justjo

I would really like anyones opinion. Good or Bad.
My sister has been drinking for about 15 years. She has over these past 3 years got so terribly worse. Nowadays, she goes into rehab (has been in 10 times, really dont know I have lost count) and usually gets caught drinking and kicked out.
Once at home she will go on a 5-6 day binge, doesnt eat, shower, nothing but can manage to drive and get more booze. OK, I know some of you will tell me she isnt ready yet.
While she is binging, she calls all the time with all the emotional b...sh.t. wants help, help, help. Get help, she is there and talks to the rehab centres, so she decided.
Now you might tell me, she has to get really bad, in the gutter stuff to get better. I dont know how bad she could possibly get...damn it she is so bad and I if had magic pill, wammo I buy it at any cost. But there isnt. No rehab centre can help us. She has lost her marriage, her kids, house is almost next. Today she tells me she thinks she is pregnant to a guy she met in rehab a couple of months ago and we are trying to figure out who it is....

HELP

stone

I am so sorry you are going through this. You obviously love her very much, I am an alkie so I don't have much advice for you. If you post in the 'friends and family' part of the forum you will get more responses and help I think.

Tazman53

justjo do you and the rest of your family go to Alanon, if you don't then you all really should.

Okay I have my alcoholic hat on now, when I was drinking the worst thing any one could do for me was help me do anything!

If I was broke the worst thing someone could do is loan or give me money. If I had lost my drivers license the worst thing someone could do was give me a ride. If I had wrecked my car or it was broke down the worst thing you could do for me was loan me a car or the money yo fix mine.

If I was without a roof over my head the worst thing you could do is put a roof over my head. If I was arrested the worst thing you could do is bail me out, or get me a lawyer.

In a nut shell when I was drinking and you or any one else helped me in any way with anything except dropping me off in front of a detox/rehab center you were helping me to drink. Oh yea and BTW paying for my detox/rehab after the first time is helping me continue to drink.

I am an alcoholic, as a result I am going to drink and will continue to drink no matter what you do until I decide the pain I am suffering from is so great that I know I have to stop. You telling me I need to stop means nothing to me, alcohol is my God and my lover, and as a result until my butt was totally kicked to my own satisfaction and not yours or any one elses I was not going to stop.

I know you hate to hear what I am saying, but I am an alcoholic and it was not until I had hit my personal bottom that I stopped.

My son is an alcoholic, his disease has not progressed to the point mine did nor your sisters, but as an alcoholic I know the best way to help him get and stay sober quicker is to not lift a single finger to help him. All I can do is pray, & stay sober myself to where when he is ready I will be ready as well.

The longer you or anyone else keeps pulling her butt out of the fire the longer she is going to drink.

I am sorry, I wish I could tell you some magical or logical way to get her to wake up, but the only way to get her to wake up is for her to have to face the consequences of her drinking alone with no help, no one to go crying to "Oh I will never drink again if you will just this one more time..."

My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers.

justjo

Thanks Stone, I guess I just wanted someone on this sites opinion for a change. Some one who has been there might understand how my sister is feeling. Yes I love her very much and have been there for her in so many ways. I just am at the end of my rope and dont know who to talk to. I know the friends and family site is amazing, very supportive. I just wanted another opinion. I will post there too.

justjo

Thanks Tazman, I needed that. Nothing you said actually surprised me. Ive been told this before. I guess Im the problem. I feel her pain, cant stand seeing her like this. Its heartbreaking. I guess I just feel helpless.
To be honest, I am so terribly scared I am going to loose her. She is in pretty bad shape.

Tazman53

Justjo like I said, I wish I could tell you some thing different, as an alcoholic when I found out that my son was like me when it came to alcoholism my heart was broke. It really did not become appearant until after I sobered up.

I know this sounds crazy, but the quicker she finds her bottom the better it will be for her, the longer she is helped in stretching out her drinking career the more damage she is going to do to her liver, brain, and almost every other organ in her body.

It is frustrating as hell, especially as an alcoholic who finally hits that personal bottom and can not get sober on thier own, but finding a way to get sober on our own is key, I put myself into detox, no one else, and I went to AA to stay sober, no one made me do it. I had to reach the point where I was willing to do what ever was needed to get and stay sober. It means so much more to me knowing that I finally took the actions to get sober and not some one else, because I did it through my own actions and not with some one else helping me, I am far less likely to start drinking again.

I understand your fear, I have it for my son, but he is in the early stages of the disease and he has not reached the point where he is even beginning to see it as a problem even though his wife does already. Alcoholism is a horrendous disease because one of its syptoms is the denial of having a disease.

justjo

You are an inspiration to me Tazman. Thanks again. I will think about everything you said. I will listen to you. I know Im sounding desperate but i think i am, hell. She is so beautiful, a beautiful woman inside and out. Im the only one who really sees the real her. I know this addiction/disease is portraying a different her = to the rest, she has changed, but I can still see her. I just dont want to loose her.
Does this mean I actually have to have no contact with her or can I still talk to her, see her.....

And you should be so very proud of yourself, Love you for getting where you are today!

stone

Sorry Justjo, I wasn't trying to get rid of you or anything!
Taz is better able than me to help, my own point of view is you need to look after you. Sounds harsh but...

edit
that sounds dumb, sorry I have been reading friends and family too long.

Tazman53

justjo of course you should stay in contact with her, she still needs to know there are folks that love and care for her, but you need to be firm with her and when she ask for money or what ever tell her no and the reason why.

In other words you need to let her know that she needs to face her drinking head on and deal with all of the consequences of it on her own because you love her and do not want to help her continue to drink. Just to prepare you, her disease may make her very mad at you, she may say things to you or even do things that shock or hurt you, stay firm and calm, do not let the crying, screaming or cursing get to you.

