BrandiK

I can feel myself slipping ... and having a hard time grabbing back on. I'm not white knuckling it, fighting off cravings massivly ... just can feel I am not moving forward as I should. I know I need to reach out .. guess that is what i am doing.
Those little thoughts are getting stronger, and I have been experiancing cravings on a slight scale. Mostly, too often, thoughts pop up that make it seem like an ok thing if I were to consider it.

I am struggling with my 4th step. I mean ... really struggling. I feel very stuck.

I don't know what I am asking for here ... just scared that my anger and feeling overwhelmed sneak in a bit more every day, meetings become less important, drama keeps poking up at me ... and I can taste my drink of choice in the back of my throat. Need to catch back on before it gets strong or manipultive ... or anymore I guess.

I am remembering the better moments more then the more common hellish ones. I am tired and feel like a failure out of the blue ... even when things are going great. I am having that 'give up' feelin gon everything and finding my own lack everywhere I turn. I reconize all this, it's the depression that leads to drinking. Guess this me reaching out.

CarolD

Super Hugs...

Have you read this link with some of our
experiences on Step 4?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/step-4/

There are other 4th Step threads
in the 12 Step Forum next door.

What is your sponsor saying?

Just don't give up...you are wirth the fight.
Blessings

Hush007

Brandi,

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time sugah'. As for step 4,... I cannot help you there since I'm not there yet. But I hope some of the "veterans" can give you some good pointers.

What I can tell you is this: Try to keep calm. Don't worry about what might happen tomorrow or next month for that matter. Today girl,... today counts. I always try to look at the whole drinking thing very simplistic (and I know it does not always work, but for me it does most of the time). They only thing you have to do to stay sober is absolutely nothing. Dont' drink it. You don't have to climb a mountain, fight a pack of demons,.... all you have to do is not pick up a glass or bottle that contains something alcoholic. Peace of cake isn't it.

Anyway,... we're here for you! Stay strong honey!

Hugs,

Philip

collinsmi

Keep writing no matter what! I'm betting the 5th will be an enormous relief.

parentrecovers

sorry to hear about the struggles, brandi. keep being honest. blessings, k

hope3

Hi Brandic, I'm not sure if this will help, but I know

I had a tough time at 30 days, and the roller coaster has been

up and down sorta speak. I think you are at the 90 plus days in your recovery and there is the 30, 60, 90, 120, 6 months year and two years that seem to be the tough ones to get over according to what I've read so far.

Paws, has something to do with it have you read that yet, I can't find the link. but maybe someone will post it for you. Hope3

PAWS

An acronym for Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Post-acute withdrawal is a bio-psycho-social syndrome. It results from the combination of damage to the nervous system caused by alcohol or drugs and the psychosocial stress of coping with life without drugs or alcohol. The symptoms of PAW typically grow to peak intensity over three to six months after abstinence begins. The damage is usually reversible, meaning the major symptoms go away in time if proper treatment is received.
TYPES OF PAW SYMPTOMS:
1. Inability to think clearly
2. Memory problems
3. Emotional overreactions or numbness
4. Sleep disturbances
5. Physical coordination problems
6. Stress sensitivity

BrandiK

I have been dealing with PAWS, and that could be part of it. I really do ok with it as long as I drink water and watchsugar and certain foods.

Mostly I think it is just eing stuck here ast this step ... and I have to acknowledge that I have not been going to meetings and talking to my sponsor as I should. I have been focusing on school and on my few days off resting because I am so tired. I did quit my job on the weekend ... I just need to take a step back and put this as my priorty.

I downloaded some worksheets to help with 4, and I think these will help me some. I feel pretty lost and need step by step guidance. Sponsor has been a help ... just admit I am not good at reaching out in all honest truth when I really need it.

degadar

hi Brandik, it only feels like it were yesterday i could have been writing what you have in this thread. It's hard, but there are better times just around the corner. The tricks and lies your brain will go to to get its fix are nothing short of amazing. I found it helped me to focus on my diaries to remember where i was coming from.

stick at it you'll be fine.

hope3

Yes brandik you do have a very full plate with school and your children.

