Memorial weekend
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: seattle, wa
Posts: 34
Memorial weekend
Do I go camping with the group? We go camping every year with a bunch of people and it is so fun, but it has always involved drinking. I know I can go and just not drink, but would this be putting myself through hell! Why does this have to be so hard? I want to still do the things I enjoy. I don't have a problem skipping the bars and the social parties, but I can't imagine not going on our annual camping trip. I just hate it when everyone asks, "why aren't you drinking"? Or, "is that just pop."?
How did you (recovering alcoholics) work through all of this? Did you really give up your life long friends?
I know I can do it. I just need advice on how to handle the change with friends. I don't want to turn on everyone. I've known a lot of these people for twenty years.
How did you (recovering alcoholics) work through all of this? Did you really give up your life long friends?
I know I can do it. I just need advice on how to handle the change with friends. I don't want to turn on everyone. I've known a lot of these people for twenty years.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 59
Kristin, I have a similar question. This weekend I am having my annual seafood boil. In the past this has usually ended with me being pretty well loaded. I have told folks to bring whatever they want alcoholic to drink; I won't be serving alcohol. Most people have told me this is a mistake.
I look forward to comments on this issue.
I look forward to comments on this issue.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Good morning Kristin and T4 -
I can only share my experience with you, so here goes.
I do not go to dangerous places. I am not saying I never go where anyone is drinking, but I drop off gift have a quick hello or whatever and leave, i do not stay and mingle.
Last year I through a 40 bday party for my SO, I did not serve alcohal. A couple alcohalic family members brought there own jugs of homemade wine (old country portuguese men) and I gave them cups to drink out of but that is as far as it went.
To answer your question about friends. I left friends behind when I got sober, I had no choice. I did not want to live that way any longer. I got sober at 31, my best friend in the world since I was 14, I had to leave her, I could not be a part of her life. I have seen her only 3 times in the past 7 1/2 years and only for a few seconds each time. She is not clean and sober i cannot be around her.
And one more thing to think about, maybe the situations and feeling would be different for you if you aren't drinking. I personally would not want to be the only one in the room not drinking. When Ihave been at socail gatherings where people are drinking and someone asks 'is that just a coke' I just answer 'yes' I don't care what anyone thinks and neither should you.
I don't know if I helped, like I said I really stay away from dangerous places. I have a disease and this disease wants me to use/drink, I have to stay away from the disease's turf.
I can only share my experience with you, so here goes.
I do not go to dangerous places. I am not saying I never go where anyone is drinking, but I drop off gift have a quick hello or whatever and leave, i do not stay and mingle.
Last year I through a 40 bday party for my SO, I did not serve alcohal. A couple alcohalic family members brought there own jugs of homemade wine (old country portuguese men) and I gave them cups to drink out of but that is as far as it went.
To answer your question about friends. I left friends behind when I got sober, I had no choice. I did not want to live that way any longer. I got sober at 31, my best friend in the world since I was 14, I had to leave her, I could not be a part of her life. I have seen her only 3 times in the past 7 1/2 years and only for a few seconds each time. She is not clean and sober i cannot be around her.
And one more thing to think about, maybe the situations and feeling would be different for you if you aren't drinking. I personally would not want to be the only one in the room not drinking. When Ihave been at socail gatherings where people are drinking and someone asks 'is that just a coke' I just answer 'yes' I don't care what anyone thinks and neither should you.
I don't know if I helped, like I said I really stay away from dangerous places. I have a disease and this disease wants me to use/drink, I have to stay away from the disease's turf.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: seattle, wa
Posts: 34
memorial weekend
Lee,
So, I take it your friends all know that you don't drink anymore? This is probably the best way to get real with the situation. I thinks it's great you are going to go ahead with your seafood boil. That's too bad your friends think it's a mistake for you not to provide alcohol. It's not like you told them they couldn't drink. That is the fear with my friends. I'm sure once the get used to me not drinking it won't be an issue. I remember when people I new would quit drinking and you get this feeling like maybe they think they are better than you. Maybe it's just them facing thier drinking problem. Good luck!
