MaligenRoculus

I agree with uncle earl. You are a strong person by any definition, and should not take any ones demotions to heart. especialy someone who is degrading your status as a person. You could offer anything from a plucked daisy, to an epic poem larger and easier to read than War and Peace. Sponsers, as far as my research has revieled, need the sponsie for their own sobriety more so than vise versa.

Sugah

My sponsor never told me to wait a year, though she did tell me something else: Work the steps now, worry about men later.

I suggest to any new sponsee that she give her program a chance, getting through at least 1-9 and preferably all the way through to twelve (carrying the message...and some sort of service committment, however large or small) before bringing major changes into her life. As it's been said in different ways above, if you don't give yourself time to realize that psychic change the book talks about, you're just taking the same sick person into a brand new relationship. By the time the step work really takes hold, you'll be becoming a different person while he's expecting the girl he first asked out (and that brings with it all sorts of other issues about codependence, etc...)

I dated at ten months. Didn't work out. I was ready but he wasn't. At a year and a half, I finally got to the point where I "didn't need a relationship" (which is another thing that was suggested: no relationship till you don't need it). It was just a short time later that I met my husband-to-be. We have the healthiest, happiest relationship that I've ever had, and we're coming up on 3 yrs together, over a year & a half married.

And for the record, I did leave a relationship when I got sober. He used, & I decided that if I wanted to give myself half a chance, I needed to be away from him. That was a 7-yr relationship, and I'm not sorry I left.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

wozzek

And mildly insulting I would add.

Tazman53

Earl the comment was out of line, it is important to remember that not all sponsors or sponsees are equal. I can tell you right now though that I am a totally different person then I was 6 months ago and when you hit 6 months sober you will be as well.

My wife told me that I am better then the guy she married 15 years ago and night and day different from what I was 6 moths ago. Who knows the real me may show up in a year or 2.

My first sponsor was sober for 2 years when his wife of 20 years left him, she said he was not the man she married. They are on good terms and the split up had nothing to do with him having been a drunk.

Very close to my observations as well, one of the best ways of staying sober is to help other alcoholics get and stay sober. At only 6 months sober working with those struggling to get or stay sober helps me maintain my sobriety.

There is a saying in AA that in order to keep it you have to give it away.

NoelleR

Amen laurie6781 --

"...First of all the ORIGINAL suggestion is "No MAJOR CHANGES the first year."

Yup, yup, yup.....that was the suggestion when I got sober/clean in 1986, in Houston, TX (also when I was in SF, CA for a few early months).....BUT I truly liked what my sponsor said; to change the wording from 'no major changes' to 'don't make any changes, major." ..... (o:

NoelleR

Kellye C

In answer to the question and as someone who doesn't follow rules very well I would like to relay my experience with this and what I learned from it.

I met someone at 12 days sober for me, 16 years for him. I had been told the no relationships for a year and didn't want to get into one but he was very persuasive and I hated being alone so we ended up together. In certain ways it was really good because as I was learning the program I had someone to talk to about it who understood it.

In other ways it was bad because when we had problems, those were the times I wanted a drink the most. I wanted to drown the pain out and alcohol had been my coping mechanism. So, the relationship towards the end became very dangerous to my sobriety and that is one of the main reasons I ended it (that and his inability to be monogamous!) Also, I feel I shortchanged myself because although I worked with my sponsor and worked the steps I also was diverted from looking into myself as much and at times I used him as a sponsor (which was not good!). I feel that I slowed my recovery down.

This is a your mileage may vary thing and people will do whatever they want to. In hindsight, if I had it to do over again I would have never gotten into a new relationship in early sobriety.

Hope this helps!
Kellye

GlassPrisoner

Unemployed, underweight, on an emotional rollercoaster, no car, no money, etc etc.

Yeah, I was a real chick magnet !

5 months in, I'm hearing "rumors" that one woman or another finds me attractive. (Kinda like High School, "Do you like so an so ?"), Anyway, I was honest. No, I'm not ready. I'm new to this. Sobriety, Family and Work are enough for right now, Thank You.

