Csmcjewl

Ok....
Problem: I have been arguing with my b/f for the past 5 hours. He is currently in the bedroom with the engagment ring with the promise of me moving out in 3 days when my finals are over. How did this come to be? Well, I came home kinda pissed off that i drank the other night. That's the real issue, well...I had to put gas in the car that my b/f had promised that he would do so I was just kinda annoyed about that. Well, in the arguing the real issue came up. Here's what I'm wondering...He always seems to tell me that I'm an alcoholic, that I'm never going to make it with my mindset, that I'm a failure...etc...etc. He only says stuff like that when I try and convince him that I'm ok and I have it under control. I'm really upset at myself because i can't seem to break the habit of just drinking a little to "get the buzz." It's like, if I have even just one beer I'm ok for like a week, but I've gotta have that one and I can't seem to give it up. Anyone who read my last posts would know that I just keep yo-yoing back and forth. it's because while I need the one drink, I can only drink one drink and it leads me to all these thoughts that I'm under control and I end up drinking again. But, it's been 3 months and I haven't gotten worse, I've been ok with 1 drink each week. What worries me is my pre-occupation thinking about the one drink and wishing I had more. It's like I have the willpower to only drink one but I can't seem to give it up all together. Well, what pisses me off about my b/f is that he always seems to think he knows exactly what I'm going to say. When I went 22 days without drinking and i told him I thought I was doing good his reply was..."Yeah, until you drink again." We've been together 3 1/2 years and we are engaged, we live together and everything so. My question is...is is possible to hold onto a relationship through me trying to stop drinking? I tell him over and over I'm trying to stop but I can only do it as quick as I can, I can't "speed" it up. On the other hand, I'm scared because I can't seem to give it up. I go to meetings, not as often as i would like because of school and I'm in counceling once a week. But, like Friday..I went to counseling, i went to AA and then went looking for Dave's friends who were parked at the coffee house, (where I went looking for them) But they were at the bar...which after deliberation I ended up going to invite them over. My intention was to just do that and leave but then i got stuck talking to some girl i graduated with. All the while I'm just obsessed with the drinks in everyone's hands. I just don't know. My b/f just wants me to stop drinking and I keep telling him...I don't know how, everything I'm doing doesn't seem to be working. I can't seem to get my head straight and to stop obsessing about it. I'm scared when i get out of school in 3 days because I know the only reason I haven't actually gotten drunk in 3 months is because I have to drive and pick up my b/f everynight. Well, once I've got every evening off and can start drinking at 3pm, why wouldn't I? I'm so scared I will. I don't know how to stop...do i just need to get rid of my b/f? Do you honestly think it would help? Otherwise than this he's great. I don't know what to tell him though. He keeps asking me what he should say to me when I try to tell him I'm in control. My only reply is...don't yell at me and make me feel hopeless. But he says if he tries to talk to me sensibly I just keep trying to talk him into being ok with me drinking sometimes. which is true! Tonight the alchoholic mind took over and was honestly thinking...I've almost got him..I can do this..I can make him not get mad at me when he sees me drunk, he's giving in! But the other side of me is smacking myself. Is this just something internal that has to happen to me to make this work or what? I can't seem to stay sober though and it's really frusterating me. I wonder if i just moved back home with my parents I would be able to do it but my dad used to hit me so i really don't want to do that.....? Please help me.
Stacey

justaround

The reason why he starts to complain once you think that you have things under control is because you probably don't. You still don't have things under control if you are still trying to catch that buzz, even if it is only a couple drinks a week. He knows you have the tendency to get drunk, so one drink a week will eventually turn into a 30 pack a week and so on. You had 22 days sober and you drank again, so you are not in the right mindset. You obviouslly are an alcoholic or at least have a very large potential because you obssess over that next drink.

::Remember:: As alcoholics we all have that "oh, they have no idea what I am going through" talk. The truth is that we all think the same. We all have the exact same issue but don't realize it, we have an alcohol problem. This creates all those other problems.

If you aren't getting and staying sober your boyfriend is not going to want to stay, nobody enjoys an active alcoholic. Drinking on weekends or what not is not proving that you want to stay sober. If what you are doing right now isn't working then take it up a notch. Have you been through outpatient rehab, if so, inpatient?? If college is in your way, think about it, what is more important...your life or becoming a drunk? Continuing your drinking is not going to help you out in college and eventually you won't have the ability even to go to class without craving.

