Sober Rider

I have HONESTY

first to myself, then to family... friends.... strangers....

I have people like all of you here now as part of my life!

If I had known that being honest withmyself in the first place would bring so much goodness to me, I would have done it long ago!

I have GREATFULLNESS!

I agree Cathy,
Sobriety does ROCK!!

barb dwyer

I have friends.
REAL friends - not 'bar' friends.
Friends I'm no longer afraid to ask for help.

The 'future' has grown from a shadowy 'tomorrow' that now stretches all the way to the end of the month! (ok, so I'm still working on that one)

I'm not afraid when I wake up.

I know where my car is when I wake up.

I step outside and look at the base of the Rocky Mountains.
Sometimes I just have to stop and say to the sky, "I LIVE here!"

There could not possibly be a more perfectly suited AA Fellowship group for me that the one here. These people are my family. Something I've never known in thie lifetime.

There are people who actually care if I'm 'ok' today.

Now I understand why they invented Thanksgiving.
And made it a family holiday.

IO Storm

Quote from Ed:

Even been turned on in the past just by a woman's perfume. OOPPs, sorry, didn't mean to imply anything..

Yep. I smell real good now.

My blue eyes with the yellow diamonds in the middle

sparkle again. It's been awhile.

My skin glows.

A miracle after once having chirrhosis.

I seem to be in love with everybody.

I am attending church again.

I am there for my Mom as she needed special care

just at the time I got C and S. Thank God!

I feel strongly my life from now forward is to be of

service. To give back what has so freely been given to me..

I want to go back and finish my degree and counsel

women with addiction and abuse issues. This seems

reachable now.

Love you my friends.....great job!




Sherry

knobodyyouknow

groucho,

What's the catch? What I mean is, you are doing great sober...so what keeps you from relapsing?

I seem to need constant distraction and more to stay off my addiction such as working much too hard or long.

Tazman53

knobodyyouknow I can tell you what has kept me sober 207 days without a single relapse.

My HP, AA, the fellowship of AA, and the 12 steps of AA.

I drank for 40 years, I tried for the last 10 of those years to moderate or quit my way and failed! I put myself into detox where they told me if I wanted to stay sober my best chance was by going to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 and get a sponsor.

Well I no longer have the urge/need to drink and I am happier then I have been in over 30 years.

In a nut shell I swallowed my pride and admitted I alone was powerless over alcohol, I needed help, AA gave me that and so much more!

slacker

Aside from all the wonderful physical improvements in my health, I found something I lost a long time ago: self respect.

parentrecovers

not sure if i've met you, knobodyyouknow - welcome! blessings, k

JEI2950

Good Morning , I can sympathize with you , knobodyyouknow, I also have to keep myself fully absorbed by some form of activity , to keep from relapsing ,However I recently ran out of things to do, I get tired of cleaning the house , and paying bills and cooking dinner , Tazman53, your'e example of what you did inspires, and I will try the very same thing myself starting AGAIN this afternoon .I hope what worked for you will also work for me , I still retain hope and ask that you all pray for me . Thanx to all . JEI PS. my recent sobriety granted me a moment of clarity and self - reflection .I didn't like what I saw .I have taken this as a positive , seeing as though I am becoming very tired of the person that my addiction has created .

Tazman53

JEI you will be in my prayers, trust me I still can not decide which was harder, being honest with myself about being an alcoholic, which I finally did, but I simply surrendered to alcohol and rather then fight it decided to just drink.

Or once I saw death in my future if I kept drinking, swallowing that huge lump of pride and for the first time in my life admitting there was something I could not do by myself......... up until I fought King Alcohol there was nothing mentally or physically I could not do once I put my mind to it all by myself with no help.

I needed help and I asked for it first via detox and then through AA.

JEI2950

Thank you for your reply and comments ,I am really going through a hard time , I am experiencing fear ,doubt , self pity , regret, and the rest of the usual crap that goes along with recent relapse , I have only two days clean , but I am going back to NA today ,I just wish that I could get rid of this feeling of total worthlessness that I have today, But I wanted to thank you and others for all of your support prayers and replies ,they come at a time when thet are GREATLY appreciated and well recieved . Thanx JEI

Tazman53

JEI why don't you give your sponsor a buzz..... it will make his day and help keep him straight as well.

wozzek

IT WILL GO AWAY if you stay clean!! I am on my 46 day today. On my 22 / 23 I was so severely depressed that I almost killed myself but now I am full of energy and hope!!

In the meantime I found out that the love of my love is going to die of a liver cancer. The IRS levied my tax returns and I have no money to eat. I will be homeless again soon. I do not have a job. But I DID finish my "million dollars screenplay" and after some much needed polishing (English is my third language) I will send it out and be rich and famous again.

