teej

I think so! I feel for you Steph. I wish there was something I could say (besides a joke about waxing) that would make you feel better. But I'm on my pity pot lately. I don't even know my a$$ from a hole in the ground right now. I SOOO wish I could talk about what's eating at me, so I could get suggestions on how to make it better, but I cant. Drinking sure doesn't fix anything, so thats out!
My big fat mouth got me in this mess and there's no way I can turn back the clock.

Soooo, your not the only one, just thought I'd let ya know. Huge hugs girl, we'll get through this somehow, right? SOBER!

Tazman53

TJ I can tell you what a shrink told me many years ago that worked for me, I had something that was just eating me alive and could not figure out what it was. She told me to just sit down with a pen & paper and start writing down every thing that I was worried about or was bugging me..... I stared at a blank piece of paper for quite a bit, but once I started writing it down I found it.

The 4th & 5th step I found far more effective though in over all happiness and freedom.

teej

I dont want to hijack stephs thread, and I cant make my own about it because I cant talk about it. So I need to figure it out on my own. I'm not going to a shrink, I would cry the whole time, but I am working on the steps with my sponsor. Thanks taz

Steph, I seeeeeeee you down there, how are you doing today?

Pilgrim

More drama. I woke up to a commotion. It's 4.30 am and I am alone in the house. The cat had managed to get it's way into the shoebox. I thought I had enough protection around it - books on top, tape etc. The dog got it in the end. There has been complete chaos. Mice scurrying and sqealing, dog barking, cat running around, furniture tipping over. If you had been watching me you would have had a good laugh.

Now it's dead. I have been up for an hour trying to find it and save its life but I couldn't. I went to bed thinking that my dog and cat were like alcohol and they were waiting to get "me" (mouse). The box and the books and tape etc were my tools to keep danger away (AA, steps etc). I know it's nutty but I am a bit upset about this right now.

I am mad with my cat and dog. I am sad about the mouse (eaten alive) and I am still scared. I hope I stay scared enough to stay sober today.

Taz - I know what you mean about the most miserable person in the world - head full of AA and belly full of beer. That's has been me the past month. I cry when drink - mostly because I know inside I was turning my back on you guys and giving up on myself.

I missed my buddies while I was sober. They were so pleased when I came back and I so craved not to be lonely any more. But that's not the way forward is it? That's the way down into hell for me. I am on the climb back. Bottom rung of the ladder.

Anyhow, all is peaceful again now. I just thought I'd tell someone about my night. I think I'll try to get some more sleep. Thanks again everyone for being around.

Tazman53

Steph do not forget you have a life line in your phone and your HP. Sorry about the mouse, do not be to hard on the cat, that is what they do.

Pilgrim

TJ - please hijack this. It isn't mine - it is everyones otherwise I will be all alone here. You understand? It is so important to me that you are here. I am going to sleep now anyway so I am not going to care and I would love to think this has been your chance to talk things through with Taz and co. It gives me joy to think about it and I feel really humble and grateful that you are talking in my house. The door is always open from now on. So make yourself a cuppa and tell us what is on your mind sweetie.

teej

sweet dreams steffy!!

teej

I cant talk about it though, wish I could. Hell, a cuppa????? I'm on my third potta and I could still go to sleep for hours. (I'm assuming we're talking about coffee right?

Golfman

Okay, I'll take you up on your offer. Quit asking WHY and start asking HOW. And, when you get the answer, do it. Don't just say "I'll try" or "I'll think about it."

"The bottom"? Who knows where it is. I do know this, after you've been digging that hole for a while, stop for a minute and see how deep it is. If it's over your head, then stop digging and get out.

Want more instructions? Okay, go to a meeting every day for the next 90 days. AH,AH...no excuses. There are morning meetings, lunchtime meetings, after work meetings, and night meetings. So what if you have to go out of your way. This is not a matter of convenience, this is a matter of life and death.

I know you want to live.

Tazman53

Well said golfman.

stone

Hi steph, you and your mice huh?! I am sorry I have been 'west' latley, I am starting again tomorrow. Taz and Ed, I hope I didn't offend you guys too much, I think you are both amazing.

Golfman

Stone,

Not to worry, I've been called so many names and had so many things said to me over the years that it takes huge amounts of $hit to offend me nowadays.

I'm just hopin' you'll start fellin' better.

Pilgrim

No more excuses Ed. Went yesterday. Going again today. 90 days. Hmmm. I'll be in Disneyland for some of it. Do they have meetings there? Does Snow White run them? Best I find out the Anaheim timetables before I go.

I got quacking going on in my head today. Round and round it goes. Silly resentment over something that ABSOLUTELY doesn't matter. Quacking like a silly old duck.

Nuudawn

Steph..just caught up on this thread.

So glad you're back to AA. So glad.
Bright blessings my friend.

Pilgrim

Hi sweetie. It's a busy place SR at the moment isn't it? Lots of newcomers and lots of news.

Thanks for stopping by. I am pleased too about getting back in there. Phew!

Dee74

ducks ? Disneyland ? now you've got me thinking of Donald Duck going to Anger Management...what's next...Popeye going to Spinach Anonymous?...LOL.

Hope the day is NZ is as good as it is here in Brissie, Steph !
D

Pilgrim

Hi Dee!!! It's a beautiful day here in NZ. Sun is shining. Are you guys getting any rain? We'll have to run a pipe from my house to you. I have enough for everyone!!!

Pilgrim

Well I have been at work most of the day. Except that I haven't done much work at all. I feel like a bit of a fraud for that. Staying sober and keeping in touch with my new family is taking up all my time. I am letting it happen and going with the flow. I can't see anything more important sitting on my desk right now so there we go. Get away from me guilt feelings. They don't help me.

Right so what else - I got really mad today. I got invited to a function last night that I couldn't go to because I am still a drunk and I had a hangover. They last a long time now.

Anyhoooo, I asked if XABF could attend as well. He works for me and it was a relevant thing for him to attend. Yesterday I assumed that since I wasn't going, he wouldn't either. After all, he was only invited as my guest. He went. I went to AA instead. He proceeded to tell me this morning how amazing it was. How great the food was. Then, when he got to work, the other alchie who works for me (hmmmmmm - do I see a pattern???) asks him - "So how was your cocktail party?" His? It got to me really badly. Gotta let it go. Writing to you all and telling people helps.

So at lunchtime he goes has a drink. He signed a letter saying he wouldn't drink during the day during the week. I knew he couldn't sign that letter any more than I can. But he can't admit he has a problem. Has anyone else found other alchies who don't admit they are can be the most annoying people in the world just after we admit we are?

This is all old thinking and I know I don't need it in my life. I am learning to vent to let go here. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrr

Ok - moving right on. Going to another AA meeting tonight. It is the group that was the site of my first encounter. I haven't been there for a few weeks and I am a bit nervous. I feel a need to convince them I mean it this time. I am embarrassed and ashamed but I will get over that too. Doesn't help.

Dee74

might be an idea ! certainly lots of this happening !


and restricted to 4 minutes here


but it's still been a lovely day !
D

Pilgrim

I went to another meeting and I am sober again tonight. Yay. Thank you my God and AA and SR. Goodnight from me. I look forward to hearing how you are doing tomorrow. I love you all.

xxxxoooo