girlfriend is sabotaging my sobriety
doing nothing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: socal
Posts: 73
girlfriend is sabotaging my sobriety
I love her dearly, but she is sabotaging me and my attempt at sobriety. We have been dating for about 5 years and living together for over 2 years. She is 37 years old and has only been drinking as long as we have lived together, so I considered her drinking in a different league from mine as I have been an alky for 15 years.
Several months ago she noticed I wasn't drinking after only two days, and thought it odd enough to ask me about it. I explained that I wanted to quit drinking, the reasons why, and what I would like her to do to help (don't bring booze into the home).
The day after I explained this to her, she brings home a handle of Stolicnaya (my preferred sauce) and leaves it on the kitchen counter. I get a little upset at this and once again explain my position. She still wants to have a nightly drink and claims this as her right. I did pretty good for a week or two, then I failed and got drunk on her vodka. I kept drinking nightly for another month or so then went for sobriety again.
I explained again to her what I wanted to do, and how much it would help if she just did me the small favor of not having booze in the home for a while while I get some sober time. Three days later I find two quarts of beer in the fridge that she picked up while grocery shopping. I get mad, we argue a bit about that, and she acts like I don't appreciate her. She goes to bed and I drank the beer and finished off her vodka getting quite smashed. I started over with sobriety the next day.
Now she is at least hiding the jug of vodka in the pantry (found it) but she makes a Cosmopolitan or two every night and drinks in front of me, acting like it's nothing. I was on-off with my consumption during the next couple months or so.
I am back to 2-weeks sober and last night we got into it again about having booze in the house. She was drunk ("No I'm not!" she insisted) but any alcoholic knows a drunk when they see one, and that just made the argument worse. I had to take the keys from her and physically block the front door so she wouldn't drive drunk when she got tired of arguing.
She is afraid I will leave her if I get my act together. She is a passive-agressive codependent trying to control my sobriety so she can keep me. I have no intent of leaving her if I maintain sobriety, but she doesn't see it that way. It's worth noting that her father was a hardcore drinker who died this year from liver failure, he even got a liver transplant last year.
I think we need to talk to a counselor about our relationship, she seemed very offended by that suggestion as if I was accusing her of having some mental defect.
I don't know what to do, maybe our relationship requires me to be drunk so that I will put up with her crap.
Several months ago she noticed I wasn't drinking after only two days, and thought it odd enough to ask me about it. I explained that I wanted to quit drinking, the reasons why, and what I would like her to do to help (don't bring booze into the home).
The day after I explained this to her, she brings home a handle of Stolicnaya (my preferred sauce) and leaves it on the kitchen counter. I get a little upset at this and once again explain my position. She still wants to have a nightly drink and claims this as her right. I did pretty good for a week or two, then I failed and got drunk on her vodka. I kept drinking nightly for another month or so then went for sobriety again.
I explained again to her what I wanted to do, and how much it would help if she just did me the small favor of not having booze in the home for a while while I get some sober time. Three days later I find two quarts of beer in the fridge that she picked up while grocery shopping. I get mad, we argue a bit about that, and she acts like I don't appreciate her. She goes to bed and I drank the beer and finished off her vodka getting quite smashed. I started over with sobriety the next day.
Now she is at least hiding the jug of vodka in the pantry (found it) but she makes a Cosmopolitan or two every night and drinks in front of me, acting like it's nothing. I was on-off with my consumption during the next couple months or so.
I am back to 2-weeks sober and last night we got into it again about having booze in the house. She was drunk ("No I'm not!" she insisted) but any alcoholic knows a drunk when they see one, and that just made the argument worse. I had to take the keys from her and physically block the front door so she wouldn't drive drunk when she got tired of arguing.
She is afraid I will leave her if I get my act together. She is a passive-agressive codependent trying to control my sobriety so she can keep me. I have no intent of leaving her if I maintain sobriety, but she doesn't see it that way. It's worth noting that her father was a hardcore drinker who died this year from liver failure, he even got a liver transplant last year.
I think we need to talk to a counselor about our relationship, she seemed very offended by that suggestion as if I was accusing her of having some mental defect.