So, I take it your friends all know that you don't drink anymore? This is probably the best way to get real with the situation. I thinks it's great you are going to go ahead with your seafood boil. That's too bad your friends think it's a mistake for you not to provide alcohol. It's not like you told them they couldn't drink. That is the fear with my friends. I'm sure once the get used to me not drinking it won't be an issue. I remember when people I new would quit drinking and you get this feeling like maybe they think they are better than you. Maybe it's just them facing thier drinking problem. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 59
Kristin, just about everyone coming to the party knows that I am a recovering alcoholic. I would say the attendees are split about 50/50 on drinkers vs. non-drinkers. My issue is, why should my problem impede on the lifestyles of other people? I'm the one with the problem that needs to face up to reality.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
My issue is, why should my problem impede on the lifestyles of other people? I'm the one with the problem that needs to face up to reality.
Obviously I am the odd man/person out here. I will just say that with the people in my life that are the most important, not having alcohal around does not impede on their lives at all. it is the company of each other that we enjoy, and most of my friends are social drinkers, but that does not mean they have to drink around me. Last week I went to a bday party at a mexican restaurant, everyone except Paul and I were drinking margaritas, and that is fine, I drank water, had a great time and left. But those same people, if they were coming to my house for a party, know I dont' drink and would be fine with hanging out with me and not drinking. Me going to there house or party is a different story, I would not ask them to not serve alcohal just cause I am there.
the bottom line is that we all have a choice to make and we hopefully make the choice that we are the most comfortable with, the one that works best for us.
Obviously I am pretty passionate about this subject, in the years I have been blessed to be sober I have seen many people, including family, fall by hanging in dangerous places. but I will put away my save the world cape (again LOL) and just say, follow your heart and more important, talk to your sponsor about it.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 59
Pauline, I see your point completely. Normally my close friends would respect my situation. However, this party is for neighbors, workmates, and others. In other words, folks that you cannot choose to or not to associate with. I know I could just not invite them, but that creates other issues.
I am not insecure with my ability to call on my higher power to see me through this. I was just curious about the feelings of other forum members.
Thanks for the input.
I am not insecure with my ability to call on my higher power to see me through this. I was just curious about the feelings of other forum members.
Thanks for the input.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: seattle, wa
Posts: 34
Thanks for the support
Lee,
I think it is great you can have the best of both worlds. I hope to be in your situation soon. I would love to do some of the same things I used to do that wasn't stricktly drinking like hanging in a bar or with the neighbors on a sunny day. Things like bowling or family outings where there are other things to do other than sit and think about the beer. Thanks, Keep in touch! Kristin
I think it is great you can have the best of both worlds. I hope to be in your situation soon. I would love to do some of the same things I used to do that wasn't stricktly drinking like hanging in a bar or with the neighbors on a sunny day. Things like bowling or family outings where there are other things to do other than sit and think about the beer. Thanks, Keep in touch! Kristin
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: seattle, wa
Posts: 34
Pauline,
I know exactly what you are saying. Different things work for different people and I may have to give up more than I want to in order to take care of myself and my needs. Thanks for the advice.
I know exactly what you are saying. Different things work for different people and I may have to give up more than I want to in order to take care of myself and my needs. Thanks for the advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 59
Kristin, THIS TIME I have been sober for only two weeks. I know I am still on the "pink cloud" this go around. I was sober for four months a couple of years ago. I hope this doesn't diminish the credibility of statements.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I agree with everything Pauline has to say.
I often hear it said in AA if you want to find a way to stay sober,"Stick with the winners".
In other words listen to the people who have been sober a while and who are happy in their recovery.
The programme of AA suggests to us that we "Avoid people places and Things associated with drinking"
My own experience has taught me that going against what the programme asks me to do can have dire consequences.
AA does not ask me to abandon my friends forever.It simply suggests that I need to make a few changes during the early weeks of recovery.
In my opinion someone with less than 90 days sober has no business attending a function where drinking is the central activity.
Many of the people who I though were my "friends" turned out to be just real good drinking buddies and I too have learned to distance myself from a friend of twenty two years who continues to persue his addiction.
