made you hit bottom?

is it true that the A will not benifit from treatment unless they go for themself ONLY? verses if they go because a loved on wants them to.

paulmh

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

From quite an early age - though I wasn't aware at the time, only later when I looked back - I came to rely on drink to help me cope with my own emotions. I genuinely thought that that was the way that everyone used alcohol. And I genuinely thought that everyone had the compulsion to drink. They were just much better at managing it than me.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

Yes, frequently. When I was homeless, when I was in hospital, but most of all in the eyes of many, many people.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

I felt like I didn't care any more. That doesn't sound very attractive, but I needed to not care. All the time.

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

That's a big question. I have a capacity for peace - genuine peace, which isn't the absence of feelings. I have much less fear and confusion. Life's good. That doesn't begin to cover it, but you get the idea!

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM? (HopeAngel)

Exhaustion. I couldn't do what I was doing any more. I was beat.

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT?

It's true for this alcoholic. I thought I "should" get sober for all sorts of reasons. Honestly, when I look back, I lied to myself. I wanted to carry on drinking because I wanted to not feel anything, failure to get sober for someone else being one of the things I wanted to not feel.

Astro

I did. Nothing made me other than my mental obsession with alcohol. I could blame it on my job, wife, or life, but the truth is that I made the conscious decision each and every time to pick up that drink.

Of course I did, and each time I denied it, telling myself that I couldn't be that bad. No matter how many times my ex pleaded with me to get help I brushed it off, slowed down to appease her, then a few weeks later I'd be drinking more than ever.

Drinking was usually a high for me. I was oblivious to any stress or issues I was having with living.

That's a big question. I don't regret my past but wish it'd gone differently. Sobriety, my higher power, and AA have given me a life that's better than anything I could've dreamed up. I wish I could've saved my marriage, but I'm excited about what the future holds for me in recovery.

The realization and shock that my marriage was ending, I was being asked to leave our home, and I'd never be present in my children's lives 24/7. That still hurts, but I cherish the time I have with my kids and the love that we share.

I'm not sure I understand this question but I'll do my best to answer it. Anyone associated with an alcoholic can benefit from his/her recovery if it's their desire to do so, but I wouldn't be so bold as to invite anyone along on this journey. It's not an easy road and I never felt like my ex, children, friends, or family signed up for this BS. They all deserved better. I think an alcoholic who wants to put in an earnest effort towards recovery can become a very loving, caring, and honest person. Yes, we can "practice the principles in all our affairs". But sometimes I've felt that I do it alone because of the wreckage I created. That's OK with me, I do my best to make amends and keep my side of the street clean.

Thanks for the post Rella and hope. I'm very sorry for the hell we've put our families, friends, and companions through. My hope in recovery is that I can continue to reach out to others and help them achieve sobriety. If God has any purpose for me in life I assume that's one of them.

hopeangel

did you go to treatment because YOU wanted to go solely for yourself or because a loved one wanted you to go? and is treatment more effective if you go for your own reasons or because a loved one wants you to?

Astro

My treatment was sitting against the back wall at the Fellowship Club, hiding from the world, and spilling coffee over myself because I was shaking so badly. I thought that rehab and treatment were for "real" alcoholics, and of course I wasn't admitting yet that I was one of them. I also thought my family would shun me if I checked myself in for treatment. In short, I was scared out of my wits.

I think we have to want sobriety and be truly done drinking for it to be effective. Yes, my children finally have the father that any child deserves to have. But the real truth is that I'm a person I can be proud of, I love myself most of the time, and I consider sobriety a gift from God, an honor. It really doesn't get any better than being clean and sober.

Rella927

Thank you for sharing-with us! I have said it before I feel that us codies and A's learn alot from each other and our addictions once we start to recovery from it....so thank you Astro-and forgiveness is a virtue.

I have forgiven my brother, my dad but still to new to forgive the XAB especially as he is still doing his abuse to me and others-(Stalking me)

Thanks again Astro this was a great share!

SaTiT

Okay...my recovery went like this. I peeled the layers away..

I'm a recoverying alcoholic. I got sober at 22, I'm currently 40.
My drinking career lasted maybe 5 years. I didn't started abusing
drugs and alcohol heavily until the later part of ..2 years. Life
on life's term just seem a bit too much for me. Nope, nobody
forced me to drink. I wasn't in that type of denial.