I don't know what to do, maybe our relationship requires me to be drunk so that I will put up with her crap.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
hey slacker, i think the idea of you going to a private counselor without her at this point if need be sets a great example for your girlfriend, and helps you also. it's really a win/win! blessings, k
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Slacker, my experience has been that there's only one person who's responsible for keeping ME sober and that's me, myself, and I. There are many ways you can support her, counseling would be great, but make an effort to take care of yourself first and guard your sobriety. You can't control or change her.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Slacker..does sound like a bit of a game going on. I know my ex was very concerned that if I sobered up ..I'd leave. He was a drunk too tho. I too think counselling is a great idea. I have been sober not quite 4 months...longest ever. I'd quit many times unsuccessfully..this time its with a fellowship of other drunks. For me, getting sober is sorta like waking up from a coma. Everybody else seemed to grow up, whilst I stayed drunk for almost 20 years. Sobriety is hard enough without the demands of a relationship that's cat and mouse. I just can't imagine how much harder it would be within that sort of dynamic. I don't profess to have any answers for ya. I can only empathisize with your struggle.
I wish you well..and I hope you keep posting.
I wish you well..and I hope you keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Not knowing the players personally, I can just guess. You may try pouring the stuff out each time you find it, and not get bated into an arguement about it. Just tell her she better hide it better next time.
Having lived with a controling bipolar, there is not much dealing with them, As much as I tried to reassure my Ex, she never saw her own faults, it was always me.
Maybe as Nuu suggested, you're growing and shes not. But you gotta face some facts, man, if you have been an alky for 15 years, it's probably time to start getting away from the stuff. Calmly explain this to her, and tell her you would like her help.
Best wishes
S
Having lived with a controling bipolar, there is not much dealing with them, As much as I tried to reassure my Ex, she never saw her own faults, it was always me.
Maybe as Nuu suggested, you're growing and shes not. But you gotta face some facts, man, if you have been an alky for 15 years, it's probably time to start getting away from the stuff. Calmly explain this to her, and tell her you would like her help.
Best wishes
S
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hello Slacker
I think the counseling is a good idea.
My first thought on reading the thread title was...
No one can sabotage my sobriety but me. Others can make things uncomfortable but it is still my choice to say yes or no to that first drink.
Talking things out with her and having a third person that can mediate sure can help both gain a better understanding.
You need remember though... Your choice to stop was your choice and action. No one else could force such on you and she will continue or stop drinking when or if she sees a need to do so. We can only control our own actions to drink or not drink. We can not control other people to do so. You stop, she continues... that is her choice. Do what you need do for you and she can join you in stopping or not. That is her choice.
I think the counseling is a good idea.
My first thought on reading the thread title was...
No one can sabotage my sobriety but me. Others can make things uncomfortable but it is still my choice to say yes or no to that first drink.
Talking things out with her and having a third person that can mediate sure can help both gain a better understanding.
You need remember though... Your choice to stop was your choice and action. No one else could force such on you and she will continue or stop drinking when or if she sees a need to do so. We can only control our own actions to drink or not drink. We can not control other people to do so. You stop, she continues... that is her choice. Do what you need do for you and she can join you in stopping or not. That is her choice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I dunno... have you try AA for support. i do understand that
it's extreemly hard if the stuff is in front of you all the time.
That's why there support group...mmm we don't get support at home.
And it is suggest you don't make big changes in earily recovery.
Like get a diviorced.
The AA Big Book pretty much say, even if I decide to move the the north
pole to get away from alcohol an eskimo would still offer me a drink.
And there's damn liquor stores everywhere
And there's drunks at work and we all get offer drinks every now and then.
My Gf relapsed for almost 3 years...i stay sober.
I relapsed for 2 weeks, but she didn't bring alcohol..I did.
Yes...yes i blame her for my relapsed at first..
But ultimately it is my recovery.
May i also suggest you looking into co-dependency or attending al-anon
if you choose to stay in your realtionship.
Trying to stop drinking is hard enough as you know.
Trying to control Ur gf drinking. Will, from my experince....
It almost made me loonier than a bat.
Kind of like you're getting a little bit of that loony toon going, at the moment.
it's extreemly hard if the stuff is in front of you all the time.
That's why there support group...mmm we don't get support at home.
And it is suggest you don't make big changes in earily recovery.
Like get a diviorced.
The AA Big Book pretty much say, even if I decide to move the the north
pole to get away from alcohol an eskimo would still offer me a drink.
