Scared
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by Pilgrim 
You know what I wish for? I wish that when we decide we want to stop drinking, a big bird would come pick us up and carry us to a beautiful island. All of us on SR would be there. We would find new friends and we wouldn't have to carry on in our world surrounded by all the temptation and triggers. No one would feel lonely or scared. I would like the island to have lots of quiet safe places to go to relax and think and when we got scared or worried, there would be someone to help us feel safe and loved. We would do that for each other. The water there would taste so beautiful that there would be no craving. We would be allowed to stay there until we all healed completely so that we could go back out into the world and love.
This place already exists!!!! It exists because we want it to. I've been there and it's as wonderful as you describe
Steph. God has made it available to anyone who really wants to go there. No, it's not heaven, but it does exists, as sure as there is breath in your body it exists.
I know, I know, you think this is bs. But it's not. It's a place that doesn't require a ticket or transportation to get to. We're only required to do one thing. I'll let you decide for yourself where it is.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Pilgrim,
(Your new sis here, hahah) Just wanted to know how you are going. I have been going through some real tough times with my other sis. But thats another story. I hope you get some great things from here. Good People
A big hug!
(Your new sis here, hahah) Just wanted to know how you are going. I have been going through some real tough times with my other sis. But thats another story. I hope you get some great things from here. Good People
A big hug!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
I am sitting at my desk at the end of my busy work week. I am feeling pretty quiet and not all that great. I have been going through some stuff that sometimes makes me want to give up completely and just let the alcohol do its worst with me.
You know why I can't see more than in the moment when I am left alone? According to my shrink, I am reacting like a 7 month old baby whose Mother leaves the room. At that age, we have no concept that she will return.
I thought my Mother was my nanny cos Mum was so sick in hospital when I was born. Nanny left every night and I would scream. I would be left with my Mum who hated me for not wanting her. Mum said I smelt bad - nanny was asian and used to feed me strong smelling food. Then nanny left when I was 3. This story has been known to me all my life. I never knew what it was doing to me. When I am drinking I don't think about the future either.
Blahrgh...This has been such a very long road and I am so very tired. Here I am out in the world of adults, looking like an adult on the outside but reacting to things like a baby. Denial sometimes doesn't seem so bad. This fearless inventory stuff is not as easy as it sounds. I know I am not supposed to indulge in self pity but right now, I feel pretty sorry for that little baby and everything she had to do to get through since then.
Pretty freaked because it seems like one of those problems that might never go away - like being an alcoholic. Know what I have to do to stay sober just need to find the strength to make even small decisions. My promises are worth nothing right now and I keep letting myself and my friends down. I guess God is the only one who can help me now. I went to an AA meeting today. I hope this works this time.
You know why I can't see more than in the moment when I am left alone? According to my shrink, I am reacting like a 7 month old baby whose Mother leaves the room. At that age, we have no concept that she will return.
I thought my Mother was my nanny cos Mum was so sick in hospital when I was born. Nanny left every night and I would scream. I would be left with my Mum who hated me for not wanting her. Mum said I smelt bad - nanny was asian and used to feed me strong smelling food. Then nanny left when I was 3. This story has been known to me all my life. I never knew what it was doing to me. When I am drinking I don't think about the future either.
Blahrgh...This has been such a very long road and I am so very tired. Here I am out in the world of adults, looking like an adult on the outside but reacting to things like a baby. Denial sometimes doesn't seem so bad. This fearless inventory stuff is not as easy as it sounds. I know I am not supposed to indulge in self pity but right now, I feel pretty sorry for that little baby and everything she had to do to get through since then.
Pretty freaked because it seems like one of those problems that might never go away - like being an alcoholic. Know what I have to do to stay sober just need to find the strength to make even small decisions. My promises are worth nothing right now and I keep letting myself and my friends down. I guess God is the only one who can help me now. I went to an AA meeting today. I hope this works this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
I posted this last one because I thought it would help me get and stay sober. I was told I need to get stuff out in the open. I read another thread about childhood stuff where the advice was to let it go and move on. Forget the past.
