BrandiK

The reason, I think, that you work with anger and resentments first is to find a way to remove the second party from the picture, and see your own flaws. It's pretty amazing when it happens. But it also gets the ball rolling. It's a tools. Believe me, it's not at all focused on anger and resentments in the end.

I thought that too, actually, about the 4th and 5th steps I don't mean that condisendingly (excuse my spelling ... coffee isn't all the way in my system yet ) I practice a faith that basically is about inner truth, and work spirituality within a community of exactly that (well, it's supposed to be that ... as you can see ... I discovered a few resentments lurking in my psychie). I work with mirror and shadow work with others on a regular basis, speak my truth, work through issues, look at myself and the parts I choose not to or even am unable to see ... so I got to step 4 and thought 'I do this already'. Also, the anger I did have (because we all do from time to time) I worked with praying for that person(s) and my anger disolved.

So what was I to do? I tried listing those people that I hurt only, and my own flaws, but I kept getting stuck. Have you read the BB and the 12X12 on this step? I liked reading that some either on on a high horse (it's all their fault) and some on a low pity party (it's all my fault). I landed on a pity party myself ... somewhere in between but more on the pity party side.

Anyway ... I tried to do it on my own with out resentments. Didn't work. So ... I started it when I was processing and in a bad mood. Stound strange? I was not 'through' my resentments, I was right in the thick of them. And once I started, I covered about 3 pages. Many were also used for everything else ... the resentments really helped me to see some shadow sides of myself that I am completely blind to and I am very thankful I was able to pull them out. Some were just silly resentments, some were deep and painful. I thought I had gotten past it, but I was still holding on.

And like I said, I discovered some stuff about myself that I had never seen before. It was all right there, spelled out basically in black and white on those worksheets, on the resentments page.

I used step 4 work sheets, and they really, really helped me out a lot.

Take your time. Don't feel like you have to fill it out a particular way. Just open to the experiance. Do a little at a time or all at once, as you move through it. Then, when you do finish (you'll find stuff in there, believe me. Even if it's just the guy that cut you off this morning on the freeway .. it's there. We, none of us, drunk or sober, are perfect.) sit with it a bit longer, see if anything else bubbles up.

Through out the process, when you are over this initial hump, go to meetings, read your books, talk online, etc. It can get a little dark.

BrandiK

Ok ... I was answering a long post about 4-5 ... what happened to the post I was answering? whoa boy ... need more coffee lol

Golfman

Not the coffe Brandi, I'm a little confused myself. I don't see the original question from the member. I replied as well, but was told the thread had been moved over here. I guess what I'll try to do is cut and paste the questions we responded to and put them in a respsonse over here.

Tazman53

mercedes I just finished my 4th and 5th steps with my sponsor, I can not imagine even starting to do a 4th with out the guidance & support of a sponsor. I had over 5 months sober before I started my 5th step and when it came to the resentments portion at first I had a hard time until I looked up resentment, it does not mean hate, there are folks that I love with all my heart that I have held resentments against.

Mercedes certainly there are people you love and like in your life that have done or do things that upset you?
I really would have had one heck of a time trying to do a forth step without assistance, how in the world one could do a 5th by thier self I really do not know, I mean you could go to a priest, or even a stranger, but I see that as a serious draw back and maybe even a cop out in a way.

A great deal if not all of the freedom I gained in y 5th step was by doing it with some one I trusted and who cared about me.

I know you may not want to hear this, but I would hold off on a 4th step until you do find a sponsor you click with.

Hon I know you are having a heck of a time finding a sponsor, have you tried praying about it?

CarolD

Friends....Sorry for the confusion....

As the thread was posted in duplicate
(not allowed at SR) I kept the one
in our AA/!2 Step Forum.

Please copy and paste there as it is
clearly a Step Question

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1273539

Thanks

Tazman53

The biggest thing I found in working the 4th step was that most of my resentments I was partially responsible for in one way or another or I felt resentful because I was so self centered, if some one did not do things the way I thought they should be done I did not like it!

There were a few resentments that I honestly did have no part in and in those I simply had to accept that the person I resented was sick and needed help, there was nothing I could do to help them.

I also learned my fears, the people I have hurt and how, and how sex fit into parts of it. In step 4 I was able to identify things that I was doing right and things I needed to work on.

By confessing my defects and wrongs to someone and asking forgiveness for my wrongs I feel like a free man!

I can look any one in the eye because I have no secrets, it is all out there now, I have no shame any more and do not sit around and worry about my secrets.

I would have had none of these if I had done my 5th step by myself. One of my biggest problems is self, as a result if my biggest problem is self, then how can I help myself.

Mercedes1

apparently my thread was moved to 12 steps..please answer there as i don't want to lose your responses (good, bad and ugly) if you had them. I am very interested..thanks

Mercedes1

Taz, I never said I would not use someone..as stated, I am opening myself to others to learn to do this right. I am not at 5 yet, but understand I need to have someone to confess too. However it won't be a sponsor..not for me anyway. I am not sure what to think about praying about that..I did before but I am way more reluctant to find one when all I can do is ask...and I did that before and they were not right. I can't possibly know someone now from just listening in rooms. As was my last sponsor..she shared good in room but not elsewhere. Although one major clue with her is she only came to her meetings..none others so she was only in it for her I think.

I did have another lady I really liked..was thinking of her..ironically she asked me leaving a meeting if I found a sponsor yet...I said no...thought she was goingt to be mine..then said no but take my number..she had too many...one of her sponsees is real bad so I understand she is overwhelmed but she is FABULOUS.

My intent is to reach out to her and anyone else to see if although not my sponsor would agree to atleast do a step with me? is that wrong?

Tazman53

Mercedes the best thing about AA is there are no rules, talk to the lady you mentioned and see if she would be willing to do that. it is mentioned in the BB that some people can or should do their 5th step. Here is what the BB suggests in part: