the carrott and the stick
let it grow!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
the carrott and the stick
we met with my daughter's lawyer last night - she, my husband, and i - concerning 2nd dui. cold hard facts - she has closed the door on her choices with the judge. now, the stick. her 7 months of recovery will not be the discussion - her month of relapse will. she is at the punitive stage with the legal system.
looking at court ordered rehab, a loss of job, and a stiff probation period, major fines above her means, at best. her history and where she is at in recovery tells us - prepare for jail time in the upcoming months. 1 violation of probation = wkend jail time. 2 violations or more arrest = minimum 364 days in county jail.
bad decisions = less choices. when she gets in front in front of judge, it's not going to be what she's done right, but what she's done wrong that they will decide on.
her response - full blown relapse.
prayers, please. don't understatement the consequences of this disease. for anyone who is on the fence - learn from this experience.
k
looking at court ordered rehab, a loss of job, and a stiff probation period, major fines above her means, at best. her history and where she is at in recovery tells us - prepare for jail time in the upcoming months. 1 violation of probation = wkend jail time. 2 violations or more arrest = minimum 364 days in county jail.
bad decisions = less choices. when she gets in front in front of judge, it's not going to be what she's done right, but what she's done wrong that they will decide on.
her response - full blown relapse.
prayers, please. don't understatement the consequences of this disease. for anyone who is on the fence - learn from this experience.
k
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I am sorry.
Addicts understand very few life coping skills besides drugs and alcohol and sometimes the more difficult life becomes is the more they turn to their source of release.
My own recovery only began when I came to understand that there were other ways of coping with life through building friendships and trust and being of service to other suffering people. By being able to speak honestly and freely about my feelings without fear of judgement or ridicule. Through Humility and Courage and the inescapable fact that no matter how difficult life becomes the sun will shine again someday.
Change has to come from within our thinking and the way we feel about life.
Everyday I have to make an important choice in my life. "To drink or not to drink"
I choose "not to drink" because I was willing to open up my mind and allow others to show me that there was "a better way" and only when I have something to compare can I look back at my using days and say "no more"
I wish you the very best for you and daughter.Take care of yourself and know that only your daughter can make that one crucial decision to recover. You and I can only be supporters in the stands.
Addicts understand very few life coping skills besides drugs and alcohol and sometimes the more difficult life becomes is the more they turn to their source of release.
My own recovery only began when I came to understand that there were other ways of coping with life through building friendships and trust and being of service to other suffering people. By being able to speak honestly and freely about my feelings without fear of judgement or ridicule. Through Humility and Courage and the inescapable fact that no matter how difficult life becomes the sun will shine again someday.
Change has to come from within our thinking and the way we feel about life.
Everyday I have to make an important choice in my life. "To drink or not to drink"
I choose "not to drink" because I was willing to open up my mind and allow others to show me that there was "a better way" and only when I have something to compare can I look back at my using days and say "no more"
I wish you the very best for you and daughter.Take care of yourself and know that only your daughter can make that one crucial decision to recover. You and I can only be supporters in the stands.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upper Kolobia
Posts: 153
I Wish You Well . . .
And I trust you'll try a few small steps toward letting go and learning how to be good to yourself.
It'll feel funny, but as my old sponsor said, "The best way to be good to someone else is to be good to yourself."
Alas, it takes what it takes . . .
Now here's a success story. A couple of weeks ago, I watched an old friend get nine months . . .
After 20 years of hanging around, in and out . . . I know on that one, because I watched her . . .
I found this site because I was involved in another recovery program, and some trollish sorts were blasting AA and 12-Step Programs (that program was entirely different than recovery from addictions and involved a religious cult, and I sometimes spoke of alcoholism because some had issues in that area).
One of the charges they tossed was the recrimination that AA members "weren't nice or supportive" to those who relapsed . . .
I've kind of slipped into agnosticism of late, but I swear this gal was channeling God's voice on this one . . .
She commented that she'd even been helped by those who shook their heads and avoided her during her struggles . . . And she noted that she didn't change her crummy behaviors without consequences, and seeing people back away who'd cared about her was one of those consequences . . .
It'll feel funny, but as my old sponsor said, "The best way to be good to someone else is to be good to yourself."
Alas, it takes what it takes . . .
Now here's a success story. A couple of weeks ago, I watched an old friend get nine months . . .