So if you really want to concentrate on your recovery, your life...
YES, LEAVE THE DRAMA AND LEAVE THE BOYFRIEND!!!!!
It's hard for us alcoholics to make decisions.
We try to do everything ourself when all we need to do is fix our real problem, the one creating all the others,
OUR DAMN DRINKING PROBLEM.

So if you REALLY want to quit (which honestly I don't think that you are) leave everything triggering you behind and concentrate on your recovery.

Honesty hurts but sometimes that is what we need

Peter

That is a choice you will have to make for yourself.

Drinking takes a terrible toll on our relationships.Many times in the past I was able to convince people that my drinking was under control but I was really only fooling myself.

How important is this relationship to you? Are you willing to run the risk of losing it because of your drinking?

I made so many promises to people I loved that I would change only to turn around and do the same things over again.

Inevitably people stopped believing in me.

Your drinking is still at an early stage and you have a chance to arrest it before it spirals out of control but you are going to have to start asking yourself some important questions and start making some changes.

Peter.

justaround

If you continue in this relationship you are just going to ruin everything in your life.

quote:

I can do this....I've almost got him....I can make him not get mad when he sees me drunk.

???????????????????

This relationship needs to end, you are not ready to get married that is for sure. If you continue this and think that he will marry you but feel obliged to have to stay with you when you are drunk because you guys are married....you are very wrong. He will leave you and you being the alcoholic, you'll get the backhand of the seperation.

I didn't even realize that you are still getting drunk. The more I read the post, the more I see a girl endulged in self pity, trying to make false concepts of why you continue to drink, blaming others, who's only lying to herself. A girl who is blind to her real problem, ignoring it, and not sincerly looking for help. Nobody is going to help you with this but yourself. What happens if you aren't trying to help yourself?? Well you do the math


I'm only trying to help.
Telling you everything is alright would be a lie and that would be feeding your addiction

The Jay Walker

Stacy

I have watched you struggle for several weeks now, and I have seen a lot of good suggestions offered to you.

I know how you feel I have been there myself, I do have a few questions for you though,

have you gotten a sponsor yet?

Have you read the Big Book?

Are you calling other recovering alcoholics?

are you doing any kind of service, such as a greater, or cleaning up after the meeting?

have you avoided poeple and places were drinking is involved?

are you praying or meditating?

when you get a craving, have you tried eating sweets, or getting vigorous exersize?

The reason I ask is because these, have all been suggested to you, over the past several weeks,and I have used them all myself
and they do help,
if your not doing these things, it might be time you start, if you want to get sober.
I'm not trying to slam you, but I dont want to pat you on the back and tell you everything is fine, if your still drinking.
if what you have been doing didn't work try something else.

hang in there, your worth it.

EvrWideninHeart

Hi Stacey,

I have also been watching you struggle and I identify with you a lot including being a real SLOW starter. I kind of came in through the side door and f'ed around a bit - came to meetings using drugs, etc. I also hated meetings and told everyone so... People would sigh and say "Just keep coming back." And I managed to stay sober by the grace of God. I did eventually have to do all the suggestions that were mentioned above, but I did do it on my time which many people would not recommend.

So, it took a while to make that 100% commitment, but I think you can do it.

Anyway, I'm at work and can't take a lot of time, but I also am currently in a relationship and having some problems there that maybe you can identify with. My bf watched pretty hard core porn when he was single and after we had been living together for about six months and he was still doing it even after we had sex, etc. I told him I didn't want him to. I wasn't sure if that was totally okay, but he stopped and has been for four months, but he's still pretty pissed and feels controlled and doesn't think it was really a problem. I wonder if he'll do it again. I wonder if I should let him have all the porn he wants. I am in need of help myself. He doesn't like that I don't trust him 100%. And reading your post, I want to say to your bf to let go a little and trust you that you'll eventually come around. But then I also hear you saying that you slip some and so maybe he's right to put the hard line down. And I think about my situation, should I be more trusting or should I stay firm and say "this is not okay."

I don't know if this is making any sense, but I just wanted to let you know that I read your stuff and I want you to stay sober, because there is nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse. I don't know if you hate those slogans as much as I did, but it's kind of true in this case.

