rusty443

i'm really unsure about writing this but i really have no one to turn to to ask for their advice. having battled and still battling alcoholism myself i took it upon myself six months ago to help and support an old friend of mine whom is battling the same addiction, my partner and my friend were close friends a while back but their friendship has dwindled away due to me offering my support, my partner has been really unhappy about the whole thing, he has always insisted that my friend will turn me against him or try to break us up so he can have me to himself, my friend has a great deal of respect for me and has assured me before being taken ill that it is only friendship he wants. now my friend is really ill from liver cirhosis but recovering my partner has expressed his wishes that he doesn't want me offering my support if my friend comes out of hospital. his excuse now is that he doesn't want it mentally draining me. i'm confused over it all. i so want to be their for my friend but want to stay in my current relationship. what do i do?

symposium

It seems weird that your partner, who is a recovered/recoverying alcoholic wouldn't want you to give support.

Maybe you can compromise. Like you can support your friend, but not be alone with him, if its jealousy that is the problem.

In my experience, watching someone suffer and not being able to help them is more mentally draining than actually giving them support.

I hope you can work it out. Good luck to you and your friend.

Golfman

Rusty,

First, welcome to SR and what a lovely place you live in. Been to the UK twice, traveled right through where you are. If fact, coming again in July.

Regarding your partner, many men have a very difficult time accepting that their female partner could have a male friend without there being anything else under the surface. I will say this just about me...i know that when my girlfriend, now wife of 35 years, had male friends, i always thought the worst. The reason, because I knew in my mind what I would do if I were to become "friends" with another woman. Again, that's just me. I'm not accusing your partner of feeling this way.

That being said, as an individual, you do have the right to have friends of your choosing. If your partner doesn't see, or doesn't want to see that this friend is important to you, then your partner is being somewhat selfish. He wants you all to himself. Maybe somewhat of a control issue there as well.

Saying he doesn't want this to be mentally draining on you is certainly an excuse. He thinks that if he says something that seems to be in your best interest, he can show that he's concerned with you, not your friend. I can assure you that your partner is jealous and feels threatened.

You might want to think about a way to assure him that you love him. Do something nice for him, a romantic dinner, a surprise "romantic" encounter, etc. You might write him a little note saying how much he means to you. Just make sure you let him know that you need your freedom too and that if he really loves you, he should want the best for you.

Well, that's all the advice I have, but I've been in your partner's shoes and know how I felt. I do hope that you will address your own alcohol problem soon. The confusion may start to clear once you start on your own road to recovery.

Your friend in sobriety,
Ed

Tazman53

I am going to ak a question that I expect no answer on but may help you understand where your partner may be coming from. How did the 2 of you meet? Were you helping him get sober?

Emimily

hi rusty, welcome!

i've been in a million dramas like this, but it was usually feuled by me being flirty with said "friend." i think if this cat is truly your friend, and it's strictly platonic, then the three of you should be able to hang without an issue. it might be good for your partner too, to get to know your buddy. maybe it'll raise your partner's compassion meter a bit.

take good care.

chip

Rusty,
Welcome to SR. I hope you find some answers here.

When you say that you are "still battling alcoholism", does this mean that you are in recovery/sober? The best help any alcoholic can get is from another alcoholic who is in recovery.

Sometimes, we need to make sure we are ok before we can be of any help to others.
peace be with you,
chip

requiredfield

I think you should be taking care of yourself and the relationships that you want in your life. If you are feeling neglected or your partner feels the relationship is being neglected.. see to it that you have open, honest communication and work on repairing those two things before you give too much of yourself away to help someone else. In other words, you can't give anything to anyone that you haven't got inside of you. Sounds like the whole thing is rather complicated.. try keeping it really simple. You don't have to throw your whole life away to try to help someone else. If this person truly wants help and wants to get sober they will do anything to get there.. you do not have to help them through every step of it... especially when it's hurting other areas of your life. And of course, I would respond differently if the case was that your partner is just being insecure and completely unreasonable. I don't really like giving advice... but when I read your post it made me think.... you can't help anyone else when you're not taking care of yourself first...

rusty443

Thankyou for your very useful advice golfman. I have addressed my issues regarding alcoholism, i have achieved two years sobriety so far, and will continue, more so now after seeing the horrorfying consequences that alcohol can do to you as it has done with my friend. Tazman, my partner and i have known each other for six years, we have always been friends up untill a year ago when we decided to become more. i'm actually seeing that this is a jealousy thing and am going to deal with it the best way i can. It would be nice to have his blessing but if he can't see my reasons for offering support to my friend then he'll have to deal with it. I can reassure him but if he hasn't got trust in me then there is no way i'll stay in the relationship. His trust in me or lack of is what bothers me the most!

rusty443

Chip i have been sober for two and a half years, i say i'm still battling because some days i still do feel like a drink but i choose to stay sober, it still feels like a battle some days.

chip

Rusty,
Understood. You've been sober longer than I have, and I have a high amount of respect for anybody who is working on their recovery.

I've had some recent battles as well, and I undertsand what you are talking about. AA has helped me out with stuff like that. SR helps as well.

My comments about taking care of ourselves is mainly about "spreading oneself too thin" when we need our strength to stay sober.

Once, in AA, a person who was sober for 6 months tried to help her friend who was still drinking. She tried, and she burned herself out. In the end, they were both drinking again.

I'm not saying this could happen to you. I'm just saying that one should be careful when one has his/her own addiction battles to fight. I don't know the whole situation, but it sounds like you have a big heart. You have a big heart, and it's very loving of you to help your friend.

Please take care of youself as well, k? That's all I'm saying. I hope you keep posting here.
peace,
chip

rusty443

chip thankyou so much for your kind words, i understand totally what you're saying. a few months back i had to stand back from the situation and explain to my friend that i was struggling to help as it was burning me out. he understood but began drinking again. he has been in hospital for two weeks now and i have only been to see him three times, i have rang to see how he is doing and asked nurses to pass words on. i have stayed away thinking that he'll open up to nurses and doctors in there and find for himself the necessary support. when or if it comes to him being discharged i will speak to the doctor myself and explain my situation, hopefully they will put in place necessary support once he returns home.

thankyou once more chip

Tazman53

Rusty what you are doing is very noble, just keep your own sobreity in mind first.