After 20 years of hanging around, in and out . . . I know on that one, because I watched her . . .
I found this site because I was involved in another recovery program, and some trollish sorts were blasting AA and 12-Step Programs (that program was entirely different than recovery from addictions and involved a religious cult, and I sometimes spoke of alcoholism because some had issues in that area).
One of the charges they tossed was the recrimination that AA members "weren't nice or supportive" to those who relapsed . . .
I've kind of slipped into agnosticism of late, but I swear this gal was channeling God's voice on this one . . .
She commented that she'd even been helped by those who shook their heads and avoided her during her struggles . . . And she noted that she didn't change her crummy behaviors without consequences, and seeing people back away who'd cared about her was one of those consequences . . .
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,348
Originally Posted by parentrecovers 
she' going to be given another lesson. i pray for her humility and gratefulness.
k
k
as someone's who's had quite a few 'lessons'...I'm hopeful they're finally starting to 'stick'...I hope the same for you daughter real soon...
my thoughts and support go to you both
D
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
*prayers*
Reading your post reminded me that it's 'easier' to be an alcoholic sometimes, than it is to be the one *watching* or *loving* an alcoholic.
It made me wonder how many *watched* or *loved* me; and I never knew
what I was doing to them.
Please keep in mind as well that nothing if 'finished' (at least as far as I can determine from your post) and HP works ... as HP works.
There is always hope.
Just because it's daytime - doesn't mean the stars aren't still there....
Thank you for this ...
Reading your post reminded me that it's 'easier' to be an alcoholic sometimes, than it is to be the one *watching* or *loving* an alcoholic.
It made me wonder how many *watched* or *loved* me; and I never knew
what I was doing to them.
Please keep in mind as well that nothing if 'finished' (at least as far as I can determine from your post) and HP works ... as HP works.
There is always hope.
Just because it's daytime - doesn't mean the stars aren't still there....
Thank you for this ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: SAN DIEGO, CA
Posts: 379
Parrent -
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how difficult it is to watch your child struggle.
As others have said, make sure to take care of yourself!
My prayers are with you and yours.
TinLizzy
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how difficult it is to watch your child struggle.
As others have said, make sure to take care of yourself!
My prayers are with you and yours.
TinLizzy
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
That probably would of been my response also. "Well, I'm going to jail anyways," screw it! That's how a lot of us cope. I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but frequently the court system is designed to punish, not help the offender. I assume she is not dealing with a felony and that's a good thing. The deeper one gets into trouble with the law, probation ect.. , the harder it is to get out. They say addiction lead to jails, institution,
and/or death but you know that sometimes we just stop caring. I hope you're daughter is not like I was (and sometimes still) am and accepted those things and still used! Best of luck to you and her.
and/or death but you know that sometimes we just stop caring. I hope you're daughter is not like I was (and sometimes still) am and accepted those things and still used! Best of luck to you and her.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
PR my heart goes out to you, your family and your daughter, the courts bent over backwards for her, she started off well from what you have shared with us, I wish I could suggest something to you, but you know as well as I do that she has sadly made a very messy bed that now she will have to lie in.
Is she at home now? When does she go back to court?
PR you know you and your whole family are in my prayers, the toughest part as an innocent victim of this has to be knowing that doing nothing to help them out of the hole they have dug for them selves is the best thing to do.
My wife held my half of the marriage up for years and it was not until she made me start dealing alone with my issues that I finally did what I needed to do to get sober. I got sober with out her assistance in any manner except her encouragement and love.
That was the best thing for me, if she had continued to support me in my drinking I would still be drinking.
I pray my daughter in law does not have to go through this with my son, but all we can do is pray for him.
PR please do what is needed to keep you as #1, I know that flys in the face of being a parent, but sadly she has to want it and the only way she will ever want it is when it is her choice and no one elses.
Is she at home now? When does she go back to court?
PR you know you and your whole family are in my prayers, the toughest part as an innocent victim of this has to be knowing that doing nothing to help them out of the hole they have dug for them selves is the best thing to do.
My wife held my half of the marriage up for years and it was not until she made me start dealing alone with my issues that I finally did what I needed to do to get sober. I got sober with out her assistance in any manner except her encouragement and love.
That was the best thing for me, if she had continued to support me in my drinking I would still be drinking.
