Hazel

Hi everyone,

To my shame, I haven't posted here in a long, long while. My name’s Hazel and I’m an alcoholic/addict.

Just to re-cap, I joined you all toward the end of last year. I made a few posts here and there, but I left again, thinking I had a good thing going with my recovery…I'm here to tell ya that I didn’t.

What I gained, I lost again ~ in a heartbeat. I had three months clean/sober, which was the most I’ve managed in almost ten years. That, in itself, was a miracle but I never stopped to look at it that way until it was too late, and I was back to drinking again. I didn’t understand it…I was trying so hard. I was doing everything I “thought” was right. (That’s when I realised that my thinker’s broken, lol!) But I also knew at that moment, that I can’t do this on my own. In my heart, I knew that AA was the answer, but I had to find out the hard way that there's a difference between ‘knowing’ and ‘acceptance’. I knew I was an alcoholic and I knew I needed help, but could I accept it? No way! So I spent what felt like an age in a vicious cycle of drunk/dry/drunk/dry etc (= MISERABLE! )

Fast-forward to the end of February/beginning of March this year (I’m trying to keep a long story short lol, but I don’t think it’s working!) ~ I got in touch with a temporary online sponsor who has been helping guide me in the right direction. She's been more help than I could ever ask for. Truly, she’s great, and won't put up with any of my crap, which is just what I needed, though I didn't realise it at the time. I sat and made excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't go to a f2f meeting, until, and from the other side of the world, she taught me that "can't never did anything" I learned then, that there’s also a difference between willingness and action.

That was, in part, my (ongoing) transition from SAYING that I was willing to go to any lengths to get sober...to actually GOING to any lengths and doing what it takes; doing what is working for so many other alcoholics. There’s gotta be something in those AA rooms that is working and I want some of it too, lol! So, my first meeting is this coming Thursday. Ideally, I'd go to one sooner, but I do have genuine geographical isolation problems (plus, I don't drive which makes things more complicated). BUT, with the help of my sponsor, the path has been cleared and I fully intend to go on Thursday. Today I am three days clean/ sober...that's three miracles in a row as far as I’m concerned.

My reason for this post (yes, I do have one, lol) is to ask if anyone would mind sharing their experience of their first meeting with me? How did you feel? What happened? How did you feel afterwards? I think I’ll probably have a ton of questions/doubts/fears etc before Thursday, and no doubt I can expect an ass-kicking from my sponsor if I use the words “can’t” and “meeting” in the same sentence. A part of me is (almost!) excited about what lies before me if I continue to be willing to take action…I'm very, very scared, but there's an element of hope in there, too, which I haven't felt for many years. I’ve been lurking here and reading all I can for the last month or so ~ unfortunately, shame kept me from posting here again until I was actually WILLING to do something about my situation. Now I am.

Thank you for letting me share this ~ I needed it.

-Hazel

Rowan

Hey Hazel,

Welcome back! I'm so glad that you're here!! My first AA meeting was on a Thursday also, it was a women's meeting, and I knew absolutely zero about Alcoholics Anonymous before that night. It was a step meeting - we read from one of the steps (don't remember which) then there was sharing - because there were more than one newcomer, much of the discussion centered around the first three steps. Women were sharing how much time they had sober - I couldn't believe it - days, weeks, months, and some with years! When it came time to do the chips, there was some gentle pushing to get me to accept a 24 hour chip, and there was much hugging and hand-clapping. Really, I was bewildered - what were they all so happy about? lol
I was given phone numbers, and a lady bought me a copy of the Big Book; she signed the date inside and wrote my name, said 'get ready for a life way beyond your wildest dreams'.
That is my home group today, and I set up the meeting each week, making tea or coffee, and greeting other newcomers. It's so wonderful to give back in this way.
Please let us know how your own meeting goes. ((hugs)) to you and again welcome back.

Rowan

Hazel

Thank you for sharing the experience of your first meeting, Rowan. I'm sure it's helped more than just me

Lol, I remember when I first found that my sponsor had ten years sober...I just about fell off my chair! Even though I have asked my sponsor the same question I posed in my initial post ~ "what can I expect?" I thought it would be helpful to me, and to others, to get more than one opinion...so I've asked you guys too.

Oh, and I thought I'd share my sponsor's answer. It made me smile : "Expect a miracle".