Obviously if she is injured or very sick take her to the hospital, but let her handle it on her own from there. If she winds up homeless offer to take her to a shelter, tell her you are not willing to help and watch her kill her self.

Make sure she knows she is loved and as a result you all can not help her kill herself.

I just saw what stone posted and I totally agree, you need to take care of your self, going to Alanon or any other support group like it will help you a great deal.

parentrecovers

hey justso - just let her know you love her, and that you will be there for her when she is ready to recover. and agreed - alanon is an excellent choice for you. blessings, k

Dee74

Hey JustJo...I think Taz has some really good advice...unfortunately when addiction of any kind takes hold, nothing else matters, and most addicts end up doing the most breathtakingly selfish things, and that bites hardest on those who love the ones in trouble.

I don't know what to tell you..obviously you love your sister very much, but you must understand that none of this is your fault, and that it's most likely nothing you can say or do will have any effect on her until she wants, really wants, to quit. I really hope for boith your sakes that's sooner rather than later...

Maybe the Friends and Family section will have some good ideas on how to tackle this ?

Best wishes, anyway, from a fellow Aussie
take care
D

TINLIZZY

Hi Justjo -

My name is Liz and I an an alcoholic.

I will second everything Taz said. He has great wisdom.

Let your sister know that you love and care about her, drive her to a shelter or the hospital if necessary, and offer to take her to lunch on occasion (if you have family of your own, I would NOT have her in your house).

I decided to quit drinking, I decided to go to AA, I decided to go to an outpatient program for assistance. It's my time, my effort, my money, and my sobriety! I'm not doing it alone though - I have much support from these groups, SR and my family. While my husband asked me a year (or more) ago to stop drinking, I could not/would not hear it.

When your sister is ready, she will let you know.

My prayers are with you and yours.

TinLizzy

GrouchoTheCat

Hi,

I'm an alcoholic named Ted.

What Taz says is so very true.

I could not get sober until I did it for myself.

I would tell her thst if she needs you to drop her off at a detox, you will. But you will not enable her to drink in any way.

Of course, this is your decision to make, just realize that every time you give her money or such, you are in reality prolonging her agony.

Hang in there Jo,

Ted

fraankie

lots of good posts
yeah
the ol' "she has to be ready"
bummer
i heard a qualification
the dude made 25 or so detoxes and rehabs
so.....................................

i'm of the persuasion to always support
call say "i love you"
visit in the detox
ask if she wants to go for a walk in the park
ask if you can take her to an AA meeting
ya never know

best
fraankie

Golfman

justjo,

So much good stuff here it's hard to add to it. Just know that we're here to help any way we can. And know that you can take care of yourself by admitting you are powerless over this situation. We would all like to think there's something we can do, but there's not.

As someone suggested, hop on over to the Families and Friends forum. We want you to get the best support you can. You can stay here with us too. Let us know how you're doing. We'll be praying for you sister.

Pilgrim

Hi Sis. I am with Golfman and Taz. So much good advice here.

Is she pregnant? If she is then you are an aunty and there is a new life that needs protection. Time to put your great big loving heart of yours to work on something where you can make a difference. We are here for you.

justjo

Thanks guys, you are all tremendous!! Mean that from the bottom of my heart and thanks for all the great advice. I really wanted to get some feedback from folks that have been there, you know - the truth. Thanks Taz, and everyone.
This has been a long time and my sister admits she is an alcoholic but she isnt ready. Ive been through it all with her and she does confide in me. Its been a hard road. She begs me not to give up on her. The rest of the family has. Im not trying to be a hero either, it just tears me apart seeing her like this.
Yes, she has yelled, screamed & blamed me but I know its her frustrations. I know she loves me, I really do. I told her she can through as much s..t at me as she likes (to a point)
Anyhow, I dropped in yesterday and she wouldnt let me in. Didnt want me to see her like that.... I called in this morning and the front door was open. We had a long chat. She hasnt eaten for 7 days, shaking and couldnt even hold the coffee cup I made her. Made her some dried biscuits with cheese. She Couldnt stand up for a shower etc etc. I told her it didnt matter what anyone wanted for her, it was what she wanted for herself. If she wants to keep doing this, go right ahead but she was going to kill herself very soon and I was going to loose my sister. That would kill me. Her body is shutting down and in so much pain. Pancreas, kidneys and the rest wow!! She begged me to help her. I said no, Ive done and said all I can. Nothing more to say. She had to do it herself, ring the detox centre etc only if thats what she wanted. By the end of the day she has rung detox and going in tomorrow we think. Then on to another rehab (only for women) close to my work which is great. I can still see her regularly.
Only thing though, I have no faith and wonder when the merry go round will stop.
Be positive I tell myself. Some good news though, she is not pregnant. I bought her a test kit and it was negative 3 times. That concerned me greatly.
Stone I didnt think you were fobbing me off at all. I do go on to the Friends Forum too.
Hi (pilgrim) Miss you sis. How are you going? You'll have to message me.

Thanks Again!

Music

Well, to ease the tention, she's not ready yet, and may never be ready. There is something you can do though and that's leave here entirely alone. She's lost everything but you, and whoever else is sticking with her. It may be that she'll just die from her drinking. That's a possibility, but as long as she has someone, anyone who'll listen to her, she has a friend. It's a real shame some people are in such denial but as the AA Big Book says, this disease will follow us right to the gates of hell before we either die or get sober.

TINLIZZY

Hey Just -

Hang tough, you have a lot of support here. I hope she follows through with the detox. Remember, take care of yourself first!

TinLizzy