St_Kurt

I've been trying pretty hard to learn how to be sober and stay sober. Lately though, I've begun to wonder if it isn't pointless.

I go to AA meetings every day that my school schedule allows it (it ends up being between 5 and 6 meetings a week currently - it will change during final exams). People at the meetings say hi and seem to know me and yet I still don't have a sponsor or any real friends who I would feel comfortable calling. I briefly had a sponsor but she was pretty rude and we met in person only once. She came over to my house and "borrowed" things - after that she stopped coming to meetings and stopped answering her phone. She was my sponsor for 3 weeks almost 2 months ago now. I don't what the deal is. If she starts coming to meetings and answering her phone again, will she still be my sponsor? I don't really want her to be. She can keep the stuff she took, but I'd rather not have her as my sponser anymore.

I read meditations from the Daily Reflections every day and also from the Halzelden 24 Hours a Day book which I like very much. I pray regularly.

There was one girl who I used to talk to pretty regularly before and after meetings. She attended most of the meetings I did and we were about the same age. She even gave me her phone number once. She killed herself last week.

This weekend I am at an education/networking event for veterinary students. Every single social event they have coordinated for us takes place at a bar and involves drinking. If I want to spend time with my classmates and meet other students from other vet schools - that's my one option. Obviously I've ended up drinking at them.

Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life? It so, what's the point? In going to meetings? In trying to stay sober? In making friends? In trying to become a better person? In living? In anything?

It seems like all these things do is set one up to fail. Nice. I'm already pretty good at doing that on my own. I love my God and Savior. I hate alcoholism. And I love the profession I have chosen.

Why does it seem like I can't have one without the other? I turned over my life to God a long time ago. Where is He now when I need Him most?

-e

Pilgrim

Hi St Kurt,

I felt like you for the past few days. This feeling will pass and if, at the end of it, you haven't had a drink, you will know He never left your side - not for a moment.

I am so sorry to hear about the girl in your group. This is a life and death struggle - no doubt about it - and we are so vulnerable when bad things happen.

Keep doing what you are doing. Find someone else to talk to. Stay here abd keep posting hun. This is important and you are intelligent. Think it through and while you do, get through just one more day, hour, minute. Just delay any big decisions about taking a drink just for a bit longer. You are not alone. There are heaps of us here to talk to whenever you need.

I am sending you big hugs.

jodiD

I am in the same place as you are. Angry, confused, wondering where God is. Feeling very alone. If you are here, you are in a good place. I go into treatment on Monday. I wish there was someone I could talk to at this moment.

Music

God is right where he's always been. I've found that when I feel like God isn't there, it's me that moved away.

I made bad choices when I was drinking. I chose to drink, to hang out in bars, to choose friends who drank, to do things while drunk that I wouldn't do sober, to blame people, places and things for my misery, etc. When I made the choice to not drink any more, I had to make other changes too; problem was, I didn't know how to change. A sponsor is like a tuor guide in a foreign country. I picked a good one. So can you! I did what he suggested. I called him every day to discuss my agenda for that day. I went to meetings with him whenever possible, but regularly. I read the 24 hour book(and others). I made my feeble attempt at getting a higher power, which I eventually called God. I was a musician in the navy, so like you my job took me into places, and around people I wasn't really comfortable with. But, like the Big Book says, I had a good reason to be there. It was my job!! What remained in tact then, and is still in tact today 30 years later, is my desire to not pick up that first drink. Doesn't matter what happens in the space of 24 hours. If I don't pick up that first drink, there's hope.

barb dwyer

Hi St Kurt -

I agree about God being there. It's taken me a long time to know that. Even on a rough night like this one- I 'knew' I wouldn't run across the street and drink. Just because it's daytime doesn't mean the stars aren't still there.

And, it's never pointless ... to save your own life.

That's so sad about the girl in your group. There's your proof right there of the fatal nature of this disease. What a teacher she's been for you. How very sad for her family just the same.
*prayers*

You know - when I felt so freaky earlier - I knew I could come here and someone would be here. It takes one alcoholic talking to another to get through those times. I knew I could ask, and someone would come forward to help.

That's how we get 'out' of ourselves.

And this is how it works.

aasharon90

What wonderful "SPONSORS" we have here to guide
us as we travel along our road of recovery. I myself
still have my one and only "sponsor" from the beginning
of my sobriety. She is there with me in spirit and I have
all the ESH still that she shared with me from the start.

