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AA Bullies

Old 04-28-2007, 04:43 PM
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AA Bullies

Hello everyone, I was wondering what the best way to deal with UNWANTED help/advice from AA group members. I understand, they're trying to help but sometimes I don't want their phone numbers, AA bad life to good life story, and/or how long they have been sober. How do I handle these uncomfortable situations? My most hated AA meeting questions are, do you have a sponser and/or what step are you on? This is how the "bullies" usually approach me at first. I find that 20% of the time I leave a meeting feeling worse than when I walked in.
Thanx For Listening
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Old 04-28-2007, 05:00 PM
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Tib:

The alkies are just following the principal of their recovery and

what AA has taugh them....

that working with another alcoholic keeps them sober.....

12th Step daily basis...

You do not have to accept ANYONE'S phone number.....

Tell them what you told us here....maybe you just want to

listen and learn...you might ask share this...

It is your recovery....

Love,



Sherry
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Old 04-28-2007, 05:25 PM
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Just tell them no. Eventually they will leave you alone.
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Old 04-28-2007, 05:37 PM
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Hi tibb,

There was an old timmer guy, that just wanted to give me all
kinds of advice. Then a nice lady pull me aside oneday and
gave me a piece of advice,she said ....

"listen young man...the next time someone start getting
in your face and start giving you stuff ....
(S@*&%t...were her exact words) you can say this
to them without making an arss of yourself.....
** thank you for caring....screw you for sharing }"
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Old 04-28-2007, 06:20 PM
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Yep SaTiT....

An (old) old timer told me once after I had relapsed and came

back... "honey..when you go in there and if anyone calls you a

rubber band or a yoyo....tell em' thanks for caring and screw

you for sharing..)

During the meeting...I got a few mild chastisements..like

"I would relapse too if I didn't go to a meeting every day.."

I stood up, pointed to old Al and said "He told me to tell you...

thank you all for caring and screw you for sharing..."

The house broke up...everyone had a grand time in the meeting

after that....Gee..I sure miss old Al.....he's in heaven playing slot

machines with old Frank.

Love,



Sherry

He said "Honey,
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Old 04-28-2007, 06:20 PM
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Tiburon,

I want to share what works for me because I care. I don't think people are trying to bully you. Maybe they are just trying to make conversation. I don't know.

I do know that there are all kinds of people in AA some I like alot and some I don't. There are about 50 AA meetings per day in my city and they are all different. I have asked around and found the best one's for me.

Even if I don't care for the speaker or the people, I always here something shared that enlightens me and I never leave without feeling better than when I walked in.
I always try to have an open mind and listen for something I need to here.

Maybe you could try some different meetings. I can't remember ever being asked questions aoubt my sponsor or anything else.

Good luck in your sobriety.

Carol
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Old 04-28-2007, 07:00 PM
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I am sorry you are feeling bullied...sometimes it really does seem that way. I wish I could give you some sound advice...but I am feeling unusually Surly tonight and any advice I give right now might get you in trouble.

You can always tell them you are working on step one and yes you have a sponsor, which is a good thing, becuase after talking to them you will need to talk to someone sane!!! (see..I should have left after the first paragraph, please forgive me)

Cathy...AKA: SRH
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Old 04-28-2007, 07:23 PM
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At tonight's meeting, a girl was there who has recently come back after a long relapse. I don't know her very well but talked to her for a while, and I did ask her if she had a sponsor. I would never have pushed myself on her as one, nor would I get in her face if she didn't have one. I was just asking because I cared about her, and didn't want to see her go back out and suffer again.
But - some people certainly are very 'in your face' with their opinions/suggestions and I wouldn't like that either.
I'm surly tonight too - very disruptive meeting tonight - lots of people chattering to themselves, laughing and carrying on while others' were sharing - I find that very disrespectful. urgh.
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Old 04-28-2007, 09:24 PM
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I find that amusing, "thanks for caring, screw your sharing." The "bullies" I referred to are the "in your face type ones." I admit though I am overly sensitive, I always have been. I think it's because I look so young and that I share from the heart that I attract extra help.
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Old 04-28-2007, 09:39 PM
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yeah, there are some

there are some bullies ... but for the most part, people are well-intentioned, i think.

however, i ran into a few people who rubbed me the wrong way ... people who tried to trump me by claiming to have a worse addiction, or better coping skills, or more dedication, etc. people who tended to try to make me feel guilty. but this is human nature.

overall, the only thing that eventually turned me off from meetings is that i didn't really need them. in the end, they did not help me any more than staying extremely busy did - in fact, staying busy helped a lot more and in a lot more areas than just staying clean.

so, that's what i did.

hang in there - you may really need the meetings, and in time, they may help. but if you can do it without the meetings, then that's fine, too.

good luck
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Old 04-28-2007, 09:44 PM
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Tiburon,
I've always been sensitive to older guys telling me what to do. One of my major resentments is against authority. I hate unsolicited advice, especially if I feel I'm being looked down upon.

I know that I am often over sensitive to stuff like this. I know that sometimes I mis-interpret other people's attempts at helping me. My fear, pride and selfishness can really get in the way of me relating to others in AA. I also have a chronic problem of isolating myself.

There are bullies in AA, just as there are in all other parts of society. I have a hard time figuring out when I'm being bullied or if I'm being parinoid.

I guess all we can do is take the good stuff and leave the bad stuff.

Just don't let anyone take your seat away, or stop you from recovery. I'm glad you can get this out in the forum. SR is a great place to vent.
chip
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Old 04-29-2007, 09:14 AM
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Alcoholics?!?!? Sensitive ?!?!? No Way !! Get out of here !!!!