And there's damn liquor stores everywhere
And there's drunks at work and we all get offer drinks every now and then.
My Gf relapsed for almost 3 years...i stay sober.
I relapsed for 2 weeks, but she didn't bring alcohol..I did.
Yes...yes i blame her for my relapsed at first..
But ultimately it is my recovery.
May i also suggest you looking into co-dependency or attending al-anon
if you choose to stay in your realtionship.
Trying to stop drinking is hard enough as you know.
Trying to control Ur gf drinking. Will, from my experince....
It almost made me loonier than a bat.
Kind of like you're getting a little bit of that loony toon going, at the moment.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I can only speak from my experience, and it may not apply to you or to the way things will work for you.
I left a seven-year relationship when I went to rehab. I knew it was do or die, and I knew that me going to meetings and therapy was not going to fly. He was much too controlling, and in the past, when I "put the plug in the jug," he made sure there was always a gallon of homemade wine in the refrigerator -- a gift from an old Italian friend that he couldn't just give away or dump out (the ex wasn't a drinker).
He didn't like my drinking, didn't really do it himself, and though he did like to keep me on edge by keeping it around, the one thing he did like was his toot. And I was his coke buddy. So when together we would resolve to quit (too expensive, it was going to kill one or both of us, we would get arrested....all the good reasons besides "we're addicts"), I'd get a few days under my belt & walk into the bedroom only to find lines cut out on a mirror. "Surprise!" he'd say to me.
I couldn't take any more surprises. And I surely couldn't get clean & sober with someone who had no intention of stopping. I also couldn't do it alone. He was waaaaay too jealous and controlling to "allow me" to go to meetings without him. So I left. Yes, I loved him, but I knew I wasn't going to love him or anyone else (like my children) in my life much longer if I kept going with him.
That's just my experience. Some folks are threatened when we begin to change from the person they can control into someone with which they have no experience. Sometimes, I think we can ride out their insecurities (there's help out there for them, too!), but if there's not at least a modicum of support, I believe we're making a hard situation damned near impossible.
Good luck. Let us know how you're making out.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I left a seven-year relationship when I went to rehab. I knew it was do or die, and I knew that me going to meetings and therapy was not going to fly. He was much too controlling, and in the past, when I "put the plug in the jug," he made sure there was always a gallon of homemade wine in the refrigerator -- a gift from an old Italian friend that he couldn't just give away or dump out (the ex wasn't a drinker).
He didn't like my drinking, didn't really do it himself, and though he did like to keep me on edge by keeping it around, the one thing he did like was his toot. And I was his coke buddy. So when together we would resolve to quit (too expensive, it was going to kill one or both of us, we would get arrested....all the good reasons besides "we're addicts"), I'd get a few days under my belt & walk into the bedroom only to find lines cut out on a mirror. "Surprise!" he'd say to me.
I couldn't take any more surprises. And I surely couldn't get clean & sober with someone who had no intention of stopping. I also couldn't do it alone. He was waaaaay too jealous and controlling to "allow me" to go to meetings without him. So I left. Yes, I loved him, but I knew I wasn't going to love him or anyone else (like my children) in my life much longer if I kept going with him.
That's just my experience. Some folks are threatened when we begin to change from the person they can control into someone with which they have no experience. Sometimes, I think we can ride out their insecurities (there's help out there for them, too!), but if there's not at least a modicum of support, I believe we're making a hard situation damned near impossible.
Good luck. Let us know how you're making out.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Slacker, Astro said it really.
Yes, it can be harder when your SO is bringing alcohol into the house, however, your sobriety is up to you.
You can stop the game..............................just don't respond. Your SO probably has a LOT OF FEAR. Fear you won't want her once you are in recovery. Fear that she may also have a problem and is in denial. Fear what therapy may bring out.
Recovery is so much more than just stopping drinking. I personally used AA to learn how to LIVE SOBER. There were a lot of ISMs that I had to work on for me to be comfortable within my own skin.
Have you sought any outside help yet? I cannot STRESS enough that trying to stay sober along can really suck!!!! Being around others who had been where I was or who were at where I was in recovery sure helped this alkie a lot. No judgements. No sneers. No weird looks. etc
For almost my first 6 months, I went to AA not for their 12 step program, but just to feel SAFE. To be around sober people, and to make some new sober friends. I got phone numbers and learned to use them. That was almost 26 years ago and I am still on the Recovery Road. You can be too.