From there I have many wonderful "MENTORS" and
a faith in a HP guiding me along the way.

Right now im on a bumpy road in my own recovery
as some have explained to me....Maybe its one of
those lessons in recovery that I need to learn.

As rough as it gets in my sobriety today, it cant be
any worse that what it was when i was drinking.

How about you? Can you recall the worst times u
had when u were drinking? Mine was in 1990 beginning
in Feb....coming home from a club late less than a
mile away and ran off the road hitting a concrete
culvert sitting on top the ground sending me to the
hospital in the back of an EMS truck in which I
dont remember...DA**......my only time to experience
suck a ride and dont recall it....

Anyway, i spent 10 days with them removing my
punctured spleen so i wouldnt bleed to death along
with numerous broken bones, toes, contusions...

I was a mess, but in a few months time i healed
very nicely withyout a drink....the pain pills took
that place....but as soon as the pills didnt work
any longer i picked up a drink and tried to end
my lifein Aug. 90....the progression of my disease
was EXTREMELY RAPID and i had no idea till it hit
me.

Thanks to my HP and my family, they did an
intervention on me to save my life....They
did for me what I couldnt do for myself and
for them im truely grateful.

I entered rehab for 28 days recieveing the tools
and knowledge of my DISEASE....and from there
I was set on the path of recovery learning to
stay sober one day at a time.

I often hear in meetings that getting sober messes
up ur drinking career....When we get sober, going
back out will NEVER be the same....

When i go to meeting and listen to someone who
has gone out and comes back in to share with us
that it hasnt changed out there...that alcohol is
still kicking a**...that just confirms that i dont
want to go there again....

I hate tp say this but those that go back out
are the one testing the waters for me to see
if its safe to go back to drinking again....so far
after 16 yrs sober, it still hasnt changed...

So im better off here than there...

I still remain teachable in recovery.

mikel60

Hi St.Kurt,
I wish things were going better for you. My early sobriety was a bit rough, too. I was convinced that no one liked me, was lonely, had a crazy sponsor, and wondered what the heck I was doing. Yet, it was still better than drinking. I also thought I was better than everyone else, yet wasn't good enough to hang out with anyone. An egomaniac with an inferiority complex someone called it.
I went through this for awhile, then simply changed some of my meetings, got involved with the steps, and worked on myself. I was in school at the time as well, but not away from home.
Things got better. Not all at once, but gradually. Slowly but surely I found my niche. I met like-minded people who met my high standards (ha- ha). Soon I looked around and found I was living a life that was actually pretty good.
Today? I finished school (have started again) and sleeping in the adjoining rooms of my nice little apartment are my wife and two little children (Sheila - 2, and Liam - 4 months). Their daddy (that'd be me) is sober and happy, as is their mom (she'll have twenty years tomorrow!!).
Hang in there St. Kurt. The point is you. You are worth it and will build a nice life for yourself. It just takes time. The steps don't hurt either, but you'll find your own path.
Mike in Boston

CarolD

You obviously have the mind...hands and heart of a
healer. A person who saves and restores.

That is a God given mission.
That is the point of your new sober life.

You are to save and restore yourself
so you may help the voiceless animals.

Prayers going out as you find your way.

Hush007

Kurt,

I hope you'll find a better sponsor my friend, and I'm very sorry to hear what happened to that girl. You are going trough a rough time,... but never give up! There are no highs without lows in life. Things will get better,... they will, but just hang in there.

Hugs,

Philip

ps: St. Kurt,... is that Kurt Wagner (with those pointy ears and stuff)?

lostmdboy

Hey Kurt!
I have trouble relating to peeps in recovery too, but i feel it is more on my side. With alcohol I had no trouble meeting new people, but now I have to learn how to do it and a lot of other social skills all over. I know it is hard at the beginning, but I just try to have faith that there is a plan. This is just the growth we need before we become the person we are meant to be. I am sorry for all that is going on in your life, but together we can over come.

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Kurt,

If there is a meeting that you are (almost) always able to get to you might offer to make the coffee. I made a lot of coffee. It's a good way to meet people and it shows them that you are serious. Unfortunately, there are many who come to AA for a short time and then are never seen again. Often folks who are mandated by the courts.

