Hazel

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to get something off my chest and am hoping some can relate.

Why is it, the further into recovery I get, there begins to be niggling 'doubts' in my mind, that "I don't have a problem" ??? What's up with that?

I dunno, I think my mind is working against me or something. I know with all my heart that I am an alcoholic. From working step one, I know and accept that I am powerless ~ and it's become obvious over time that my life is unmanageable. Rationally, I should know that in my head too, right? My heart wants to stay sober, but I'm not sure that my mind agrees! It's like fighting an internal battle or something. I wonder if it's because I'm used to drinking to cover feelings/deal with situations etc, and now I'm trying to do things differently ~ so much so, my mind is throwing a wobbler and saying "nooo, you can't handle this!" Then again, I wonder if this is, in some respects, "normal".

I'm only eight days sober, so I know there's a long way to go and that I need to give this process time. But I've been through this before and it's probably one of the reasons I drank again after three months c&s...but I wasn't attending AA or working any kind of a program back then. Now that I am, I was kinda hoping this wouldn't happen.

Is this something everyone goes through in early recovery? It's really driving me nuts and I can see clearly how easily it can become so very dangerous if we actually start listening. And that's what I'm afraid of! I just don't know how to deal with it ~ I'm reading the BB and taking it steady; removing myself from situations that trigger etc. Next AA meeting is tomorrow...I'm counting the very seconds! Folk tell me that it gets easier with time, and I do have a tendancy to over-analyse and complicate things. Is it really that simple, that it'll just get easier the longer I'm sober? I hope so!

Sorry if this is disjointed and waffly, I really need more coffee.

Thanks and love to all,
-Hazel

Anna

I think it is something that most people go through.

It is your 'addict voice' talking to you. It sees that it's losing its power over you and that's why it's talking more and louder. It doesn't want to give up without a fight. It will try to manipulate your thinking. Recognizing this addict voice and dealing with it as such, was a huge step for me.

parentrecovers

hazel, your posts are so great. i'm glad you're here. please let us know how your next meeting goes? blessings, k

Missymae737

Hi,

Yes, it has happened to me, mostly early in recovery...I try to think back to the destruction alcohol has caused in my life...This has helped me...

I have found that the longer I am sober, those feelings of doubt become less and less.

Good day to you...

Tazman53

Hazel the more meetings you go to the more you will hear that what you are going through right now is perfectly normal, before I reached the point of HAVING to drink every day, I would go for a week without a drink and my head would say "Dude you got this licked, you have it under control now, you deserve a drink so I would buy a 6 pack, which of course once I drank one I would kill the 6, the wife didn't say anything so I figured "Hey a 6 pack a day isn't a problem, so of course to save money I would buy a 12 pack!

Well the 12 pack resulted in me drinking 7-8 a day, then 9-10, then I started back buying it by the case to save money, I always wound up right back where I had left off plus more!

Early in recovery those thoughts come up quite often which is one reason you will hear folks say the most dnagerous place for them to be is "in thier head"! Why? hell the commitee meets in your head, they all start talking about how you do not have a problem and start naming things that prove it!!!

There are plenty of folks that go 5 years and a whole lot more sober that quit going to meetings, quit living and working the steps, and slowly start to lose conscience contact with their HP. At this point that commitees chair person (thier HP) is pushed aside and their disease retakes the chair persons seat and starts a whole new meeting with the primary subject being "You are not an alcoholic, you went (Name a number) years without a drink, you can now drink like a normal person!" A month later they find them selfs trying to make up for all the lost time drinking.

There was a guy in the rooms of Fredericksburg that had 25 years sober who decided he could now drink like a normal person, he was dead 3 years later.

In order to make sure the commitee in your head has the right chair person one needs to keep up with the steps and meetings. I know some old timers who still do at least a meeting a day, others do 1 a week, I have cut back to 4 a week and am doing fine, but on occasion if the commitee starts thinking bad thoughts I go to one that evening.