It sounds like you are doing the right things, and you realize your priorities

with attending more meetings and reaching out to your sponsor more.

You are in my thoughts brankdic, I know you have and are working so hard.

Sounds like you could use a little TLC too, maybe, hope3

hope3

Good morning Brandic, just wanted you to know
you are in my thoughts.

Sending hugs your way....hope3

flutterbyjuice

Dearest Brandi...

I am sorry that you are struggling... and the fourth step can be hard on us. We are honestly looking at al the things we spent a lifetime running from... and that can be very overwhelming and scary. We feel like crap and we revert back to what we do best... use.

Please know that you are not alone and that by reaching out and sharing with us your feelings of desperation you are getting back on the right track... the best suggestion that I have is to hang in there... and call your sponsor. Tell her exactly whaere you are and what you are feeling... but do not take a drink. And do not stop writing that fourth step... When going through hell, do not stop, just keep moving... towards the light.

Please feel free to IM me if you need to talk... I will be happy to listen.

Tazman53

Funny thing.... I am working the 4th step as well and will be finishing the 4th with my sponsor and doing the 5th SUnday.

My sponsor told me to make sure on my resentment list I worked from the least resentment up to the biggest resentment I have.

Well my sponsor was tight on with telling me to do my resentments in that order, because by the time I was starting to get to my biggest resentments I was already seeing a couple of patterns emerging in me, and the good thing for me is that I have pretty much made a great deal of progress in those areas.

I will tell you what a lot of folks who have done thier 4th step have told me, it is a cleansing/learning step.

Do not let that 4th step get you down, once you have finished it and done your 5th you will feel a lot better about your self then you did before you started the 4th step.

I probably do not even need to repeat it because you have already acknowledged it, but keep in contact with your sponsor more and get back to those meetings.

I am looking forward to Sunday, all my dirty laundry will start to be washed!

collinsmi

Have fun with that 5th Taz! You're going to feel different!

Tazman53

My sponsor spent almost three hours explaining how he had done his 4th step and I am really amazed at how much better I feel already, I am actually afraid that the 5th may not be as climatic for me because my sponsor did a great job in explaing the 4th step and where it would lead me.

But you know.... that is okay.

sooobeee

I think it is so important that you are writing here and reaching out for help and support. You need to know you are not alone.... Thank you for sharing. You really have so many people here who care about you.

hope3

Good morning Brandic, another day, another dollar.

Who ever thought of that depressing statement, besides, for me it's like

another quarter...

Just poping in to say hey, an hope your day goes well.

Hugs, hope3

Tazman53

There is one I hardly ever hear any more thanks to inflation. My grandfather worked in a saw mill for $1.25 a day from sunup to sundown many years ago, every one else got $1 a day, he got the extra quarter a day because he worked right next to the saw blade.

BrandiK

I am almost done with step 4, those worksheets really helped. I have overwhelmed with what was before me, and the worksheets (though the same thing as the book as telling me to do) have just made it step by step so it does not seem such an undertaking. The way I was going, it would have taken me a year or more, and I would have had books and books written lol I needed some direction.

Thanks for your support through this.

parentrecovers

proud of you, brandi. blessings, k

SaTiT

Morning Brandik,

I had to take time out for 18 months when I first got clean and sober.
Some people can't afford to do that. At the minimum i had PAWS.
I probably would have gotten fired if I was employed, becuase of
my anger.

mmm..you're doing step #4.....
Just a reminder, that in itself can be stressful, becuase you're
bringing up a lot of emotions and processing them.
I found it harder for to make an asset list of myself.
Try not to judge yourself in this process or step and just observe.

On my last 4th step. I attended a 4th step group so I wouldn't
feel overwhlem. I was getting into some deep layers. my sponsor
also suggested that I only write 15 minutes a day for 90 days
so I'm not taking on too much at one time.