Yeah, it sounds like they're just trying to help dude. If you're like I was, you're isolating, judgmental and think you know everything and don't need any advice or help.

I had to get beaten up pretty badly before I actually asked for help.

Try to put that aside and keep going. When you're at meetings, Listen ! Not for the differences, but the similarities. I guarantee you'll hear your story.
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Old 04-29-2007, 09:22 AM
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Hi,

I agree with what Glass Prisoner said. Most at meetings really are trying to help..

My favorite saying?

"Take what you need, and leave the rest."
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Old 04-29-2007, 10:37 AM
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You know I thought there were a bunch of bully punks when I first got into the rooms, I was 52 years old and had what I considered kids at the time telling me to do this and do that!!! Who the hell did they think they were? I was an adult before a lot of them were born!

Funny thing, as time passed, I started really working the steps with a sponsor, all of a sudden those damn young punks that were pushing me around telling me what to do, turned into people that I had respect for because they know a whole lot more about getting and staying sober then I do/did. They were not pushing me around at all, they were trying to help me and I was so full of myself I foolishly thought they were bullying me.

One guy about 35 just came across to me an egotistical know it all, macho man when I first came into the rooms shared something in a meeting when I was about 4-5 months sober and it just clicked with me, he was a little rough around the edges, but he had about 6 years of sobriety and what had me thinking he was a jerk know it all turned out to be him sharing what I had been like.

I went up to him after that meeting and made amends with him for thinking he was a jerk! He looked at me kind of odd and said "Man you do not owe me an apology, I see me in you, and I know where you are coming from!" We are good friends now and I get a lot out of his shares.

I do not even want to think what I would have been like when I was in my 20's if I had been in the rooms then! I would have been busting some old timer up side the head if he had suggested a damn thing to me! How dare any one tell me what to do!! Obviously they do not know who I am!!!

For this alkie even though I was commited to following directions when I went into the rooms I had a darn tough time mentally not telling some folks where to go, now I love them to death because all they were doing was trying to help me, I was just to full of myself at the time to see it.
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Old 04-29-2007, 12:00 PM
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There are some people who I simply cannot stand in the rooms of AA. I have, in the past, wish relapse on them. I know thats pretty sick. I say that I don't care what people think about me, but in reality, I do care very much. I sometimes focus on the negative things in the program. However, I don't live in la la land and have seen some crazy things in the rooms. As some of you guys can imagine, I drive my sponser nuts.
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Old 04-29-2007, 01:04 PM
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you don't have to like everybody in AA
you don't have to agree with everyone in AA
you don't have to bend over backwards to be accepted
you don't have to sit next to anyone.

another tool passed on to me
{if you like me great, if you don't oh feaken well}
don't fix me...I've had enough of people fixing me.

Nope..i don't live in la..la ..land with everybody singing cumbaya either.

However..through the rooms of AA I learn realisticly
Things i can apply in my life...
hell no, i don't like everybody in the world....and please don't stand so close to me.
when some jerk gets in my face..I'll tell them to go to hell.
I don't go around bending over backwards just so I can fit in.
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Old 04-29-2007, 01:07 PM
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I know exactlt what you mean. And i still dont have a sponsor or have not even attempted to do the steps.

But to succeed you have to get a sponsor its so so important and do the steps.

They talk about their success stories cause they are so so proud , they changed their life and they feel great.

They are not bullies, they just did it and it worked and they are passing it on to you.

Keep the faith.
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Old 04-29-2007, 02:00 PM
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Welcome rabye !

They talk about their success stories cause they are so so proud
Close rabye, grateful is the approriate word.

We also try to practice humilty. Pride doesn't mix well with an Alkie.
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Old 04-29-2007, 02:15 PM
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Welcome to the forum, Rabye.
chip
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Old 04-29-2007, 06:58 PM
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I have seen some bullies in AA over time. There was a man in meetings that just did not seem to like me at all, and whenever I shared, he would seem to almost mock what I had shared. I actually moved away from that town for 5 YEARS, then moved back to town and the very first meeting I saw him at he made a sarcastic remark to me. I just said "Oh hi ---" and gave him a big hug. I think it kind of caught him off guard, but to me it was just funny because I'd been gone so long and the first time I saw him he acted this way to me, proving that it hadn't just been my imagination, lol.

The only time I've ever confronted someone about their conduct to me was after being crossed talked ridiculously in the middle of a meeting. I always looked really young and at the time I was several years sober and I went up to the guy afterward and told him how I felt about his behavior and he apologized, sincerely. After that I was better able to let things go. If someone asks me if I have a sponsor and what step I'm on, if I didn't care to answer I would just say "you first" and then find out who their sponsor is and what step they are working on.

I have to say though, having just gotten out of a mess, even the worst folks in the rooms, including xxx that I referred to above, I know they loved me and they wanted me to stay sober and continue to heal. Even if they didn't like my personality, we shared that common bond. I've just been through a painful, awful mess with people assassinating my character, in a non-recovery setting, and lying and back-stabbing and all of that, and nothing I've ever encountered in AA comes close to that. There may be petty resentments but nothing that comes close to the viciousness and vindictiveness I've just experienced. And I have to say that if I ever encountered that somewhere in AA I would remove myself from that particular group and find a healthier one.

I can also echo everything that Chip said. When I made my resentment list for my first fourth step I was really surprised to see written beside so many names on there, "tried to make me look stupid". It was embarassing how many people I had serious resentment against just for that, or my perception that they were mocking me. Part of it has to do with my being an aspie and easily tricked and fooled, and part has to do with my emotionally abusive background, but my speakers are turned way up to that kind of thing from other people, whether it is intended or not.
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