It is hard being in a relationship and trying or sobriety. It is hard on the SO, but it is harder on the one afflicted. Maybe suggest to your girlfriend to try some Alanon meetings for here. Just tell her that she will find lots of others who are in her predictament. That it will help her. Then let it go. If she goes, great, if she doesn't her choice.
Private therapy for you is an option that many in recovery have used. It can help, whether she goes with you or not.
Right now, if you truly want sobriety, you need to be working on you. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing, we do care.
I would also like to congratulate you on your 2 weeks. I still remember how hard it was in the beginning, wo 2 weeks is quite an accomplishment!!!
Love and hugs,
Yes, it can be harder when your SO is bringing alcohol into the house, however, your sobriety is up to you.
You can stop the game..............................just don't respond. Your SO probably has a LOT OF FEAR. Fear you won't want her once you are in recovery. Fear that she may also have a problem and is in denial. Fear what therapy may bring out.
Recovery is so much more than just stopping drinking. I personally used AA to learn how to LIVE SOBER. There were a lot of ISMs that I had to work on for me to be comfortable within my own skin.
Have you sought any outside help yet? I cannot STRESS enough that trying to stay sober along can really suck!!!! Being around others who had been where I was or who were at where I was in recovery sure helped this alkie a lot. No judgements. No sneers. No weird looks. etc
For almost my first 6 months, I went to AA not for their 12 step program, but just to feel SAFE. To be around sober people, and to make some new sober friends. I got phone numbers and learned to use them. That was almost 26 years ago and I am still on the Recovery Road. You can be too.
It is hard being in a relationship and trying or sobriety. It is hard on the SO, but it is harder on the one afflicted. Maybe suggest to your girlfriend to try some Alanon meetings for here. Just tell her that she will find lots of others who are in her predictament. That it will help her. Then let it go. If she goes, great, if she doesn't her choice.
Private therapy for you is an option that many in recovery have used. It can help, whether she goes with you or not.
Right now, if you truly want sobriety, you need to be working on you. Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing, we do care.
I would also like to congratulate you on your 2 weeks. I still remember how hard it was in the beginning, wo 2 weeks is quite an accomplishment!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Boy do I have a different take on this issue. Let start by saying Hello, My name is Cynay and Im a member of Al-anon...... And Im that Girlfriend your talking about.
Please always remember to take what you want and leave the rest, Im not trying to cause hurt.... only share a different view.
When my ex-alcoholic stopped drinking and "told" me that I could not bring alcohol into the house... yea right! and you can kiss......................
See by the time he stopped drinking I was just as crazy or crazier then he was... I brought it into the house and would drink "HIS" favorite (not mine) right in front of him, to be quite honest I stepped up my drinking. I actually drank more ... and let me tell you I had some really insane behavior going on.
My thought process at that time was this. I spent the whole relationship changing because of him, standing on my head for him, living in extreem pain for him and by the time it came to his ending his drinking career I was not about to change one more thing about myself.... I was not thinking from a position of love because at that point it was more survival then love.... Yes I did love the man, yes I wanted "us" but after everything I honestly was hanging on by a string, feeling/acting crazy and was SO angry that because he makes a decision to change his life that mine once again has to change for the millionth time.... not to mention that none of the other "changes" he made ever stuck so why bother. Thinking back now I just know I was SO hurt and angry and once again it was all about him.
Our relationship did not make it and today Im thankful for that. I did find Al-anon about 6 months after the breakup and can not tell you what a life saver the program was. My thoughts in all this are .... leave her alone, your soberity does not depend on her. You are not the only one that is screeming in pain inside and by your "telling" her what will and will not be you are just causing her more pain. Stop putting her in the positon of having to "hide" it... If you set the boundry that you can not live in a home with Alcohol in it.... and she decides that she is not going to change then do something about it and get another place. That does not mean you have to break the relationship off, it means that maybe you both need to step back and find some peace and balance before coming together again. I also kinda felt like if you have this much focus on her and what she is or is not doing then you might want to take the focus off her and put it back on you.... for your soberity's sake.