This seems (in my opinion) to have led to some resistance among many people who are in a position to sponsor. You see, many programs that are external to AA require people to get an AA sponsor and to join a group. Programs like after care or outpatient counseling. They can't really be blamed because what they are attempting to do is get their patients embedded in AA so the person has something going for them when the outpatient care is ended. These professionals know that the only continuing long term solution for most people is AA. The unfortunate truth is that many of these people have no desire to stay sober and are only doing what they are told to get someone off their backs, be it the court, their family, their employer, etc. and as soon as they fulfill whatever obligation they have, they run as fast as they can away from AA and right back to where they really want to be. They are simply not serious about sobriety. It has long been said that no power on earth can keep an alcoholic away from booze if they are determined to drink.

After someone agrees to sponsor newcomer number 28 and that newcomer never calls, and disappears in a few weeks like all the others, an attitude seems to appear where the sponsor becomes perhaps gun-shy and only really wants to sponsor someone who is already demonstrating a true and sincere desire to remain clean and sober. Hey, you can’t really blame them, they are human too and rejection hurts.

Unfortunately there are those who will prey on the vulnerable newcomer. These people are truly sick and should be given a very wide berth. The long timers who run the meetings know exactly who these people are and will seer you well clear of them.

The people that are there early and that stay late and that put in the effort to make sure that the meeting is there, these people want the hand of AA to always be there and by their quiet unselfish effort, the meeting is there for all who want or need it.

So by offering to make coffee, or staying after a meeting and helping clean up, or just by coming early and hanging out and talking to the people who are there doing the unselfish work, you will demonstrate through your actions that you indeed are serious about sobriety.

This simple action will most surely attract the type of sponsor that you are looking for.

This started as a short simple reply but turned out a bit long.

With hope,

Ted

St_Kurt

Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate it. I'm still new to the idea of people offering assistance at all. I always expect people to just think I'm and idiot for not being able to solve a problem they could and tell me to get with it or shut up and listen.

I try not to lie to myself. I grew up in a family of career alcoholics who were denial specialists. They never told the truth to anyone about anything. They even lied when they didn't have to. To this day I'm not sure if my childhood actually happened or not.

So, I guess I get so frustrated that whenever I drink because it's always my fault and yet it still seems to happen whether I want to or not. The convention provided the circumstances. I could have ordered softdrinks, but I didn't. And what truly frustrates me is that people tell me that going to AA always messes up going out and drinking if you do it. But if I'm honest with myself - that doesn't happen with me. I've read so much and listened so much. I know and understand so much more about this disease and myself and yet it seems like nothing's really changed on the outside.

I know I have a problem, but I feel like I'm ... possessed sometimes. I don't want to graduate and be in this situation. I know I have to do something. And yet - there's this "force" that doesn't care about any of that and would rather drink instead that seems to take over. I feel at war with myself and I hate that feeling.

And so even when I know that God is looking after me - I wonder why he's letting this happen. I pray that His will be done and I get ... this. I guess it wasn't quite what I was expecting. It's alittle hard not to lose hope sometimes.

I just joined a home group last week. It meets right after another meeting and the coffee is made already so I always bring something - cookies, doughnuts, ... or whatever I feel like offering up. I stay and help pick up the place after every meeting I attend. It just seems like a nice thing to do. And I always make sure to introduce myself to new people at meetings. I know how I felt and I always want them to know that I'm personally glad they're there.

Anyway - thanks again for responding. That was really cool of you. I hope one day I'll have something to offer. I've always been more of a giver than a taker. The St. Francis prayer - which is in Step 11 of the twelve and twelve is one I've known for years and pretty much outlines how I would conduct myself if I were perfect. It's something to strive for at least.

Oh - and that is Nightcrawler. I'm a big comic book fan and Nightcrawler is my favorite character. A few years ago I made a joke about Kurt Wagner being my "patron saint" and it kind of took off. Now I use that as my user name whenever I join a new forum - so I have my fake patron looking after me at all times.

Thanks,
-e

zJoe99

You may not be aware of it but you already have something to offer us newcomers. I often have the same misgivings, fears and concerns you do but can't state them as eloquently as you do. Please keep posting.

GrouchoTheCat

I am so glad you joined a group, that is a big step in the right direction. It sure helped me out.

Sounds like you are beginning your journey.

I wish you the very best,

Ted