GrouchoTheCat

Hi StKurt,

I like to write things that strike me also.

One of these days I'll post them all.

Ted

lanie67

Wow that post really resonated with me. I never brought it into meetings but I used to buy those little jars of orange juice at the gas station and spike them with vodka before going to work.

I know there is a peace and spirituality in the room of AA that seems foreign. When I got sober there was a bottleneck within me...I had all this guilt about things I'd done, and all these memories from the past I hadn't dealt with, and anxiety problems that made me nervous and jumpy, and a disorder on top of that. I dealt with it by staying busy or preoccupied and by drinking and using. Being in a meeting, being peaceful and still, those things within me began to stir and try to rise to the surface. That is why it is important to get busy on the steps right away, begin speaking with a sponsor right away, start writing down feelings, to give that stuff an outlet. I've had many realizations during sobriety that I drank over actual feelings and actual pain and actual worries. AA gave me another way to deal with those things, but in the beginning they were all piled up to bursting and sometimes it feels like we can't possibly cope with them; many of us aren't used to being peaceful, and still, and getting in a spiritual state of mind. I knew a woman in who got sober right around the same time I did that immediately started having traumatic childhood memories as soon as she put the drugs down. At that time she went back out, and that really made me sad. I take it very seriously. I liken it sometimes to being a scientist out in the field encountering a never-before-seen species of animal; just because it has not been named or recognized doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I am still discovering things within me that surprise me and cause all kinds of feelings of anxiety and squirrely-ness, but I know that I can get through them by expressing them either to a sponsor or on paper, and I don't have to drink because of them.

leviathon

I can relate to the impulse to drink from attending at AA meetings. This is the first that I have become aware others had the same experience. While I learned alot about myself and about my addiction, AA at times - because of this impulse triggering - was hard to deal with.

I have found this board is easier b/c I can pick and choose what I want to deal with and I can control when my "triggers" are acting up.

The problem with that of course is that I am in "control", which we all know is likely not a good idea. I do find that I get a lot of strength from my spouse and my church and that these are positive influences. I also find that being honest with my higher power (aka God) during the day and at the end of the day really helps.

I think if you discuss the "trigger" issue with aa and drinking with a sponsor or an old timer you will find that there are solutions. For instance, I found big book studies were more helpful for me than open meetings where people often seemed to dwell on their drinking and/or their exploits. I also found that by finding a more solid, smaller group was helpful. People occasionally dealt with their exploits/drinking, but the old timers were quick to put them back on track and we got to issue resolution instead of trigger discussions.

Hope this helps.

Debaucher

It didn't kick in for me until around 45 days... before that the ups and downs were pretty intense...

It probably is working you just haven't got the results yet...

If you are being brutally honest about your feelings... understanding them... working your steps... 1,2,3,4,5...8... etc it will come...

It will happen... for me it wasn't a gradual progression where every day got better... it was like... every day sucked... and some were worse than others... Then I would have a few super awesome days and then back to super bad... then whamo... things started leveling out...

I don't know when it happened or how but I feel pretty normal now... my depression has lifted.

I would say this... give it some time... sometimes all it takes is time... just because you don't think it is working doesn't mean it won't...

what step are you working? and why do you think it isn't working? Just because you are not happy yet doesn't mean it isn't working... working on step 4 didn't make me happy...

Forcing myself to be brutally honest about my 4rth step and admitting all the stuff in there to myself... and reconciling issues I left mentally unresolved for so long... hurt! and hurt alot... at the time I rather would have drank than drudge up all that stuff... but I quit drinking because I didn't want to stay in that unhappy place... I wanted it over...

I can say honestly today that I am HAPPY... I got there by working the steps... being brutaly honest with myself. Steps 1-3 resolving my "GOD" issues... and step 4...

I have delayed step 5 but I really have let my step 4 stuff go... and physically doing step 5 IMHO will just be going through the motions of something I already did (in spirit) but to be sure I will do it eventualy...

presumably it took you some time to become a "REAL ALCOHOLIC" and so it will probably take you some time and work to heal yourself... both physically and mentally... at least it did for me...

Debaucher

I should add that I don't think I am healed or cured... I just am happy and the compulsion to drink has been lifted...

I don't fool myself into believing it can't come back... I believe however that as long as I continue to work the steps and believe, that I will remain sober and happy.

bye_bye_vodka

AA has taken awhile for me too. In fact some days it seems to work other days it seems like a waste of time. All I know is that it couldn't hurt for me to go a place where others are dealing with issues like mine. It's the only place I know to go where I can vent, ask, listen, discuss, etc about my problem and not get looked down on.

bye_bye_vodka

I used Campral, and it helped me alot!