Every relationship I got invlove with, my partners drank or was also in recovery.
Instanlty...I'm a co-dependent. I've never had to deal with a drunk,
drunk until within this last three years. So..I thought

At the very begining of my recovery, it was suggested by another
recoverying alcoholic that I attend ACOA. For some reason she
pionted that out to me. Maybe I had certain triats of a AOCA.
For the longest time I didn't think my father's drinking affected me.
It's only been within the last year that I'm able to face my childhood
and even to this date, how much my father's alcoholism has affected me.
It was f-up the day i came out of the womb screaming.
My father is still a drunk.
Father new best...but you know what ...he's the meanest buasture you can
ever meet. Drunk or sober. And you know what ??...My mother abandon
me as a child, and my father beat the crap out of me...I had the best of both
world...
And you know what...I still hate mean people even if they are sober.
And you know what...My father is a CEO, and was the dean of a church
I'm not a street person or grew up in a trailer park. The damn swim pool
never stopped him from beating me and Jesus Christ never came to save
my sorry arss. And you know...sometimes it makes me sick to hear people whine
when they first sober up and feel a little pain...while everyone else have been
living in the pain the entire time while they where drunk and numb for years or decades.
Maybe I feel this way becuase the past three years of my life had been
a living hell trying to see it through when my GF relasped. Surely i don't
take it lightly when I share to people to detach or seperate from thier partners.
It's through that pain..I was force to face the pain i carried with me from
my childhood.

I laugh and i hurt still to this day...but I'm clean and sober, no matter what.

Alcoholism suckes !!!..the suffering is unbarable.
I still havn't really figure it out...why O freanken why it had to be
and what's the piont of me still being alive.

I basically tried to drink myself to death to tried to stop the pain.

Rella927

((((SATIT))))) Thank you!!!

Sunflower

trouble is by the time they are so far gone they can't think normal or understand the difference between right and wrong,
I forsed treatment through the courts after years of rehabs/detox--I used an unconventional way for him to get this--he did--and It worked...thats all I can say--I took action--severe action--no more playing around--no more''how do you feel'' action--lockdown--now sobriety--sspeaks for itself

TINLIZZY

Rella -

Thank you for this thread!!

My name is Liz and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for 37 days.

WHAT MADE ME DRINK
I have a full time job, an executive husband who works/travels too much, two homes to manage (east coast and west coast), three children with their own problems, etc. I wanted a softer life. I wanted to relieve the stress. I wanted to relax, relax, relax. I wanted . . . (Note: I, I, I) And, for awhile it worked.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL IT MAY BE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE
Certainly not at first. As I have said, it worked (at least for me), for a time. When it stopped working, absolutely!! I would shake, become dehydrated, had very poor eating habits (days without food), felt week willed, had a loss of self respect and self confidence, loss of integrity, was isolated, felt out of controll, and had an overall inability to function with my life. But, by the time alcohol stopped filling my void, I was powerless to stop. It IS beyond will power!!

HOW DID I FEEL WHEN I WAS DRINKING
Anxious, memory loss, isolated, lack of integrity, degraded value system, guilty, lack of respect from my family. My children couldn't bring their friends home with confidence, they deferred to their father, my relationship with my husband degraded both emotionally and physically - I took my husband's wife away. I felt totally responsible, overwhelmed, and out of controll. I was not happy and my life was not any easier, more relaxed, or more stress free.

HOW DO I FEEL NOW
It's only 37 days, and I have a long way to go, but . .
BETTER. I know it's not very descriptive, but I just feel better. I'm listening to music again, my anxiety has (almost) gone away, my children are slowly responding to me differently, I like the way my husband looks at me (this is HUGE, HUGE, HUGE), more self confident, more relaxed, beginning to FEEL again. I'm learning . . . to live sober. And, it is work! It's been said that an alcoholic stops developing emotionally when they start drinking. Sooo, I have a way to go.

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR ME TO HIT BOTTOM
The loss of my freedom. I was slave to alcohol. I would not go out in the evening, not participate, not live. I am lucky that I have a somewhat high bottom. I had not YET lost my family, my homes, job, bank account, etc. YET is the operative word. I was on the wrong side of the drinking curve that we all learned about in grade school. I did not like where I was or where I was going.

