Dee74

Illogical it might be Steph, but it doesn;t make it any less real for me - I think I'm was a lot like you - always thinking, often worried or fearful, even sometimes to the point of feeling actually sick or in pain.

I've no doubt it was one of the main reasons I started drinking years ago...and I also have no doubt that drinking serves to keep the worries and fears in place by totally decimating my self esteem, so it's a nasty little self-perpetuating cycle.

I think I'm, at base, very insecure - I'm getting a lot better...for a variety of reasons, I've been living alone for a few years now, and I had to deal with this or go mad...(unfortunately I chose the self medicating drink even heavier option)...

but even now I have moments when I just *need* the physical presence of those I love, or the next best thing...people are still telling me I phone them too much !

This group has helped me too - having someone to talk to helps to calm those
irrational fears that seem, for me, to come out of nowhere...

wish I could be of more help - but I'm thinking of you
D

Pilgrim

Hi D,

Thanks so much. It's so good to know I am not alone in this. Hehe.

I feel completely stupid about it but it is so real. I am just really stumped by this today but I think it is a good thing to realise. I mean - wow - how weird!

My good friend asked me a few days ago if I had any notion of consequences (the future) when I drink. The answer is a definite no. I really don't think about it. I only think about the moment. I don't think about who is missing me, what I could be doing instead and certainly don't think about the hangover the next day. Those were getting to the point of 24 hour incapacity but I still didn't remember them when it came time to start a session. All I had was now and all I cared about was avoiding pain in the moment.

It is the same when I am alone. I panic and I never said to myself that it is only for a while. I figure that if people aren't physically there, then it is because they don't care enough. I know academically that this is absolute rubbish. I am just describing what I go through. It is too bizarre.

Pilgrim

Hey Justjo - A new sis!! That is so cool.

I was very scared as a child in my family. I am trying to come to terms with some of it so maybe just now is my time to be a little careful with myself. I may need to steer clear for a while in order to get better.

I am finding this site is my new family these days.

Dee74

Steph
I think realising how bizarre and irrational these thoughts are is the first step in dealing with them...a few days after I stopped drinking, I felt like I was having a heart attack or something...It took me nearly all day but I finally realised it was a panic attack....why it happened I don't know...maybe the fear of not drinking or some BS like that...but as soon as I identified it and categorised it, I neutralised it and I felt better.

It's *bloody* hard to do though - dunno what it's like for you, but when I full on panic, it's like I feel paralysed, everything goes on hold, and I can see no end...rational thought is kind of a big call...but like I say, I've been chipping away at this for a few years now and I'm getting better, the panics are much less and far less severe these days...I figure every time I get through it without booze is another time I can say I faced it, I'm growing a new skill instead of hiding in a bottle...

take care - thinking of you
D

IO Storm

Steph:

Many things I could say, but maybe later.

One thing I will share is one of my most humbling of

memories.

I had relapsed, and was so confused and full of fear.

I was afraid of going back to AA or telling anyone anything.

But I went; alone. I sat and cried and listened.

Someone called on me at the end to share and I poured it

all out.

An old timer said gently " Will you keep coming back and

let us love you until you can learn to love yourself?"

I ask you Steph, to keep with us and let us love you.


:

Sherry

Pilgrim

Thanks D. It did feel better today on my own knowing this.

I totally understand the fear of not drinking. Not BS at all!

Yesterday when I was on my own, I guess I was having a panic attack. I couldn't even breathe properly. You are right - not much chance of a rational thought occurring at the time.

Sounds like you are doing well and congrats for getting through without booze. That is inspirational. You take care too.

Pilgrim

Hi Sherry.

I agree that meetings are really helpful. I went to a meeting on Friday and I will go again tomorrow. On Friday, I cried the whole time I talked and poured my heart out and listened to everyone. I am talking to people here too. I know I have a long way to go. You are right - I have trouble feeling love. When someone says they love me I don't really know what they mean yet. I have seen it here on this site. I believe it exists. I have asked about it and I have been told about it. I want to feel it. You are also right that I don't feel it for myself. I have been asking for help so I can experience it. I do believe I love my children. I think I will be able to do better for them when I start learning to love myself.

I am here and I am trying hard to be open - not cutting myself off or anything. I can't get better overnight. It will take some time.

Dee74

It does get easier Steph - you do learn to think 'hang on, I know what this is..and knowing what it is, I can deal with it'

stay strong
D

nanook2028

I can feel your pain...like they say in AA " One Day At A Time ", Praying for you.

