zJoe99

Recovery and AA is completely at odds with my personal view of the world and my philosophy. My brain wants to explode when sponsor preaches about "live and let live" and we are "all Gods children". I try to keep my trap shut but I want to strangle the SOB. I am sick of the syrupy platitudes spewed with such rote precision by indocrinated AA zombies.

I fuggin hate this crap. I hate democrats. I hate republicans. I hate my smarmy neo-con, corporate facist, greedy, materialistic ***** of a sponsor.

I freakin' hate my war mongering, egotistical, Zionist suck a$$ terrorist government that sucks me dry with taxes to pay for their endliess wars.

I hate my busy body, rumor mongering neighbors with their walnut sized brains and their constant nosy jabbering and intrusion into my personal affairs.

I hate my local police who beat the crap out of me and damaged my kidney by sinking their Nazi jack boots into my back while I was handcuffed in their drunk tank.

I especially hate your fugly, snot nosed ******** kids who vandlized my truck.

But, most of all, I hate myself... I hate how alcohol and drugs has dehumanized and humilated me to the point that I willingly submit myself to complete morons who claim a little sobriety. I hate how I comprimise my personal beliefs to twist my addicted mind into an AA aproved template. I make myself sick seeking the approval of people I don't even like.

This, my friends, is an unpleasant but real snapshot of my fugly brain. I hate my world and distrust my God. I keep going back to AA in an effort to save my life. But, frankly I feel like a fraud and a hypocrite. I just mouth the AA cliches 'cause, well, thats how its done. But I'm losing the faith... Deep down I don't believe.

Don't hate the hater, y'all. I am what I am and this is my journey. I'm sure some of you think I suck and are offended by my spew. Nevertheless, this is the creature I am and all I have to work with.

BP44

I remember feeling that way. Wow, that was a bad place to be in. I felt that way when I went through my first treatment in 91, and then again during all of 2005 after coming back from a nasty relapse. I just hated life. The most costly thing i lost during my relapse was self respect. I had gained many things in sobriety. Everything I had lost and then some. And I didn't have the usual consequences this last time out...but it cost me. Physically, mentally emotionally.....all of the basics. I almost didn't make it back. Took me 2 years to start going to meetings again I was so pissed off. See, I'm a resistant alcoholic. But by God I'm willing now. I do not want to die of this disease and I'm convinced I will without real recovery. I'm really involved now. Sticking real close to a home group. Willing to work with a sponsor and be honest with them. Doing some service work. Life is having some purpose again. Sometimes I have to read the promises. I have seen people that all of them have come true. And some of them have come true for me too, but I want all of them and the only way is to move forward and do the work that has been suggested to me so many times. Keep coming back bro. It gets better. Miracles are happening. I've been on some vacation time this week. Normally I'd be on a major binge. Today I'm sober. If that ain't a friggen miracle I don't know what is

GlassPrisoner

Yup, been there done that. I wasn't in AA, but on a dry drunk. It's almost as bad as it was at the end of my drinking. Well, no, nothings that bad....

Let me tell you something, The Promises come true if you stick it out and follow the suggestions. Work it, and maybe God will cut you a break and give you a little Grace. I know the cliches suck when your knee deep in s**t, but This To Shall Pass



I can honestly say, my whole attitude and outlook on life has changed.

TINLIZZY

Hi zJoe -

Welcome to SR. I can relate to some of what you said. It's hard some times. I've been sober for just over a month and, like you, struggle sometimes. I went to a meeting last night and everyone was talking about "giving up" their stresses to God. I had no idea what they were talking about!! But, they were all sober for much longer than I and looked serene and peaceful as they talked about "giving it up".

For now, I think that I will continue to listen, follow directions, and keep going to meetings. It seems to be working.

TinLizzy

SaTiT

yep, been there and done that too...
You left out the ex-wife tho..I freaken really hated that B..b..b
Last but not least, the old man up stars or whatever the hell you
can him...i really ,really hated the sob.
Whatever..i guess god beliving in me and i guess you can call that grace.

Just wait til your soponsor tell ya , you should forgive everyone.
You'll defernently hate that...
He 'll rub it in even more and piont out that you should forgive yourself too..
You'll reallt love that...lol

Steve58

Hey zjoe,

Sorry you are having a tough time of it. About all I can offer.

Your rant is welcome, if it makes you feel better to get it out. Reminds me of that George Strait song, "I hate everything"

You wanna get even with all of them, be happy! Show the Bas@#$%@s that your winning!

Take Care,
S

zJoe99

Thanks for the replys. Thats an ugly post and I wish I hadn't written it. I guess I was just trying to vent my pent up resentments. It would probably be better If addressed my issues in private with my sponsor as part of my step work.

Today is day 1 for me again. Day 1's really suck and I hope I never have to do another one. I don't know whats worse; the physical sickness or the mental anguish. Knowing I've done this to myself just intensifies my pain. I may have a disease but it is my responsibility to treat it.

Now I have to drag my sick body and my bag of resentments back to AA and start over again. AA seemed to keep me sober when I was attending meetings. Most of the time anyway. When I stopped going to meetings it stopped working. No big surprise there, eh?

