Scared
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I was abandon as a child. I got passed on from relatives to
relatives, until i was 8.
I didn't live along by myself, My own place until I was 38.
I've always had people in my life. Those 6 months were
a trip and a half and I felt alone all alone. I was force
to live with myself, love myself and get along with myself.
i found out I'm not that hard to live with and I'm actually
a pretty happy go lucky person.
No one to please or bend over backwards so they won't leave.
The lesson I learned was that I adandon myself the most...i didn't
have to do that anymore.
relatives, until i was 8.
I didn't live along by myself, My own place until I was 38.
I've always had people in my life. Those 6 months were
a trip and a half and I felt alone all alone. I was force
to live with myself, love myself and get along with myself.
i found out I'm not that hard to live with and I'm actually
a pretty happy go lucky person.
No one to please or bend over backwards so they won't leave.
The lesson I learned was that I adandon myself the most...i didn't
have to do that anymore.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Steph:
Last year before I took medical leave as a social worker
for Children and Families, I attended a training on
Abandonment/Bonding in early childhood. I am sure
your therapist has explained all this... I was so excited
about this particular newer view...that very young children
aged 1-5 and were not able to bond with their mother
(or)... loving consistent stable caretaker..during the
critical age..have a lifelong chemical "longing" that is
not resolved. When the caretaker leaves...the baby cries
because as you know..they think the person is gone
forever. A chemical reaction begins...caretaker returns..
the chemicals quiet down..and baby is soothed.
Now, when there is prolonged absence, abuse, or
inconsistency in care providers the child is in an almost
constant state of arousal...longing...and the chemical state
is "set" in layman's terms. The baby will not be soothed,
and everyone has left them.
Steph: You sweet soul...you are not crazy, and you are
not psychotic in feeling these feelings...you were
conditioned as a very young child that youwould be alone
forever.
Maybe you can talk to your therapist about how to go about
changing this chemical state. I am biploar...I take
medication.. but I still must work diligently each day..
on letting go of...fear..my great enemy. I have tools
I use to (help) my medications...breathing, imagery
work well for me.
However, the most critical thing I do for my sanity is repeating
Steps 1,2, and 3, depending on a Higher power to help me.
For me sobriety comes first. Has to, or this is no me.
Hope some of this helps, Steph.
Your good friend,
Sherry
Last year before I took medical leave as a social worker
for Children and Families, I attended a training on
Abandonment/Bonding in early childhood. I am sure
your therapist has explained all this... I was so excited
about this particular newer view...that very young children
aged 1-5 and were not able to bond with their mother
(or)... loving consistent stable caretaker..during the
critical age..have a lifelong chemical "longing" that is
not resolved. When the caretaker leaves...the baby cries
because as you know..they think the person is gone
forever. A chemical reaction begins...caretaker returns..
the chemicals quiet down..and baby is soothed.
Now, when there is prolonged absence, abuse, or
inconsistency in care providers the child is in an almost
constant state of arousal...longing...and the chemical state
is "set" in layman's terms. The baby will not be soothed,
and everyone has left them.
Steph: You sweet soul...you are not crazy, and you are
not psychotic in feeling these feelings...you were
conditioned as a very young child that youwould be alone
forever.
Maybe you can talk to your therapist about how to go about
changing this chemical state. I am biploar...I take
medication.. but I still must work diligently each day..
on letting go of...fear..my great enemy. I have tools
I use to (help) my medications...breathing, imagery
work well for me.
However, the most critical thing I do for my sanity is repeating
Steps 1,2, and 3, depending on a Higher power to help me.
For me sobriety comes first. Has to, or this is no me.
Hope some of this helps, Steph.
Your good friend,
Sherry
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Oh. Steph:
Another tool that helped me were the principles in the
movie....What the Bleep Do We Know?
Explains all about the chemical connections and how
to change them....on DVD.
Love,
Sherry
Another tool that helped me were the principles in the
movie....What the Bleep Do We Know?