I just wanted to add that this is not something I feel I can "harden up" about. It isn't like I am even thinking about my past. It is coming out as unconscious actions and asking me to forget about it - well it's like advising me not to blink. I don't seem to have a choice right now about facing up to some of this stuff. It's going to come at me whether or not I like it. I have spent my life trying to forget the past. It didn't work.
There are some things that run very deep and the effects come out as instincts. They are not welcome and I do not want them. I am trying to get better. I want to live. I want to be sober. I don't want to drink. I want to be well and not have these stupid crazy feelings any more.
Anyhow - I went to a meeting today and I got through today sober. I spoke to people. I have been honest today. So guess what - I am going to give myself a little pat on the back and try again tomorrow.
Thanks for being here my friends.
I just wanted to add that this is not something I feel I can "harden up" about. It isn't like I am even thinking about my past. It is coming out as unconscious actions and asking me to forget about it - well it's like advising me not to blink. I don't seem to have a choice right now about facing up to some of this stuff. It's going to come at me whether or not I like it. I have spent my life trying to forget the past. It didn't work.
There are some things that run very deep and the effects come out as instincts. They are not welcome and I do not want them. I am trying to get better. I want to live. I want to be sober. I don't want to drink. I want to be well and not have these stupid crazy feelings any more.
Anyhow - I went to a meeting today and I got through today sober. I spoke to people. I have been honest today. So guess what - I am going to give myself a little pat on the back and try again tomorrow.
Thanks for being here my friends.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
Wake up!!!! I need you guys. Stupid time zones. I'm bored and in need of instant help. hmmmpf. 
Nothing for it. I am just going to have to go and .. eat a lot of chocolate.
Nothing for it. I am just going to have to go and .. eat a lot of chocolate.
You stinker, almost had me fooled. But I know you too well Steph. You're going to hang in there. Next time you need to talk, you know what to do.
xxoo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 1,768
Hang in there Steph! Also great that you are seeing someone who can help you. CHEESECAKE?????????????? What flavor? How could you put this thought into my head?? Please tell me it's not chocolate, or I'm gonna go down, but the stuff and make one!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: south east
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
If there is no one with me, I feel completely abandoned and alone in the world. The loneliness engulfs me and I am a gonner. I think no one will ever show up ever again. I lose all track of the future and there is only now. Why can't I get it into my head that just because I am the only one in the house, I am not abandoned and unloved? Does any one else have that? It is illogical.
This reminded me of something so I'm going to jump in here and share. I once worked with a woman who talked constantly. I mean, there was never, ever a second of silence when she was around. She talked loud, too, and it was just non-stop about this that or the other, and it wore me out. She was somewhat domineering and really becoming a sandpaper person to me. One day she started talking about her childhood and how she was adopted...then she told me the whole story. Her mother was a drug addict, very much in the throes of her addiction when my coworker, who I'll call Diedre, was born. Shortly after her birth Diedre's mom left her with some friends and went out for the evening, and she didn't come back. Days and then weeks passed, and finally someone got in touch with Diedre's aunt, telling her on the phone that 'someone has to come get this baby'. The aunt tracked Diedre's mother down and found she was in jail without money to bail herself out. The aunt had always wanted children but was barren, so she made a deal with Diedre's mom that she would bail her out only if Diedre's mom would let her adopt Diedre, and Diedre's mom agreed.
