TouchTheMirror

Well, I'm up to my old tricks again. *sigh*

Hiding beer in the garage, the gunroom, and every other place that my wife doesn't go. I'm sneaking drinks out of her wine bottle in the fridge when I'm out of beer. When she leaves to go to the store, I watch her pull out of the driveway and immediately pop a can open. I got up at 6am on Saturday and went downstairs and had two beers before she even woke up. Jump on the ATV and head down to the creek where I have warm beer stashed and I can just sit for a half hour, soaking up the sun and drinking them as fast as they will go down. Sacrificing income by leaving work early so I can get home first and have two or three beers whithout her knowing. Sneaking into the pantry and taking a few swigs off the vodka bottle that has been "topped off" with water so many times by me in the past to hide the missing liquid....heck, there's hardly any vodka left in there - it's mostly water now! Taking garbage bags to work with me so she won't see how many empty cans are in it. Trying to drink just enough while she's gone so that I won't be slurring my speech when she returns. Losing respect for myself every morning when I wake up and can't even remember what she fixed for supper last night. Not having sex for two weeks becuse I've been too drunk at night to get it up........

I know that was a hugely disjointed run-on paragraph there, but that's how my life feels right now. I feel like such a liar and a fake. Nobody at work would ever guess that I'm a boozer. Even our friends have no idea because I don't drink to excess around them. It's pretty bad when you PREFER to drink alone.

My wife knows that I'm drinking again, but she doesn't know how much. Sometimes she'll ask how many beers I've had that day and of course I'll say "Oh, four or five" even though it's been eight or nine. The scary part is that my tolerance is increasing. What seven or eight beers used to do, now I need ten or eleven to get done.

My main triggers are weekends and Tuesdays (my extra day off). I'm trying to think of things that I can busy myself with tomorrow so I won't drink. I'm purposely not doing much at work today so that I'll have to come back tomorrow and complete it. How sick is THAT?

I'm tired of disrespecting my wonderful wife by sneaking around behind her back like a deviant adulterer. She deserves so much better than that. I feel like a criminal every time I drink when she's not around.

But the bitch of it is this: I LOVE THE STUFF!!! I don't know any other way to effectively deal with my anxiety; booze covers it up for a while and I feel good when I'm drunk. I'm not anxious or stressed when I'm drunk.

I want to be done with it, but I worry that I just love the F'ing stuff too much to say goodbye to it. I've scheduled an appointment with the Dr. to discuss my anxiety and see if there's a medication that can help balance me out. If I had less anxiety I know I wouldn't feel the need to drink so much, so I'm hopeful of finding help there. The thing is, I don't really have anything to be stressed out about! I've been high-strung my whole life and only now am I acknowledging that this anxiety level is beyond normal and needs to be addressed.

Holy heck, this post is all over the place, isn't it? That was a big, stinky mental dump I just took! I guess I needed to write these random things down in order to admit to myself that there's a problem or two in my life. Thanks for listening.

Tim

Rusty Zipper

tim, i dont know you from a hole in the wall... just happened upon your dump...

what i do know... yep, relate to that... then... no amount could get me to where i wanted or thought i needed to be... it was exausting trying to keep up the pace...

i know, your a brother that would like to crawl out of the abys of alcoholism...

i thought i loved it.. it was it saying i loved it... had me by the ankels... filled my every thought... decission, reaction, and how my day would go...

grow some real balls... surender to it.. work some kind of recovery program... and watch your life get better...

and i aint beat'n you up... it took me over 18 years to grow my balls... lol

good wishes Tim...

xxoo, rz

parentrecovers

i really appreciate your honesty, tim. and i'm sorry that you are struggling. this is a tough disease.

will you talk with your doctor about the alcohol use?

blessings, and don't lose hope - k

Rowan

"I want to be done with it, but I worry that I just love the F'ing stuff too much to say goodbye to it. I've scheduled an appointment with the Dr. to discuss my anxiety and see if there's a medication that can help balance me out. If I had less anxiety I know I wouldn't feel the need to drink so much, so I'm hopeful of finding help there. The thing is, I don't really have anything to be stressed out about! I've been high-strung my whole life and only now am I acknowledging that this anxiety level is beyond normal and needs to be addressed."

