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Old 03-28-2007, 01:35 PM
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Mistakes

I am tired of being sick. I'm tired of being an alcoholic, codependent, blah blah blah. I'm tired of being poor, and I'm tired of working my ass off for nothing, really. I'm so ******* tired of all this.

And you know what? It doesn't get easier. I have amazing days, fantastic days... I have these incredible lifts that remind me how good it is to be alive, but then it's like... look at the rest of my life. What's the point? I feel like my life is swallowing me, I just can't seem to get ahead. I don't know what to do, I don't have any more resources to tap, I'm broke and I am so ******* overwhelmed.

I don't have to drink over this, and I won't, and I'm praying so hard, so ******* hard... I just want one little sign that things are going to work out in a timely manner, 'cause otherwise I am ******. And homeless, literally.

I need to quit the melodrama and breathe, and understand that the sooner I take my hands off the controller the better off I am. I just wish my stomach didn't hurt and that my mind would stop racing. Breathe, breathe. I don't know whether I'm coming or going most days, but it's going to be okay. It's GOT to be okay, right?

Right?
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Old 03-28-2007, 02:10 PM
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let it grow!
 
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hey emimily - keep doing the next right thing, and everything will be ok. have hope. i believe in you. blessings, k
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Old 03-28-2007, 02:14 PM
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Right Emimily!!!!!!

As to your mind racing. I would stop what I was doing, stand very still and in a firm clear strong voice tell the committee 'THE MEETING IS ADJOURNED FOR 3 WEEKS' lol and sometimes I had to do it several times a day, but I found it did help to keep me in the NOW to just stay in today and do the next thing.

It does get better and better. I figure in the beginning I was getting back all that 'bad karma' I had put out for years, and the good karma would start to come as long as I put out 'good karma'. That is what has happened.

Sure there have been bad times, but I found by just doing the footwork results would come. Example Back when I was first disabled and fighting with Social Security, I reached a point where my savings was totally gone. I had a past due notice for my electric bill and if it wasn't paid that day they
would shut it off. In that days mail, I got a $50 check that I hadn't expected, from one of the survey sites I do surveys for. That to me was a "God Shot." They do happen, and they happen more often when I stay IN THE NOW.

Do something nice for you. If money is tight and you like to read, get a library card, thats what I did, and boy did I read a lot of books. Couldn't get on line cause my puter had fried lol. So used one of the computers at the
library 3 days a week and read a lot of books.

Call a friend. Go to a meeting or two or three just to meet some new sober friends and get some numbers to talk to gals when this happens. Use the numbers, lol. Keep posting here. Read ALL the threads, that will help also.

We do care, so please let us know how you are doing.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-28-2007, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Emimily View Post
I don't know whether I'm coming or going most days, but it's going to be okay. It's GOT to be okay, right? Right?

Hello Emimily,

Yes, everything will be ok as long as you don't drink.
Keep coming here, lots of folks care...
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Old 03-28-2007, 02:33 PM
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You have gotten some excellent advice, I would only add to talk to your sponsor about what is up, pray, and as my first sponsor used to tell me when something was really eating me up inside, "Go to a meeting and throw that tu#d on the table"! Every time I followed his advice and did that some how from some where someone would say something that led me to the answer in some way.

Keep us informed hon, I will have you in my prayers and follow the advice from Laurie and parentrecovers.
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Old 03-28-2007, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Right Emimily!!!!!!

As to your mind racing. I would stop what I was doing, stand very still and in a firm clear strong voice tell the committee 'THE MEETING IS ADJOURNED FOR 3 WEEKS' lol and sometimes I had to do it several times a day, but I found it did help to keep me in the NOW to just stay in today and do the next thing.

I LOVE that! I am SO going to use that

Earl
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Old 03-28-2007, 02:45 PM
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Emimem, you are were we want to be and I know that sounds crap? All those videos that look great etc. You do it for real babes!
I have seen you do it!
.
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Old 03-28-2007, 06:13 PM
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Hey Em,
Shall I throw out an old adage like "Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens"? Does that make ya wanna slap me? Probably. I'd wanna slap me if I were in such a state. Been there. I soooo hear ya. Sometimes I think there is just so much wrong with me and my life I just wanna throw in the damn towel..and what really ticks me...is that in those moments drinking doesn't feel like an answer (I have internalized that it will only perpetuate and/or exacerbate whatever crappy thing I'm whining and waaaaing about). And ya know, that ticks me too! Recovery has effectively stolen that crutch. I just gotta friggin deal. I wanna stomp my feet and throw myself onto the floor in an ever so dramatic wailing hissy. Some days it just feels like there is too much work to be done on myself and my life. I hate those days. I truly do. It can be so damn overwhelming. I suppose it's much to be expected in this first year of recovery. I have a lot of patterns to undo, habits to unlearn...I have no job and I no longer want to work in any field I'm qualified for. I have no savings, no security...yadda yadda yadda.
And ya it sucks some days
And ya somedays the sun is shining and everything is alright with the world...sometimes is fricking amazing.

