barb dwyer

I can't go two days ... much less two weeks.

miss communicat

one of the best slogans for me is

"don't let the gifts of AA take you away from AA'.

St_Kurt

I think the crux of what was driving me nuts was the ridgidity I was experiencing when I went to meetings.

I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on who I am and the kinds of things I am likely to do and not do. The whole adding of "yet" on to everything that I haven't done for instance... Why "yet"? Maybe I really do have limits on what I'm willing to do for a drink as they affect my life, career, and sanity?

Months ago I threw an empty, sealed bottle of expensive vodka into a dumpster rather than drink it. This still comes up as a topic of conversation as to whether I intended to retrieve it later. That bottle of vodka is deep in some landfill somewhere! It's over! Yet, it is still brought up as like "an improper way" to have gone about getting rid of it because I haven't gotten to the point where I would dive into a dumpster yet, but maybe I would have and if I had, I could have retrieved it. The fact that I didn't doesn't even seem to matter.

Or the other night we had our big end of year vet school bar party and I didn't drive, but instead took the bus. A friend suggested that I had set up the whole evening so I could drink. He's probably right - my subconscious works exactly like this. I was about to get in my car, but when I heard the bus come around the corner, I thought "Hey! The bus!" and caught it instead. I have no doubt that somewhere deep in my brain "Hey! The bus!" translated to "Hey! Alcohol!"

At the bar someone bought me a drink and I actually tried it before thinking: "This tastes awful", "I'm really having a fine time with everyone sober", and "so why bother?" So I discreetly abandoned it and didn't think about it again.

Does the fact that I did this mean I'm not an alcoholic? I don't think so. It means that I made the right choice for me that evening. But people in AA I told about this freaked out - like I could have died or something. But really? Does being powerless over alcohol mean being powerless over the ability to make the right choices for yourself? Isn't that what leads people to recovery in the first place?

I think a little flexibility and I would have loved it. And maybe that's just here where I am now. I'm moving tomorrow for the entire summer - who knows what the meetings are like where I'll be. They could be really great and so I'll check it out because ... I'm flexible.

-e

tiburon88

IMO some people become addicted to meetings. If you have 10 years sobriety & the best you can do in life is attend meetings & quote the Big Book, you still got a problem. I suspect other members are jealous because you are in vet school and appear to have a bright future ahead of you. I've drank not going to meetings, attending meetings daily and attending meetings sporadically. lol So what do I know? But for me, I do NOT want to make AA my life. I want to use AA to get a life. I believe having a goal or purpose in life helps one stay sober. People tell me that I'm a winner if I just don't pick up for 24 hours. But ya know what? I'm better than that and want more out of life. I would rather have a good career, nice car & own a condo than a 10 year coin any day.

jbit

You haven't given AA a chance yet. You've gone to meetings ... but have you done service work? have you started working the steps and righting your wrongs? have you reached outside of your comfort zone to help another alcoholic in need? have you gotten honest with yourself that maybe your way of doing things is what landed you in the position you were in?

This is where the magic of AA starts to happen. You've got less than 60 days, things aren't supposed to make perfect sense yet. Real recovery takes time and effort. Give it some more time, you've got everything to gain and nothing to loose.

The only way to find out if the program really works .... IS TO REALLY WORK IT!!!!!! Until then its all speculation.

What ever path you choose, best of luck!

St_Kurt

Does bringing 3 people into the local rehabilitation facility for detox, creating flyers and websites for my homegroup, and helping organize an AA event count as service work? Because I've done those things through AA over the past 5 months and enjoyed them quite a bit.

And I'm working on my fourth step now - regardless of whether I attend meetings or not I still think the steps are valid and pretty cool.

-e

Taking5

Kurt,

Those all count as service work.

You might try a couple of things in regards to AA:
1) closed meetings
2) the earliest meeting possible, like 6 or 6:30am (if it fits your schedule)

In both of the above cases, IMHO you get less people who are sent there by a judge, a spouse or Sig Other, their employer, etc. You have more people there that want sobriety for themselves.

And BTW the 90 meetings in 90 days is the rehab industry people talking. The AA founders only had one meeting a week.