Hazel if you are an alcoholic like me what you are going through is normal.

Mercedes1

it does get better but it is not just time..it is facing time. What helped me is saying out loud how your life is so unmanageable. In the beginning I would rattle off a few bad experiences then cover it up with emotional "experiences" of how it was good. FACING this made me realize there was no good..only experiences of a tempory high, that never lasted and if it wasn't so much the outward trouble that found me when i drank it was the mental and emotional destruction that was worse..

Say outloud the unmanageability...ie. obsessing with drinking or not drinking 24/7...leaving my daughter on a Sunday evening (alone) or dragging her around town with me to find a alchohol store open past 6p..., analyzing every event, meeting, time if it had alchohol, the endless nights waking up at 2:00a (logging in to my computer to see who I called or emailed and what damage I had to face with that)...then only to freak out that I didn't remember the outcome, avoiding people because I had no idea what happened when I last was with them when I drank, never knowing if it would actually be "just a couple glasses of wine" with dinner, never being sure of myself the next relationship that the alchohol was going to make an ass of me sooner or later. The countless broken relationships..disappointments, horrors, depression, unfathomable situations I would put myself in...sexual, embarrasments, humilations. Yes, my life was under control????????

people that don't have a problem don't "wonder" if they do. Got it? Thanks

Slowbriety

the longer you are in recovery the more narrow the path gets.

SaTiT

"play the tape til the end"
a slogon somebody made up.

ItsAllUpToMe

I like this statement. After I've been sober a couple weeks I always start thinking the same thing. I hope I can finally shut the voice up and have a great tape to play...

Dee74

Hazel

the little voice telling me 'hey, it's cool, you can control this now, man !" has stuffed me up for 15 years...cos it always led me back to square one where, of course, I couldn't control my drinking, and the whole damn spiral started again...I think it's normal...for me, it was about not wanting to have 'a problem', and wanting to be 'just like everyone else' who can 'enjoy' the 'odd drink'

I'm learning, I'm trying, to recognise that the 'little voice' is a BIG LIE.

D

Peter

I believe I crossed over a line into alcoholic drinking and I can never go back.

If I were to take a drink today after ten years sober my craving for it will return as if it never went away.

A connection has been made in my brain that can never be "unconnected".

(Just my own views. I have no intention of writing a book or anything)

It took upwards of three years for that little voice in my head telling me that I can have a drink to finally shut the F*** up and even today if I am not careful and I allow my spiritual energy to wane it will be shouting at me like a drill seargant.

Hezel it may be a while yet before that voice goes away.Just continue to do the things you know you should be doing.

Pilgrim

Hi Hazel,

Thanks for posting this. I am 4 days sober after my last round on the outside. Taz - thanks again for a reply that I can use today to stay sober. The committee is my head that analyses everything and comes up with an alcoholic decision is there and waiting. I am not the chairperson. I have to remember that.

I found another post useful which I am going to try to find and copy into this post.... hang on a minute.....Woops - got sidetracked by some great posts. Here is what I was looking for. Its from Groucho (Tim)

"Alcoholics brains' have two halves. One half creates bullhocky and the other half believes it

My sponsor loves that analogy.

Everyone has two sides to their brain. A left side and a right side.

Now the left side controls our emotions, our artistic and musical and abstract thought.

The right side is our analytical side, the side that controls math, accounting, logic, etc.

The alcoholic brain is just a little bit dirrerent. One side creates bull$***, and the other half believes it!

I can stop anytime [BULL] / I believe it!

I am fine [BULL] / I believe it!

I will be fine if I stay home today instead of going to a meeting [BULL] / I believe it!

I really like the parachute one too, you don't HAVE to pull the ripcord (drumroll please) [BULL] / I believe it! Bada Boom!