Explains all about the chemical connections and how
to change them....on DVD.
Love,
Sherry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
I made a big mistake yesterday. I drank. I asked my ABF to read my thread to try to understand that I needed him to make a commitment to me and that I need consistency. I asked him if he could stop drinking. His reaction was as expected - angry. Then he left. Then a mate rang to ask if i wanted to go to a party.
I gave up on myself. I even said goodbye to myself in the mirror beforehand. If only alcohol would just get the job over and done with and leave me in peace.
Are there degrees of hell? I thought I was in it but it's getting worse each time. The torture came on quite suddenly and it's getting worse faster and faster. I thought I had more time.
I gave up on myself. I even said goodbye to myself in the mirror beforehand. If only alcohol would just get the job over and done with and leave me in peace.
Are there degrees of hell? I thought I was in it but it's getting worse each time. The torture came on quite suddenly and it's getting worse faster and faster. I thought I had more time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Originally Posted by Pilgrim 
I made a big mistake yesterday. I drank. I asked my ABF to read my thread to try to understand that I needed him to make a commitment to me and that I need consistency. I asked him if he could stop drinking. His reaction was as expected - angry. Then he left. Then a mate rang to ask if i wanted to go to a party.
I gave up on myself. I even said goodbye to myself in the mirror beforehand. If only alcohol would just get the job over and done with and leave me in peace.
Are there degrees of hell? I thought I was in it but it's getting worse each time. The torture came on quite suddenly and it's getting worse faster and faster. I thought I had more time.
I gave up on myself. I even said goodbye to myself in the mirror beforehand. If only alcohol would just get the job over and done with and leave me in peace.
Are there degrees of hell? I thought I was in it but it's getting worse each time. The torture came on quite suddenly and it's getting worse faster and faster. I thought I had more time.
I read this today..it means a lot to me, I hope it means a lot to you too. I don't know who wrote it but it's from Malachy McCourt's 'Harold Be Thy Name', a book of reflections for people in recovery...
apologies to those who've seen this...
"Alcohol made our lives very small. It cut us off from those we love and most of all it cut us off from ourselves. We developed a siege mentality. Fear dominated us and the only solace was in the bar and the bottle. We were like children afraid of the dark, convinced we were no good. Sobriety is the beginning of the road back to our lives where we leave the false security of the bottle and the bar behind us..."
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
If only alcohol would just get the job over and done with and leave me in peace.
Nope, if you want to drink yourself to death, allow about 20 years. Prepare yourself for a slow, painful, death.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Glass and Dee,
I hope this is my jumping off point. I thought I had already hit rock bottom on the insides. Not so apprently. My thinking told me I needed more!!! I have bruises, burns and cuts and grazes now from the past three weeks since I fell. Cool huh? Anyone out there thinking of caving in tonight? Pleeeease don't.
I read this in the BB today - "Some people get sober because they're afraid to die. I knew I would live, and that was far more terrifying". Whoa - the Empty on the Inside one - that's me.
Something has to change. A friend from the site asked me what I can do to change things. Problem is I don't have much "do ability" if you know what I mean. I keep thinking maybe I just need to fight for my life and then I think that it is a pretty stink life so far so I can't see much point fighting for it.
The other thing she (Empty on the Inside) wrote in the BB was:
"One of my favourite games had always been making it someone else's job to see that I got my work done. That game was over".
I have interpreted that as the work I need to do for myself - to look after myself. I sit around waiting for someone to love me and help me. It is my childish expectation. That someone is usually someone I chose who is incapable of helping me.
I spent today doing a lot of reading. In the end, I got up and made my bed - the sheets needed changing. Now I have a really really big pile of washing to do. O well - that can wait I suppose. At least my room is nice and clean and cosy again. You would be proud of me.
You know I never felt part of my family and I never really understood friendship and fellowship. This site and AA is my first taste of it. I still find it miraculous.