TREATMENT FOR MYSELF OR I WON'T BENEFIT FROM IT
I can not answer for other people. My husband asked me many, many times to quit/slow down/stop. He never threatened to leave me, take the kids, or divorce me. I would like to think that if he had, it would have made a difference, but I can't say that for sure. I could see my life spiraling downward. By that time, alcohol/my drinking was out of MY controll, and I was not ready to admit that I had a problem, that I could not handle alcohol on my own. I knew that I could not stop by myself, but I was not one of "THEM" (Remember the list of Not Yets! / Note: I, I, I)

After an anniversary weekend that I could not get through without hidden alcohol, I admitted to my husband, and moreover, to myself that I was an alcoholic and needed help. That was the beginning of the end. I have been going to AA, which did not work at first as I did not participate, and I have checked myself into an outpatient rehab (70% recidivism rate). I WILL be in the top 30%. I am on track to do WAY more than 90 meetings in 90 days, I have a sponsor, and am working the steps. I have a new beginning . . I have been given hope/encouragement/support. I know that can do this!!!

Agin, thanks for the questions. I know that my husband has the same, and I've tried to answer as honestly as possible. Writing this has been hard and cathartic at the same time. I hope it helps you and yours to understand in some way -

TinLizzy

Astro

Awesome share TinLizzy, I'm sooo happy to hear your enthusiasm about sobriety shine through!

GlassPrisoner

Nothing "made" me drink. I liked the effect. And, yes, I did like to escape from reality.

Ummmm.......NO.

At what stage ? I loved it at first. Was apprehensive, but still liked it for a long time. Came to hate it at the end.

Better than ever. I've found recovery. At the end though, I prayed for death.

Too long. But, looking back, just long enough.

I don't know. I'm stubborn, so Ihad to get beat up pretty bad before I sought help.

Sunflower

I am confused is this f/f of As or am I on the wrong site??

Zencat

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?
I was a problem child due to developmental harms from childhood sexual abuse. I found at age 13 that liquor and drugs took away the emotional upheaval.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?
Just the opposite . I was doing less self-harmful behaviors when loaded.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?
I didn’t hate everyone and myself as much.

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?
I feel optimistic about the future.

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM?
My family was going to cut me off from their support and I loved them more than myself so I thought I would see what rehab was all about.

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT?
Not in my case. I wasn’t sure I could stop after 35 years of use. But after detoxify and medical treatment I was hopeful that I could clean up. At first I did it for my family then I did it for myself.

Sugah

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

I didn't. It was fed to me in a cup probably before I could hold a cup on my own. It was available at family gatherings, a "sip" given to the children whenever they asked. The drunker the adults got, the more "sips" the kids got. By the time that I able to make the decision on my own to drink, it was already the logical answer to my problems. But this doesn't mean my family "made" me into an alcoholic. I had the (some would consider) misfortune to be born with alcoholic genes.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

Yes, I was thirteen years old. I had a boyfriend who never saw me sober. I used to try -- really hard -- to stay sober until he could come see me, which wasn't until he finished his after-dinner chores. But the alcohol was available, I could smell it, see other people drinking it -- I even tried sipping it, but that didn't work. You know what? I don't really know what he looked like. All I remember of him was a fuzzy face and that he liked to kiss a lot.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

At first, free. Like nothing and no one could hurt me. Later, trapped. The freedom lasted just a few short moments when I felt the booze hit my bloodstream. After that, I just felt trapped.

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

Really free. Alive. Eager for experience. Peaceful. Oh, sometimes, I feel sad, No doubt about that. Sad things happen, and it's normal to feel sad. Once in awhile I get angry, but not often. I still feel scared about a lot of things, but nothing like I used to. Mostly free, alive, peaceful. And grateful. So very grateful that I wasn't right, that "you really can change your stars."

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM? (HopeAngel)

There were many bottoms, many "jumping off places." The last bottom I hit was when I knew my children (who were almost 9 & 12 yrs old) looked down at me, and they looked so sad. Like they were saying goodbye.

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT?