I really hate the fact that I have to make treating my alcoholism my daily priority EVERY DAY. I wish I could just take a vacation from my disease and immerse myself in work or my hobbies. That is obviously not possible for an alcoholic of my type. My twisted mind will sneak up on me when I least expect it and con me into taking a drink. Considering the kind of fiend I turn into when I'm using - I can't afford even one relapse.

parentrecovers

welcome to day one, zjoe. glad you're heading back to meetings. blessings, k

BP44

Welcome back!!! I'll never forget what my very first sponsor told me....If you've been sober 24 hours, you can tell the newcomer the next day how you did it. It may be as simple as don't drink and go to a meeting. That was a revelation to me. Immediately uselessness went away. That was the first promise I received. Many of us have relapsed. Like I said, I almost didn't make it back. The reality is AA is a soft place to land. I went to a noon meeting today, and the topic was gratitude. Most all of us are lucky to be alive. I know I should have been dead long ago. But God has a plan. I'm convinced of that. And starting over isn't all that bad. I'm working on my first step AGAIN. With a sponsor. Novel idea!!! The past couple of days I've really been looking at unmanageability.....what a painful mess. But here's the thing. I'm bound and determined to do what I'm told this time. No more of, " I feel better I guess I can go now" type of crap....or "thanks for the education, I think I'll go on my merry way and work the steps as I see fit." This alcoholic needs guidance and direction. Otherwise, I die. Hope this helps. Keep coming back.

Tazman53

zJoe you want to hear something funny? Some how I don't think you will find it funny right now, but man I loved that first rant of yours in that thread, because it reminded me of 2 guys I know in AA right now, one of them has 21 years and the other has 10 years sobriety.

Angry at the world they said once they finally figured out they could not drink safely any more. In both of them you can see for some reason how angry they were at one time.

I have heard the one with 10 years full story when he was a speaker at one of our speakers meeting. I swear as he was sharing what he was like before you could sense the violence and hatred this man was capable of, there are very few people that I have ever felt fearful of in my life, but as he shared this part of his story I thought to myself "Good Lord, thank you for not letting me have to deal with him then.

Then he reached the part of finally realizing he could not drink safely any more and after detox the military made him go to AA. Good night, you could cut the air with the hatred he spoke of! Your tirade was actually kind of mild in comparison.

The rest of his story was quite spectacular, he said he finally surrendered, he said it was weird, but once he simply accepted the fact that he was an alcoholic and he could not change that things changed quickly, it took him almost a year of AA meetings before he reached that point, he said that most folks in AA were scared to talk to him before that, he said he soon got a sponsor similar to himself (When the sponsor first came to AA), and said it all just seemed to come together.

zJoe I can not explain it, but some how I really feel that one day like him something it going to click inside of you and the hatred and rage will just go POOF into thin air and the serenity you seek will come.

Your second post said a lot about you, you want it, I really feel you are going to get it.... you might have to work your arse off to get it, but it will come. Here is another one of those stupid sounding AA cliches, just make your self every morning say a prayer to anything with more power then you and ask for help in making it. No more no less until one day you feel like more.

We will love you until you can love your self.

Rella927

(((Hugs JOE))))) Glad you made it back!

Peter

I've been in that place too Zoe. I've felt like blowing up a few churches in my lifetime .I remember there used to be a lady at meetings who just emanated love and tranquility and when she spoke I wanted to puke. I do not resent you for venting how you feel.

I kept going to meetings because i had no place left to go.It was only after I began to realize that everybody there understood exactly how I felt that I began to accept their love. I think i stayed about three weeks before i was able to talk with a newcomer that told me that something I shared during the meeting really helped them to feel better.The realization that I could somehow be of some use to another suffering alcoholic made me forget about my rage.

Don't give up on yourself and whether you realize it or not somewhere out there may be a newcomer who is depending on you to stay sober.

Astro

God never gives us more than we can handle. Man I hated hearing that one. But after two years sober and two times in recovery when I wanted to commit suicide, I can honestly say that it's true. It really does get better, usually when we think it can't get any worse. Hang in there.

teej

get a diff sponsor man! That simple. You need to pick one that YOU and HIM have similarities.

best

I only have one question.... Are you still sober?

If so there is one point in life you can learn to be grateful about.

Yes a day will come that you realize your choice to stay sober is a good thing.
Answers do come with time.

chrisj728

urite joe, loved the spew it certainly struck a cord with me, sh!t I used to feel the same way to about AA. I had my fair share of resentments with many peeps within the rooms. But I kept going back untill one night I heard " to thine own self be true " and that summed up my whole failing, cuz I'd always lied to myself about drink and the twisted out look on life it gave me. Those simple words gave me direction and hope and i've got 131 days behind me now just because I refuse to lie anymore.
So keep going back till you hear your questions answered.

chris

leviathon

way to spew! I have been there... those first days after slipping, that bites the big one. finally one day you get to the point where you go, what's the point, I'll just have another of those guilt ridden mornings and have to start all over, it is just easier not to drink, thanks but no thanks... LOL

Levi