Try to lead by example and do what is right for you.... let her work her pain the way she has too. Counceling would help both of you alot, but you cant want for her what she does not want for herself... she is just not ready.
Please always remember to take what you want and leave the rest, Im not trying to cause hurt.... only share a different view.
When my ex-alcoholic stopped drinking and "told" me that I could not bring alcohol into the house... yea right! and you can kiss......................
See by the time he stopped drinking I was just as crazy or crazier then he was... I brought it into the house and would drink "HIS" favorite (not mine) right in front of him, to be quite honest I stepped up my drinking. I actually drank more ... and let me tell you I had some really insane behavior going on.
My thought process at that time was this. I spent the whole relationship changing because of him, standing on my head for him, living in extreem pain for him and by the time it came to his ending his drinking career I was not about to change one more thing about myself.... I was not thinking from a position of love because at that point it was more survival then love.... Yes I did love the man, yes I wanted "us" but after everything I honestly was hanging on by a string, feeling/acting crazy and was SO angry that because he makes a decision to change his life that mine once again has to change for the millionth time.... not to mention that none of the other "changes" he made ever stuck so why bother. Thinking back now I just know I was SO hurt and angry and once again it was all about him.
Our relationship did not make it and today Im thankful for that. I did find Al-anon about 6 months after the breakup and can not tell you what a life saver the program was. My thoughts in all this are .... leave her alone, your soberity does not depend on her. You are not the only one that is screeming in pain inside and by your "telling" her what will and will not be you are just causing her more pain. Stop putting her in the positon of having to "hide" it... If you set the boundry that you can not live in a home with Alcohol in it.... and she decides that she is not going to change then do something about it and get another place. That does not mean you have to break the relationship off, it means that maybe you both need to step back and find some peace and balance before coming together again. I also kinda felt like if you have this much focus on her and what she is or is not doing then you might want to take the focus off her and put it back on you.... for your soberity's sake.
Try to lead by example and do what is right for you.... let her work her pain the way she has too. Counceling would help both of you alot, but you cant want for her what she does not want for herself... she is just not ready.
doing nothing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: socal
Posts: 73
I agree that the only person responsible for my sobriety is me.
I just don't understand why somebody would try their best to circumvent that, especially somebody that says they love you. it's not just the alcohol that she's trying to sabotage either, but other personal gains as well.
I have been on a path of self improvement the last six months or so. I started working full time again (first time in 2 years), really cut back on smoking, started moderate exercise, and the hardest of them all: quitting drinking.
This has her really worried that I will leave her for a younger or prettier woman, and she has been doing whatever she can to try and keep me down so that can't happen. It's not a good thing to be in a relationship with somebody that wants to see you fail rather than succeed and better yourself. The problem is if she keeps this up it will be a self-fufilling prophesy and I just might have to leave her.
It was probubly like this the whole time, but once the veil of intoxication was lifted, I saw it clearly for he first time.
I don't know what to do about it except NOT let it interfere with my sobriety.
I just don't understand why somebody would try their best to circumvent that, especially somebody that says they love you. it's not just the alcohol that she's trying to sabotage either, but other personal gains as well.
I have been on a path of self improvement the last six months or so. I started working full time again (first time in 2 years), really cut back on smoking, started moderate exercise, and the hardest of them all: quitting drinking.
This has her really worried that I will leave her for a younger or prettier woman, and she has been doing whatever she can to try and keep me down so that can't happen. It's not a good thing to be in a relationship with somebody that wants to see you fail rather than succeed and better yourself. The problem is if she keeps this up it will be a self-fufilling prophesy and I just might have to leave her.
It was probubly like this the whole time, but once the veil of intoxication was lifted, I saw it clearly for he first time.
I don't know what to do about it except NOT let it interfere with my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Slacker
Codies don't trust. We are as sick as us alkies. I am both so very messed up with very few marbles left. Keep that in mind when you read what I write because most of it is probably rubbish.
Denial is as strong in both camps it is just about denying different things. Just because codies face up to the amount their partner drinks doesn't mean they are not in denial. If they were not in denial, they would not have lived with an alcoholic.
You have changed. Your gf hasn't changed. That scares her. She was with you because of something inside her and that something is still there. She is afraid you will abandon her. If she was the child of an alcoholic this would make perfect sense. Is she?