Alcoholism is a cunning baffling and powerful disease and many times I was not even aware that my own mind was trying to trick me into taking a drinking.
I know that nothing will dissuade an alcoholic who has made up their mind to do something but one thing I have learned is that when I do the wrong things there are repercussions and consequences.
Peter.
I often hear it said in AA if you want to find a way to stay sober,"Stick with the winners".
In other words listen to the people who have been sober a while and who are happy in their recovery.
The programme of AA suggests to us that we "Avoid people places and Things associated with drinking"
My own experience has taught me that going against what the programme asks me to do can have dire consequences.
AA does not ask me to abandon my friends forever.It simply suggests that I need to make a few changes during the early weeks of recovery.
In my opinion someone with less than 90 days sober has no business attending a function where drinking is the central activity.
Many of the people who I though were my "friends" turned out to be just real good drinking buddies and I too have learned to distance myself from a friend of twenty two years who continues to persue his addiction.
Alcoholism is a cunning baffling and powerful disease and many times I was not even aware that my own mind was trying to trick me into taking a drinking.
I know that nothing will dissuade an alcoholic who has made up their mind to do something but one thing I have learned is that when I do the wrong things there are repercussions and consequences.
Peter.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: scottsdale az
Posts: 118
Kristen, teamfour
Do not give up your friends, alcohol does not control you. If you have found that you can ignore those voices and drink soda (as you said Kristen..with the soda anyway) then just don't drink and have a good time. Your friends will understand if they are your friends. Just say "I DON'T DRINK". Not "I can't because I am powerless" or "I'll end up in rehab". Confidence in yourself has a lot to do with it. You can't go on with your life thinking that this silly substance controls you.
Teamfour, you have a good approach. Let everyone know that they must supply their own beer, you don't have the money to do so. Or some line like that. Let them drink and have a good time. You have a good time. Enjoy yourself and enjoy the event, don't sit and obssess over what everyone else is drinking. Come on, where is the fun in that?
Kristen, it doesn't have to be so hard. You said that you know you can do it while the others drink, right? So it's not hell. Here's something to think about...in the past what was the REASON that you went camping? Was it to get drunk or actually have a good time for one thing or another. If you answered yes to the first question only, don't go. If you really like camping then go and have a great time. You don't have to feel alone.
You both might want to check out RR. If either of you are attending AA then just keep going, and if you are really commited to it, then it might not be the best in your interest to attend these events. Alcohol is a disease according to AA and if you are already in that mode of recovery, STCIK WITH IT, your program is to be worked the right way. AA just didn't agree with me to well, though I kept some of their ideas.
If you have gone more than a couple weeks without drinking, either of you, there is no reason you shouldn't be able to go and have a good time. If you have doubt than DON'T!! But if you do, have a good time
Do not give up your friends, alcohol does not control you. If you have found that you can ignore those voices and drink soda (as you said Kristen..with the soda anyway) then just don't drink and have a good time. Your friends will understand if they are your friends. Just say "I DON'T DRINK". Not "I can't because I am powerless" or "I'll end up in rehab". Confidence in yourself has a lot to do with it. You can't go on with your life thinking that this silly substance controls you.
Teamfour, you have a good approach. Let everyone know that they must supply their own beer, you don't have the money to do so. Or some line like that. Let them drink and have a good time. You have a good time. Enjoy yourself and enjoy the event, don't sit and obssess over what everyone else is drinking. Come on, where is the fun in that?
Kristen, it doesn't have to be so hard. You said that you know you can do it while the others drink, right? So it's not hell. Here's something to think about...in the past what was the REASON that you went camping? Was it to get drunk or actually have a good time for one thing or another. If you answered yes to the first question only, don't go. If you really like camping then go and have a great time. You don't have to feel alone.
You both might want to check out RR. If either of you are attending AA then just keep going, and if you are really commited to it, then it might not be the best in your interest to attend these events. Alcohol is a disease according to AA and if you are already in that mode of recovery, STCIK WITH IT, your program is to be worked the right way. AA just didn't agree with me to well, though I kept some of their ideas.