Hush007

I admire that GP. I think it shows a lot of character.

Tazman53

GP just shows that you are getting better, I imagine the ladies will be kicking your door down once you are ready for them! LOL

LucyUK

This thread has been fantastic for me. I'm 15 months sober (after 3 years in the rooms!) and recently separated from my husband. We are not (and probably never were) suited and I've known this for a long time so really have no sad feelings about our split, only relief, but I did take the advice of my sponsor and others, I worked through the steps and waited til 1 year sobriety before making any major changes. And I'm glad I did it this way. But now...

Please don't judge me for what I'm about to explain, I just need to get it out somewhere.

However, much as though I hated feeling alone whilst physically near to someone, I'm finding that I hate feeling lonely and I'm looking to 'fix' it with someone else. There is a guy in the next town whom I really really like and we hooked up but he recognises he is not ready emotionally (and nor am I, if I'm honest) for any kind of relationship. And honestly, I'm really upset about it. He's right and I respect that hugely but I'm sad because of how I feel about him. But, another guy I've been friends with for years now, has been spending a lot of time with me. He's good-looking and a nice guy, but I know I am using him to avoid dealing with the lonlieness and to avoid looking at myself. We are more than friends though I haven't actually slept with him - yet. I know I am going off-program mentally and spiritually but I can't seem to break the tie. I have been talking with my sponsor but she just went on vacation for 3 weeks. I have other good fellowship women friends but I don't want to talk about this because my HP is telling me the answer which is that I should let the nice guy down gently, concentrate on working the program and learn to sit with myself and my feelings. But, my sponsor already warned me that I would hurt this nice guy if I continued to hang around with him, and I am hurting him but he's not aware yet, iykwim? We are supposed to be going camping this weekend but I don't feel right going yet I don't want to be alone.

Worst of all is I feel disloyal to the first guy that I really really like. If he felt ready for a relationship (he's only 5 months this time though he's been in for longer before now) then I would drop 'nice guy' like a shot. How shallow and off-program am I? Just being able to get this out anonymously (sorta!) is helping me.

I don't like myself at all right now but I'm not sure if it's enough pain to force me to change. My sponsor says I don't need to go to the depths of the pain to learn the lessons I need to learn but I still can't quite shake the desire that someone is better than no-one.

Hush007

I'm affraid I do not have a real answer for this one LucyUK. All I can do is wish you the best and hope you make the right choices.

Big hug,

Philip

Tazman53

First things first, this is very similar to AA here, no one is going to judge you, many of us have been or are where you are at right now.

Lucy you have already mentioned your HP, (Smart HP)

Ask your HP for the humbleness to listen to him/her, if your HP is like mine, he/she loves you and will not lead you astray.

I have had to learn that when I did things my way I got drunk or stayed drunk, when I quit doing it "Martin's" way I got sober and things got better.

Hon loneliness can be taken care of without sex, that should come later when it is right for both parties concerned.

concolor1

I think it was the legendary Bob E. (no stranger to multiple relationships and split-ups, that guy) who said he was a great believer in relationships in early sobriety . . .

"Nothing like 'em to bring you closer to your sponsor."

Some others . . .

"Who am I to deprive you of the opportunity to grow through pain and suffering?"

Or the immortal Clancy I. saying he'd get a call from someone he was sponsoring saying they'd just got into a relationship, and immediately he'd switch on the "Uh Huh Machine" . . . As in "Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yep. Uh huh."

Actually, the rule on relationships was made up by some horny old-timers who couldn't hook up any other way than by hitting on vulnerable newcomers (I mean how the bejesus do you seduce someone without buying 'em a drink?), and we decided to make things easier on ourselves . . .

Okay, I just made that one up . . .

I suppose I could do a bit of Big Book thumping and note that it says "a body badly burned by alcohol does not recover overnight" or play my junior dinosaur card about self-will, "An alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot although he usually doesn't think so" and suggest this applies in spades to relationships . . .