Hi Tim,
This is what stuck out for me - I didn't want to quit drinking either so I had my doc prescribe benzos (think valium) for anxiety to take the edge off. Soon I was double-dosing AND drinking with them.
If you are an alcoholic like me, there is no magic pill. I had to give both up (booze and pills), start going to AA meetings, and ask for help in staying sober a day at a time.
I used to love booze, too. But not the b.s. that came rolling downhill soon after.

I'm glad you're here and hope you decide to get sober.

Rowan

TouchTheMirror

Thanks all.

Tazman53

TTM man you are sounding like my identical twin except my boozing was done while driving and in the garage! It gets worse, that 10-12 is going to quit cutting the mustard, what comes next is more and more every day until it quits working!!!

After it quits working, after a while for me one day I could not drink enough to even get a buzz, then the next day I could only drink 6-7 and I was slurring my speech, no real buzz, just a miserable drunk.

I can only tell you what worked for me, but it will only work if you work at it, in other words you have to want it!

I put myself into detox to where I could get my head clear enough to think, once my head kind of started to clear I was told if I wanted to stay sober go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

I will tell you right now that nothing is going to work until you are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober.

TMT I know exactly where you are at right now, I have been there and done that, I never want to be like that again, I am free and happy now, thanks to me being willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober. For me that was AA, there are other programs, but like I have said before, none of them will work unless you work them.

Missymae737

TTM,

Thanks for sharing,

I learned that I am not the only one that tried to hide my drinking from everyone...The ways we created to KEEP our secret, seem so bizarre and embarrassing...It shows us just how far we into addiction...

The flip side is we don't have to live like that anymore...We can free ourselves from addiction. Every sober day I have, I gain strength and the chains of guilt, lesson with each passing day.

We are happy you are here Tim, keep posting...

queenteree

Tim,
You sound just like my husband, hiding the empties, sneaking the drinks, wife asking how many you had, your answer to that, etc. Sounds just like my life. Only my husband isn't tired of disrespecting me and he also doesn't want to stop. By his own admission, he loves beer too much. By admitting you have a problem and wanting to correct it (and at least giving it your best shot), I commend you. Taz is right, you should try detox and then rehab. My husband did that 18 years ago and actually was sober for over 14 years (until a shoulder injury), so it can be done. Remember, only you can make it happen, and you won't be sorry you did. It can only go up from here.

QT

TINLIZZY

Hi TTM -

Welcome to SR. Your post has a lot of me in it. I too tried to hide my drinking, stashing bottles here and there, sneaking, lying, etc. It's no fun, embarrasing, and no way to live.

I have 19 days sober and have never felt better. I have the support of my family, my sponsor, and several AA groups. And, I have far, far less anxiety than when I was drinking, just after 19 days.

It can be done!!

TinLizzy

Nuclerosis

Same here. I'm currently hiding empty bottles of vodka in my cupboard because I don't want my housemates to find out that I'm an alcoholic. Recently I've taken to lying and saying that I'm "ill" because I passed out in the middle of the afternoon.

mama2sunshine

hi
I'm new here too and I just want to say thank you for your post. You sound like my partner and even though it sounds like you are going through hell I like what you said about being sorry that you are disrespecting you wife. I often feels that my partner just doesn't give a **** about me and that's why he drinks but your post made me understand his point of view a bit. thanks.

Nuudawn

Hello TTM,
Loving the stuff...hmmm..yes I remember when I felt that way. Turns out my alcoholism appeared to be the only "love" relationship I was capable of...my comfort, my best friend, my consoler and I'd sacrifice just about anything to worship at its altar. For 20 years booze was my only true commitment...never carried any career, person, place or thing for anywhere near that stretch..nowhere near. I was a physical and emotional gypsy.

It was an insanely selfish and immature relationship...chipping away at my heart and soul until all I wanted to do was die. In the end, I even felt abandoned by alchohol...didn't work anymore...for all the time, effort, waste, sacrifice and self abuse...it left me...like everything I left in my wake..for alcohol.

My devotion was shameless. It disgusts me.

Sorry..I've depressed myself. It is only in sobriety I realize the foolish lying selfish coward I was.

fraankie

"............Nobody at work would ever guess that I'm a boozer................"
"............but she doesn't know how much. ..................."

yeah, man
you are the man
well,
let me fill you in

the whole gosh dawn world knows you are drinking
know why your friends aren't calling
"oh, he's drunk"
your wife probably only asks how much beer you drinking to make conversation
then when you answer "4"
she triples it
not too many invites for the ol' family sunday dinner, i bet
"oh, don't call,
he'll be drunk by the 2nd course

only trying to let you know
you're the only one who thinks you are fooling everyone else

go to AA


best
fraankie

GrouchoTheCat

Tim,

Man what an enormous amount of work it was to drink.