Ted"

Thanks Ted. x
__________________

fraankie

it gets easier over time
to begin with
you are attempting a major life change
"to stop drinking alchol"
think about it
something that has been a part of life
ever since aunt millie rubbed a little scotch on your gums when you were teething
then not to mention the adverisement blitz
tv, newspapers, billboards with 20 foot bottles of heiniken
i still remember that heiniken on 6th ave and 14th street in new york
and then the glorification of alcohol
when you mom gave you a sip of champagne at your cousins wedding
after the toast
etc, etc, etc
so it takes a major commitment to give it up
and
to break what is basically a bad habit

feel good, drink,
feel bad, drink
feel beteer, drink
it's raining, drink
the sun is shining, drink,
you're drinking, drink some more

but
it took about 5 years,
to get over the obsession
where
i'm not scared to go to a social event
where there might be alcohol,
where
i can past the beer section in the supermarket,
oh, i don't think of picking up that half "full" bottle of bud

you answered it yourself in your post
"............now I'm trying to do things differently ....."
that's something i still do today
even if i notice i take the 7:45 pm bus or tain to the meeting
hey, do things different
take the 7:30 pm bus and help out tonight

the best thing you are doing is sharing about it
if anything, you have helped me
cause that's what i'm gonna do tonight
take the 7:30 pm bus and help out tonight



best
fraankie

Rowan

Good stuff, Fraankie.

IO Storm

I went into full blown denial the first 5 times "in".

I fooled myself into actually believing I was not alcoholic....

Just with an alcoholic..

Just treated unfairly...

Just cheated on....

Just a weedhead.....

Just anxious........

This was after 2 rehabs!

The last relapse was without denial...I deliberately set out

to destroy myself....

Almost a year clean and sober now...

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if

I had not listened to the cunning seductive voices

of denial.

But I have today....and am grateful I know and recognize

that evil, corrupt, nasty, hellish voice.

Love,



Sherry

leviathon

Hey Hazel,

Yes this is normal. It is part of the diseased mind trying to convince you that you don't have a problem. I remember reading a book that identified it as the "addict voice". Thereafter I treated these thoughts as separate and distinct thoughts and gave them a specific voice in my head (sorta like talking to yourself, only in this scenario, you actually answer!). I began to identify them and single them out.

At times I used them simply as a cue to remind me when I was feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired and stressed (HALTS). At other times I actually proactively argued with the voice... for me it was driving in my jeep with the tunes up so people thought I was singing along rather than talking to myself. It actually helped... I'd have outright arguments with the "voice" during some of these drives. Other times I just listened to what it wanted and then rationally reminded myself why all those things were really bad. I found the "voice" faded over time, now it is a fleeting thought from time to time when something is really bothering me. Again, I use it as a reminder that something is up and I need to deal with it.

Hope that helps.

Levi

parentrecovers

thanks. i keep coming back here. this is a great post. i learn so much from all of you. k

c'est la vie

hazel, i'm going through the same thing right now. i've been on the wagon, off the wagon, on the wagon, off the wagon - not slips (imo) all conscious choices based on the belief that I was fine and could manage things this time, that I'd learned something to make me stronger or whatever. I don't have any suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that it sounds like others go through it too. I wish there was some magic to make it stop because it's beginning to make me feel a bit crazy.

Levi has some good advice - instead of listening and agreeing with the voice, use it as a signal to reach out since something is out of balance in you.

Mercedes1

......I use it as a reminder that something is up and I need to deal with it. ....

This is EXACTLY why you have these cravings and EXACTLY how to react to it....

This is called sobriety and if you act in this way...your will have a full life. The cravings will become less and less a concern and more a passing thought.

GrouchoTheCat

I was one of those who was sober a little over 5 years, and my disease told me that, hey maybe I'm not an alkie, etc , etc.

Just like Taz talked about.

In my case it led me to drink and be miserable for another 10 years.

Constant vigilance is the price we pay (to be sober happy and free).

Ted