I am ready to take a janitorial job and am applying for such positions. In fact I would PREFER to get such job. I don't care - on stock options I can multiply any amount tenfold, if I would have "any amount" available to play the markets

I am angry as hell because the IRS is keep abusing me but I fight with them and will eventually take them to the Court and will win. Yesterday I met with the lead for my next project and will start writing it today. He was captivated by my passion - I wasn't a pathetic drunk loser but a man who knows what he wants and is able to make it happen. I did not cry over the fact I was hungry and did not have $$ to eat.

I have established a not-for profit corporation (hehehe, yes, I cannot live without the IRS anymore) and am waiting for a tax-exempt letter and am getting projects lined up while waiting. Getting ready for the life and work again. One of these projects would be on our disease - I owe that much to fellow suferers.

I do not have life, no family, friends, nothing. But ONLY BECAUSE I DO NOT DRINK ANYMORE and DO NOT GIVE A FLYING F*** ABOUT IT, I am ABLE to cope with all this because, guess what, I am not a selfish self-centered moron anymore. There are people that suffer outside, much more than myself, there are misery and pain as well as the beauty and hope outside. Outside the glass of drink, that is.

So I WANT THE LIFE, I need to rebuild it, to make it worthwhile again. Give me that drink and I would be a whining, pathetic, wimpy coward crying over my bad luck, situations, blah blah blah, will be depressed, suicidal, defeated.

To this is what is POSITIVE about my sobriety! I am NOT a SLAVE of the booze anymore - I am a man with grave problems, granted, but ready and willing to grab the life for the balls and squeeze it as long as it is needed in order to get my life back.

Otherwise, I can look back at the bottom of the glass and in that mirror see my not so nice face. I had been looking at it too long. Thank you very much. Have many fights to fight, fights I would never be able to fight if I wasn't sober!!! If this is not a reason to stay sober better get me that loaded gun

.

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Nobody, First of all you are SOMEBODY, even if you don't feel like it right now.

I really have not done this yet on this forum but it is time.

What’s the catch? Why am I doing great sober?

I must tell you that I have relapsed more times than I can count and I pray I never relapse again.

In order to answer you, I need to tell you some of my story.

Circa 1989, I was 27 years old.

I was living at my parent’s house. I had no money. I had no friends. I was scrounging bottles for the return deposit so I could buy a 40oz beer to get through a few hours. I had dropped out of community college. I had failed in a career in the military and barely got out before they kicked me out. I was divorced from the marriage from hell. I had had two DWI’s.

I had nothing. I couldn’t stop drinking. I did not want to drink but I couldn’t stop.

My grand idea was to sell my car, take a greyhound bus to upper Washington state (from Vermont) and then ride my bicycle up the Alaska highway and get a job helping to clean up the spill from the Exxon Valdese spill. I was dead serious, I had it all planned out. I figured if I did this, I couldn’t drink because there is nothing on that road to Alaska. Trouble was no-one would buy my vintage Beetle.

My Parents had taken me out to dinner at a nice restaurant and lovingly told me that they would no longer enable me.

Shortly thereafter I asked for help. My folks got me to a detox. I got to AA. Life got better. I was happy. I had a good relationship with a wonderful woman who was also in AA. We are still friends. After a couple of years of getting good jobs and then getting laid off, I decided to go back in the Military and finish my career, after all I had invested 7 years of my life, even if I did not remember much.

I was stationed on the south coast of Massachusetts on a ship. There I met a great guy who was also in the program. We even had meetings under way on the ship. There were about four of us. When we pulled into port, we would seek out a meeting and go. I have wonderful sober memories of places like the Cayman Islands, Trinidad and Tobago, Nova Scotia, etc.

I met a wonderful woman and fell in love (She is still with me today(why, I’ll never know)). After another six years of Military duty I got out again, but this time stayed in the reserves. I got a great 50k+ job. I loved it at first but it was very stressful and my meetings slipped.

Long story short I got away from AA and started drinking again after 5+ years of pretty good sobriety.

Thought I was cured. Thought I was drinking socially. Trouble was I could not drink socially. I started drinking daily pretty quick. Lost the good job. Decided to go back to school. There I was drunk for a few days, then I would sober up for a few days. I would get up in the morning and tell myself that I would not drink. I usually made it about an hour, then I would decide to have ‘just one’. Of course, once I took one, I could not stop. I remember waking up on Monday mornings and waiting for long, long hours until 9am when the liquor store opened. Then waiting another ½ hour just so I wouldn’t look like I needed to drink to the liquor store owner. Who the hell was I kidding? I was one of his best customers. Inevitably, I did rotten in school and wound up with crappier and crappier jobs until I was simply not able to work. I also reached the point in my progression where I could no longer stop on my own. The detoxes started.

I had a car accident, not my fault but the car was totaled. I had been drinking but I got away with it. Got insurance money and got another new car. This one I wrecked on the Main turnpike late at night because I clipped a car, went out of control and impacted a guardrail at 110 miles an hour. I had decided to die and I vividly remember jamming my foot down on the accelerator and leaving it there. I just wanted to die.