I know I have a lot of love to give, I just didn't know how to accept it for myself. So I don't know very well how to ask for help. Well - that attitude has to go. The "I have to do this myself" idea has to get the big heave ho. It has done me no good until now. It has lead me to this hell. I can have a new family. I can start again from scratch. You and AA will be my Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, friend, companion and help. Get it into my head - somehow - I don't care how - use a hammer if you have to.
I will follow instructions now. Try it - tell me to do something. I won't rebel any more. I am beat. Off to a meeting I go to try to feel some luuurv.
I hope this is my jumping off point. I thought I had already hit rock bottom on the insides. Not so apprently. My thinking told me I needed more!!! I have bruises, burns and cuts and grazes now from the past three weeks since I fell. Cool huh? Anyone out there thinking of caving in tonight? Pleeeease don't.
I read this in the BB today - "Some people get sober because they're afraid to die. I knew I would live, and that was far more terrifying". Whoa - the Empty on the Inside one - that's me.
Something has to change. A friend from the site asked me what I can do to change things. Problem is I don't have much "do ability" if you know what I mean. I keep thinking maybe I just need to fight for my life and then I think that it is a pretty stink life so far so I can't see much point fighting for it.
The other thing she (Empty on the Inside) wrote in the BB was:
"One of my favourite games had always been making it someone else's job to see that I got my work done. That game was over".
I have interpreted that as the work I need to do for myself - to look after myself. I sit around waiting for someone to love me and help me. It is my childish expectation. That someone is usually someone I chose who is incapable of helping me.
I spent today doing a lot of reading. In the end, I got up and made my bed - the sheets needed changing. Now I have a really really big pile of washing to do. O well - that can wait I suppose. At least my room is nice and clean and cosy again. You would be proud of me.
You know I never felt part of my family and I never really understood friendship and fellowship. This site and AA is my first taste of it. I still find it miraculous.
I know I have a lot of love to give, I just didn't know how to accept it for myself. So I don't know very well how to ask for help. Well - that attitude has to go. The "I have to do this myself" idea has to get the big heave ho. It has done me no good until now. It has lead me to this hell. I can have a new family. I can start again from scratch. You and AA will be my Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, friend, companion and help. Get it into my head - somehow - I don't care how - use a hammer if you have to.
I will follow instructions now. Try it - tell me to do something. I won't rebel any more. I am beat. Off to a meeting I go to try to feel some luuurv.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
Something has to change. A friend from the site asked me what I can do to change things. Problem is I don't have much "do ability" if you know what I mean. I keep thinking maybe I just need to fight for my life and then I think that it is a pretty stink life so far so I can't see much point fighting for it
Has it really been that stinky, Steph ? I know you're a parent, for example, which is something I not and, in those damned twilight hours, I'm scared I never wil bel...but anyway...hell, yeah, lots of my life has been stinky...some of that not my fault, most is probably been down to me...but I've had magical moments too, and I want more of 'em, dammit !...
I've been reading today about dry drunks, and while my understanding might not meet AA's, what that means to me is being 'dry'/sober but still hanging on to the negative, critical, cynical BS mindset I developed through drinking. It's something I have to guard against - I have to realise that, just because I've felt this way for years, it's *not* the only way to feel. There are better ways of looking at things, and at myself.
The "I have to do this myself" idea has to get the big heave ho. It has done me no good until now. It has lead me to this hell. I can have a new family. I can start again from scratch. You and AA will be my Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, friend, companion and help. Get it into my head - somehow - I don't care how - use a hammer if you have to. I will follow instructions now. Try it - tell me to do something. I won't rebel any more. I am beat. Off to a meeting I go to try to feel some luuurv.
You're always here, helping people, Steph, even when you're struggling yourself - I find that amazing - so the only thing I'd tell you is...accept this compliment, and know that your posts have helped me.
Hope you find lots of lurrvve at the meeting, see ya back here at SR
hugs aplenty
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Fears!!!! Oh my God, did I have them, the future scared the hell out of me, I had fears of being alone, of not being able to take care of my family, of not being able to take care of myself, of getting old and sick without insurance. I had a fear of all or some of my lies catching up with me.