Where I was....I wouldn't have done anything for me alone. As selfishly as I lived, my only aim was to end the suffering once and for all. For my children, I gave rehab a shot, but I didn't have a lot of faith that it would work. I had just enough love in my heart for my kids and just enough belief that we all have a purpose to try to see if perhaps mine was not just to serve as an example to others. You know...the one where others say, "Remember what happened to Sugah? If you don't straighten out, it'll happen to you."

I drank & used drugs all my life with very few "dry" spells. I came into recovery 4 1/2 years ago, at the age of 34.

And one more thing....

As for the first question, "What made you put the drink to your mouth?" -- we live in a wet world. Alcohol is everywhere. The chances of a person going through his/her entire life without tasting alcohol...wow, they're pretty slim. And if this person is like me, all it's going to take is having the feeling once. That's it. The beast wakes up, and until some solution is found to put it to sleep again, until some understanding and acceptance of the problem is found, there is no choice. That's the powerlessness in the first step.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sugah

Sunflower, this is a "f/f of" asking questions of the As.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Peter

"WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?"
Curiosity at first, then dependence .Finally it was to escape from years of accumulated pain fear, emptiness and lonliness,


"DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?"
Yes definately, but I was obsessed with the idea that it was possible to "control" my drinking and spent years trying to do so.

"HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?"
Numb. Mostly, I just felt numb.


HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?
Like I had been driving all my life with the handbrakes on and suddenly someone turned it off.

"WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM?" (HopeAngel)
Apathy and deep despair and the realization that i was losing all the people I loved and cared about.

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT? (HopeAngel) This is like the thread from forced treatment-

No I do not think so. I personally went to my first AA meetings because of pressure from my GF. I think most of us seek out treatment under some kind of duress.

Mongo

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

I thought drinking was soo mature, and what grown up men did. Drink till ya fall over. I could drink all my friends under the table.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

Oh yes. In the latter stages I knew I had to quit or I'd lose everything. Thoughts about death didn't occur to me till the very end of my drinking.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

Numb, mostly. No real buzz anymore, just copious consumption till blackout.

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

Even though I'm still paying the costs of my drinking my life is gradually becoming better and I'm starting to feel good about myself. Physically, I'm healthier than I've been in a long time. I'm beginning to realize that I CAN do things I never thought I could while drinking.

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM? (HopeAngel)

A series of attempts to quit drinking resulted in ever worsening withdrawal symptoms. My last withdrawal convinced me I'd never survive another.

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT?

This depends on the A. Forced treatment may be the thing that pushes an A into recovery. Even an A in deep denial externally may realize that the costs of drinking are becoming overwhelming. Treatment may show an A that there is a way out.

Ron

GrouchoTheCat

WHAT MADE YOU PUT THE DRINK TO YOUR MOUTH?

Hmmm, well I started drinking probably like many people but alcohol did something for me that is difficult to describe. It seemed to help me cope with life.

DID YOU KNOW/FEEL AT ANYTIME IT MAYBE DESTROYING YOUR LIFE?

At any time? Oh yeah, twords the end but not in the beginning. For many years I did not even know I had a serious problem.

HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU WERE DRINKING?

Like I could cope with life. Like I was at peace. Warm, fuzzy, and loved. Wonderful. Peaceful, my mind wasn't racing. Carefree. Free.

HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW?

Now that I have a connection with my higher power I feel ok most of the time. You must understand that alcohol still tells me that it will make me feel better. Right now I know better but if I lose my connection with my higher power and with AA I most certainly would drink again. I need to be constantly reminded that alcohol is a lier.

WHAT DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY HIT YOUR BOTTOM? (HopeAngel)

For me it was not the horrible things that happened to me, the accidents, the debt, etc. I simply got to a point where I was truly sick and tired of existing the way I was. My existance at the end was: wake up, drink, then puke, then drink until I passed out. I did that around the clock.

IS IT TRUE THAT UNLESS AN A GOES TO TREATMENT HIMSELF ONLY THE WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM IT.

I actually do believe that treatment can work for those who are forced into treatment if they can realize that they are sick, that they have a disease, and that they can recover. I know people in AA who were forced to AA by the judge and they are sober today and still attend meetings for themselves.