Knowing this helped me see my co-worker in a whole new light. It helped me to understand, as I tried to imagine what it must have been like for her as a tiny baby, left in the care of people who clearly didn't want to be burdened with her care for more than a night. I wondered if Diedre's talking was a way of comforting herself, if somewhere inside she remembered being that infant and being totally alone and not being cared for. I only say this because I think all of the feelings we have like this are real and should be honored. Writing them out helps me, as well as talking to people about them if I am capable of it. I don't think we should denigrate ourselves for having fears liket his, however irrational they may *seem*, they may not have been at one time. I think we can comfort the child inside us that is afraid, in a respectful way, without beating up on ourselves for having feelings that we can't find a basis in present reality for.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Teej - I still have some chocolate easter eggs. Did you make a cheesecake?
Lanie - Thanks. It is so good to be understood. I have been very scared to tell anyone the extent of my problem. I have a fear that I will be too much for people to handle. That they will reject me for being defective because my feelings are too wierd. I don't talk alot but I guess I understand the comfort thing. Now that I am trying to find a way to comfort myself, maybe I am going to start talking my head off. Any suggestions for comforting ourselves that don't lead to obesity, scaring people away, annoying people? It needs to maybe be something a little bit repetitive maybe but not addictive. I have found comfort in the past from things like computer games - things that can take life away. Things that switch me off life. I also found comfort in gambling at pokie machines. I stopped that because I don't want to spend my money like that but I found the repetition and mind numbing side of them very calming.
Lanie - Thanks. It is so good to be understood. I have been very scared to tell anyone the extent of my problem. I have a fear that I will be too much for people to handle. That they will reject me for being defective because my feelings are too wierd. I don't talk alot but I guess I understand the comfort thing. Now that I am trying to find a way to comfort myself, maybe I am going to start talking my head off. Any suggestions for comforting ourselves that don't lead to obesity, scaring people away, annoying people? It needs to maybe be something a little bit repetitive maybe but not addictive. I have found comfort in the past from things like computer games - things that can take life away. Things that switch me off life. I also found comfort in gambling at pokie machines. I stopped that because I don't want to spend my money like that but I found the repetition and mind numbing side of them very calming.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
Wake up!!!! I need you guys. Stupid time zones. I'm bored and in need of instant help.
Nothing for it. I am just going to have to go and .. eat a lot of chocolate.
Nothing for it. I am just going to have to go and .. eat a lot of chocolate.
how's Saturday treating you ?
D
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
Teej - Any suggestions for comforting ourselves that don't lead to obesity, scaring people away, annoying people? It needs to maybe be something a little bit repetitive maybe but not addictive. I have found comfort in the past from things like computer games - things that can take life away. Things that switch me off life. I also found comfort in gambling at pokie machines. I stopped that because I don't want to spend my money like that but I found the repetition and mind numbing side of them very calming.
exercise, but, when I do commit to walking on my treadmill It helps
me feel better, maybe it's the endorphins kicking in, or maybe it's
because I start feeling healthier. This in turn leads to me feeling
better about myself. Just a thought. Hugs (((((((((((pilgram)))))))))
Hope3
P.S. my dog doesn't like it when I make him excersise.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by lanie67
This reminded me of something so I'm going to jump in here and share. I once worked with a woman who talked constantly. I mean, there was never, ever a second of silence when she was around. She talked loud, too, and it was just non-stop about this that or the other, and it wore me out. She was somewhat domineering and really becoming a sandpaper person to me. One day she started talking about her childhood and how she was adopted...then she told me the whole story. Her mother was a drug addict, very much in the throes of her addiction when my coworker, who I'll call Diedre, was born. Shortly after her birth Diedre's mom left her with some friends and went out for the evening, and she didn't come back. Days and then weeks passed, and finally someone got in touch with Diedre's aunt, telling her on the phone that 'someone has to come get this baby'. The aunt tracked Diedre's mother down and found she was in jail without money to bail herself out. The aunt had always wanted children but was barren, so she made a deal with Diedre's mom that she would bail her out only if Diedre's mom would let her adopt Diedre, and Diedre's mom agreed.