If some one wants to talk to some one about fears go talk to an alcoholic, if some one wants to talk to some one about unfounded fears go talk to a recovered alcoholic!
Thanks to the 12 steps of AA those fears are now gone, I no longer worry about the horrors of tomorrow...... why? Tomorrow is never here and yesterday is gone, all I really have is today.
Funny how I drank over that fear of being alone, I always made sure I was alone in the end when I drank..... gee wonder why I worried about being alone, my drinking had forced me to isolate myself and had basically driven every one who cared about me away.
This has been a great thread with a lot of good shares.
Steph funny you should mention the folks here and in AA That is what most people find in AA, I love my family, but they really do not understand me, not the part of me that is messed up and as a result they could not help me even though they wanted to, the folks here and in AA know the fears I have, they have helped me address them and deal with them.
Steph in the BB it mentions a turning point, it sounds like you are there, grab the bull by the horns and go with it.
If some one wants to talk to some one about fears go talk to an alcoholic, if some one wants to talk to some one about unfounded fears go talk to a recovered alcoholic!
Thanks to the 12 steps of AA those fears are now gone, I no longer worry about the horrors of tomorrow...... why? Tomorrow is never here and yesterday is gone, all I really have is today.
Funny how I drank over that fear of being alone, I always made sure I was alone in the end when I drank..... gee wonder why I worried about being alone, my drinking had forced me to isolate myself and had basically driven every one who cared about me away.
This has been a great thread with a lot of good shares.
Steph funny you should mention the folks here and in AA
You know I never felt part of my family and I never really understood friendship and fellowship. This site and AA is my first taste of it. I still find it miraculous.
Steph in the BB it mentions a turning point, it sounds like you are there, grab the bull by the horns and go with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi D
I did get myself to the meeting. It was good. There were about 50 people in the room - by far the biggest I have ever seen. It was the 25th birthday of that group. We have to put our names in a hat to be pulled out and those people were asked to share. I felt safe - never won any sort of lotto draw. My name was first. Riiiight. So maybe I was supposed to be there.
The shares were all so good. One that helped me was how we don't give ourselves any excuses any more. We all drank to numb something terrible. We have to accept the past - accept what it did to us. We can then put it down. I don't have to live with it any more. I don't have to drink any more. I am free. I can be happy. Right now!!! There are no more excuses. Damn - if I drink it is down to me. Can't blame it on Mum any more.
Another share I liked was how we get into the AA canoe. We can't take much with us - no teddy bears from our childhood - just the basics. There isn't enough room. We sit up the front and paddle. The HP is at the back steering.
One lady described how she had found women friendship. While drinking, she used to hang around with men. Same here!!! And it is amazing how many were in bad relationships while drinking. We are all the same. I don't even have to tell my story. Amazing.
Only bad thing is that I met two people at AA I have grown to love and who give me hugs. They are both leaving to live overseas next month. Abandonned!! Why do people keep leaving me. You guys have to stay here please.
I have had another mouse crisis tonight. I may need to get an exterminator. It is cute but in a bad way cos my cat brought it inside. Poor scared little thing. I made it a little house. Can't help thinking someone is trying to tell me something with these mice. I hope this one makes it. Maybe the message is - you will die of fear if you don't look after yourself. Treat yourself half as well as you treat the little mice and maybe you will be ok.
Thanks for listening to my rambles. xxxxxx
I did get myself to the meeting. It was good. There were about 50 people in the room - by far the biggest I have ever seen. It was the 25th birthday of that group. We have to put our names in a hat to be pulled out and those people were asked to share. I felt safe - never won any sort of lotto draw. My name was first. Riiiight. So maybe I was supposed to be there.