A couple of q's popped into my head while I read your post, Rowan, and if anyone could answer, I'd be most grateful...

As a newcomer, will I be expected to 'share' much? All I can really tell, is how it is and was...not much about recovery and how I hope it WILL be, if you see what I mean. I've no problem introducing myself, but I can't help but wonder if it'd be best to keep my mouth shut other than that(?)

Secondly, I have a copy of the BB...should I take it with me, or is it likely that there'll be spare copies there already?

Thanks again Rowan, and thanks for the hugs! (((( Rowan ))))

I'll let you know how I get on.

-Hazel

Nuudawn

Welcome back Hazel,
I was half an hour late to my first meeting. I got an incorrect time from a local internet site. It was a candlelight meeting and I slunk into the nearest corner. Shortly, after I arrived someone handed me a piece of paper with some topics written on it. I thought to myself .."How nice! They're provided me with a list of topics they're discussing". I looked up and everyone was looking at me. I'm sure I looked like a deer in the headlights. Someone clued in it was my first meeting and took the paper from me telling me it was alright to "pass". After the meeting a number of women came up and pressed their numbers into my hands telling me to call anytime. One of them advised that it was going to get harder rather than easier. That scared me actually. I've been 4 months sober. Yes, I've had difficult moments but all in all...my life is easier not harder. Everything is better. Right away I had a feeling of "belonging". Everyone was wonderful and supportive. In very short order, the pervasive feeling of aloneness left me. I wasn't so different after all. In fact, I was very much the same as so many, many others. I have found tremendous comfort in that.

I too had many previous "quits" without help. I didn't think I needed anyone's help. What a stubborn little coward I was. Truth of the matter is, I never liked reaching out to anyone cuz it was simply safer that way...nobody could disappoint or reject me.

It is your first meeting and nobody will have any expectations of you whatsoever. You don't need to do anything you are uncomfortable with. In my neck of the woods, only certain meetings actually utilize reading from the Big Book (and copies are available if that is the case).

TINLIZZY

Hazel -

Welcome back. Your story reads so much like mine!

I went to my first AA meeting in early February. I had some free time, so I picked up the phone and found a meeting in my area. It was women's only, closed meeting. I showed up 10 minutes early and could hardly get out of my car. Judi was at the door greeting people, and I walked in crying and shaking (literally). She gave me a big hug, and took me by the hand introducing me to several people. She found me a seat and introduced me to my neighbors. I was not expected to "share", only to introduce myself (as an alcolholic only if I felt comfortable in doing so). After the meeting, I felt much more at peace. The women at the meeting ranged from early 20's to well into their 70's, sobriety time ranged from 0-30+ years, all different education and economic levels. I was given a Big Book, literature, and a list of phone numbers. Long story short, I did not use any of it. I spent the next two months sober/drunk/drunk/sober/etc.

Ten days ago, I got some very bad news and did what I aways do, I reached for the bottle. I stoped myself, reached into the depths of my purse and found that list of phone numbers. I called Judi (who MAY have remembered me), and she met me at another meeting that night. She has been by my side ever since, and I have been to atleast one meeting per day since. I have been participating, sharing, helping to set up, and getting to know people. I have a list of several people whom I call almost daily, just to check in. Now when I get to a meeting, there are several people who say "hey Liz, how ya doing??" I have not had a drink in 10 days.

At first, just getting through the doors is an accomplishment, but remember, success will take more than sitting in a chair at the rear of the room. It's a little scarry at first, but you will come to realize that you are not alone, that you have not done anything that several other people in room have also done, and if you are anything like me, you will want what they have! - Sobriety, happiness, contentment.

You are leaps and bounds ahead of the game having a sponsor who can give you adivce and guide you, but there is nothing like F2F meetings.

Let us all know how it goes on Thursday -

TinLizzy

Rowan

Nuudawn, your experience made me laugh - re the 'how nice..' feeling to realizing everyone is looking at you, waiting for you to share. Terrifying, though humorous, now.

Hazel, as Nuudawn said, you don't have to do anything. You can introduce yourself and say 'this is my first meeting, and i'll pass' and it will move on to the next person. And it depends on the type of meeting - where I am, we have step meetings, and BB meetings, and sometimes topic meetings. Bring your book if you're not sure, but it's certainly not required, and as Nuu said, there are bound to be extras, or you can share with someone.