Of course, I lived, and thank god no-one was hurt. Got another DWI. I sobered up for a while but was soon drinking again. I ran the next (new) car into a telephone pole in New Hampshire. Totaled it. Another DWI. Did 30 days in county jail and 2 years of probation.

Didn’t drink on probation, but was taking painkillers for a bad back. Wound up having back surgery. Eventually ran out of pills and drank again. This time I detoxed from booze, benzodiazepines (to sleep) and narcotic pain killers all at the same time. It was incredibly miserable.

This time I got in with a fantastic group of people in AA. I got a sponsor. I went on commitments I made coffee. Things were improving yet again. Then there was a death in the family and for some reason it really hit me hard and I started again, this time only for a couple of weeks.

I went back to detox and immediately back into the arms of AA.

I haven’t looked back so to speak.

1. Every morning I ask a power greater than myself to get through today without a drink.
2. I call my sponsor every day.
3. I go to a meeting of AA (if I am able to).
4. I am active. I go on commitments with my group.
5. Before I go to sleep I thank my Higher power for the simple fact that I did not drink.

Today I have a job. I have a car that cost $750.00. Last week I got a letter from the military that I have done 20 years of service and will get a pension at 60.

But more than any material thing, I have peace of mind.

I tried to die. I should be dead. However I am not dead today and for that simple blessing I am thankful and I try to do some small thing to increase the happiness of every person I come in contact with through the day. It can be nothing more than a sincere ‘how are you’ and a smile. I am blessed that I work in retail and have that opportunity with many people every day.

So what’s the catch?

I surrendered.

I stopped fighting booze.

I am at peace with the fact that I am an alcoholic.

This is important.



I am at peace with the fact that I am an alcoholic.




It took me 44 years to come to a place where I am at peace with myself.

Now when that 6 foot 4” bully wants to fight me I don’t try to fight him. I tell him to have a nice day and I walk away.

Is it always easy, Hell no. But when I get restless or upset I call someone in the program and I tell them about it and it goes away.

This was a rather long answer and I really only scratched the surface. I just hope it makes sense to someone.

I wish you well Somebody.

Hang in there. It gets better.

Ted

TINLIZZY

Ted -

It makes a lot of sense to me!

Thank You -

TinLizzy

Dee74

a short one...I seeing glimpses again of a guy I though was long dead and buried...and I'm discovering I really like lots of things about him...

peace all
D

Dee74

Ted, this is a *great* post....I fought, kicked, bit, scratched and generally struggled against this for nearly 15 years...a couple of weeks ago, I came here, read what folks had to say...and let go.

I surrended. I admitted I was an alcoholic.

Even if I get stupid again (God Forbid) that will still be the best decision I ever made...

thanks, man
D

Nuclerosis

OK I'm to post why I hate the fact that I'm NOT sober.

I don't remember what I did between 6PM and 10PM.

My housemates arrived today and I have no memory of them, or their parents. And I'm terrified that I staggered out and made an idiot of myself. But I don't remember.

I hate the fact that I could try and kill myself, again, at any time, any day.

I hate the fact that I've turned a 150 IQ into nothing.

I hate the fact that my sister is going to be lawyer, and my brother is going to be a doctor, and I am going to be... nothing.

Dee74

c'mon..you're not nothing now, and not likely to become nothing....

I've read your posts elsewhere, and you seem smart, fairly self aware, and capable of decent self analysis...you're here, you know (or at least strongly suspect) you have a problem, and you seem to have the desire to seek help and search out ways to stop this behaviour...

Your addiction, your disease - call it what you will - is NOT WHO YOU ARE.
It can only define us if we let it do so - falling down is only a failure if you don't get up again.

This is a good place - lots of ideas, lots of support, and lots of folks a lot farther up the road than either you or I to help guide us through...

I hope to see you around
D

tried to send this before - hope 2 posts don't show up !

GrouchoTheCat

Hey there Nuclerosis,

My Sister has a double degree and married a super nice very successful lawyer. I'm 45 years old and I run a cash register. So what.

At least (no thank God) I'm sober.

Heard at a meeting one time:

I'm not the man I could be, I'm not the man I should be. Thank God I'm not the man I was!

I am glad you found this site Nuclerosis, I can only hope that you will identify with something I post here, and maybe you will come to realize that you too can become and remain sober.

I didn't have much fun drinking. But there is hope for me today.

Ted

Nuclerosis

Woke up this morning, feeling sick as a dog. Got up and noticed that the kitchen door was shut; I was terrified that I'd been sick or passed out and that my housemates had found me (again). Luckily I seem to have avoided that at least. I've still got NO idea what the hell happened between 5:30 - 9:30 in the evening.