Csmcjewl

Hello,
I'm sorry you all had to witness that last night. We did eventually make up. After I wrote on here actually, I just got all the frusterations out and I ended up going to say i was sorry. I realize that I was really only mad at myself for drinking when i shouldn't have. Thing is...I am ready to quit. I am ready to be sober, I just don't have a big mouth and have always kinda..gone with the flow, I never stand up for myself, which I admit...I really hate sometimes. And...no, I don't have a sponser...I don't know anyone at the meetings well enough. I just kinda mill around after the meeting but no one talks to me so i leave. i'm finally getting the friendly nod when I walk in but...that's not enough for me to walk up to some stranger and be like.."Will you be my sponser?" Ya know? And, I'm still trying to figure out...they gave me a little blue book in the beginning, is that the "big book?" I've been trying to figure out what exactly the 'big book' is for weeks! So, yeah....well, I explained it to Dave last night that I was really only mad at myself and frusterated because it's finals week so I'm really stressed. I had 2 today, 1 really hard and 1 pretty easy so..we'll see. I should be studying now, but I'm not and haven't all night. I don't know...I just want to be out. Anyways, So...we're back together and he actually surprized me tonight and showed me he had bought me Evanescance tickets for next month. How could I ever get rid of such a great guy? So, I realize things are hard and I know I'm putting him thought a lot of ****. He realizes it too but...he sticks with me, I make no pretense to him that it's going to be easy. anyways, about the porn issue. ya know, I went through a huge thing exactly like this with Dave about 2 years ago. Here is how we comprimised....we have seperate computers and all I asked for was a common place for all porn. So we can both see exactly what the other one has. I realized the main issue with me isn't so much that he was watching it, but that he seemed to "hide" it from me like it was wrong. Once we brought everything to the open, I can't say I don't get a little upset when I see that he has watched it and I might even "deprive" him but, it just makes me feel better. I never say anything to him anymore and eventually, he doesn't watch it and I don't pay attention to if he watches it hardly at all anymore. It stops obsessing about watching it because the more you want him to not watch it the more he's going to want to. That is my advice, that's what worked for us at least. So....I'm still sober today. I'm doing ok again....I'm stressed because of school but at least I'm so busy I can't think about it. I know something has to change and it's not outwardly, it's inside me. I need to change my mindset of wading this line between Dave and Neil/Scott. I need to be straight with Neil/Scott and tell them I don't want to drink. I think as long as I'm still pretending to sometimes drink with them, the more my brain is going to try and convince me that i can sometimes drink. I do still crave it today. Oh, and I am in outpatient therpy, it's only once a week though, I kinda wish it was more. I can't afford more though so...i'm kinda stuck where I'm at. I'm going to start hitting meetings every night starting thursday and hope that will keep me clean. It looks as though Neil and Scott have finally ran out of money anyways, hehe...lucky for me! Well, wish me luck....things are good for today.
Stacey

The Jay Walker

Stacy

I had a real hard time reaching out to people without the alcohol,

I know how you feel hang around after a meeting just hoping somebody will talk to you, and when they did I didnt know what to say, I have been told that when we start drinking we stop growing emotionally, I can see how thats true with me, I was an awkward scared teen when I started, and when I quit in many ways I was right back to being that awkward guy that drank to feel better.

it takes time, to find a sponsor, but when you meet her, dont feel that you are asking for a favor, just ask, it is an honor to sponsor someone, good luck to you.
hope to hear from you again soon.

P.S. about the blue book, if on the front cover it says "Alcoholics Anonymous" its not printed on it just kinda pressed in, then yep thats the Big Book.

justaround

Stacie,
Finding a sponsor isn't that hard. Scope out the people in the meeting that have time on their recovery but also look happy with life, not the guy with 20 years but miserable as hell. After the meeting just go to them. They will deffinitly be honored to sponsor you, trust me. Early in recovery it is hard to open up, it's true. I have been through the same thing, just kinda chilling after a meeting and eventually leaving because no one would speak to me. Just keep up with your sobriety, one dat at a time and eventually the confidence will come to you.

The fourth edition Big Book has Alcoholics Anonymous pressed into it and is blue. Some come with a yellow and blue cover. Read it. Very helpful book. The first 160 pages are the most important and you will learn a lot from it.

Good luck