Knowing this helped me see my co-worker in a whole new light. It helped me to understand, as I tried to imagine what it must have been like for her as a tiny baby, left in the care of people who clearly didn't want to be burdened with her care for more than a night. I wondered if Diedre's talking was a way of comforting herself, if somewhere inside she remembered being that infant and being totally alone and not being cared for. I only say this because I think all of the feelings we have like this are real and should be honored. Writing them out helps me, as well as talking to people about them if I am capable of it. I don't think we should denigrate ourselves for having fears liket his, however irrational they may *seem*, they may not have been at one time. I think we can comfort the child inside us that is afraid, in a respectful way, without beating up on ourselves for having feelings that we can't find a basis in present reality for.
Knowing this helped me see my co-worker in a whole new light. It helped me to understand, as I tried to imagine what it must have been like for her as a tiny baby, left in the care of people who clearly didn't want to be burdened with her care for more than a night. I wondered if Diedre's talking was a way of comforting herself, if somewhere inside she remembered being that infant and being totally alone and not being cared for. I only say this because I think all of the feelings we have like this are real and should be honored. Writing them out helps me, as well as talking to people about them if I am capable of it. I don't think we should denigrate ourselves for having fears liket his, however irrational they may *seem*, they may not have been at one time. I think we can comfort the child inside us that is afraid, in a respectful way, without beating up on ourselves for having feelings that we can't find a basis in present reality for.
This is clearly one of the most insightful posts I've read here at SR. How you define the problem and give creedance to Steph's feelings is truly a gift from God. Your care and understanding can hardly be surpassed.
Please, please, please continue to give your gift to others. I'm just blown away and have no words.
Steph, I know exactly how you feel with regards to having someone finally undertand how you feel. What a blessing it is to have Lanie and everyone else here. This is how it's supposed to work.
Lanie
Steph
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Murfreesboro, TN
Posts: 595
Originally Posted by Golfman
Lanie,
This is clearly one of the most insightful posts I've read here at SR. How you define the problem and give creedance to Steph's feelings is truly a gift from God. Your care and understanding can hardly be surpassed.
Please, please, please continue to give your gift to others. I'm just blown away and have no words.
Steph, I know exactly how you feel with regards to having someone finally undertand how you feel. What a blessing it is to have Lanie and everyone else here. This is how it's supposed to work.
Lanie
Steph
This is clearly one of the most insightful posts I've read here at SR. How you define the problem and give creedance to Steph's feelings is truly a gift from God. Your care and understanding can hardly be surpassed.
Please, please, please continue to give your gift to others. I'm just blown away and have no words.
Steph, I know exactly how you feel with regards to having someone finally undertand how you feel. What a blessing it is to have Lanie and everyone else here. This is how it's supposed to work.
Lanie
Steph
Lanie
Steph
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Lanie - that idea of respecting the feelings is so cool. I don't want them and I don't want to dwell on them but I need to respect them and know why I have them. Thanks again. By doing that I honour myself when I was little and scared and so I honour something deep inside me so I can start to like myself. Not a defect. Not a mental hopeless case. It is just how it is. When I realise that, I might be able get out there and help myself. I can seek help for myself because I am worth helping.
Ed - thanks. I don't know how to thank you enough. Kisses and hugs back to you too.
Ed - thanks. I don't know how to thank you enough. Kisses and hugs back to you too.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by lanie67
I think we can comfort the child inside us that is afraid, in a respectful way, without beating up on ourselves for having feelings that we can't find a basis in present reality for.
And I absolutely love and wholeheartedly agree with every nuance of the above.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi guys
Just off to get a cup of tea and raid the pantry. On the hunt for cookies. I have the big sleeplessness withdrawal stuff happening. Got a headache and sore neck. Stomach is doing flips. Anyone about to have a cup of tea with me?
xxx
Just off to get a cup of tea and raid the pantry. On the hunt for cookies. I have the big sleeplessness withdrawal stuff happening. Got a headache and sore neck. Stomach is doing flips. Anyone about to have a cup of tea with me?
xxx
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