The shares were all so good. One that helped me was how we don't give ourselves any excuses any more. We all drank to numb something terrible. We have to accept the past - accept what it did to us. We can then put it down. I don't have to live with it any more. I don't have to drink any more. I am free. I can be happy. Right now!!! There are no more excuses. Damn - if I drink it is down to me. Can't blame it on Mum any more.
Another share I liked was how we get into the AA canoe. We can't take much with us - no teddy bears from our childhood - just the basics. There isn't enough room. We sit up the front and paddle. The HP is at the back steering.
One lady described how she had found women friendship. While drinking, she used to hang around with men. Same here!!! And it is amazing how many were in bad relationships while drinking. We are all the same. I don't even have to tell my story. Amazing.
Only bad thing is that I met two people at AA I have grown to love and who give me hugs. They are both leaving to live overseas next month. Abandonned!! Why do people keep leaving me. You guys have to stay here please.
I have had another mouse crisis tonight. I may need to get an exterminator. It is cute but in a bad way cos my cat brought it inside. Poor scared little thing. I made it a little house. Can't help thinking someone is trying to tell me something with these mice. I hope this one makes it. Maybe the message is - you will die of fear if you don't look after yourself. Treat yourself half as well as you treat the little mice and maybe you will be ok.
Thanks for listening to my rambles. xxxxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thank you so much Taz. I get all overwhelmed when you take time to write to me. You are such a guru. Our posts crossed.
I hope so much that you are right about the turning point. This horrible stuff has me on my knees.
I want to have a bubble around me. A booze free bubble filled with AA, SR, HP to protect me from it ever popping. No room for resentment, self pity or isolation. My happy little bubble.
Reminder to self for tomorrow when I wake up and read this thread.... ask for help, follow directions (only the good ones).
I hope so much that you are right about the turning point. This horrible stuff has me on my knees.
I want to have a bubble around me. A booze free bubble filled with AA, SR, HP to protect me from it ever popping. No room for resentment, self pity or isolation. My happy little bubble.
Reminder to self for tomorrow when I wake up and read this thread.... ask for help, follow directions (only the good ones).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
Hi D
Only bad thing is that I met two people at AA I have grown to love and who give me hugs. They are both leaving to live overseas next month. Abandonned!! Why do people keep leaving me. You guys have to stay here please.
I have had another mouse crisis tonight. I may need to get an exterminator. It is cute but in a bad way cos my cat brought it inside. Poor scared little thing. I made it a little house. Can't help thinking someone is trying to tell me something with these mice. I hope this one makes it. Maybe the message is - you will die of fear if you don't look after yourself. Treat yourself half as well as you treat the little mice and maybe you will be ok.
Thanks for listening to my rambles. xxxxxx
Only bad thing is that I met two people at AA I have grown to love and who give me hugs. They are both leaving to live overseas next month. Abandonned!! Why do people keep leaving me. You guys have to stay here please.
I have had another mouse crisis tonight. I may need to get an exterminator. It is cute but in a bad way cos my cat brought it inside. Poor scared little thing. I made it a little house. Can't help thinking someone is trying to tell me something with these mice. I hope this one makes it. Maybe the message is - you will die of fear if you don't look after yourself. Treat yourself half as well as you treat the little mice and maybe you will be ok.
Thanks for listening to my rambles. xxxxxx
I'm glad you had such a great meeting, and that you could find the positive in the plight of the poor little mouse. Great Post.
thanks once again Steph!
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
want to have a bubble around me. A booze free bubble filled with AA, SR, HP to protect me from it ever popping. No room for resentment, self pity or isolation. My happy little bubble.
Steph just keep in mind that no matter how bad things may get in life, if you can not get to a meeting, no one in your network is answering their phone and the internet is down that you have reached the point the BB speaks of where the only thing standing between you and a drink is your HP!!
Drop to your knees no matter where you are at and your HP will always be there, if you ask him for nothing more then the power to not pick up a drink long enough and hard enough the moment will pass and when it does you will really feel the power of your HP. You are never alone as long as you maintain contact with your HP.
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