Debaucher

OH... I want a beer...
I can see it...
I can smell it...
I can feel the frosty glass in my hand...

Oh... You know you want to...
Not just one... I want to drink I want to get drunk...
1st one straight... 2nd one with two shakes (salt)...
keep them coming... I'm just getting started...

I am not running from a problem... I am not celebrating anything...
I am not hiding from anything... I just want to drink and get drunk...

I want to drink alone... I want to drink with a friend...
I want vodka on the rocks... Kettle one... SToli... and Chopin mmm...

oh... not today though... today I am not in the mood for vodka... I want beer...

Cheap @Ss bud light... from the draft... in a frosty brutus...

...


--------- Sorry folks... I'm in no danger of actually doing it... unless I ignore it... the thing is... I know I am ravenously hungry for it... if I started there wouldn't be any stopping... at least not volutarily... -------

I'll stay busy at work today... go home see the kids.. and go to a meeting... I definitely need to go to a meeting tonight...

Why this happens is beyond me... here I am cruising along... doing great... (no depression which rocks).. and I start really think on my 5th step and them whamo... I get this craving for beer? WTF...


Thanks for listening folks...

chip

Debacher-
It's no surprise that you have these feelings. If you are an alcholic, this is very normal. The important thing is how you deal with it.

Going to a meeting, staying sober for today, going to a meeting, seeing your kids, and going to a meeting are great ideas.

Don't deveop these thoughts into an actual fantasy. Kill the thought as soon as it comes in your head. You may not be able to control the first thought, but you can control your second thought.

I hope you can stay sober. This craving will pass....
chip

Rowan

Debaucher,

Thanks for your honesty. Play the tape all the way to the end - remember where the drink takes us. I'm with Chip. Kill that thought. Burn it, stomp on it, throw it over a bridge but get rid of it.

parentrecovers

rant away...we're listening. k

Tazman53

LOL Debaucher I am not laughing at you brother, I am laughing at how many things alcoholics have in common, especially in early recovery!!!

The first time I went over to my sponsors to start working on the steps I step out my front door walking to my truck the thought popped into my head "Oh man, I better stop and get a 12 pack to take over there!" What the hell???? Just old king alcohol screaming at me reminding me he still wants me back and that I am doing the right thing by going to AA and working the steps!

The feelings are normal, it is your disease talking to you, it is hurting right now and every time you take another step to kick its butt it screams in agaony trying to get you to have just that one little drink...... it won't hurt, you have done well, what harm will one drink have?

Man trust me you are not alone!!!! I still have those moments, I just started to work on step 9, I have fleeting thoughts of a drink every now and then, but I just blow it off now, it was hard real early on. Funny thing, every time now I get ready to make an amends that old feeling will pop back into my head, but I toss it out and make my amends, with every amends I make old king alcohols voice gets weaker!

teej

Debacher,
My craving didnt pass and now my every thought is consumed with failure. Trying to get back up there on the wagon where you are is a real biotch. Dont drink, you'll be happy for it.

Astro

Mmmm. Beer. It's getting so hot in Phoenix, a frosty 12-pack would be heavenly, that ice cold fluid running down my throat. Yep, even Miller High Life would be good if it's really cold.

Then I could abuse my kids, lie to everyone I know, **** off my friends, aggravate my co-workers, give up two years of sobriety, ruin more relationships, drive drunk and endanger everyone else on the road, take it out on the dog, and lose every single one of the friendships that I've come to treasure and cherish in sobriety.

Suddenly that beer doesn't taste so good, the vodka's even worse. In fact just the thought of it gives me a crappy taste in my mouth. No thanks.

(good to know you were in no danger of actually doing it;-)

Sugah

I remember a day last summer...kind of like today, with clear skies, mild mid-seventy degree temperatures, and I'm getting out of my truck at the grocery store. There was a song on the radio before I shut the truck off....Boys of Summer, I think, by Don Henley. Used to remind me of this sweet young man I walked away from because I was too much of a boozer and I knew I'd ruin his life. And I'm just stretching my leg out of the truck door, just about making contact with the pavement in the parking lot..............

...........and I could taste Miller Genuine Draft. Not just beer, but that beer specifically. I could taste it, smell it, feel it going down my throat. I chuckled a little bit. It tasted like ****, actually, but it appealed to me the same way those old tacky blue suede cowboy boots I practically lived in for a couple of years appeal to me.

It took a long while to get from the place where those sensory memories triggered an "oh, that's what I used to do" response instead of a "I wanna get back there NOW" kind of thought.

You're sober. You made it through. Some people say they never have the temptation again, but just like I can hear the football crowd and see the stadium lights when I smell burning leaves, I wonder if there's anyone who hasn't had those thoughts. Mine was triggered, I think, by a unique mix of the weather, the music on the radio, and the fact that I always ended my grocery store trips with a stop at the six-pack place or the liquor store. I can't control what's on the radio or fear listening to it (gee, that would be awful!) on nice days when I need to pick up milk on the way home. So, chances are, the right mix will happen again.

Go to that meeting, my friend. Have faith that work on your spiritual condition will lead you to a place where the thought won't lead you to the obsession. Obviously, you've made progress, or you'd be drunk by now, right?

Thank you for sharing...I needed to hear it today.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Debaucher

lol... astro... you know sometimes I feel like that cartoon with the angel on one sholder and the devil on the other... except... my angel is a sarcastic SOB...