As big of an AA proponent as I am, I also realize that AA is not for everyone. If you need a meeting, or to talk to someone else in the program, by all means do so, AA isn't going anywhere. If you relapse we will still be here with open arms.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. It sounds to me like you are doing fine.

jbit

Of course those count (although you already know that). Its important work and that will help you stay sober if you keep at it, just like meetings will.

Debaucher

Some use AA to get sober...

Some need AA to stay sober...

Some use AA for spiritual growth...

Some folks just like AA

Some folks need to help alcoholics to stay sober

Some folks like to help other alcoholics and find it makes staying sober easier for them

Some folk have had the compulsion to drink completely lifted and just enjoy AA and enjoy helping other alcoholics.

Some folks are just afraid to not go...

etc... etc...

Signal30

When I first started AA, I questioned everything. Once I spent some time in the program, listened, and stopped "going against the grain", I learned that the program does work, if you work it.

One of the biggest shortcomings of most of us impatience. AA has taught me to truely take one day at a time.

My comment wasn't pointed directly at you Kurt. Just pitching in my personal expeirence.




Tom

St_Kurt

So, with finals over and now the big move to where I'll be working for the summer over as well, I decided to try going to some meetings in my new area.

I've attended three meetings, all at different times and at different clubs since Sunday - just to check things out. I haven't slept more than 2 hours a night since and like it was back home before I stopped going, I get this weird urge to jump up and run from the room during and/or crave alcohol afterwards.

I don't get it. It's a room full of people for an hour. I have no idea why meetings affect me this way. I've never been prone to anxiety attacks or fear of large groups or anything like that (and I don't think that's what it is anyway).

At all of the meetings I attended people had really interesting and insightful things to say so it's not like they were bad topics or anything. This is really discouraging and over the last few days it's made me want to give up altogether. (Not drink - when I don't go to meetings, I don't crave alcohol.)

~SK~

Tazman53

Kurt I have to say you are the first person in recovery that got a burning desire to drink from an AA meeting. Perhaps just working steps with a sponsor and doing things in AA other then meetings will get you through.

St_Kurt

Yeah. I don't get it either.

I started going to meetings in late December and around the second week of January I started keeping a journal. I started it for 2 reasons: the first was that people often said very cool or interesting things during meetings and I wanted a place to write them down and the second was that since my first sponsor experience was such a disaster, I kind of wanted to go sponsorless for a while, but I also wanted to keep myself honest. Having a book where I wrote down exactly what I was doing and feeling right then made it pretty hard to twist the past in hindsight.

I really like my "meeting journal" and its actually got multiple volumes now. Each one looks the same on the outside: the front says "cunning, baffling, powerful" and on the back there is a picture of a bottle of Stolichnaya.

The other night I started looking through all of them and noticed something: every AA meeting I've ever attended is in there with the date, place, and discussion topic listed. And I always write down a little something about how I feel about things during and after the meeting. I counted only 3 instances where I wrote - "this is a great meeting, I love it!" Nearly every other entry has a few excellent quotes from people along with my comments about if I don't sleep soon I'm going to have to stop coming to these things or something along those lines.

There are over a hundred entries since I attended a mimimum of 3 meetings a week and often more during my spring semester. I also have lists and these sort of self Q&A things that I like to do when I'm trying to solve a personal problem, all over the place where I'm trying to figure out how to make meetings a better experience.

I realized that even if it is a great meeting? If I'm sitting there stressing about when I'm going to get more than 2 hours of sleep, it's probably not doing me much good anyway.

So this has been going on for months and I don't know what to do - other than to stop going. I went yesterday again and the birds were singing when I finally fell asleep (and it was one of the three). My externship at the clinic starts on Monday and I really want to do well. I can't afford to mess up because AA makes my life unmanageable. I'm glad AA has been so life changing for so many and I'm sorry it can't be that way for me.

~SK~

came2believe

Maybe don't bring the journal with you next time? They say Keep It Simple...

Maybe drink some coffee and eat a cookie instead if you need to keep your hands busy.

Do you have a sponsor currently?

