Chabroso

I had my last drink on 18th Decamber 1981 and I have a situation I cannot handle tonight... I can't cope, I really can't do it. I don't know what to do except drink or die. I think I would rather die.

Please God, Please forum members help me not to pick up a drink.....at the moment can't see any other way out of my pain.
WTF has hapened to me that I've lost my way? Why am I thinking about drinking now.

barb dwyer

Hey Chabroso -

Are you still there?

You're not alone, hon; we're here.

Others will be along in a bit, I'm sure.
Do you want to post about it, feel free to PM me if you prefer.

Hang in there!
barb

Chabroso

Yes, I'm still here. I can't bear it and I can't post about it. It would seem to stupid for words to others who are battling. But I can't take it.

Chabroso

Yes, I am alone. There's no doubt that, I've aways known that.
I can't do it this time. At least I've had a snatch at what normal life is like and I am grateful and thankful. I wish that all can experience something like the fantastic 26 alcohol free years I have been granted through the grace of my god and my own hard work. Now I no longer care what happens to me.
I was born alone, an only child, orphaned early in life. I've always been alone. No one is interested and no one cares. So what's new?

Anna

You're not alone, I'm here. How can I help?

Pilgrim

Hi Chabroso

I know the feeling of being alone like that. It goes very very deep. It is a trigger for me to drink.

I had some sober time behind me - not much but enough for me to get a glimpse. I drank from loneliness. It didn't help and now I am going through some terrifying withdrawals.

Can you remember why you stopped and can you remember how drinking made things worse and not better. Please stay here and tell us more. I am here - holding your hand sister.

Love and hugs

laurie6781

Hey Chabroso hang in there.

My DOS is June 7, 1981 and yes this almost 26 years has had some ups and downs but is much much better than the 24 years I was out practicing my affliction.

Now, I went through what you are now going through at about 9 years sober. I just knew I couldn't stand it any longer, that 'they' would have to lock me up in a padded room, or I could drink and die.

Instead, some of the folks in the fellowship of AA helped me find an excellent pysch Dr. who had worked with and helped many in recovery. After having a complete physical, which she insisted on, and finding some chemical imbalance in me, we really got to work. It took some years of therapy and some years of trial and error literally to find the anti D that worked for me.

Not one of the anti D's ever made me feel high or off in the head. The one that does work for me, just takes the deep depression away. I know when I am sad, or angry etc and have the impetus to work through the 'bad times' instead of wallowing in them.

You know Chabroso, that the incidents of chronic depression and/or bi polar (used to be called manic depression) are much higher among alkies and addicts than in the general population. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking professional help.

And if finances are a problem, do some calling around, many therapists have a 'sliding scale' fee system, based on an individual's financial situation.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

Chabroso

Thank you for comforting me. I don't I have ever felt so alone in my life until now. There's nothing left.....nothing. No one, nothing. Nobody cares, nothing matters. The whole thing is about nothing.

Pilgrim

What is nothing? What happened? Please talk to us. We can make it through together. Here is something you wrote in June 2005. I want you to hang in there. Please tell us what is going on.

"I also have often wondered if I am really an alcoholic. I came to the decision that it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I do not like my loss of control if I take a drink. I do not want to go where alcohol takes me. Maybe where I am sometimes is not the best place to be but it sure is better than where I was when I was drinking.

I have been sober for a number of years now and I still know without a doubt that I do not want alcohol ruining my life the way it did when I was drinking.

Pilgrim

I know where you are. I was there a week ago. I know you have God in your life. I read some of your posts. God is sitting right next to you. Can you see him?

GrouchoTheCat

There was a time that I decided to die.

I was alone driving a car (drunk).

I remember pressing my right foot to the floorboards and holding it there.

I hit the gardrail at 110 mph.

The car exploded and rolled over and over and caught on fire.

By the grace of god I did not kill or injure anyone and I walked away with minor cuts.

Today I am sober. Maybe not as long as you. I know what it is to be alone.

The hand of AA is there for you.

Call someone. I know you have numbers.

We care, and so do your friends in AA.

If you don't tell someone what is going on with you they can't help.

So make that call. You know what to do.

(((HUGS)))

Ted

Chabroso

Thank you Laurie. I don't think I'm suffering from depression. I'm normally ok what whatever life throws my way. I had to give up something, (a living being) that I loved with all my heart and soul today. I'm suffering grief I guess and not handling it very well at all. My grief is dark and all encompassing. I feel as though I have lost a large part of the spiritual side of who and what I am.

Pilgrim

Chabroso

Thanks to all for listening to me rant and wallow in self pity. Your replies to me make me feel I am acknowledged as a person and that people here care, they really care.
I'm so glad I came onto this forum tonight. I was in trouble.
It will all be ok as long as I don't pick up a drink. It isn't good but it won't get worse as long as I don't drink. I am indebted to you.

Pilgrim

We do care and I am very pleased you came here too.

Anna

Grief and loss and terribly difficult emotions to get through. But, you can get through it and you'll find lots of support here. We do understand.

Chabroso

Yes Anna, I can see that the folk on this forum do indeed understand. It amazes me every time I see the compassion and empathy shown by fellow alcoholics to those of us who are in crisis.

Thanks to all here who have helped me through this crisis tonight. It will be ok and I will deal with it. I don't need to pick up a drink. I needed the strength of you all because I don't think I could have gone it alone.

Missymae737

Hi,

Your post touched painful areas in my heart...Like so many other people, I too have felt so alone...Total void of nothingness...

My thoughts are with you...You will be ok...

Love and peace...

Golfman

Chabroso,

I'm so grateful that you shared you sorrow with us. I'm so sorry you have lost a loved one. As you know though, the answer lies in the support you have here and in your own support group, whatever it may be. My sobriety date is
6-8-86. I have been where you are. I have felt so alone that I just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide.

Now I have found I have so many good friends here and in AA. In fact, the friend that I confide in the most and who I love so dearly is half a world away. But it doesn't matter, this friend and I are connected at the hip with a love that runs so deeply that it will never be broken.

We will be that for you if you'd like. Stay with us as "we trudge the road to happy destiny."

Sending you a hug,
Ed

miss communicat

Dear Chabroso,

There is so much beautiful life in your feelings, such fullness even though it hurts.

You are acknowledged and loved, always. This SR community of souls as well as the fellowship of AA are unified in one intention: to help you.

We are grateful for the opportunity to be of service to your sobriety.

Please stick around and keep us in your journey for a while longer, till you feel better.

Warm hugs~~