If you have gone more than a couple weeks without drinking, either of you, there is no reason you shouldn't be able to go and have a good time. If you have doubt than DON'T!! But if you do, have a good time
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Justaround - on April 22 you posted the following in reponse to Clearscreen stating that addiction is not a disease:
"Wow, we got a bullsh**ter here. I'm not going to say that meetings and sponsors are the only way to get sober, because they aren't. But addiction not a disease? The last time I heard that was from a horribly addicted chronic relapser who just said 'I choose to use again'."
You then go on to say:
"You obviously ARE NOT an addict and if so you should not be posting s**t like that. If you were an addict you would know that for the rest of your lives you will have cravings for your drug."
Today, you posted the following:
"Addiction is not a disease, we all have the decision to use again, it is how we handle the cravings and those voices in our head."
Have you had some kind of recent epiphany?
I think you should be very careful when you encourage someone newly sober to attend a gathering where there is going to alcohol present when it seems like you can't make your own mind up.
"Wow, we got a bullsh**ter here. I'm not going to say that meetings and sponsors are the only way to get sober, because they aren't. But addiction not a disease? The last time I heard that was from a horribly addicted chronic relapser who just said 'I choose to use again'."
You then go on to say:
"You obviously ARE NOT an addict and if so you should not be posting s**t like that. If you were an addict you would know that for the rest of your lives you will have cravings for your drug."
Today, you posted the following:
"Addiction is not a disease, we all have the decision to use again, it is how we handle the cravings and those voices in our head."
Have you had some kind of recent epiphany?
I think you should be very careful when you encourage someone newly sober to attend a gathering where there is going to alcohol present when it seems like you can't make your own mind up.
Last edited by margo; 04-30-2003 at 01:05 PM.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Hi
this is how it was for me, when I quit drinking, I only had a couple drinking buddies and only one real friend, well the drinking buddies split, as soon as the alcohol stopped flowing, but I still see my friend, he is a normy, and respects my desision to not drink today,
the first few years I wouldnt even allow alcohol im my home, the last few years I have allowed my brother in law to bring a six pack a couple times, like at family gatherings, He is a normal drinker, and I have no problem if he has a beer or two with his brother, I just dont want my self or my family exposed to a drunken bash, if I'm at a wedding or something, and it starts to get carried away, then we just leave, I was lucky that my kids were very young when I got into A.A., and they dont remember how it was before, and I sure dont want them to have to see how bad it can get.
I now have friends in A.A. that I can go camping and stuff with, we also have a group in my area called the Vagabond Group, they go camping every weekend, its cool they have family activities, and meetings, its a great fellowship, in time you will meet people with your interests, who are sober and in recovery, at least its been that way for me.
you can call your local central office or pick up a newsletter at a meeting, and see how many activities we have,
one last thing, I have heard it many times, and I dont test it.
if you hang around a barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut.
this is how it was for me, when I quit drinking, I only had a couple drinking buddies and only one real friend, well the drinking buddies split, as soon as the alcohol stopped flowing, but I still see my friend, he is a normy, and respects my desision to not drink today,
the first few years I wouldnt even allow alcohol im my home, the last few years I have allowed my brother in law to bring a six pack a couple times, like at family gatherings, He is a normal drinker, and I have no problem if he has a beer or two with his brother, I just dont want my self or my family exposed to a drunken bash, if I'm at a wedding or something, and it starts to get carried away, then we just leave, I was lucky that my kids were very young when I got into A.A., and they dont remember how it was before, and I sure dont want them to have to see how bad it can get.
I now have friends in A.A. that I can go camping and stuff with, we also have a group in my area called the Vagabond Group, they go camping every weekend, its cool they have family activities, and meetings, its a great fellowship, in time you will meet people with your interests, who are sober and in recovery, at least its been that way for me.
you can call your local central office or pick up a newsletter at a meeting, and see how many activities we have,
one last thing, I have heard it many times, and I dont test it.
if you hang around a barber shop long enough, you'll eventually get a haircut.