Codies don't trust. We are as sick as us alkies. I am both so very messed up with very few marbles left. Keep that in mind when you read what I write because most of it is probably rubbish.
Denial is as strong in both camps it is just about denying different things. Just because codies face up to the amount their partner drinks doesn't mean they are not in denial. If they were not in denial, they would not have lived with an alcoholic.
You have changed. Your gf hasn't changed. That scares her. She was with you because of something inside her and that something is still there. She is afraid you will abandon her. If she was the child of an alcoholic this would make perfect sense. Is she?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Slacker .... you might want to entertain the thought that its not about sabotaging your recovery/growth and it very well might not be about you at all.
You changed the dance, she is probably co-dependent and is trying to figure out the steps to this new dance. What could have saved my relationship is if my ex had realized that just because he chooses to change his life, he can not expect me to change that quickly and he needed to be patience with me, not to mention the hurt caused and perhaps he could have started making a living amends...
Are you sure it is not you wanting this relationship to end?? Are you looking for reasons?
You changed the dance, she is probably co-dependent and is trying to figure out the steps to this new dance. What could have saved my relationship is if my ex had realized that just because he chooses to change his life, he can not expect me to change that quickly and he needed to be patience with me, not to mention the hurt caused and perhaps he could have started making a living amends...
Are you sure it is not you wanting this relationship to end?? Are you looking for reasons?
doing nothing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: socal
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Pilgrim 
Hi Slacker
Codies don't trust. We are as sick as us alkies. I am both so very messed up with very few marbles left. Keep that in mind when you read what I write because most of it is probably rubbish.
Denial is as strong in both camps it is just about denying different things. Just because codies face up to the amount their partner drinks doesn't mean they are not in denial. If they were not in denial, they would not have lived with an alcoholic.
You have changed. Your gf hasn't changed. That scares her. She was with you because of something inside her and that something is still there. She is afraid you will abandon her. If she was the child of an alcoholic this would make perfect sense. Is she?
Codies don't trust. We are as sick as us alkies. I am both so very messed up with very few marbles left. Keep that in mind when you read what I write because most of it is probably rubbish.
Denial is as strong in both camps it is just about denying different things. Just because codies face up to the amount their partner drinks doesn't mean they are not in denial. If they were not in denial, they would not have lived with an alcoholic.
You have changed. Your gf hasn't changed. That scares her. She was with you because of something inside her and that something is still there. She is afraid you will abandon her. If she was the child of an alcoholic this would make perfect sense. Is she?
doing nothing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: socal
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by Cynay
Slacker .... you might want to entertain the thought that its not about sabotaging your recovery/growth and it very well might not be about you at all.
You changed the dance, she is probably co-dependent and is trying to figure out the steps to this new dance. What could have saved my relationship is if my ex had realized that just because he chooses to change his life, he can not expect me to change that quickly and he needed to be patience with me, not to mention the hurt caused and perhaps he could have started making a living amends...
Are you sure it is not you wanting this relationship to end?? Are you looking for reasons?
You changed the dance, she is probably co-dependent and is trying to figure out the steps to this new dance. What could have saved my relationship is if my ex had realized that just because he chooses to change his life, he can not expect me to change that quickly and he needed to be patience with me, not to mention the hurt caused and perhaps he could have started making a living amends...
Are you sure it is not you wanting this relationship to end?? Are you looking for reasons?
I gained about 25# a little while back, and decided I had to start eating right. We talked about it, I started exercising, and I started to lose the excess weight. Then she decides to fill the pantry with chips, cookies and other junk food we never bought before.
The booze is just a replay of this tactic, but it's something I have a much harder time with, and she knows it.
It's not like I demanded she stop drinking, I just want her to have a little discretion at home. The booze used to be in the cupboard, then she decided to just leave it on the countertop permanently after I confessed my desire to quit.
I am not looking for reasons to end the relationship, I am trying to get her to go to counseling so we can work on it. When I suggested this, she began with the silent treatment/ignoring game so she can be in control of the discussion in a passive-aggressive way.
I'll see what happens tonight, she will be home in 4 hours, if she comes home. I should be sleeping right now but I can't.
Obviously this is a problem that goes beyond me quitting drinking, that's about the only thing I am sure of now.
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