Pilgrim

Thanks so much Nannoo and D. You know it's funny but even though it is horrible to go through and some times I don't even know if I will make it, I still think I am on the right track. This pain has been inside and hidden for so long.

Dee74

Yeah, stuff like this can run deep...like you said in another post, it'll take time. No-one, least of all youself, should expect any less.

In my experience, if you feel you're on the right track, you usually are - but as you know there's always lots of people here to share the load, to listen if you want help, need to vent, aren't sure...whatever...feel free to bounce ideas off me whenever you like

with ya
D

teej

Hellooooooo my little pretty!! How are you doing today?? Here's something to put a smile on your face..........


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of
hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm
and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it
wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my privat part and stretching down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. My private part ?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter-
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go
through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by
now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.

stone

Girly goodies!

That was hilarious teej!

Hi steph, sorry I have been away so long I have been staying at a friends house for a few days.
You said at least you feel like you are on the right track, I really believe that is true. It will take time but things will start improving and being open and honest here (and with yourself) is a huge start.

Love ya hunnibuns!

Golfman

Steph,

I know how difficult this is for you. It sound as if you are identifying those things which have held you back for so long. Keep pulling those thing out and letting the light of day shine on them. They will disappear soon. In the meantime, while emptying those things out from inside, you're making room for all the good stuff God is going to put in there. When it's all done, you will be filled with joy, peace, and most of all God's love. But I already know you have love in there because you give so much of it away each time you post.

xxoo

PS - TJ, if that's get people laughing I don't know what will. Thanks for letting me know how glad I am to be a man.

parentrecovers

note to steph - how are you today?

note to tj - STAY AWAY FROM THE WAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

k

GrouchoTheCat

I had tears in my eyes, I really did.

Read that post almost two hours ago and my tummy is still sore from laughing!

Keep your hands where I can see them and back away from the hair color.

Hmmmm, maybe I'll try coffee. Never seemed to grow hair in my nose when I
was younger...

Ted

IO Storm

Still with ya Steph.


Love,

:

Sherry

Pilgrim

TJ - hunny. OMG

Poor baby!

About half way through I could only read one sentence at a time. Thanks so much for the laugh. I love you for it.

Pilgrim

You know what I wish for? I wish that when we decide we want to stop drinking, a bit bird would come pick us up and carry us to a beautiful island. All of us on SR would be there. We would find new friends and we wouldn't have to carry on in our world surrounded by all the temptation and triggers. No one would feel lonely or scared. I would like the island to have lots of quiet safe places to go to relax and think and when we got scared or worried, there would be someone to help us feel safe and loved. We would do that for each other. The water there would taste so beautiful that there would be no craving. We would be allowed to stay there until we all healed completely so that we could go back out into the world and love.

Tazman53

Wow Steph now that Island sounds great and is a place I would have loved to have gone in my early days of sobriety. You know when you expressed that feeling of not really understanding love, I really related to that.

I knew I was supposed to love my wife and kids, but I really did not know what that meant or felt like, I did know that I sure did not love myself, the only relief I understood was alcohol and that had quit working, I hated myself and without the booze things really got messed up in my head, I knew I hated myself still, I knew I wanted a drink bad, but I also knew that it would not help.

I was scared to be alone because all of the thoughts would start spinning in my head! My safe place became meetings, meetings with people who had been right where I was at, who told me they would love me until I learned to love myself. Early in my sobreity I found that if I was not in a meeting and no one else was around that I had numbers of people I could call who understood the hell I was going through.

Slowly that kind of panicky feeling of being alone subsided, with the help of meetings and the phone combined with my family I slowly started to quit hating myself...... I wasn't drinking and I kind of felt good about that, for some reason I started have a feeling for my wife and kids I had for gotten about....... love!

In meetings I started to feel that these folks did really love me and understood the hell I was going through because they had been through it their selfs. Slowly I started to like the guy in the mirror in the morning, I started to feel self worth.

Steph you are not alone any more, you never were, but like me you tought you were. Steph trust me the longer you go without drinking, the more phone calls you make, the more you post on here, like me you are going to feel like you are never alone, because your not, there are millions of us all over the world.

Steph I wish we had an island like you speak of, but until some one comes up with it for this old alkie I will lean on AA and SR. Hang in there hon, as you are finding it does get better with time and meetings.

I wish I could tell you and every one else something magical to make it all go away, but all I can do is share with you where I was at about 7 months ago and how much better things are now, I now look back on that time as if it were a bad dream........ thank God I have slowly woke up from it.