I pray my daughter in law does not have to go through this with my son, but all we can do is pray for him.
PR please do what is needed to keep you as #1, I know that flys in the face of being a parent, but sadly she has to want it and the only way she will ever want it is when it is her choice and no one elses.
let it grow!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
thanks, everyone. final courtdate is may 30th. my husband and i wish it was sooner. she's home, well - in and out. we have put in deadbolts and the doors get bolted now at our agreed curfew - which she continues to dismiss. i helps us though- my husband and i are able to get some sleep.
you guys are great. i'm heading to alanon..
blessings, k
you guys are great. i'm heading to alanon..
blessings, k
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
K, beginning with your first post here & continuing on while I read the whole thread, I prayed for your daughter. I will continue to remember her in my prayers this evening.
I have a friend who's in her early thirties and who's just entered rehab for the fifth time. She has a young son who's never seen his mother sober for more than a few months at a time. This woman has had two DUI's and never suffered a consequence -- no jail time; I have no idea how other than her father is influential in this town, and he's paid all her fines and court costs, so she's never felt the financial pinch. Her ex-husband will come take her son from her for short periods, but as soon as she has a week or two sober under her belt, he caves and gives him back. He's never challenged her in court, even after her first DUI when her son was with her (and somehow, family services never got involved...Dad pulling strings again? Don't know)
Bottom line is that she's never had to face what your daughter has. I love this young woman. She has much to offer the world. I pray that your daughter and my friend both find what they need to make a decision, and I pray that it's not necessary that they be bitten too hard for that to happen.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I have a friend who's in her early thirties and who's just entered rehab for the fifth time. She has a young son who's never seen his mother sober for more than a few months at a time. This woman has had two DUI's and never suffered a consequence -- no jail time; I have no idea how other than her father is influential in this town, and he's paid all her fines and court costs, so she's never felt the financial pinch. Her ex-husband will come take her son from her for short periods, but as soon as she has a week or two sober under her belt, he caves and gives him back. He's never challenged her in court, even after her first DUI when her son was with her (and somehow, family services never got involved...Dad pulling strings again? Don't know)
Bottom line is that she's never had to face what your daughter has. I love this young woman. She has much to offer the world. I pray that your daughter and my friend both find what they need to make a decision, and I pray that it's not necessary that they be bitten too hard for that to happen.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Originally Posted by parentrecovers
we met with my daughter's lawyer last night - she, my husband, and i - concerning 2nd dui. cold hard facts - she has closed the door on her choices with the judge. now, the stick. her 7 months of recovery will not be the discussion - her month of relapse will. she is at the punitive stage with the legal system.
looking at court ordered rehab, a loss of job, and a stiff probation period, major fines above her means, at best. her history and where she is at in recovery tells us - prepare for jail time in the upcoming months. 1 violation of probation = wkend jail time. 2 violations or more arrest = minimum 364 days in county jail.
bad decisions = less choices. when she gets in front in front of judge, it's not going to be what she's done right, but what she's done wrong that they will decide on.
her response - full blown relapse.
prayers, please. don't understatement the consequences of this disease. for anyone who is on the fence - learn from this experience.
k
looking at court ordered rehab, a loss of job, and a stiff probation period, major fines above her means, at best. her history and where she is at in recovery tells us - prepare for jail time in the upcoming months. 1 violation of probation = wkend jail time. 2 violations or more arrest = minimum 364 days in county jail.
bad decisions = less choices. when she gets in front in front of judge, it's not going to be what she's done right, but what she's done wrong that they will decide on.
her response - full blown relapse.
prayers, please. don't understatement the consequences of this disease. for anyone who is on the fence - learn from this experience.
k
would take the sorrow away. What kills me and quite a few specialist about addiction, It's classified as a disease, but the treatment centers are kicking them out for a lapse, I'm not making excuses for her, but it infuriates me that the person is kicked out of treatment programs for their very disease.
It's absurd, can you imagine any other person being kicked out of treatment for relapsing back into cancer, or someone with major depression walking into therapy one day and saying, I don't understand it, I'm in treatment for depression, but I still feel like commiting suicide. What would we do, we would put them in the hospital immediately for intensive treatment. Not say, sorry, we have to kick you out, you blew it.
Expecially when we look at children, we as a society can do better.
I hope things work out for you K, my thoughts and prayers are with you
hope3
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