You really reminded me. Smuggling out the emptys, hiding booze everywhere.

It was like having 2 full time jobs just to drink the way I wanted to.

Anyhow, I'm 5 months sober now and much happier.

For me it was detox and then AA.

Ted

Kellye C

TTM, thank you for reminding me of where I came from. God what a nightmare it was, sneaking the bottles in the house in my purse, sneaking the empty back out the next morning. Trying to "create" enough trash to where I could throw the bottle in a plastic bag and dump it in a convenience store trashcan or God forbid, throw it in the trunk of the car. All of the sudden, there's 10 bottles back there buried and I'm praying nobody needs to get in my trunk. Every morning started out either still drunk, hungover as h*ll or worst of all sober enough to where I was shaking all over the place. I felt like I was truly in hell and could not find my way out.

As hopeless as it may seem at the moment, you don't have to live like that. You can get sober. I won't lie and say it's easy. I think it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But the results are so worth it. Not having the shaking, puking, miserable, sneaking, lying, soul-sick life I had before is worth the price.

When you get ready know that we're here for you but I also highly suggest in person support as well whether it be detox, rehab, meetings, or all of the above. That face to face support was priceless, IMHO.

Hugs,
Kellye

Pilgrim

Hi Tim,

The goal I have at the moment is not to quit drinking. It is to learn how to live sober. I, like you, drink to ease my anxiety and fear. It is my comfort and crutch.

Except that it put me in hell even worse than I was in before. I know now that I can comfort myself another way. There is another way. I don't have to go back to my pre-drinking life either.

Join me starting on a new road- take my hand. We can talk to each other while we walk and when we get tired, there will be someone to stop and make us a cup of tea. The support is amazing when we decide we don't want to live this way any more.

SR and AA are my new family and I needed one so bad.

The evidence that we can be happy and not drink is at AA. At any meeting I see the evidence that we can live sober - happily and with joy. I believe in that now.

When I first came here I was told that "we will be waiting and we will love you until you learn to love yourself". That meant a lot to me so I am saying the same thing to you now Tim.

leviathon

TTM, do you really think with all that boozing that your friends, etc., don't have a clue? You gotta be kidding yourself here buddy.

The stuff oozes out of your pores, it is on your breath, your eyes and complexion reflect it, your thinking is slower and more muddled, etc.

Despite what your addiction is telling you (i.e. no one really knows), I would bet a great deal of people know. Unfortunately, only a few will call you on your BS. Take this as a wake up call, you can try to BS yourself, but you are not BS'ing those of us that have been there.

Trust me, others know far more than you realize.

Instead of trying to find things to keep you busy so that you can avoid drinking, why don't you take your problem in hand and attend a meeting? Maybe it is time to stop running from your problem and to face it.

Peace, Levi

GlassPrisoner

Awww, come on Levi, you though you were getting away with it too. I know I did.

Hey TT, Welcome ! We've all been there, done that. Don't feel like you're the only one.

The good news is there IS a way out. Some will argue more than one. Personally, I found recovery in the rooms of AA.

Anxiety was my issue too. I found that anxiety completely dissapeared from my life 99.9% of the time after I quit drinking and had some sobreity (maybe 90 days in). It'll be ROUGH at first, but it's worth it.

queenteree

I just want to say Fraankie, you said it best. My husband thinks nobody knows - they all know, work, friends, family, etc. And you're right, we don't get invites to ANYTHING anymore and once in a while, one of his friends may call out of obligation cause he hasn't spoken to him in like 6 mos. My husband has lost most of his friends (except drinking buddies), his kids (they don't come over or invite us over much anymore), almost his job and pretty soon his wife. The only reason I'm not outta here yet is because at my age, I don't want to struggle financially. And it's a shame because I really do love the guy. Tim, if you truly feel this way and love yourself and your wife, please try to make a go of it. You won't regret it.

Graham Serious

Hey, I am the same as you.

If I have friends around, no problem I can control my drinking.

If it's just my wife, I wait until she sleeps, and then I get stuck into it.

I wake up before she does, I get stuck into it, the fall asleep about an hour later in a stupor.

Before I do it though I drink about 200mls of lemon juice and my booze breath is gone.

It is not fair to your wife to live this way.

You are being cruel to yourself by continuing the charade