Last edited by The Jay Walker; 04-30-2003 at 01:23 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: seattle, wa
Posts: 34
Lee,
Are you kidding? Thanks for being so honest. I feel great knowing someone else is where I'm at. So many people have been sober for so long that it makes me feel helpless thinking in terms of years of sobriety. I need to hear from people at my stage also, it makes it more real for me and possible for me.
Thank you so much
Are you kidding? Thanks for being so honest. I feel great knowing someone else is where I'm at. So many people have been sober for so long that it makes me feel helpless thinking in terms of years of sobriety. I need to hear from people at my stage also, it makes it more real for me and possible for me.
Thank you so much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: seattle, wa
Posts: 34
Wow, everyone has had such good advice and I can't comment on"RR" (?) or "AA", but it seems like "AA" drives a lot of this site and it can be a very touchy subject. Is this true? Is it possible that maybe "AA" isn't for everyone?
I appreciate each and every person that takes the time to type down some advice and the more the better. Why???? because everyone uses different tools to get through the struggles they may have.
Kristin
I appreciate each and every person that takes the time to type down some advice and the more the better. Why???? because everyone uses different tools to get through the struggles they may have.
Kristin
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Temple City, CA
Posts: 52
I don't want to make light of this seeming dilema, but there are several expressions that I have helped me stay sober:
If you don't need a haircut, don't go to the Barbershop;
If you don't want to sing in the choir, don't show up for practice,
If you don't want to drink, don't buy a 40...
I am a Mobile Entertainer -- a DJ to some. I used to play every sleezy bar, even after getting sober. Going to work in the beginning was VERY difficult. I prayed and prayed and finally the answer came when my boss fired me. "Entertainers need to be loose and you don't drink anymore..."
It was tough at first paying the bills, but then faith intervened and I began doing nothing but private functions. Mostly weddings where I now command top dollar - $1500 and up. I went from a $200 a night DJ to a complete wedding specialist. And I have stayed sober for 6 1/2 years. I no longer do bars and forward them to others.
The moral of this? If you have no business around temptation, stay away. Some may say that they can be strong, but those are the famous last words of relapse. Please be careful. And please stay sober one day at a time.
If you don't need a haircut, don't go to the Barbershop;
If you don't want to sing in the choir, don't show up for practice,
If you don't want to drink, don't buy a 40...
I am a Mobile Entertainer -- a DJ to some. I used to play every sleezy bar, even after getting sober. Going to work in the beginning was VERY difficult. I prayed and prayed and finally the answer came when my boss fired me. "Entertainers need to be loose and you don't drink anymore..."
It was tough at first paying the bills, but then faith intervened and I began doing nothing but private functions. Mostly weddings where I now command top dollar - $1500 and up. I went from a $200 a night DJ to a complete wedding specialist. And I have stayed sober for 6 1/2 years. I no longer do bars and forward them to others.
The moral of this? If you have no business around temptation, stay away. Some may say that they can be strong, but those are the famous last words of relapse. Please be careful. And please stay sober one day at a time.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: scottsdale az
Posts: 118
To Margo
Yes Margo, I have had a change of recovery plan and I am not going to hide it. These are my beliefs and they have kept me sober. I first went through AA and was taken by RR. This is my recovery, I haven't fully commited to either. What works for me is all that matters, we must take responsibilty for our own actions, not others. Dissing AA is not to be found in my agenda. Personally I could care less what others may think of my plan of recovery...except for those that ask for help and I will offer them my opinion and advice. That's all. People change, believe it or not. AA just started stressing me out because of the disease concept, I didn't like the idea of being powerless over some silly substance. Once I tossed that idea I have felt so much better. Not a thought of using, I can go out and do whatever I wish, have a good time, and don't have to use my time up to go to meetings. I take full responsibilty for my sobriety, as well as my recovery. But am I to think that my entire life is recovering from a substance? Na. I have my own recovery plan. And that is that. If your program is working for you AWESOME!! Keep at it, I'm proud for ya, AA is great. AA helped me initally get off drugs so I give it a lot of credit. Everyone keep up your work on recovery.
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