Anyways, ramble ramble...don't know if any of this helps ya...just wanted to let you know.... I hear ya.
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Old 03-28-2007, 06:57 PM
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Emily...Hugs

I had a hissy fit recently.
I got a $20 raise in my Social Security pittance
so my rent got raised and my food stamps cut.

Soooo...I am losing $$$ a month!

Somethings are just screwed up!

You and I will deal with issues sober
and that is my bottom line.
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Old 03-29-2007, 10:43 AM
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carol, trace... what would i do without you? for real, everyone who responded to my "**** this!" deserves a round of applause.

i didn't go to a meeting last night, i went to sleep. i ate, and slept. i will DEFINITELY be at a meeting this evening. can't stop, won't stop. everything'll be okay, and trace... i don't plan to stop before my miracle, i earned that effin' miracle, dammit. haha.

in all seriousness, i do need to talk to my sponsor, and i do need to pray pray pray. everything will be alright, it always is. it's just hard, but y'know... that's how life is, hard. it's so much harder than it needs to be if i'm super stressed out, too. so, i will relax with my economic insecurity. i always think it's funny that in the promises it says "fear of economic insecurity will leave us". i have a hard time remembering that the FEAR will leave, not the insecurity. silly me, right?

anyway, thanks all. i'm much better than yesterday, which is a huge blessing. much much love.
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Old 03-29-2007, 10:47 AM
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Help a newcomer....

always works for me.
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Old 03-29-2007, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by requiredfield View Post
Help a newcomer....

always works for me.

y'know, you might just be right...
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Old 03-29-2007, 11:30 PM
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How are you feeling today Emimily?
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Old 04-02-2007, 08:20 AM
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Oh man. I moved this weekend. I am never going to move again. Even if the building burns down, I'm going to live in the rubble and ash. Actually, I probably wouldn't have much left to move in that situation, so maybe...

Anyway, hi happy family! I am doing much better today, asked God to be in my day and let His will be done and help me help someone else, etc. etc. All that good stuff. Oh yeah, Tracey, the whole "don't quit before the mriacle happens", that is the story of my life. I'm always thisclose to missing something amazing because of my wicked impatience, but these days I get to hang out for the ending. Most of the time, anyway.

Hey Hush, how're you today? How much time do you have now, killa?
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Old 04-02-2007, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Emimily View Post
Oh man. I moved this weekend. I am never going to move again. Hey Hush, how're you today? How much time do you have now, killa?
Tell me about it! I bought a house 2 months ago and moving all my stuff was hell!

I'm doing fine today. Thank you for asking! I'm having a 14 hour shift at work today but the weather is great so that makes it better I guess.
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Old 04-02-2007, 08:41 AM
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14 hours? Owch... what do you do? I think I could maybe work 14 hours if it was something like petting cute dogs, or reading Harry Potter books.

I can do both of those really well.
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Old 04-02-2007, 09:29 AM
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Hey Em,
Glad you got yourself moved! I'm so glad you brought up that "Don't Quit 5 minutes before...". It could have been applied to so much in my life had I heeded that sort of wisdom. There was so much I just couldn't "take"...so I picked up to get through. Had I pushed on through a lot of the discomfort, awkwardness and pain in my life without picking up...I would have discovered the miracle of growth,learning and patience. Instead I'm feel like I"ve embarked on a "crash course" in growing up at middle age. The same lessons kept repeating in my life..cuz I didn't do anything different...just kept picking up. Ah well...onward and upward.
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Old 04-03-2007, 12:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Emimily View Post
14 hours? Owch... what do you do?
I work in a videostore. I work 4 days a week, but all my shifts are 12, 13 or 14 hours long.

And I'm 1 month and 1 week sober.
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Old 04-03-2007, 11:49 AM
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one month and one week is amazing! that is so awesome to see, i remember the first post i read by you, you were so shaky... look at you now, killa! stringing together time like there's no tomorrow. what a miracle to watch!
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