How about you younger sorts just trust us on that one? Take it from a guy who attended Al-Anon faithfully from year six to year fourteen in recovery, there's so much involved that it's not possible to undo it all to bring anything healthy to a relationship in a short period of sobriety. And from my own experience--I learned the hard way--in an "AA relationship," it's usually the old-timer who gets hurt. And if they're too far from their support system, they often get drunk. Take a look around the rooms, folks. There's a big gap between "years five and ten" that many have already noted . . .

Early sobriety is about developing and maintaining sobriety-based behaviors, and part of that involves a commitment to a recovery program. A relationship makes all kinds of demands of its own, and those are often at odds with developing a sober lifestyle.

BTW, a note to UncleEarl who claims, "I have not chosen AA for my roadmap to recovery" . . . I guarantee you that by coming here you're going to get a whole lot of AA if for no other reason than that's where most recovery is found . . . I'm already seeing "mixed messages" in your statements, but that's not troubling me. You just keep coming back, ya hear?

Anyway, when I was hopelessly trying to control my drinking, the lie I kept telling myself was, "This time it will be different."

JMHO, but that's the way we delude ourselves about relationships in early recovery . . . "I'm the one who can handle it. It'll be different for me!"

Somehow the realization is lost that the same brain that was telling us this was saying we'd be able to control and enjoy our drinking just a few months ago, and the only thing that stopped that incessant prattle was running into a freight train called reality and maybe kissing the sidewalk once or twice or looking at an extended period of being locked up . . .

Or something similar . . .

Honest, the reason we tell you these things is we've seen the results of doing otherwise, and newcomers haven't . . .

But as my ol' spiritual adviser says, "You can always tell an alcoholic. You just can't tell him much."

SaTiT

mmm...My sponsor did have to pull me aside after I started
dating. I was having a rough time juggling after a while.
It's a learning process, becuase I've never done it clean
and sober. It was hard becuase I did liked all of them
I had to pray about it. The women that i didn't chose
to continue a relationship with weren't totally ****-off at me.
I didn't burn any bridges. And I didn't totally did it right.

It's was a far cry from what I did in the pass in my drinking career.
I use to just pack my bags and just leave without saying
anything.

Learning to have a plutonic relationship was new to me also.

The order or priority I ended with was
A relationship with my HP
A relationship with myself
A relationship with others

Missymae737

Hi Glass Prisoner,

You have a way with words. I had my first chuckle this morning reading your post... Thanks!

parentrecovers

so much to balance in early recovery. i think the no new relationship rule just helps keep it simple and focused? blessings, k

Tazman53

I really like that.

nocellphone

I was living such a complete and total lie prior to recovery that I had no idea who I was, which explains why none of my pre-recovery relationships worked out. The person I presented in relationships was a false persona, a fabrication, unsubstantial. In short, I manipulated my way into all my relationships, and they were based on lies.

I didn't have a romantic relationship for about TWO years (not 'cos I wasn't looking, mind you ) and in that time, I finally had a chance to get to know me.

When a relationship finally did appear, I was able to be me (to the best of my ability)... and we are now together 11 years and married for 5.

fraankie

it takes the focus off yourself
as in
"why do you have to go to those meetings"
"oh, i'll go to the movies with .......
and go to AA tomorrow"
etc

it's
no major changes in a year
as in
relationships,
job change,
moving, etc



best
fraankie

Rowan

I've been coming to meetings for 5+ years - have nearly 15 months sober, and 9 months clean now - relationships - one after the other - kept this alcoholic sick and stuck in chaos.
My latest just moved out after 2.5 yrs of bliss (snort) - and I'm ready, finally, to be alone, for as long as it takes. It was easier for me to focus on him as the problem, rather than looking at myself.
But - and it's a big but - I had to go through each of these dysfunctional relationships until I was ready to admit defeat, and to acknowledge that there is a very good reason why relationships are not recommended in early sobriety. My sponsors and friends in recovery all told me the truth, but I closed my ears and charged forward, such is my ego.
Thank God I survived. So many do not.
Thanks for letting me share.

Rowan