Here's something kinda funny - I was probably around 2-3 months sober, the first time around, and was at a birthday meeting. The lady who was the speaker was seen as a spiritual giant and I was quite moved by her talk. Afterwards, the chairperson called upon someone to thank the speaker. He looked directly at me, said my name, and said, could you come up and thank her? And I was floored - unprepared - terrified. Got up and moved along my row past all the people sitting there - then realized - TOO LATE - there was another lady with my name who was the person who had been asked to thank the speaker - NOT ME! The chairperson, bless his heart, didn't know either, so that's why he looked at me, but I sat down, red-faced, and got through the next 5 minutes until I could escape to the bathroom where I sat on the floor and cried like I had never cried before. I felt so STUPID! Today, I can laugh if that happens, but it nearly killed me then. I didn't want anyone to notice me, and certainly not for messing up!
One of the women who found me in the bathroom later became my sponsor. God bless her and the others who stayed with me until I was fit to come out.What a remember-when!

RedFox

I'm glad you came back. That's pretty much the same thing I did. I can't really answer any of your questions about the first AA meeting because I'm still trying to get myself to go. All I can think of to say is good luck, I hope you like it

Iwanttobe1

My first AA meeting, when I really intended to get sober, was 3 weeks ago.
A friend from this site took the time to e-mail the office in my town and was contacted by a woman in AA who invited me to her home group. To that friend I will be forever grateful.
I felt so welcome. They passed around a meeting schedule book and everyone put their phone number in it. By the end of that meeting, I knew I was in the right place. Afterwards, so many came to welcome me and one even marked the best meetings to go to. I picked up a white chip and got a temporary sponsor. I have met with my sponsor every week since. She is awesome. I look forward to Mondays now, because that's when this group meets.
You don't have to share and no one expects anything from you. They ask at the beginning if anyone is new, I just said my name that's it.
The women who shared were great. They had all been exactly where I am and I took so much home with me that first night. Finally, someone understood and knew what I was feeling.
I am excited for you and I am sure your meeting on Thursday will be great.
Good luck to you in your sobriety. You are going in the right direction.

Carol

Nuudawn

Ahhh Rowan...isn't it nice that we are no longer those (quite so) oversensitive, terrified little drunks. We can laugh at ourselves now. It's just so darn liberating to realize we don't have to anywhere be near the perfect vicinity. Quite the contrary, in AA we are embraced for our numerous fallibilities (read: humaness : )

best

Acceptance through understanding and answers await.

Been there done that so they fully understand and are waiting to guide you to the answers.

Hazel

Thanks everyone

I'm still fighting the fear, ~ trying not to listen to the part of me that is telling me I can't do it, for whatever excuse decides to 'pop' into my head. I know I can ~ I just wish the meeting was sooner so it was out of the way. It's the anticipation and the not-knowing that seems worse then everything else, if that makes sense?

You are all certainly proof that it CAN be done and I thank you for sharing your experiences. They've been a very big help. I'll let you know how the meeting goes.

-Hazel

Tazman53

Hazel and every one else who has shared on this thread, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I wish I could share what you all have shared about your first meeting, sadly for my first meeting I was drunk on my arse, I had been drinking all day and my wife got home and was a little bit peturbed at me for some reason! LOL

Well I told her I had a problem and I was going to an AA meeting to get it straightened out, she just looked at me and nodded her head, well I found where a meeting was by calling the hotline and headed out..... of course I had to stop and get a 6 pack and killed half of it before I got to the meeting. I do recall it was a speakers meeting and that the speaker told of getting drunk in Germany.... the next thing I recall is driving home and killing the last of the 6 on the way. Some how I walked away from that meeting with a BB whcih over the next 2 days I spent reading it while drinking in my garage. Funny thing.... I got as much out of the BB drunk as I did the meeting!

Actually I did find out there was "A solution" but I was not ready for it three or 4 years ago. Well almost 7 months ago I went to my first semi sober AA meeting the first evening of detox, even though the meeting had about 50-60 people in it for some reason I felt welcome by every one and actually felt like for the first time in my adult life I BELONGED!!!!! I was in my first day of detox so the world was still a fog for me, but what I left there with was a feeling of belonging, of understanding, knowing there was a solution if I was willing to work at it, and most importantly that I was not alone!

I want you all to know that I am at work and had on more then one occasion as I read you alls shares wipe tears from my eyes!