Except my angel isn't sarcastic enough to suggest that miller High life tastes good no matter how cold it is... lol... that being said I would buy it when going to a byob party because I was sure nobody would drink MY BEERS... lol...

I don't think I want to stop the thought... I think I want to not turn it into a fantasy... and I don't want to replay it... but I also don't want to run from my feelings and seek out a way to repress them...

OK.... So what you stupid booze hound (talking to self)... you want a beer... good you admitted it... so are you going to drink a beer or not?


I was listening to music here and Garth Brooks, "Every now and then" came up in the shuffle... a line struck me...

"I Love my Life... and I'd never trade between what you and me had and the life I've made"
.....
"and every once in a while I think about you"

---


I don't want that depression back... I'm going to be selfish a bit... forget the kids and wife... and friends for a minute... I don't want the depression... I don't want to bi-polar like ups and downs... I don't want the depression...

ok... and me being selfish a bit again... I want my wife to like me... I want the joy of reading books to my children... I want the joy of them looking at me the way little girls look at their Daddy's and asking me to play with them...

What do I have to do to get those things...
Don't drink... and as an added bonus... no shakes... no hangovers...

hmm... it feels better to just admin I want the beer but am choosing not to have it than to fight the though...

oh well...

Astro

Well, I have to be realistic and admit that I blew it when it came to the wife, she had enough of me after 11 years, but I've got a beautiful girlfriend who likes me pretty well when I manage to behave myself and keep my alcoholic thinking to a dull roar.

And when it comes to my children, I thank God for the gift of their love, laughter, and smiles, and for giving me the chance to be a decent father. I wouldn't trade this life for anything in a bottle, no way.

Debaucher

urg... craving is beginning to pass...

Tazman53

You know I went to a meeting a few weeks back and sat next to a guy who had a few, smelled like bourbon, which when drinking hard stuff was my drink, I was rather surprised that it smells that bad on ones breath! LOL I was sitting there thinking man I would have swore that would have made me crave a drink, but it actually did the opposite.

Debaucher keep working those steps, keep thinking about how nice it is that you can come home and kiss her with out her looking at you with that "Damn you.... drinking again" look. Pick up one of those kids book and feel the joy in sitting with your child and readin it.

Anna

Good work Debaucher, you made it.

CarolD

I choose to stay out of alcohol depression
and into the joy of recovery....

No matter what!

Toomutch

Debaucher,

I can so relate. I cant leave my house without thinking of stoping off a the liquor store for just a little something.

Was out in my little convertable today (a beautiful day in Colorado); feeling as free as a bird; and then the craving hit.

Devil on my shoulder saying "this day would be even nicer with a glass of wine or a lemon drop martini".

I am happy to say that the devel lost this battle...

I hope you make it to your meeting tonight.

~Toomutch

GlassPrisoner

Debaucher

Update... went home... wife could sense it... she said to me... (it always cracks me up when she says it too)...

"You got ants in your pants again, don't you?"

I just nodded...

and duh... smack yourself in the forehead... what does she say... ???

"Why don't you go to that Wed. Night BB meeting you like."

WOW!

So I went to the meeting and came home feeling great! By the time I got to the meeting the urg to drink had completely passed... I did some reading in the BB before the meeting and it really was a good discussion...

Another day... and today... I made the decision when I got up that I am going to be sober... and I am going to be happy!

THANKS ALL!!!!

NoelleR

Righton Debaucher ----

Ain't if funny that the simplest solution somehow slips our grasp at times....lol

You said it: "...Another day... and today... I made the decision when I got up that I am going to be sober... and I am going to be happy!..."

Boy howdy, do you got dat right.....So many folks think that 'things' or 'situations' or 'people' MAKE them happy.....BUT u gottit right.....happiness is a decision, and you made it at the best possible time.....when got up........now, you may have to continue re-making that decision throughout the day, but happy you can be.....I've been happy for quite some time....some folks even think I'm a bit silly.....ah well....poor them with their turned-down mouths and wrinkles brows, I'll just continue skipping throughout the grocery store, riding my cart (I keep asking mothers if they'll push me if I can sit in their cart with their child, but they just laugh at me).....LOL


Have a great (HAPPY) day,

NoelleR
DOS: 6/23/86

Debaucher

Hey... NoelleR... here is a cool thing I am sure you know but I just feel like saying it... the big book tells me that I can restart my day if I want to... so if for some strange reason my day starts off on the wrong foot... JUST START OVER!

;-)

Tazman53

Folks I absolutely love threads like this, this sings all the virtues of sobriety along with a great deal of joy. This is what AA has brought us, it is so simple to not drink, sit around all day and be miserable thinking about that drink, but the 12 steps of AA if we are willing to work them and try to the best of our ability live them makes it to where we think to our selfs "Why in the world would I want a drink to where I would screw up being happy, joyous and free?"

So many folks out there trying to battle this damn beast all by their selfs with pure will power fight going to AA so hard! I sure did, I was miserable as hell when I was not drinking, why in the hell would I want to go into a room full of other miserable SOBs just like me! Man even though I was drunk on my arse the first AA meeting I went to I was mystified as to how in the world these guys could be laughing and joking around and not drinking.

Years later when I went again..... first night of detox.... they had me full of some type of dope to where I could hold a cup of coffee in my hands with out shaking it all over the floor, these clowns were still laughing and joking around and theyy actually made me feel welcome...... kind of like they were glad to have me or something!