St_Kurt

I do have a sponsor. I'm working on my fourth step now. And I don't think the journal is a big distraction. I usually write the date and time and place and then leave it until either someone says something that jumps out at me or until after the meeting is over. It was just being able to look back and see the trend has gone on for months that surprised me.

And I just got a call from my summer externship place and they had to transfer me to a hospital that is over an hour from where I'm currently living. With a 2+ hour commute on top of 10 hour days - I don't see how I'll have time to do insomnia, I mean meetings.

I don't want to fall asleep behind the wheel or worse - at work.

Right now I feel like my best option is simply to take the summer off.

~SK~

miss communicat

actually, this happened to me at the beginning of going to AA meetings, too. I would feel anxious during it, and think of nothing but going and getting a glass/bottle of wine afterwards.

But, what got me past that was coming straight home, checking out SR, learning more about how it works, going back again and again, making a few connections, still coming to SR and learning more about how it works, ....until one day, I went to a meeting and, I left it feeling serene.

Its been awhile now, and the craving has never returned. I did learn that I have anxiety, and that was one reaason I drank in the first place. For me, smaller meetings are more comfortable.

GlassPrisoner

Every AA meeting I've ever been to lets out at 9:30 PM at the latest.

Well, my life was unmanageable too, but it was me that was causing it, not the meetings.

I'm, sorry the meetings don't work for you. Tell me, can you relate to anything anyone says ? Haven't you ever said to yourself "I've felt/acted/drank like that"? Do you see any similarity between yourself and the people in the rooms ? Have you introduced yourself ? Do you get there early, or stay late ?

One word of caution. If you're an alcoholic, and you don't put sobriety first, you won't have to worry about a career. There won't be one.....

St_Kurt

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And Yes.

I've made coffee, stayed and cleaned up afterwards. Talked to people. Gone out for coffee or pie with newer and/or older folks both before or after. I visited the local rehab facility with a friend and sat in on a meeting with people fresh out of detox and heard what it was like for them. I've done a lot of different things and got something out of all of it. Not relating is not my problem.

It's not so much the craving alcohol thing (because isn't that like, what alcoholics do?) but the insomnia that's bothering me. I wonder if morning and afternoon meetings would make a difference, but they haven't fit into my schedule because of school (and in my new area - there aren't any afternoon meetings!) so I've been stuck with evening meetings until I can stop having insomnia and hit a morning one. (But of course when the new job starts morning meetings will be out again because of when I'll have to leave for work.)

I think right now, this is what I have to do. For whatever reason, my life is way more unmanagable while going to AA than it ever was while I was drinking. I know it doesn't make sense, but then again I started going to AA not because I was having terrible problems, but because my drinking didn't make sense (the more I drank the better my grades) so there's a kind of symmetry to it.

I kind of feel like I'm letting everyone down, but I don't know how else to handle it. This is the first time I've feel sick and tired of being sick and tired and ... I'm really sick and tired of it.

Thanks for your support.
~SK~

chip

Hi Kurt,
You sound great, and you are doing very well with sobriety. Your sober time is a great accomplisment.

AA is there for people who want it. It can always be an option for you, if you wish to go back.

It sounds like this is stressful for you. If AA is stressing you out, look at how you can stop the stress. It might not be AA. It could be something else. Could it be Kurt is causing your problems with AA?

The most important thing is that you continue to move forward with your life. Posting on SR is a nice way to share with other alcoholics, without going to a meeting. Also, there are others here who stay sober without AA.

I say all this, but I found I need AA in my life. I don't believe it's the right road for everybody, but it works for millions of people who want to be a part of it.

If you believe you are a real alcoholic, you have a condition that will eventually lead to drinking again. There may be a time when you have no mental defense over drinking. It's times like that that AA saves alcoholics from regressing back to their alcoholic selves. This disease kills, and it's a tricky condition to manage alone. The AA program does work for other people.

I just hope you continue to stay sober. You are doing very well, and I'll bet your're kicking butt at school. I hope you'll keep AA as an option.
chip

CarolD

Whoa!...

For me....
I want you to find your way to a happy future!
Sounds like that is where you are headed.

Blessings