WE ARE NOT ALONE and I love every one of you and thank you all for helping me to stay sober today!

Golfman

Hazel,

My first AA meeting was almost 21 years ago. I can tell you that I was not expected to share, I didn't have to give my name if I didn't want to, all I had to do was listen. I don't remember what the topic was, but that really didn't matter. I just knew I belonged there because what people were saying I could identify with.

You've already passed over the biggest hump of all, admitting to you innermost self that you are an alcoholic. Although going to the first meeting can conjure up all sorts of scary things in our minds, those fears are not real. They are based on imagined events that almost never seem to occur.

If anything, the chairperson might ask if there's anyone there for their very first AA meeting and would they like to introduce themselves by their first name. You are not compelled to even introduce yourself if you don't want to. Or you could say, "Hi, I'm Hazel." You don't even have to say you're an alcoholic. Keep in mind that "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." That's it, nothing more.

You can be sure that although you cannot see us, we will be with you in spirit. You are not alone anymore.

Your friend in sobriety,
ED

RedFox

Is it this coming Thursday? I think that little car accident scrambled my brain a bit, lol. Be sure to post after it happens to let us all know how it goes

Carol87

I haven't read this thread in its entirety but there is a thread in the Alcoholism - 12 Step Support forum that might help ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html

Rowan

Hi Hazel,

How are you doing? Tomorrow is the big day! How are you feeling?

collinsmi

I didn't know what to expect either. I was forced into mine. Had this peice of paper I had to get signed; if I didn't, people would yell at me and I'd get thrown out of the military. I knew what my rehab was like, an unpleasant, critical, dictatorial person in charge trying to intimidate and browbeat 7 or 8 of us into some humiliating, tearful confession; "sharing honestly" about our "lives". I had, of course also seen the sylvester and tweety birders anonymous cartoon. But that was about it.

So I got my little piece of paper and went to the meeting. There were a bunch of tables pushed together in the middle of the room. Chairs were set up along the outside edges of the tables, all facing each other. "No hot seat in the middle", I noted with relief. People were standing/sitting around talking to each other and drinking coffee (there was free coffee). No one paid any attention to me at first.

THen the meeting started. Everyone stopped talking except one guy who read some stuff out loud. Then other people read other short things out loud. Anytime anyone started to speak, they'd say "Hi, I'm so-and-ao, and I'm an alcoholic", then everyone else said "Hi so-and-so!". It was a ritual I decided to mimic. Then, all of a sudden, one of those reading types said "Is there anyone here for their first AA meeting?" The deep breath before the leap......
"Mimic the behavior" I thought. "Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm an alcoholic" I replied. Everyone said "Hi Mike", and looked at me and smiled pleasantly! THen, too soon, they went on with the meeting. Someone introduced some AA topic, and everyone took turns talking about it. THen near the end, someone asked me if I had anything to share, and I said something, although I can't remember what. THen we all held hands and prayed, and the meeting was over.

Afterwards, 4 or 5 people introduced themselves to me and a few even gave me phone numbers! Everyone was kind and smiling! "This sure beats the heck out of rehab" I thought. No problem coming to these, I'll have the card filled up in no time. Maybe I'll even get better.

Now, I think of meetings as a kind of home. People understand me there better than my own family.

Tazman53

I love that collinsmi!!!!!

Hazel

Hi everyone, and thank you!

Just finished work, so I'm a bit tired ~ I'll try and keep this short.

Cravings have always been my downfall and I had an (...almost!) unbearable one last night, but I dealt with it okay. I removed myself from the situation as quickly as possible (I went for a walk ~ fresh air helps) and everything turned out alright in the end. Was pretty relieved to climb into bed last night, even though it took hours to get to sleep...still, I woke up sober, no hangover and I remember EXACTLY what I did last night! It's all good.

It has really helped me to read your experiences of your first meetings ~ to feel your understanding puts me at ease. Carol, thank you for the link ~ it's wonderful!! Fear is still creeping in every now and then, but I've been trying to stay in today and keep myself occupied. I've a feeling that tomorrow'll be a different story, lol, but we'll wait and see.

Thank you everyone ~ I'm so glad I came back.

-Hazel

best

The fear going in vs the joy coming out.

You will be saying how much it was worth every step to walk through those doors. You will find there was nothing to worry about and in the days to come wonder why you had the fear in the first place.
Will be waiting to hear you report back to us.